To still be affected by DS's birth 7 months later (Possible TMI)

[FoonaLagoona]

Hello everyone, I have name changed for this, I'm sorry it is so long.

I had the perfect pregnancy with DS, except that I found out I was GBS positve so had to give birth in the consultant lead unit.

I was due to be induced because DS was overdue, however the morning of my induction I went into labour (albeit early stages) so I was sent up to the ward so they could keep an eye/induce me if I hadn't progressed much by my appointment time. By the evening, I was in a lot of pain, mainly in my back and lower legs, each time I went to the loo I was unable to go so I hadn't been all day, I could no longer feel the individual contractions and began to panic, at one point I even had an urge to push. Myself and my DH kept asking if one of the midwives could examine me/give me some pain relief (specifically g&a) and each time was told they would have to come back as they were busy, they were very snappy. One midwife gave me codine which gave me really weird hallucinations that I wasn't really in Labour I was on a weird TV sitcom and that someone was in the room with me telling me that because I was in pain I should be screaming (very odd!). At changeover time around 11pm I was seen by a lovely midwife who examined me, (I wasn't even 3cms!) gave me gas and air and actually began the induction process (she apologised profusely about it being so late as I was meant to be induced at 3pm) later I was taken down to the delivery suite.

I dont really remember much about being in the delivery suite, allthough I do remember bleeding alot so the midwife got my DH to put a maternity pad in my knickers (poor bloke). At one point I stood up and a massive gush of blood went through the hospital pad and onto the floor. Sorry about the TMI, have no idea what this was, allthough the midwife told me it was not my waters.

I was induced again later on and despite getting to 10cms and pushing for a long time, I was not getting anywhere and DS was confirmed to be back to back so the consultant suggested forceps in theatre. I asked if at this point a c section would be safer for baby, to which the consultant said "it's safer for baby but not for you" I asked to go for the c section, however the consultant said "no, we will try forceps first". Once in theatre the surgeon said DS was distressed so they would be going straight for the c section, I was so relieved!! The C Section was great, but DS was taken down to SCBU. They brought DS up briefly when I was in recovery but took him down again as he had hypothermia and got too cold. Once the anaesthetic wore off I felt really unwell, I was out of it but DH told me that the Drs told him that my blood pressure was very low and my pulse was fast, they found out that my HG levels were at 6 so they would have to give me blood transfusions (I had three), they told DH that my Hg levels must have been incorrect before the op due to dehydration and that I did not loose an excessive amount during the OP so it must have been in labour. They estimated that in total I lost around 2000ml.

Once back on the ward the staff were awful, I kept asking if someone could bring me a breast pump or if the lactation consultant could come and see me (I was told I had to remain bed bound still), each time it was the same thing that they were busy. Unfortunately DH was now only there during visiting hours and divided his time between me and DS and I didn't have the strength to argue with them. I was on a large ward and was the only lady without her baby there. I was eventually able to get up and visit my DS in SCBU, I was told he would have to stay in becuase he had a condition where he could not feed so he had to be tube fed, the SCBU ladies were brilliant. On day 5 post op, I was told by the midwife I could go home that day, however when the doctor came round he said my Hg levels had only risen to 8 and that I should have more transfusions, he gave me time to think about it during which the midwife came back and told me that they know better that the Drs and I should be discharged with Iron tablets and told me that "more women are being admitted today and they all have their babies with them" so I turned down the transfusions and took up the midwife's offer of hospital accommodation which we paid for ourselves which was "as close to the SCBU as the ward" total bullshit as it was a long drive away off the main hospital premises so DH took me home.

We were allowed to take DS home a few days later. He is a dream baby now 7 months old, however I am always replaying the events of his birth over and over in my head always wondering what exactly caused the blood loss, will it happen again if I have another baby. I have never felt so out of control and that thought is terrifying. I also feel like a failure and I always wonder if there was anything I could have done differently, I feel like it is my fault DS ended up in SCBU. My heart breaks when I hear of friends having natural deliveries and getting to be with thier babies as soon as they were born. Even seeing pictures of friends in hospital with their babies sets off this odd mixture of fear, jealousy and guilt. I also feel so bad that there are women out there who have had a far worse time than me, however here I am not coping with mine. I feel like these feelings are not good and need addressing so I can enjoy my DS's newborn stage more, but I am too scared to seek the help of another medical professional and tell them things I can't tell those close to me about.

Sorry again that this has been so long, and that bits of it are a bit muddled, I have no idea of times and things. Thank you if you have got this far, sorry I sound so self pitying but I just want to stop feeling this way.

[parentalunit]

YANBU at all. AT ALL. Your experience was horrendous, I am so sorry you went through this.

If it makes you feel any better, my births were apparently "normal uncomplicated vaginal deliveries" and I still have nightmares and anxiety. Traumatic is definitely the appropriate word to use.

I do think that your treatment was unacceptable, but not sure how you would go about addressing that. Perhaps someone else can advise.

Best wishes and .

[hatsybatsy]

FWIW I had a CS with mine. This was after months of the NCT lady drilling into us that this was the WORST option available.

Cue me feeling rubbish for quite a long time after ds was born, feeling guilty whenever I heard about all my friends' natural births, wishin i could have dn it differently etc.

And now? Well he's 9. It makes no difference how he got here - and the physical and emotional scars have faded away.

I would definitely get a copy of your notes and arrange to discuss them with someone at the hospital. And be kind to yourself - the main thing is honestly that you have a healthy happy baby. Nothing that happened was anyone's fault.

[dixiechick1975]

Go to your gp and ask for referral to specialist midwife who deals with debriefs. Mine was called a midwife consultant.

I went when dd was over 1. My friend told me about it. I asked my gp who had never heard of it but he did the referral.

She read my notes and properly talked to me. She explained and reassured how things would be if I had another(I never did) she gave me her card and said I was to contact her if I needed or got pg again.

One thing I mentioned was I had never been seen by a Hv just a student once. Wasn't an official complaint but came up in context of how I'd been unsupported dealing with a dd born with a disability. She contacted Hv and senior Hv came to see me and apologised.

I still had flashbacks etc til dd was 5 ish especially around her birthday.

[LiegeAndLief]

I really understand where you are coming from as I felt exactly the same after the birth of ds, really I could have written some of that post. Very different circumstances as I had severe preeclampsia and had to have a cs at 34 weeks. Ds was in NICU/SCBU for quite a while and I was discharged without him.

It felt very raw for at least a year, every day for 7 weeks I had to walk past women leaving hospital with their newborns to get into SCBU and I felt very resentful of them. Definitely a lot of fear, jealousy and guilt! I didn't tell anyone the extent of my feelings, which was probably not a good idea. I think some kind of counselling where you could talk as you have here would be a good step forward.

It got a bit better with time but really the thing that helped the most was having dd three years later. Relatively easy vaginal delivery and most importantly dd was full term and healthy and I got to keep her with me! I had preeclampsia again and was in for a few days after the birth and the difference in having my baby with me was amazing.

Ds is 7 now and honestly the way your dc came into the world does get less important and less a part of their lives as they get older. I still wish things had been different but it is in no way as all encompassing as it used to be and ds is quite proud of the fact that he was premature and had to live in a box with a machine making his lungs work!

I wish you lots of luck in managing to deal with your feelings so they are not so painful for you.

[summertimeandthelivingiseasy]

I had two rapid normal vaginal births - one singleton, and one twins, which I managed without intervention. It all looks very good on paper.

In reality, it was chaotic.

The first one was very fast and I lost a lot of blood from the tears, so was in a bad way for quite a while.

With the twins, I knew it was going to be fast, and was well aware of the problems that I might encounter with a twin birth. I had trouble getting the hospital to admit me. They had my notes from the first baby, and it was still chaos. However, they still insisted on breaking the waters to help things along (very junior doctor - registrar in bed giving instructions). We were left alone with the first one crowning, whilst all the people who were supposed to be there were summoned, and she was almost delivered by oh. Thankfully, he noticed when the second was crowning, because the doctor was busy faffing with instruments at the other end of the room and the midwives doing something with their backs turned (they had my legs in stirrups on a bed with no end by then, so nothing under my bum but the floor). If anything had gone wrong I do not believe they would have acted fast enough. There was no preparation and they were determined to keep to a standard plan for delivering twins, rather than to take notice of what was happening then.

They were in SCBU for 15 days. I think this was just until they could feed properly, but the information from the different nurses was never the same twice. The consultant saw them on the first day and said one thing, then went on holiday for the duration and they all did something else. (same with the 'named nurse') I even got into trouble for changing the nappy after a feed when I should have only done it before . I felt like I had sprung them from prison when I got them home.

I thought I had put this all behind me, have been 'repaired' from my first birth last year, but on the twins' 20th birthday, DH mentioned about them not noticing dd2 crowning, and I had visions of her falling to the floor and all the anger came back. He said that there was no way this would have happened because he would have caught her. And he would have too. He is a good catch

I did meet some really nice helpful midwives and scbu nurses on the way, so I try and remember them.

You are DNBU to be still affected. 7 months is not long and you have a lot to deal with. It is horrible to be helpless and not feel you are being listened to. So what others have said upthread. Be kind to yourself

[IkeaFurnitureAssemblyChampions]

I agree YANBU. I can relate to almost everything you wrote, especially the guilt and feeling like I had somehow done something wrong (and I didn't have a C-section). It took me a couple of years to "get over" it, and in that time I shed a lot of tears to a fair few professionals!

Fortunately for me, things after the birth were great and they looked after me brilliantly, including putting me in a ward on my own rather than having to share with the mothers with new babies (obviously I realise that this is not always possible), and wheeling me down to the SCBU in my hospital bed, all hooked up to my drip and blood transfusion, so that I could hold DC1 (and taking a photo of us together for me to take back to the ward with me). It seems like they did their best to take care of you physically, but absolutely nothing to take care of you emotionally, which ended up causing further harm.

I'm glad to be able to say that it IS possible to heal from your experience, although the time frame and methods may well be very different to mine. But YADNBU for being upset only 7 months later. That is just a heartbeat in terms of what you went through.

[MrsChickPea]

Hello. My experience sounds much like yours. It was over 7 years ago and I still think about it.
I was in agony in the bottom and back region. Took every drug going. Never managed to dilate properly - only got as far as 7cm. After 30 hours of agony, and once the oxytocin given had distressed baby, I had emergency CS. We were back to back. If I'd known what I was going to go through in terms of pain I would have happily paid for a CS right at the start. I often think about it. The CS was awful as his head was completely stuck after being there for so long and they struggled to get him out. The crash team were called. All was well eventually though. I too still have so many questions, but it feels too late to ask. I wish I had asked at the time how they'd let it go so very wrong - they knew we were back to back and that he'd never come out! He still has a slightly odd shaped head.

[LilacRoses]

OP, I feel horrible for you. I had a similarly hideous time with my Dd and it affected me for a long time. It does even now if I let myself go there, some 11 years later. I had a very traumatic birth experience with some nursing staff being so unpleasant I sometimes wonder if I imagined it. Thankfully my mum and my ex p were also there and they have confirmed to me that it really did happen.

I developed severe PND after this, unsurprisingly. It was incredibly unhelpful to hear people tell me that I should think myself lucky and that some people have much worse experiences etc etc. That made me feel even worse about myself.

I went to visit a counsellor at the hospital and she was helpful in some ways but I wish I'd known about the traumatic birth association. I think talking to people who've actually gone through it, believe you and understand how powerless and terrified you felt would have been much more helpful.

Well done for sharing you story, I hope you are able to find support. DO NOT feel in any way inadequate for feeling the way you do. You have done very well indeed.

[Fckthis]

I'm sorry this will be short and I haven't read all the replies. Go to your gp, request CBT, quickly as you have priority for having an under 1 baby.
Doing this will help you deal with everything that happened. Best of luck.

[LilacRoses]

I would agree though that time is healing. I don't think about the experience much at all now but it has allowed me to empathise with other women who've had a tough time and I am glad of that. Many of my friends who've had a traumatic time with their first baby have had a much better time with subsequent births so it is absolutely possible that this will be the case for you.

[MyCatLovesMeSometimes]

OP I had a debrief 6 months after the birth of DD (with a Head Midwife) this really helped me (I was induced at 36 weeks also with GBS, pre-ecampsia and ended up an emergency c-section as DD was distressed and getting oxygen deprived).

I was very depressed afterwards. Talking to someone who knew about giving birth, who was a neutral observer though and who did advise me to complain about elements of my care and to change how notes were added to the patient file - this debrief really helped me to process everything that happened and help me get past it and bond with DD in a far better way.

I hope you manage to get some help as it really made a difference to me.

[lylasmam2012]

I had a similar story - I lost 3 pints of blood and had 5 units in a transfusion. Ended up in surgery and almost lost my womb while DD was in NICU (she didn't pink up when born), DH had to race into the hospital at 3 in the morning when he was told I was going into surgery.

I still feel bad 21 months later that I didn't get to spend time with her after she was born, but to be honest it's my husband who is more affected. He is only just now coming around to the idea of me possibly ever getting pregnant again.

I'm still not entirely sure why it all happened, I think it was because DD was 11lbs born and she came really fast once I was induced.

It does get easier, I remember less now and think about it less and less.

[FoonaLagoona]

Morning everyone, thank you so much for taking the time to reply and for sharing your experiences I am really glad to hear some of you have gone on to have more children despite what you went through, because I have always wanted to have more than one child if possible. I think the first step I need to take is to open up to my DH and have a proper discussion about how I am feeling, I don't usually keep anything from him, then work up the courage to request a debrief.