to kick up a fuss

[jambag]

I have been at home looking after Miss 12months since she was born, and although DP and I have both talked about my having some time out, I have struggled to be able to get this started (exclusive breastfeeding and she was 'funny' taking a bottle for a while, me sleep deprived, usual first-time mother and crazy-life-change-new-priority type thing.
A week ago I finally organised to have an hour and a half, twice a week, to restart something that I previously did before I became a mother (gym. Important to me, I have not lost my baby weight and feel like crap.). DP has been fully supportive of this and has been telling me to do this for months. I love being with my daughter, but pretty much 24/7 for nearly a year has been FULL ON. As I'm sure you guys know. And endorphins ROCK!

Since DD was 4 weeks old he restarted his previous musical interest which involved 5 hours out of the house one evening a week. Over the last month this has increased to twice a week, to practice for a performance which is Saturday week. Fine. Things are cruising along here and 5 hours with a screaming baby who won't go to sleep is less common these days. I can cope.

Today we were discussing our plans and meals for next week. He will be working late one night, and the 2 nights I am supposed to do 'my thing' it appears he has arranged two more evening practices at the same time, but not thought to mention it to me. So, out 4 nights next week, working late one night (unavoidable) and out performing the 6th night. (the 7th day is dd's birthday party, his idea, but guess who ended up organising it?)

AIBU to give him a hard time, because he seems to think I am BU and unsupportive for this "one thing"?
But the thing is, there was a performance 2 weeks ago that he had to practice "extra" for, another performance with a new line up 6 weeks ago which, wait for it, required lots of extra practice. A performance back in January, same. Another in February. So, every month atm.
He doesn't see it like this, for some reason. I am pissed off that once again, I am expected to fit in around everyone else's needs, without even having this discussed with me. Just "you can go another day" because its not a set thing like a course.
I have to be firm when I leave the house, and stick to a time, otherwise its like "oh can you fetch this . . . can you just help me with that" while I am trying to express milk, get my stuff together. This is all basic stuff for DD's bedtime routine that really doesn't need extra help (I should know! I do it often enough!!) He's capable, but its just easier if there's an extra pair of hands, isn't it? You know, when you've got a child in the bath and realised you forgot the towel. Or forgot to heat up the bottle. Or the child is crying because she is ready for bed and wants to be carried but he needs to get things ready. Whereas he gets to just walk out the house with his music stuff, safe in the knowledge that he made me a cup of tea before he left so it should all be ok.

I feel completely isolated these days. Yes there are playdates, groups and stuff I go to. I make myself. I'm not a particularly out-there person but do need the social contact. DP thinks this is my 'leisure': going out to playgrounds and playgroups and drinking tea with the other mums. yet its all dependent on DD - if she is having a bad time, we leave early. If she's ill, we don't go. Sometimes I don't even leave the house for 3-4 days, and I'm the sort of person that is climbing the walls after a day at home.
Its hard to hold a proper conversation when maintaining permanent surveillance to check she's safe. She's curious and into everything, and its gorgeous to see the world through her eyes!
Its taken me weeks to make a single phone call to arrange a new playgroup for DD, as I can't seem to take a phone call without her crying to be picked up, getting into something she shouldn't, or generally climbing all over me. I can't remember the last time I had a phone chat . . . although I manage a few mins on fb at a time where I can check whats going on in the world, but rarely have time to manage a chat with anyone online. I don't feel like I talk to anyone, get any real downtime when she's there. So its REALLY important to me to know there is a day and time I can aim for where I can be me and know she's safe and being looked after by her daddy.

I find it hard to be supportive of someone else's interests when mine are expected to go to the back burner whenever they're inconveniencing him, creates resentment, eh? Go on, I reckon you think I'm absolutely horrible :-/ and "entitled"
feel slightly better for getting it out though

[Penfold007]

Does he come home from work before going to his session? I'd be tempted to have my coat on ready and leave the moment he comes in.
He needs to start respecting you and your time.

[Simplesusan]

Yep you need to tell him when you are going out and then leave the child care upto him.

He is being very selfish.

[diddl]

So you want to go to the gym twice a week, and he can practise anytime other than then?

Seems more than fair!

[vdbfamily]

Would it be possible to find a babysitter for the nights that your activities clash?

[Nanny0gg]

Would it be possible to find a babysitter for the nights that your activities clash?

Guess who'd have to arrange one...

And it wouldn't address the problem of him doing exactly as he pleases without reference to anyone else.

[diddl]

i was just thinking the same Nanny!

Maybe he'd like to pay for childcare from the money he earns gigging??

Or maybe he needs to learn that sometimes something has to give!

[plentyavino]

Wow, this guy sounds like a first class tosser. The band practice stuff aside, he sounds useless to be honest.

Sorry I know that's not much help but the only advice I could give is that if it was me I'd be telling him to start acting like a father and supporting partner or he'd be out the door. What a selfish prick.

[Spindarella]

You don't stop being people when you become parents and it is great that you both want to retain something of yourselves outside of that. Howver it must be fair and one person's "me time" doesn't get to trump another's.

YANBU.

I don't have any advice because the only thing that needs to change is him to stop acting like Mr Single but it's not you that needs to be told that! In fact, he shouldn't need to be told that, he should just get it. Urrrgggggghhhhhh!

[Swerving]

You have tried to reason with him and it doesn't work. No good trying to reach his nice side. Don't keep going on about it to him. Change your outlook and attitude _ don't let this make you unhappy. If you want to go out make arrangements for a babysitter yourself. Don't bother telling him (it's in the diary already). If you do , just give him the basic facts. (No mention of how long it's been since you had time off, ,etc, et c.). Sounds like he enjoys winding you up and coming out on top. Just don't give him the ammunition.

[Mouthfulofquiz]

Wow - what a Pillock he is being! You need to get on top of this big time before it ends up causing a hell of a lot of resentment. I have just instigated a paper calendar (ie - an actual physical calendar) so that things have to be written down, can't be snuck on or casually mentioned at the last minute. I've put all of DH's on call nights, football practice, my haircuts / mornings out, unusual start/finish times, and so far it seems to be working. Maybe worth a try?

[gentlehoney]

You obviously need to address the issue of him assuming that your free time is less important than his, but his practice time depends on several other people all with different commitments being able to attend at same time, and yours might be more flexible, so if it is, you could change your time out so it doesn't clash with his practice, as long as he doesn't keep altering dates.

[diddl]

Obviously if OP has a standing arrangement to go out on certain nights, then if also wants to, he needs to arrange a babysitter!

[dorasee]

I like the 'I'd go nuclear' comment! He's being a selfish prat, your dearly beloved is. All guys, especially first time dads, tend to have this setting by default. They're not bad, they're just all about the "ME" show. But that being said, this is the stuff that leads to break downs in a relationship beacuse it's selfish.
Hard as it is to trust someone with your LO, pay a minder, seriously. You will go bonkers if you don't get any YOU time while Mister Luvuh Luvuh is out there living his dreams, doing his thing. You will resent him less (trust me, you have EVERY reason to right now) if you have your own time. Seriously, ask friends if they have a child minder they trust, look at notice boards, get to know the child minders at local playgroups, etc... find someone who can look after your LO for a couple of hours a week. Try Sitters agency even. When it comes to a mother's sanity, spend what you can. It's an area where mothers really neglect themselves. We think we can do it all but we can't.
You and DH will both adjust to routine. It doesn't come overnight and I found with the first one, DH was just totally out there, doing his thing, taking photography road trips, exploring his hobby and passion... I mean, really?? NOW you want to explore your hobby when I need you to help me adjust to life with The Scream?? Guys totally think that because we give birth, we just totally slip seamlessly into motherhood, as if we've been waiting for this all of our lives (yes, in a way we have but even we need to adjust and guys sort of forget that). Definitely 'ave a word, go nuclear if you must, but be clear in your needs and I really suggest budgeting for a carer.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

Why does his hobby trump yours? Why is his time more important than yours?

If you're already busy then tell him he has to arrange a babysitter. His reaction to you shows that he sees his practise as clearly more important, you're just a convenient baby sitter that enables him to carry on his life as if nothing has changed.

I would be telling him that seeing as you're plans were booked first he needs to sort out childcare. I would also be bloody angry about his general attitude towards you.

[jambag]

This thread is niggling at me because I have not had the chance to pop back in and acknowledge the replies. Thank you all. I've also been hesitant as I am a wee bit unsure of the 'etiquette' as I keep noticing mention of dripfeeding, so obviously I want to keep within the 'etiquette' of posting, but don't see the point of starting/restarting the same thread over and over.

So the 2 hour session that he was asked to do . . . he asked me again if he was allowed (see, this whole 'asking permission' thing does my fucking nut. I'm not his mum!) to go do the session and I said, again, that it was my 'time out night'. I try not to get into the 'yes you can/no you can't' dynamic, would rather he used his adult brain!!
I think it was the next day that he realised that he actually had a concert to play at the week before.
Also on my night out. So for him to push to do the original 2 hour session AS WELL AS the concert that he hadn't realised he was doing would make him look a colossal bell end, so he has settled for putting it in the shared calender as "Mr Bag NOT doing session".
FFS.


He tells me I could go out more and do more things . . . this is not an option financially (another issue, but lets leave that at the door), its pushing it for me to do the two nights as it is, to the extent I feel like I'm 'wasting money' on myself. Which is fucking ridiculous but I realise now its a marker of where my sense of self-worth is at :-(
Because of the financial stressors, paying for childcare is not an option, and we don't have family in the country, although can arrange for friends to babysit on occasion. (and please don't suggest my getting a job, I've gone over and over how this could work, right now its not financially viable)

To be fair, he has stepped up his game lately and has been much better around the house. My cynical side wondered if he was trying to 'butter me up' or if he'd somehow seen this thread. When I hear about other people's blokes and how shit they can be around the house, I think I'm relatively lucky, just the usual 'doesn't see what needs doing' and leaves everything where it lands, but also is handy with hoover/iron/wok/whatever. He does come home, but the timing of the gym thing means that I don't need to leave til after 7 (which means I end up being hands on with teatime and DD), at least on one of the nights I do the big food shop so leave earlier. But because of the time he gets home, its better for DD if her food is ready and I'm not going to use her as a pawn in this!!

I've done a lot of thinking in the last week and veered between "its over" (not just because of the nights out thing) to 'ride it out, its just a rocky patch'.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

If you're thinkIng it might be over is it worth getting a friend to babysit so you can talk properly?

[Monathevampire1]

Jambag it seems there are some deep issues in your relationship and the band practice issue is just a symptom. You need to talk to him and be honest tell him you've got to the point where ending the marriage is a real possibility.

He may feel the same or he may be mortified to learn that you are so unhappy.

[OliviaBenson]

Hi again OP. Is it worth you going to the relationships board and having a chat over there. There does seem to be bigger issues at play. I hope that you are ok x

[jambag]

Yep you're right. I have actually been lurking on the relationships thread over the last week, considering posting there.
I also wonder how much might be my hormones . . . I was sooooo fucked off for the last week, and now its like a cloud has lifted, its weird. I don't think I am depressed as such, but lots of destructive thoughts and behaviours. But am I making excuses? Expecting the world on a plate? I don't know.

I know he would be mortified if he knew half of what I was thinking. He did say the other day (our 15 year anniversary) about how lucky we are (to have DD) and how lucky we are to have each other. I felt like such a shithead for all the stuff I had been thinking.
He's really not a bad person although does have a tendency to be selfish and try and manipulate some things to work out in his favour, and isn't the most imaginative unless his music interests are involved . I really would like some counselling for us over the space of a couple of months, not a few one off sessions (really? Who ever wants that?!!) and have mentioned this a few times over the last few years. I think it would get some stuff out in the open and having a neutral third party would potentially mean we could talk about certain things without it ending up in the inevitable standstill argument and him wearing his 'poor-me' victim hat offer a really good perspective, but there has been no way our budget has stretched that far (and he certainly hasn't wanted to put any of the discretionary spending on something so frivolous as counselling when there's music stuff he can be buying.

I've had a text today to say he has had a (work) job come up on Saturday night. So he is now out for the next 3 nights now. We are squeezing my gym-thing in tomorrow afternoon, hopefully. Thats something.
I know work is unavoidable not that there isn't a partner who could potentially get off their arse and do some extra work either

Yes, I'm angry, cynical and not very nice, and I need to go spew my vitriol elsewhere (relationships forum, I mean). I think thats half the problem too, my not having the 'space' to get my crap said (without it causing SO much bad feeling), all our friends seem to be mutual now, and talking to RL people feels so wrong, kinda unfaithful. Everyone knows each other in our circles. Maybe anonymous discussion boards are the way to go?

[Monathevampire1]

Vent away jambag life can be frustrating

[jambag]

Ah more venting needs to happen. I am totally not dripfeeding but I'm not sure how long I have alone to get it out - he's in the bath atm - so may have to hit post and close quickly. I really just want this space to vent and keep it all together so I can come back to and not feel like I really am the shit person I end up feeling like when this stupid fucking situation rears its fugly head again. Not necessarily needing replies along the LTB vein as thats absolute last resort and seems a bit much (although when I am looking at the themes underneath it all . . . how do we get through this? Tip of iceberg stuff, this 'time out' thing.

Also not sure if this should be moved to relationships forum as I'm doing a serial post thing here every few months and maybe thats not what this forum is for? I dunno. If anyone moddy wants to shift it, I'm cool with that.

So, chapter 3 - deja vu.
Apparently I had 4 weeks notice (this is important, apparently, the length of time?) where he 'asked me' back then if yet another session which happens to fall on 'my night' could result in me swopping my night for another. I said no. As a rule now, I am not agreeing to any swopping of nights as you can see from the history of this thread, that this keeps reoccuring and the expectation that I should chop and change because he wants extra time out to do 'one off' music events (to recap, now 2 nights a week for minimum of 3 hours each time) that someone else has organised but is unable to do themselves.
I say no, because I know as soon as I agree to put MY time out on the backburner, we are on shaky ground; next time round there is no reason why I shouldn't do the same again, and I am not going to set that precedent. I say no, as he clearly is not getting the idea that my time is not at his whim. I say no, because goddammit I LIVE for those hour sessions of mine, twice a week, where I stop being anything to anyone and just exist in that moment.

He may have asked again since, and I know I am keeping my responses the same.

This weekend we were away with all his musical peeps; we took DD with us and it worked that he looked after her most of the morning so I could do 2-3 sessions on an instrument I enjoy (I'm quite musical, or was when I was younger) so about 2-3 hours, then he would do his music and I would have DD for the rest of the day and evening (I was quite happy to hang out reading near her while she was asleep rather than socialising in the evenings)

BRB, can hear bathwater draining away

[EBearhug]

Have you ever asked him to rearrange one of his nights? Just to try and get him to understand?

[mrsfuzzy]

sorry to say this op, but has he actually realised that he is a dad and has a dp ? his responsibilities should be with you and your little one first and fore most, you need your time out too, it's not just about him on his jolly ups with the band. i take it he's not still a teenager ! why does his band practice take presidence over you ? i'd be seriously hacked off, oh, by the way do you ever go to any of the practices ? he might change his mind if you took little one along to see daddy at 'work' and cheer him on !

[jambag]

Part of the reason I agreed to go with him for the weekend was that otherwise I would have been on my own looking after DD for the entire time which, whilst it is entirely doable is also full on; we rarely get to go away for weekends and haven't been anywhere since last June and I fancied a change of scene, and it goes without saying that my 'time out at the gym' night would not be happening as I would have to be home with DD as he was away (I think he totally didn't even realise that his 'weekend away' cancelled out my scheduled time out either!) so I figured 'if you can't beat them, join them' in this instance. I don't enjoy the style of music played and it grates somewhat, but the instruments I was playing are quite harmonious and don't get on my tits like the rest of it does!

The last morning of the weekend away, he is talking to a group of people and inviting them to the session (that he mentioned 4 weeks ago) that he is running this week. Of course I don't make a scene, but just mutter to him 'oh is that what we agreed' and go back to our room with DD. I'm fucking livid. How dare he stand there in front of everyone to indirectly tell me that he is going ahead and doing his extra session anyway?!!!

Back at the room he tells me that we discussed this last week and I agreed that he could go! It transpires that we were both in the same room and he said to me "the XXXX session is going ahead next week" and I remember replying "oh really" or "is it?". I vaguely remember this, because I remember thinking 'I wonder whats coming next' but it never came. I don't know what happened but I imagine that DD came into the room and diverted our attention. And that, my friends, was my conceding my time out this week!

Still fucking livid. I asked him did he not think it was odd that something I had not wavered on for the last year, I would just agree just like that? He did not even refer to himself going to the extra session and I think in the few seconds we 'had the conversation about it last week' that I just figured that someone else was stepping in. I really did not give it any more thought.

The row has raged on over the day. I feel bad that DD is around to hear it, and he pointed out (his reaction is to sit sobbing on the sofa at the cruel heartless bitch he has partnered. I LOATHE this so much) how she was picking up on our arguing, which breaks my heart. Then I think, ok so she gets to see how the woman in a relationship refuses to get her needs over ridden and if she has to see us disagree, I would rather that be the role she sees rather than once again daddy is off out doing his thing while mum stays home and puts herself last yet again. Fuck that.

His initial idea was 'well I'll get someone to babysit'. Fine, I said. I think he expected me to disagree or something. 'You sort that out then' I said. I think he had a friend in mind who was at the weekend group
because he shortly after that told me that he couldn't get someone to babysit (and I suspect he only asked one person).
Later tonight he mentioned that he had someone else who had agreed to come and look after DD that night. 'Fine' I said (both people he has asked know DD quite well and she is happy with both of them) 'you'll be making sure they know how to settle her for the night then'. I had the horrible feeling that this would somehow turn out to be something else for me to sort out. Yep, he says, 'the friend will come home with him after work and have some food'.
'Oh, will you be cooking then?'
He was not impressed, as I pointed out that DD has her tea about half an hour before he gets home from work (god forbid he leave work early)
'Ok', I said, ' did you not actually mean to ask me if I minded cooking a meal for 3 people that night then?'
I don't eat before I go to the gym so don't really cook on those nights of my time out (and its worked out up until recently that we've been out at afternoon playgroup that day so not really had much chance to cook), he usually just makes up some pasta or eggs or something and I get DD sorted beforehand. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful our friend is willing to come all the way up here to help him out (we recently moved, we're no longer 'just a road or two away' from most people we know now, more a 20-30 minute drive).

Yep it looks like I'm so mean and difficult eh? Becasue it would have just been expected that I throw together a healthy nutritious evening meal that I won't even eat till3 hours later to help patch the holes in his solution. The easiest thing would be to say 'forget it, I'll stay home again' but fuck it, where's the respect. He tells me I am just being controlling and inflexible and I tell him he's being massively disrespectful. For the sake of 2 hours sanity time a week for me, why should I have to regularly go through this bullshit? he's clearly not getting it.

The sad thing is this week we will be transferring an embryo in a bid for a second child. He tells me he wonders if we shouldn't be cancelling the appt for transfer and all I can think is 'your music really is more important than your family here, isn't it?'

[jambag]

And I am more than happy to cook for people who do me the favour of babysitting, in case that reads like I can't even be arsed to cook for friends, I can, totally. the point is more that its ME who is having the extra running around mealplanning, shopping (we don't have much food in till we sort out our next mealplan) and cooking to make sure HE can do his extra fun stuff.