To be annoyed that I keep getting ignored like this

[GotAnotherQuestion]

I am married with 2 young children.

I have a debilitating chronic neurological illness so get extremely tired and need rest to get through the day. I make this just 1 or 1.5 hours a day because I know it impacts on everyone else, but the truth is it's not enough and it shows (I am not coping well in life and look constantly worn out).

My husband now has ulcerative colitis which makes him feel tired too. Every day off he gets, there is an opportunity for both of us to rest for an hour or two while the baby sleeps mid-morning. I take this opportunity so it causes least impact on anyone else, but he refuses and wants to do hobbies instead, which in a way I can understand because I miss the ability to do my own hobbies.

But the problem is, having declined the chance to sleep, he wants to sleep later in the day when the baby is awake. This means I have 2 pre-school children to entertain single handedly while husband leaves me to it and sleeps.

It seems so selfish and I've mentioned how it's not very fair, but am always ignored and am getting so fed up of this!

His day consists of: play am and sleep pm, and mine is rest am and babysit 2 little ones pm. Is it me or would anyone else be frustrated by this?

[edwinbear]

I suffer from proctitis, a form of UC, although not had a flare up since 2009. Never, ever did I feel the need for a lie down.

[GotAnotherQuestion]

He's not in a flare up but he says he gets mild niggles or cramping most days.

I'm sure that must be hard and although he says he goes to work for a rest, he also says he performs much better at work than at home. He feels like he used up all his resources and there is nothing left.

Thanks also for those who have shared their Inflammatory bowel experiences and for those who understand the problems with neurological disease. It's nice to feel there are others out there in the same boat.

[ILoveFrogs]

I have crohn's so kind understand how he feels. I'm on mercaptopurine ( similar to azaphioprine, which I suspect he's on).

Now I am tired a lot, but I only get to that degree of tiredness, where I can't help with my own child and have to sleep during the day or in the evening, when I'm having a severe flare up.... If that's the case he should be getting onto his IBD nurse or up to A&E to be admitted (I'm in my bed all day when I am and it usually ends in a hospital admission for IV steroids). His illness obviously isn't being managed properly or he is exaggerating a bit, yes it's hard having an IBD, yes it's tiring and even though it can be a struggle, you can still get through day to day life, you just have to when there are children to be cared for!

[GotAnotherQuestion]

The trouble is, on the rare occasion I've pulled him up on it, he's ended up being snappy and short with the kids and it ends in tears. I just can't bring myself to let that happen. I'm sure he knows that my hands are tied that way if we are to remain together.

[GotAnotherQuestion]

My 4 year old knows I get tired and need rest, but I don't mention it all that much because I try to make it a lesser feature (even though it dominates my life). He's very understanding and likes his special time. I set him up with a nice drink and biscuit and tell him that he can come and get me if he needs me.

I don't think he would necessarily know where his Dad is at the bottom of the garden. The reason I think that is because he doesn't bother to explain where he is and my son has, on occasion, come and spoken to me if he wanted something (like a change of DVD).

I have made it clear that I need more rest but he says he can't cope if I do, so I feel pretty stuck really.

Interesting that a few people have mentioned UC and how it doesn't cause this awful tiredness for them. As I said earlier, I suspect a degree of depression but he denies it fervently.

Today when I said (again) how I am fed up of being ignored like this, he said I could go and sleep after him, but it was nearly tea-time and a bit late by then. He can't handle the tea and bedtime routine by himself. Can't or won't - either way it's not pretty!

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

I think you need to have a second rest in the afternoon once your dh is up while he looks after the kids.

So he gets rest time and hobby time and you get 2 rest times. (Or swap a rest time with a hobby time if you are having a good day.) I have realised with dh that rather than expecting him to take less / give more, I need to take more IYSWIM.

[Coffeethrowtrampbitch]

I understand you op, I've just been diagnosed with a neurological condition myself and I'm alarmed how weak and tired I've become and how much I struggle every day. Mine is steroid responsive so at the moment I am coping, but I used to have three under four and cope fine, now two at school and one at home and I find myself struggling. I think I would have had trouble understanding how I feel now if someone had tried to explain it to me before I became ill.

You will have to talk to your DH and explain that you need rest, you need more than you are getting, and he has to take some time during the day to allow you to do so, especially if you are letting him rest and taking on the burden of two children by yourself when you are already tired.

Could the kids play in the garden in better weather? That way dh could be in and out of the shed doing his hobby and still supervising. If the little one is napping you could be in the house and you would wake if he rouses.

[littlemisssarcastic]

Btw, I think your DH IBU for leaving his 4 year old to entertain himself while he sods off to the shed to pursue whatever his hobbies are in the shed instead of supporting you and looking after his 4 year old.

I don't really understand why you can't take turns to sleep.

[littlemisssarcastic]

I think it depends how your 4 year old feels about it. Does your 4 year old know you have health issues that mean you get tired and need to sleep?

Would your 4 year old go to the shed to get dad if they needed anything?

[Southpaws]

But when you are in a different room you are conscious, can keep your ear out and keep bobbing in and out. You can't do that if you are asleep.

[GotAnotherQuestion]

No I could never have tried it when the eldest was 2. Or even 3.

[GotAnotherQuestion]

Don't people leave their 4 year olds in the front room while they cooker dinner? Our house is fairy open plan and there is a partition serving to separate the kitchen and lounge.

Maybe it would be different if we were heavy sleepers but we aren't. And sometimes it just takes lying still in the quiet rather than actually sleeping.

[littlemisssarcastic]

Leaving a 4 year old to watch tv while you sleep is a bit different to leaving a 2 year old to watch tv while you sleep.
Can you sleep in the same room as your preschooler?

[GotAnotherQuestion]

Baby is under a year and preschooler is 4.

[Southpaws]

It sounds like a very difficult situation but surely a pre schooler shouldn't be being left alone for 1-1.5 hours, whether the parents are asleep or at the bottom of the garden?? Dd is nearly 4 and I wouldn't dream of leaving her for that long and no one else I know would either. It sounds like you need to ask him to come inside and properly attend to your ds while you sleep and then he sleeps in the afternoon.

[littlemisssarcastic]

How old are your DC OP?

[GotAnotherQuestion]

The trouble is that he's left alone when 'babysat' by his Dad. It's actually worse because his Dad is out of the premises, whereas I am just in the next room with the doors open. He's actually pretty content to watch his cbeebies or put the octonauts DVD on. If his Dad were to have a rest he would go upstairs for it.

[gordyslovesheep]

Yes that's the bit that's concerning me - you can't be leaving the eldest one alone

[gamerchick]

I'm not understanding properly.. are you saying you go to bed for a couple of hours and want your bloke to do the same while your eldest is left alone?

[GotAnotherQuestion]

No it's not new, it's been a couple of years.

[Fairenuff]

But on his days off you can both take it in turns to sleep, do your hobbies and watch the children, so surely it works in your favour?

[littlemisssarcastic]

I know you don't want to impact on anyone else, but would your family or close friends be able to help you?