To still be fuming about this?

[notMrsRobinson]

Two weekends ago 'D'H informed me that he thinks I am autistic. The reason is that he'd read a quiz in a paper (probably DM) and it listed 10 things and that I'm all of them, says he. He seems totally serious about this. He says that I don't like being touched, and he thinks we don't have sex enough and he says I'm not affectionate towards him- this, he says, must be because I'm autistic (not because he's an abusive d*ckhead and I don't find him attractive). Of course there is more backstory here and I hope what I've written sounds sarcastic as I intended (as I'm doubting how I come across now), as I'm not giving this 'diagnosis' one bit of credence. I know people with real autism in their families, have friends with autistic children and I know what the reality of that means.

But... I've been googling away and think I definitely have aspergers traits. Which means I can accept that I sometimes find social situations difficult, explains a lot of things, as to why I often come across as aloof, get terribly anxious in some situations, enjoy routine, etc.

I tried to discuss this with H who brushed it off, said I should go to G P because I 'definitely have autism'. Absolutely zero attempt to understand what 'autism' really means. (And I did mention it to GP last week as I was there for something else, who said NO and put a note on my file to that effect.)

I am still fuming. I cannot stop thinking about it, especially as I went along with it for a bit rather than stopping him when he first said it. I think it's the idea that he wants me to be diagnosed with a problem so he can be involved in the 'fixing' of the problem that is creeping me out at the moment.

I just wanted a MN straw poll- am I being unreasonable to think that his labelling of me in this way is so, so wrong on many levels?

I hope I haven't offended anyone affected by real autism.

[kickassangel]

There is no way that a newspaper quiz can give a medical diagnosis. Nor can a go rule it out so lightly. Many people have social anxiety and like quiet time and routine without it meaning that they are on the spectrum.

This sounds like just another way for your dh to put you down. If he raises it again (or anything else like that) try smiling and say 'yes and still you were lucky enough to get me'.

Don't spend any more time thinking about what may be your fault. Start looking really hard at what he has to gain from the statement. Digging away at your confidence and giving him an excuse to blame you for marital problems are really nasty ways to make himself feel superior.

[WooWooOwl]

Maybe you do have some traits of aspergers/autism. But whether you do or don't, so what?

It doesn't make you less of a person, you are who you are with or without it.

You don't need a reason to leave your husband. The fact that you clearly don't like him is more than enough reason.

[londonrach]

Think it was dm on a Sunday (dont normally get the dm but wanted something light)

[PleaseJustShootMeNow]

Whether you have autism or not is irrelevant. The fact is he is trying to make the problems in your relationship all your fault. He's not suggesting it from a position of caring about you and wanting to help. He doing it for selfish reasons, to avoid all responsibility for his failings. I suspect you may be able to cure your 'autism' by ditching him.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

My dp has observed that I have traits that are often listed for being on the ASD spectrum.

I'm well aware of that myself.

It didn't bother me when he said it.

[dawndonnaagain]

I have AS and I'm insulted. Honestly OP tell the idiot you can't make a diagnosis from an article in a paper. For an adult diagnosis an expert will trawl from your history from birth. You have to fill in myriad questionaires, talk to people and if at all possible, they like to have your parents at the final (approximately two hour) diagnostic meeting. This process takes about a year, often longer in a child/teen.
If you are concerned that you may have AS, talk to your GP. Those with AS are often more easily manipulated than others. However an abuser is often an expert in manipulation and it may just be that he has managed this successfully for some years. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

[dawndonnaagain]

AElfgifu
The fact that you looked up the traits and recognised yourself makes you a normal person.

Please stop posting this on threads concerning the autism spectrum. It is a nonsense.
Thank you.

[notMrsRobinson]

I'm feeling a bit ashamed that I come across as not liking him that much, I never thought about that but it must be true, our relationship seems to be all about him and how things make him feel. He's been away for a few days and I'm enjoying the bliss, I thought everyone was like that but found out some friends don't like being away from their partners.

Off to work. With a clearer mind, thanks.

[PleaseJustShootMeNow]

The fact that you looked up the traits and recognised yourself makes you a normal person.

I looked up the traits and recognised myself. Then I got a formal diagnosis. Most importantly ... I'm still a normal person .

[aprilanne]

hello OP .if he is abusive this is not a good thing .and maybe you should rethink your future .but as for the autism ..they have redefined it doesn,t usually call it aspergers anymore .but high functiong autism .maybe this is what he means .my son diagnosed at 10 .my hubby recently at 47 .off course it you do have asd .you will be offended because most high functioning people are .but just remember .the guy who runs micro soft .is the same .

[ConferencePear]

Let's just accept for a moment that you do have autism -

what does he propose to do to help you live with it ?

He doesn't have much to offer does he ?

[notMrsRobinson]

At work now. But just wanted to make it clear that I do think I have aspergers traits- or even high functioning autism, thx for clarifying. It explains a lot about how i am and more blatantly about how i was as a child, looking back it all clicks into place. I feel sorry for the child i was and my friendless (despite trying so hard) state, being smart but lazy and sloppy and disorganized, encyclopedic knowledge of horses as that was my 'thing' but when i actually got a riding lesson i wasn't any good... More there but it all fits. I've done really well considering, but H is always criticizing me for not having more confidence.

he has no intention of helping. He wants me to have a label i suspect because that gives him more control over me. And according to him it would be an excuse for my lack of affection towards him. I honestly don't know if I'm naturally unaffectionate or not but certainly don't feel affection for him. Pity yes but no affection.

[Birdsgottafly]

I am naturally introverted, but confident.

I was in an abusive relationship up until over a year age.

I was starting to have major issues with being in public/around people. I did start to look into ASD etc.

What cured me, was not being Emotionally abused and not living with constant stress/manipulation/bullying.

I, like you, recognise some traits, but nothing needs to be done.

It would be very dangerous for you to start looking into exploring this, with him, in your life. You won't be able to work out what is real.

[dawndonnaagain]

notMrsRobinson
As I said, I have AS. I am affectionate. It is a myth that people with AS are not affectionate. They are, in fact very affectionate, like everyone else, with the right people. Dh will occasionally complain that I'm not affectionate enough (he has AS too), but that's more about being unsure of the immediate situation, eg. should a making up hug be longer than a hello hug!

[Birdsgottafly]

As well as blaming you, it will also give him a get out clause for his, reactions/behaviour etc and I don't know if he goes down this route, but my one, used to love to make himself into the hero.

As in "who else would put up with this?, your not normal", "well you would say that, because your XYZ", "why do I put myself through this just for you, when I get nothing back".

[WilsonFrickett]

I really must remember to tell my DS8 to stop cuddling the life out of me as he's not supposed to be affectionate

It is a complete myth that people on the autistic spectrum don't feel or show affection. Some people with autism recognise they don't read social cues very well so will withhold affection in case they are doing it 'wrong' - see Dawndonna's post above about length of hugs for an example.

I suspect the reason you don't feel affection towards your husband is that your husband is a dickwad.

That all said, undiagnosed adults (especially women, as autism is heavily under-diagnosed amongst females) can and do seek diagnosis and find that to be helpful to them. You need to speak to an expert though - I doubt your GP would be able to help you. And from what you've said, I would not pursue this while with your DP because if you are diagnosed, he will use it as another stick to beat you with - and what would be the point in that?

[MrsCosmopilite]

I saw a programme a few weeks back where the knowledgeable person (a doctor/psychologist) said that pretty much everyone is on the autism/aspergic scale - but just at greater or lesser degrees. Most people have some traits that fit, but it is more to do with the impact that those traits have on your daily life.

TBH your H sounds horrible.

Autistic/apergic or not, nobody should be treated without respect, compassion or worth.

[notMrsRobinson]

birds re the get-out clause... I'm glad you pointed that out as i fi d that a bit chilling, seems that is lurking underneath his comments.

[zipzap]

Maybe you should tell him that you were reading a questionnaire and on the basis of that you can authoritatively tell him that he is a verbally and emotionally abusive dickhead who is only interested in himself and is incapable of love, caring, empathy or being a real man.

And that that means 100% of all women would find him unattractive and unpleasant to live with, regardless of where they are on either the autistic spectrum or the scale of introversion to extroversion.

Probably best not to tell him until you're leaving him or at least not at home alone together!

[WilsonFrickett]

MrsCosmo this 'everyone is on the spectrum' thing is something I'm seeing repeated more and more often, I wonder if this particular interview is the source of it?

I don't find it particularly helpful because I don't think it's true - everyone is not on the spectrum. I'm certainly not. My DS certainly is. I'm not having a go at you, but I think it's often used as a get out clause - 'oh, we're all on the spectrum in some way, so really, WilsonJr just needs to get better at group work' - that hasn't been directly said to me, but it's certainly been inferred from some of DS school reports, for example.

We are all on a scale of extroversion to introversion, but that's not at all the same thing as autism.

[notMrsRobinson]

LOL zipzap!

thanks to all for input. Its confirming what I'm thinking but feel I need more validation. I just cannot bring myself to take action.

[runningonwillpower]

Is there an identifiable condition for people who take seriously quizzes in newspapers? And on the strength of that feel free to diagnose other folk?

Oh yes. That would be 'twattism'.

[dawndonnaagain]

YY Wilson. I have had schools use it as an excuse not to make provisions. It's lazy talk and dismisses people on the spectrum as being nothing more than a bit quirky.
I have spent the last two days arranging for the Mental Health Crisis Team to come and see dh. They came yesterday and have deemed that he needs help to stay out of the Mental Health Unit and will be visiting daily for the next couple of weeks. That's more than a bit bloody quirky!

[Shewhowines]

Presumably the traits you may have now were also there when you first married him - and weren't a problem then.

I also think he knows that there is a problem in your marriage and it is easier to blame your "autism" than look at other reasons why your marriage is in difficulty. He is by default thereby "blameless"

It's hard to face up, to but you just need to view this as just one more thing in the already long list of problems within your relationship. Don't focus on this one aspect. Look at the whole.

[WilsonFrickett]

YY dawn if they could only see the efforts DS is putting in to merely appear a bit quirky . I hope things get better for your DH soon.