To still be fuming about this?

[notMrsRobinson]

Two weekends ago 'D'H informed me that he thinks I am autistic. The reason is that he'd read a quiz in a paper (probably DM) and it listed 10 things and that I'm all of them, says he. He seems totally serious about this. He says that I don't like being touched, and he thinks we don't have sex enough and he says I'm not affectionate towards him- this, he says, must be because I'm autistic (not because he's an abusive d*ckhead and I don't find him attractive). Of course there is more backstory here and I hope what I've written sounds sarcastic as I intended (as I'm doubting how I come across now), as I'm not giving this 'diagnosis' one bit of credence. I know people with real autism in their families, have friends with autistic children and I know what the reality of that means.

But... I've been googling away and think I definitely have aspergers traits. Which means I can accept that I sometimes find social situations difficult, explains a lot of things, as to why I often come across as aloof, get terribly anxious in some situations, enjoy routine, etc.

I tried to discuss this with H who brushed it off, said I should go to G P because I 'definitely have autism'. Absolutely zero attempt to understand what 'autism' really means. (And I did mention it to GP last week as I was there for something else, who said NO and put a note on my file to that effect.)

I am still fuming. I cannot stop thinking about it, especially as I went along with it for a bit rather than stopping him when he first said it. I think it's the idea that he wants me to be diagnosed with a problem so he can be involved in the 'fixing' of the problem that is creeping me out at the moment.

I just wanted a MN straw poll- am I being unreasonable to think that his labelling of me in this way is so, so wrong on many levels?

I hope I haven't offended anyone affected by real autism.

[PleaseJustShootMeNow]

Autistic/apergic or not, nobody should be treated without respect, compassion or worth.

Can I just point out that if someone described me as 'aspergic' I think I'd nut them.

[dawndonnaagain]

Thank you Wilson

PleaseJustShoot

[Minnieisthedevilmouse]

God he's really done a number on you. He's read an article. You've googled it. It's apparently making everything click in place.

No dear. Unlikely I'm afraid. Sounds more like he could have read the phone book and you would think you were related now to Mrs E Smythe because you googled the house and it looks a bit like yours...

I'd ask mnhq to delete this claptrap. It's really not doing you any favours. Post properly about the actual situation and leave this muppet in the fullness of time.

[notMrsRobinson]

I ought to separate the issues here. I'm objecting to H labeling me as autistic, and thinking its a specific thing to point at as a reason i need to leave him now- ie, something i could tell people and they'd agree it was HIM not me. Ie they would say- 'of course you're not autistic'.

He could have called me fat. Or incompetent at my job, etc. He's called me names (ie bitch) and it just doesn't impact, more often just annoys. I'm not making him sound good! But somehow this has hit home, I really don't think he has my best interests at heart.

The autism issue is separate. The more i learn the more I'm thinking it's me, and if it is do I doubt my own ability to assess the situation?

in either case, I think we need some space between us. Now I've got to decide what to do.

In a way, I was thinking of using the issue as a get-out clause for myself... but that might backfire. And its just not fair.

[dawndonnaagain]

Calling you a bitch is not the sign of a healthy relationship. As you say, the autism thing is a seperate issue. It sounds as though you are reading the situation fine, he is rude, difficult and takes no responsibility for his behaviours. Relationships don't work like that.

[swampytiggaa]

Why does it matter what you tell people the reason for the break up was? He is making you very unhappy and you don't like or fancy him any more. I wouldn't think less of anyone who said that to me...

Or grown apart could be a diplomatic explanation if you need one.

Love to you x you sound sad x

[kickassangel]

You're right that you need to separate the issues.

1. You may or may not be on the spectrum. If you are, it may or may not be helpful to have a diagnosis. This is a medical issue and not for your H to decide.
   

1. He is, at best, not helpful or supportive. He makes you feel like crap and question your own health/sanity. there is no reason why you have to put up with this.
   

1. You feel you need to 'justify' a split if it happens. It is nothing to do with anyone else, and you don't need to prove his unreasonableness to anyone else. You can spend the rest of your life saying 'I don't wish to discuss it' if anyone sticks their nose in. You certainly don't need to get into private (possible) medical issues as a reason.
   

If you want to think some more about a possible diagnosis, then do you have the chance to speak to someone? I'm kind of horrified that a doctor just ruled it out - there is quite a lengthy process to evaluating people on the spectrum, so no way was that a proper medical point of view. Is there someone you trust who can talk to you? Does it matter? It is complete bullshit about lack of affection btw. In fact, recent studies show a higher level of emotional involvement, but difficulty with dealing with those emotions, so likely to be over enthusiastic and inappropriate. That, of course, is a generalization and not a one-size fits all.

I'm not an expert on spectrum issues, but I have a lot of experience - over 20 years of teaching, currently in a school with an extremely high % of diagnosed children. My dd is diagnosed. I have had quite a lot of training from doctors who specialize in this field (2 or 3 sessions a year). Don't listen to your dh about this. Get proper help if you want to. Or just focus on what you want from your marriage and sort that out.

Most importantly, work out what YOU want, and go from there.

[OTheHugeManatee]

Clearly no-one on MN can tell you if you have Asperger's, as diagnosis by internet is notoriously unreliable

However regardless of whether you do or not your relationship sounds seriously messed up and like it is making you miserable.

[notMrsRobinson]

Oh no kickass that's me... inappropriate, i never know how to act. I just over enthusiastically complimented a colleague on their holiday tan, they've been back for several days already and had a wtf? baffled look on their face. But I know its a separate issue.

To be fair the GP only supported me saying 'i don't have autism do I?' then trying hard not to break down in tears telling what was going on with H, very supportive but not sure I want to go back now.

[kickassangel]

See, I find a little bit of inappropriate ness is quite endearing and usually more honest. I'm very suspicious of overly charming people. But I do live in a world with a lot of quirkiness, so perhaps I'm odd too. It's pretty rude if your colleague to greet a compliment with a wtf response so they are obviously lacking in a few social graces themselves.

Op, you need to learn to feel good about yourself. If there is no way for your dh to do that, then you need to work out what you want.