to kick up a fuss

[jambag]

I have been at home looking after Miss 12months since she was born, and although DP and I have both talked about my having some time out, I have struggled to be able to get this started (exclusive breastfeeding and she was 'funny' taking a bottle for a while, me sleep deprived, usual first-time mother and crazy-life-change-new-priority type thing.
A week ago I finally organised to have an hour and a half, twice a week, to restart something that I previously did before I became a mother (gym. Important to me, I have not lost my baby weight and feel like crap.). DP has been fully supportive of this and has been telling me to do this for months. I love being with my daughter, but pretty much 24/7 for nearly a year has been FULL ON. As I'm sure you guys know. And endorphins ROCK!

Since DD was 4 weeks old he restarted his previous musical interest which involved 5 hours out of the house one evening a week. Over the last month this has increased to twice a week, to practice for a performance which is Saturday week. Fine. Things are cruising along here and 5 hours with a screaming baby who won't go to sleep is less common these days. I can cope.

Today we were discussing our plans and meals for next week. He will be working late one night, and the 2 nights I am supposed to do 'my thing' it appears he has arranged two more evening practices at the same time, but not thought to mention it to me. So, out 4 nights next week, working late one night (unavoidable) and out performing the 6th night. (the 7th day is dd's birthday party, his idea, but guess who ended up organising it?)

AIBU to give him a hard time, because he seems to think I am BU and unsupportive for this "one thing"?
But the thing is, there was a performance 2 weeks ago that he had to practice "extra" for, another performance with a new line up 6 weeks ago which, wait for it, required lots of extra practice. A performance back in January, same. Another in February. So, every month atm.
He doesn't see it like this, for some reason. I am pissed off that once again, I am expected to fit in around everyone else's needs, without even having this discussed with me. Just "you can go another day" because its not a set thing like a course.
I have to be firm when I leave the house, and stick to a time, otherwise its like "oh can you fetch this . . . can you just help me with that" while I am trying to express milk, get my stuff together. This is all basic stuff for DD's bedtime routine that really doesn't need extra help (I should know! I do it often enough!!) He's capable, but its just easier if there's an extra pair of hands, isn't it? You know, when you've got a child in the bath and realised you forgot the towel. Or forgot to heat up the bottle. Or the child is crying because she is ready for bed and wants to be carried but he needs to get things ready. Whereas he gets to just walk out the house with his music stuff, safe in the knowledge that he made me a cup of tea before he left so it should all be ok.

I feel completely isolated these days. Yes there are playdates, groups and stuff I go to. I make myself. I'm not a particularly out-there person but do need the social contact. DP thinks this is my 'leisure': going out to playgrounds and playgroups and drinking tea with the other mums. yet its all dependent on DD - if she is having a bad time, we leave early. If she's ill, we don't go. Sometimes I don't even leave the house for 3-4 days, and I'm the sort of person that is climbing the walls after a day at home.
Its hard to hold a proper conversation when maintaining permanent surveillance to check she's safe. She's curious and into everything, and its gorgeous to see the world through her eyes!
Its taken me weeks to make a single phone call to arrange a new playgroup for DD, as I can't seem to take a phone call without her crying to be picked up, getting into something she shouldn't, or generally climbing all over me. I can't remember the last time I had a phone chat . . . although I manage a few mins on fb at a time where I can check whats going on in the world, but rarely have time to manage a chat with anyone online. I don't feel like I talk to anyone, get any real downtime when she's there. So its REALLY important to me to know there is a day and time I can aim for where I can be me and know she's safe and being looked after by her daddy.

I find it hard to be supportive of someone else's interests when mine are expected to go to the back burner whenever they're inconveniencing him, creates resentment, eh? Go on, I reckon you think I'm absolutely horrible :-/ and "entitled"
feel slightly better for getting it out though

[Misfitless]

Haven't read the whole thread, OP, but you are not being entitled, or U, not one bit.

Seriously, get him to read your OP, and all the following responses. You've explained it so well, that it's probably the best way to make him realise how you are understandably feeling.

I can completely relate to everything you've said. I remember not even being able to go to the toilet without my DD wanting to sit on my knee and getting upset if I didn't let her.

My youngest is 4 now, we have 4 DCs, and even at the weekend, when he was taking them out, I found myself getting everything ready .

Hope you get to the gym soon. Do you have a babysitter handy? I would tell him that on Xday, you are going out at X O;clock (maybe coincide it for when he gets in from work,) and that it's your night off, so if there's band practice he needs to make sure he has arranged someone to babysit. I realise that's much harder if you don't have parents or family nearby, though.

[jambag]

Interesting juxtaposition Vegas and hmmmn, made me think. Am I really planning another baby without his consent?
As outlined earlier in this thread, he started in this relationship 15 years ago wanting a family, he happily moved house to accommodate a growing family (and told all his muso friends that was why, apparently! Extra bedroom for a new baby), he willingly signed consent forms just last week to continue with fertility treatment. Nowhere otherwise has he indicated in the last year that he consciously did not want a second child and I honestly think that when he made that comment during the row the other day, it was because he wasn’t getting his own way and he was trying every avenue he could to get me to change my mind to accommodate HIS extra session. Believe me he wheeled out some choice stuff, again which I mentioned some of earlier, but basically appealing to my emotions, guilt, and places he thought would be soft and squishy enough to give way.

He did actually ask me about 2 months ago if I was sure it was what I wanted, because it would be hard yakka, but I did not take that to mean I was on my own in bringing up the children. And yes I did check in with him that it was what he wanted too and all he pointed out was that he thought it would be hard work again (and if I am supposed to look for every single nuance of anything that could be remotely ambiguous in what he says rather than having the expectation that he could actually state his needs and wishes, then I don’t need to hear that! ).
Last night he was happily talking about ‘what if our next baby is a boy’ and the clothes we already had for it. All row seemingly forgotten, and no mention of anything out of the ordinary.
I think he honestly does want the family, but also wants his music stuff too and doesn’t see why both can’t happily co-exist (or why I can’t just step in and accommodate everything extra curricular that he wants to do at my expense!!). I also honestly can’t see this being the end of the road for us, and I know (as I put at the beginning of the thread I think) that this is something thats going to keep rearing its head, so I need to keep stating my needs, standing firm and fighting my corner. And if my “unreasonable behaviour and inflexibility” ends the relationship further down the road, so be it, but I don’t quit things easily and I don’t think this is the end. (yes I can sense a gazillion collective facepalms of all that read this thread!). I will know in my heart that I tried.

On the other hand, I have consistently fought for and not backed down for my right to 2 (3 including travel and change time) paltry hours a week since I started taking some time for myself last April. I had a year, solid, with no break before that. There’s no family nearby as we are overseas, and while there are friends who will babysit if we NEED it, I don’t want to take advantage there unless we really have something to ask them to come all this way over and back for.Certainly wouldn’t expect friends to be doing this on a weekly basis for us. And money is accounted for and very little spare, so paying babysitters is out of the question.
He has about 7 hours a week (and I really didn’t want to get into counting and comparing hours, but there’s the rub) already to go and do his music, there’s already a massive inequality. He wants me to go and do more things for myself too, apparently.
I agree that he certainly shouldn't book extra music sessions when he knows you're not keen.
I don’t think this is about my not being keen, its more about the assumption that my time and hobby/interest is less important than his.


Lets just look at the whole last week: I got to do ‘my time out’ once instead of twice. He not only had his practice on the first night, but was always going to spend this weekend away doing his music (meaning I didn’t get to do my thing as I would have done), didn’t do his second practice (which is actually a lesson but didn’t happen due to the people involved being on the weekend) and now wants me to forego my time out this week at the gym/pool so that he can do extra again? Then off out practicing again tomorrow for him.
OK I got a weekend away from home and wasn’t flying solo for 2 days with DD out of it, but it certainly wouldn’t have been my first choice for a family weekend break! I’m trying to see it as a cultural experience for DD also, as despite what you might think from what I’ve written about the music, I do want her to be exposed to music and harmony and to experiment with it herself.

Misfitless I did consider showing him this thread and replies but then I read some of the things I had written and knew it would not be a good idea. I think he would be more upset reading this thread with some of the talk of ending the relationship etc, and that I had even been considering that. We have our weekly stuff in the joint calender he set up (previous comment I had written in the thread), which is another thing? If I had ‘agreed’ to change my time out for him as he said I did last week, then why didn’t he put it in the calender? That whole thing is so sneaky and underhanded and he made out I’m the horrible one for using those words to describe his behaviour!!!

So state of play at the moment is all is apparently back to normal and nothing was mentioned yesterday about babysitter, his session, my time out, the car, or anything, it was like it hadn’t happening. He’s being excessively helpful around the house without being asked and while I wish I could just enjoy that, I know its got the subtext of ‘look at what a good helpful and reasonable partner I am to you’ which is just a bit fucked, hey?

[EBearhug]

I can understand not showing him the thread, but it may be worth using it to point out to him how imbalanced things currently are, that he takes your time/activity for granted. I think you should raise it, because he's said himself that a second child will be much harder work, and you need to make sure that he realises he's going to have to be the one to cut back, because he's the one who has the slack in terms of non-family time, and he will not be able to do extra band practice without fully discussing it with you and actually negotiating, and mostly, until the children are older, that's going to mean no extra band practice and probably not normal band practice half the time. He may not like it, but that's the consequences of being a parent.

I do think it's good to have something outside of parenting, for your own sanity as much as anything, but that is equally as important for you as him, and his does not get precedence - he's the one who needs to change here.