AIBU to get married in the country where DP and I live?

[Boleh]

OK - sorry, another wedding thread!

So DP and I are both from the UK (families several hundred miles apart though) and have been living in Asia for just over a year now, we expect to be here at least another 3 years.

We have recently got engaged and I've started thinking about wedding plans. It would be significantly easier for me to have the wedding where we live and avoid having to return to the UK at least once and probably multiple times to check out venues, food, florists etc. using a lot of money and annual leave each time and probably getting regular middle of the night phonecalls. Also trying to please both families and geographically spread friends with the location.

On the other hand with a few exceptions in the US most of the guests would have to travel from the UK. The flight alone is a day in each direction so it's a serious time commitment and it's expensive. The wedding where we live would cost a lot less in the UK so we could contribute to costs for some folks with the difference but certainly couldn't cover the whole cost for everyone.

I know some people will leap at the excuse for an awesome holiday and make it part of a bigger trip but equally I think it rules out a few people. I know it rules out my only GP but she would be unable to go anywhere more than 1/2 an hour or so from home anyway or want to stay for long, so if we plan it around her attending we have very limited options anyway.

To further complicate things although having it here would be simpler it certainly won't be easy, 2 months or so of paperwork including a visit in person to various offices in the capital, you can't just search online for a florist or photographer, will all be word of mouth etc. to help with this my DP is keen to find a wedding planner - personally I can't think of anything worse than having someone else take over my wedding! If I do this I feel like I might as well just find a UK venue and ask them to sort it all. That said I don't want to spend the day running around trying to fix stuff and the bridesmaids will have just flown in so have no chance of helping!

So, I'm appealing to the folks of MN - on balance I'd rather have it where we live than in the UK but is this grabby and unreasonable when we can't pay for everyone we'd like to come and some folks won't be able to come at all?

Also AIBU to react so negatively to the idea of a wedding planner...?!

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

I think one potential problem is that while it might be 2-3 nights accommodation required, I wouldn't be willing to travel to Asia for less than a week. You're definitely not a bridezilla OP, you are thinking about your guests.

[SquirrelledAway]

That's a large number of people to have travelling out to you, and quite a big responsibility to organise the accommodation / transport / entertainment aspects, so very wise to think about a wedding planner to take care of all of that.

We were going to get married in the UK, but then my MIL (bless her) got all interested and the ball started rolling and it was quickly going to get out of hand. So, we ended up getting married in San Francisco (just the two of us, no guests) and had a big party back in the UK. MIL had got married in Turkey, with just her and FIL's best friends there, so there was a family precedent.

Another option could be to have a very small wedding, just close family and friends etc, where you are and have a blessing and party in the UK?

[MaryWestmacott]

I think the

[MaryWestmacott]

I think the problem with the "small wedding in your country, big party in the uk" plan is that the party in the uk will take as much planning as a wedding, and as the big costs for a wedding are the reception, not the actual wedding costs, then the costs will be about the same as getting married in the uk. If you've paid for the flights for family to come over, then paid for a big party in the uk, you could well end up doubling your costs!

[Bambambini]

As I said I would have loved a small wedding overseas with the people I really care about. They weren't up for it though - or some of the important ones anyway.

If you family and friends that are important are up for it then go for it and help them out. We have travelled far and wide for weddings and are off to one in California in 6 weeks. Some people love it and some don't - you know your friends and family.

[HayDayQueen]

You know what? I bet a lot of people would have me and DP down as people who would fly for a wedding. We have flow to the other side of the world for 2 weddings. And not flown for many more.

My DSis lived in several Asian Countries and couldn't understand why I wasn't desperate to visit her there. They were not my idea of fantastic holiday destinations at all, and I never did visit her there.

If someone had a wedding in a place that wasn't their normal 'home' then I suspect I would put it in the 'not an expensive I wish to undertake' category and just wouldn't go.

[MaryWestmacott]

Hayday - but in this is the OP's home she's been there a year, is planning to be there another 3 years, it's not like it's a 'destination wedding' its a wedding close to her home.

Mind you, a lot of people I know who have relatives who've moved overseas are really reluctant to see their new location as "home" talking about people "working overseas" not having moved, I've friends who've lived outside of the UK for more than 10 years, yet their parents still phrase it like it's a temporary situation...

[HayDayQueen]

But it isn't 'home', is it? It's a temporary home. I would feel quite differently about that myself. Don't know why, but I just would.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

60 is a manageable number to herd around in another country. In your shoes, I would look at a couple of local venues with accommodation. Work out how many rooms would be required and see if you can arrange a group deal for a week long stay, with a discounted rate for anyone wishing to stay another week. A normal drop out rate is 10%, so factor in 15/20 in agreeing straw man numbers for both a meal and accommodation. Then its probably worth sounding out some friends and family to see if the numbers on top of flights seem doable.

[MaryWestmacott]

That's interesting actually, how many years does someone have to live in a place to be defined as 'home'? I would suggest if you've lived in a place for over a year and are planning on staying there at least another, that would be the place they live. I guess I know a lot of people who have lived overseas, and even buying property in those countries didn't make their family view it as their "home" but just a place they were working.

I'd lived in London for 5 years, I never thought I'd settle there for the rest of my life, but when I was there, it was my home.

[HayDayQueen]

My DSis has had a lot of 2-3 year placements. I have never viewed any of them as her real home as she went back to her real 'home' in between the placements.

If you were going to buy a property, where would you buy it? Would you have bought it in London when you lived there or would you have bought it back where you were intending to move?

[HayDayQueen]

I suppose that on the whole they mixed with other temporary ex pats though. So that was part of what made me view it as temporary.

They never lived as 'locals'.

[Boleh]

HayDay and Mary I would say that I do see this place as 'home' I left my parents house for uni over 10 years ago and since then have moved house every 1-2 years and city every 3-4 years, I haven't lived back in my hometown since then and DP is from a totally different area. So for my having the wedding in the UK would be for the convenience of my guests not because it was 'home'. In fact it would be some conveniently located country house venue far less of a 'home' than the club we visit 2-3 times a week!

So far I gather from this thread that the jury is a little out in unreasonableness! :-)

I have started contacting friends and family and so far I have 1 'heck yes', 1 possible and 1 too expensive. So I think it's going to come down to whether key people can/will travel and that might depend on how much we can save here and subsidise on airfares.

[whatsagoodusername]

One of the advantages DH found in us getting married in the US was he could issue invitations to everyone and not feel guilty about leaving anyone out. He didn't really want them there, but family courtesy meant he had to invite them.

So they were invited, they declined, everybody was satisfied. They might have been a bit annoyed if it had been a destination wedding, but as it was my "home", it was a valid excuse, as you have. Only people who actually wanted to see us get married flew out from the UK.

On the other hand, we had loads of my mother's friends who I didn't or barely knew because we had it at my home!

[HayDayQueen]

Be prepared for a couple of the 'heck yeses' to become 'no's', and quite a few of the 'possibles' to become nos as well, I'm afraid.

People will love the idea, but the expense and difficulty of getting holidays for a time of your choosing will prove too much for some.

Be prepared for it, otherwise it will hurt a lot.

[angeltulips]

We did it - living in UK married in oz

It is totally doable planning from afar - you just have to give up control of some of the details (eg my bouquet was totally different from what I wanted). We hosted (paid for) 2 dinners a brunch, and organised lots of tours and activities so international guests were well looked after. And we paid to fly out both our secretaries & 3 of DHs struggling artist friends & his god daughter, none of whom could have afforded it otherwise. Still came in cheaper than a uk wedding!

And you know your family & friends - mumsnet is always so cats bum faced about anyone who has the temerity to ask them to think that their wedding is important, you will get lots of people telling you YA U because why would they go on holiday in YOUR destination etc etc. ignore them. Most normal people are happy to celebrate, and if you can financially support those for whom it would be expensive then you'll have a great time!

[Boleh]

HayDay the heck yes was from a friend who visited in Feb and I wasn't sure would come back so soon but I guess they are happy to have another Asian holiday :-) I fully expect some/many possibles not to materialise but I would be disappointed if many of the yes's pulled out at the last min.

I'm realising now how lucky we are to have our friends and family, my parents and sister, DPs Aunt and 3 friends have already visited in the 1st year, no wedding required and DPs parents are booked! We've helped a bit with flights but even so it's a lot of their time.

Whatsagood I tend to agree with your DP that we could issue invitations much more freely and people could choose how much they want to come! It's just the money issue that will be tricky for some - only a very few are limited on when they can take leave, keeping outside the popular school holiday period will help with that I hope.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

I got married in London because I live here and have done so for years. But I am Irish and all my family live there for the most part. We had people who refused to travel on principle [we don't do "overseas" weddings] but then we also had close friends and family who couldn't travel because they had v small children or were pregnant/too late to fly etc etc. The further your wedding is away date wise, the more likely it is that pregnancies and life generally get in the way but thats normal. By not having a wedding a car journey away even Bristol to Yorkshire it just exacerbates the problem.

I think we visited our venues twice not including the day before the wedding and they were 5 mins from work. The second visit was to taste the food and iron out last few details but apart from the food tasting, the latter could easily have been done on the phone/email.
The florist and the photographer both visited the venues ahead of our wedding by themselves and met with the on-site folk at a time convenient to them to discuss whatever they needed on the day. You can stand over all these professionals or you can just leave them to it. It's about hiring people you trust and a recommendation from a venue is usually worth considering.

[HayDayQueen]

• Some of DH's siblings didn't make it from one side of Australia to the other for our wedding. (Very large family)
  
  I hadn't met all of them so it didn't really bother me.

[WeddedBliss]

That's interesting actually, how many years does someone have to live in a place to be defined as 'home'? I would suggest if you've lived in a place for over a year and are planning on staying there at least another

Even in the UK though, for many people 'home' never changes from where they grew up.

DH moved to S Wales from Surrey 12 years ago. We've been together 10 years, recently married here, have two children here. DH's parents and sister moved to S Wales a couple of years after him, so his whole family is now here and I know he has no desire to move back. Yet when we go to Surrey for a visit to his friends (2/3 times a year) he still refers to it as 'going home for a few days'.

[SquirrelledAway]

Mary mention the word "wedding" when planning a party in the UK and you'll see costs go up exponentially. Friend of mine is getting married in the US this autumn and then having a party in the UK on return, the party is a fraction of the cost of the equivalent wedding do because they specifically didn't mention the w word.

And it depends on what you mean by party - our friends and family just wanted to get together, chat, eat, drink and dance, you don't need all the whistles and bells. We got a great deal on hiring out a restaurant for the night.

[Bambambini]

You know you family and friends OP. I love overseas weddings and would be there. 60 does seem a lot and i'd be happy with much less than that as long as it were those closest to me. It did always stay with me a little that I didn't get the wedding I wanted but settled to suit everyone else even if it was a lovely day in the end.

[IrianofWay]

It is the travel cost and hassle that is the main factor isn't it?

So you could look at it in the most pragmatic way - it takes less cost and less hassle to transport the two of you back to the UK than to transport all your important guests to Asia.

But of course that isn't the only factor.

FWIW there is no way DH and I (let alone kids) could manage a trip like that.

[Snapespotions]

We got married in Asia. Initially, we planned to just do the whole thing where we were living at the time, but then I realised that certain members of my family would be really upset by this, so we changed our minds. We still did the legal bit where we lived (bit of a bureaucratic nightmare) but we had a big reception and sort of ceremony in the uk, another one in DH's country and finally one in the country where we were living.

Honestly speaking, I only really did the UK event for my mum, but I was so glad afterwards that I'd done it. Turned out it meant more to me to have everyone there than I had realised. :)

Ultimately, it's up to you if you want to do it overseas, but if you do, I think you have to accept that the majority of your friends and family won't come. If you're ok with that, then fair enough, but that's the decision that you have to make.

[travailtotravel]

Are there legal implications in where you marry that you need to consider. Eg if you had DC and later divorced, how would the law sort it out? Sorrynto be a party pooper with that question,but I think it is important.

It was only Europe, but o organised our wedding in the UK while not being there. Booked venue in March,marked in May the same year. Jolly good time had by all ??