To think expressing regret is often appropriate

[WorkingBling]

I am not from this country so I am not sure if this is a cultural thing but I have noticed that people very seldom express regret or any sympathy in many situations. Eg I was looking for asparagus I a store today and asked a shop assistant. "If it's not on the shelf we don t have it" she said. Perfectly pleasantly and polite but no regret or apologies. In doctors office elderly lady was asking for a follow up appointment. Receptionist was explaining there's nothing available for two weeks. Again, polite, but nothing like a "I'm sorry, we don't have anything." I don't expect apologies in the form of "we screwed up" but where i come from it's considered polite to express regret or sympathy for someone asking you for something you can't deliver.

Is it just me?

[DiseasesOfTheSheep]

I'm British and would definitely apologise for the lack of asparagus. Twice. And probably for my inability to suggest an alternative too.

[neolara]

I say sorry a lot. But my parents are from South Africa, so maybe I learnt it from them.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

Although I'm British, I say sorry a lot (mum does too, I picked it up). I find it slightly awkward people often don't understand I mean it in the sense of 'I regret that this is so' rather than 'I know this is my fault'.

So I do notice the same thing. I try to use 'I'm afraid that ...' which people seem to 'get' more.

[3catsnokids]

I work in customer services, writing emails. It always surprises me how many of my colleagues find it hard to put in an apology about a customer's problem. To me it seems automatic for that to be pretty much the first sentence I write but other people often don't see the need.

Also, occasionally we get people telling us about illness or bereavement etc and I always add something about being sorry that they went through that - because I honestly am sorry, in a sympathy kind of way, to hear about that. Some of my colleagues have argued with our boss that they're not sorry because they didn't cause it, so they're not going to write it. I can see their point but I think they need to empathise a bit more.

[Lioninthesun]

I used to get told off for apologising TOO MUCH!
I used to ask for something in the shop and use please and thank you and get mocked for it.
I still apologise now even when someone knocks into me
I think it is a cultural thing - some people connect it with being weak, not the bigger person. For me it takes seconds to say and doesn't even cross my mind that if someone holds a door open for me I need to be in anyway alpha about it by declining to say thank you.

[WorkingBling]

Yes, "shame" is definitely one of those words that needs context. For South Africans in London "Cheers" always threw us - As a young waitress I never understood why the moment I have someone a menu they would so firmly tell me to go away. Took months to assimilate that they were thanking me!

[sallysparrow157]

Partialderivative, how odd re South African people saying 'shame' about a cute baby, it's just made me realise we do the same in welsh ('bechod' means shame but also used to express cuteness, I've never thought it to be peculiar before but now that you mention it, it is rather odd!)

[drinkingtea]

sorry about my phone typos above :o

[drinkingtea]

I am British living in Germany and was drequently told I apologised too much (meaningless 'sorry' when I wanted to get past somebody/ couldn't make a certain suggested time to meet up, pr whatever) and this over-apologising was widely regarded as stereotypically British and, I suspect, slightly annoying I've modtly stopped now, having lived here years, so am doubtless seen as horribly rude in all insincerely / socially conditioned apologetic cultures :o

[Rabbitcar]

I agree OP and find it odd when people don't apologise in the scenarios you describe. I would find it hard not it say sorry (obviously not in a craven, grovelling way, just the word); it seems so natural. And polite.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Move to Canada. I swear people could weep when I bump into them. They are SO SORRY. They can actually, in RL, be a little passive aggressive and I find the British much more understanding of difference. Maybe that's the payoff.

[partialderivative]

DW is African and she always says "sorry" if people fall trip over near her or if I bang my head on something

Off thread a bit, but a friend of mine gave birth in Southern Africa, plenty of women would come to look at her baby and exclaim 'Shame'.

Apparently it was the equivalent of 'ooh, how adorable!'

[kawliga]

DW is African and she always says "sorry" if people fall trip over near her or if I bang my head on something. So does her mum. It drives me a bit mad to be honest but she tells me that it's an "African" thing!

I've heard this. It is a shorthand way of saying 'ouch, I see you hit your head, I do sympathize, looks like it hurt'. It's not an apology. Just like 'sorry for your loss' when somebody dies is not an apology but an expression of sympathy/condolence.

Sure, asparagus missing from the shelf is not the same as death but still it is polite to express sympathy in a more light-hearted sense.

[SomethingOnce]

I'm most dreadfully sorry that your expectations around grocery-related contrition are not being met.

(An ironic apology. How British.)

[JonesRipley]

Pumpkin

Interesting... I think Excuse me sounds like an order, and the please softens it.

[Tangerinefairy]

DW is African and she always says "sorry" if people fall trip over near her or if I bang my head on something. So does her mum. It drives me a bit mad to be honest but she tells me that it's an "African" thing!

Otoh I would actually say "sorry" in the context you describe and many people in the UK do too. I needed calpol today from our local corner shop and the assistant said "sorry" when she'd searched for it and couldn't find any.

[TheHoundsBitch]

I don't understand, British people are renowned for apologising too much!

[PrincessBabyCat]

Are you perchance American?

Americans apologize less than Brits do, I don't think I've ever gotten an apology for a store being out of stock. We laugh at Canadians that over apologize at everything. You can tell the Canadians at Niagara falls where the border is because when you bump into them they're the ones that apologize.

[Pumpkinpositive]

A really lovely guy in his 20 s said he thought me saying "excuse me please" when asking someone to move out of my way, on a bus, for instance" was excessively polite.

I'm 35. I would simply say "excuse me." "Excuse me please" has something of the imperative about it to me, something a bit school marmish, and I think I might instinctively bristle on hearing it.

I would only say "excuse me please" if the person had ignored my "excuse me" the first time and/or I was pissed off.

So I concur with your young man.

[JonesRipley]

I recently had a conversation with some work colleagues. A really lovely guy in his 20 s said he thought me saying "excuse me please" when asking someone to move out of my way, on a bus, for instance" was excessively polite. This person said that no-one of his age group would say Please at the end of that sentence.

I am in my 40s. Maybe there has been a cultural shift?

[NadiaWadia]

I am surprised that you think that, as I thought that traditionally we Brits do apologise in this kind of situation eg "I'm sorry, we don't have any in stock" or on the phone "I'm sorry, X is not available". I know I would.

I thought it was other European countries where people didn't do it, eg I have noticed they don't much in the Netherlands (although the people are lovely in general). Maybe things are changing, then?

[Pumpkinpositive]

I think we probably apologise too much. I know I bloody do.

[JonesRipley]

Nice, not noce

[JonesRipley]

One proviso:i used to work as an NHS receptionist. Apologising, being too noce,mwas regrettably seen by some as a sign of weakness, and a reason to attack. I learnt to reign it in. Not rude, but just assertive.

[JonesRipley]

I am surprised, i certainly don't think that is very representative of British culture. Traditionally, we apologise for things that aren't our fault.

However, maybe that is changing.