BIL's Wedding: Abroad, in termtime, aaargh!

[Barefootgirl]

I am actually more upset by this than I realised at first. I'll try not to drip feed, so this might be long, please bear with me.

My BIL (DH's brother) is getting married in Greece next year. No particular reason for choosing Greece, beyond that its nice and hot and not too expensive. The wedding is on a Thursday, they want everyone to fly out on the previous Saturday and stay until the following Saturday. It will be the last week in June/beginning of July.

In principle, I think this is quite a nice idea. HOWEVER;

it is term-time! My DD is 11 and at special school. There is no way they will allow me to take her out for a whole week. My personal view is that in termtime, children should be at school unless they are ill. The school will fine us, to the tune of £60 per parent per day, so £720 for the five days.

BUT

Its DH's brother. I suggested to DH that he goes alone. He doesn't want to go without me, plus everyone will be upset if we are not at the wedding, it will look like a deliberate slight, cause huge family ructions, etc.

We havent been on holiday as a family since 2009, due to illness, unemployment, serious financial issues, etc. DH has been away for long weekends, etc with his friends, but I have been stuck here caring for DD. This would actually be our first holiday in 6 years, and i desperately need a break.

The wedding is not until July 2015. I have 14 months of stress about this. I actually feel very resentful towards my BIL for putting us into this position. He has a DD of his own, but she will be 16 by then, so presumably it won't matter so much for her.

[Purplepoodle]

You know what. I'd write a letter to the school asking for a special leave, stating what home work you are taking door you dd. Also check out if there is anything historical, geographic interest nearby at the Greek location as you could include that in that in the letter to show educational value of the trip since she is only on a pt timetable anyway.

Then I would go anyway if you can afford the fine.

[WhoNickedMyName]

I'd go.

You want to go, you want and need the break, and I think you're mistaken about the fine.

So go.

[AngelsWithSilverWings]

My initial thoughts on reading your OP were to say don't go. But reading your subsequent posts it comes across that you would actually like to go and are actually in great need of a break.

It doesn't sound as if your DD will suffer from lost time at school and the cost of the week in June will be far less than a similar holiday in July or August, even with the £120 fine to pay. I'd contact the school and just book it in so that you can relax and look forward to it.

The only thing I'd want to make sure of is that my time in Greece will not be dictated by what the B and G want. I would want a holiday that just happens to include attending a wedding. If the B&G are going to insist on you following a timetable of things that they want you all to do as a group I would refuse to go. But that's just me and my hatred of being told what to do when I'm on holiday!

[LiegeAndLief]

If you want to go, I would do it, I think pp are right about the fine.

On the other hand, your BIL is seriously expecting all his wedding guests to take a week's annual leave and take their kids out of school (and presumably spend large amounts of money) to attend his wedding?! Seems a bit ridiculous to me. I have just declined an invitation to my cousin's wedding which is on a weekday during term time - my parents are a bit miffed but if you want to make it easy for your guests to attend, don't have your wedding at an incredibly inconvenient time!

[mummytime]

Having read it all.

If you would quite like to go, and its somewhere you would like/wouldn't mind going. Then I would go, the fine doesn't seem as bad as it used to be suggested it could be.
I would also investigate internet schools like Internet high or Wey ecademey incase this will provide better provision for your DD in the future.
Does she have a diagnosis.

They've probably chosen this time btw because it is after GCSE have finished.

[middleagedspread]

Really if you chose a long distance wedding on a week day you'd surely know many guests will decline? Presumably all with school age children.

I think I'd speak to the school first & explain your circumstances. It sounds like you don't want to rock the boat which is very understandable.

It's a bit selfish to put you in such a tricky position.
If DH goes alone does that mean using funds you'd earmarked for a family holiday?

[EverythingCounts]

It is selfish of your BIL. I can see why you're conflicted about it. Would it actually be affordable? Is it a reasonably priced hotel etc?

[NewNameForSpring]

You haven't said if anyone else could look after your DD for a few days or even the whole week. Then you could have a holiday with DH.

[Thomyorke]

Is there any parts to your child's SN that link to needing quieter times. DS2 special school allow this as being a form of respite. I have DC at secondary mainstream so do not takes DS2 out for holidays but I do take him out for recreational days that he could not enjoy at busier times.

[fatlazymummy]

My daughter is at special school. I think they would probably give permission to go, as they see the family relationship as the most important part of my daughter's life.
If they didn't give permission I would go anyway (assuming I could save up that amount of money in the time ).I would just regard the fine as an extra expense.

[RedRoom]

They've chosen midweek term time because it is cheaper for them, not because it is more convenient for their guests. Go if you can afford it and if you feel ok about paying the fine, otherwise excuse yourself from going and don't feel guilty about it.

Although weddings abroad are a lovely idea, people choosing this option have to accept that it will be too expensive or inconvenient for some guests to attend. After all, some people might be in late pregnancy, or unable to get time off, or already have work trips abroad scheduled etc. or, they may just not realky want to use five days of their annual leave to go to a destination of someone else's choosing at a time they have no control over.

The only compromise is the one that you suggested: that you stay at home with your daughter and your husband goes alone. Your husband's belief that this will cause ructions and stress is based on his emotion, not on fact. If you explain very honestly the reasons why only he can go, why would that cause huge arguments? You have an SEN child in school and her education is your priority: that's pretty justifiable IMO.

[LIZS]

Sounds like a cake and eat it situation for the bride/groom, stuff everyone else . Say now you and dd cannot attend and it will be dh alone for a few days only, which gives them time to decide if your presence is that important. If you need a holiday better to be one of your choosing, location and timing.

[IwinIwin]

Term time is so much cheaper then out of it- like with holidays. Weddingsare usually just one day though so schools are ore likely to grant special circumstance, whereas a week....you could ask them, suggest taking anything with you material wise from the school but you may end up with a £120 fine.

DH needs to just explain to BIL the situation, but I'd check first with the school. They may be very generous or you may decide the 120 is worth it. Hell, if he B&G were tat awesome they may even contribute towards the fine if they really want you all there. Your DH needs to stop stressing though, hes getting more wound up by his own imagination then the truth. What a waste and stress that would be if B&G went 'that's okay, a shame but we understand'.

[SATSmadness]

Regarding the possibility of family ructions if you decide that it's just not possible....

You make it known that after all the problems getting your dd a special school place, the school & LEA have said that your daughter will be withdrawn from the school roll, losing her place there completely, if you go ahead with this term-time break so your hands are tied, not your fault etc etc but totally not an option to risk losing dd's school place.

This may be not quite true but who's to know and although it is manipulative in that it may even leave people feeling sorry for your predicament, you've been backed into a corner by BIL and your ILs anyway.

[specialsubject]

anyone who gets upset or produces 'ructions' because someone can't make a wedding needs to grow up. You have perfectly good reasons for not being able to go.

BTW Where in Greece? Most of the country is lovely but check he hasn't booked one of the few ghastly kiddie-drunk places!!

[Barefootgirl]

Thanks all, some very good food for thought here. Its Rhodes, as it happens. I've not been to Greece since about 1990, which was a 6th form Classical Greek trip (oh God, the horror of being made to stand in the middle of the theatre at Epidaurus and recite from Oedipus Rex IN EFFING GREEK). i dont think Rhodes is a kiddie-drunk place, is it? It looks nice in the brochures!

Its so frustrating. I would like to go to Greece. I would like to go to my BIL's wedding. We can't really afford it, but its a one-off occasion, and we do have time to save up (and the hotel is AI, so not a lot more to spend once we get there unless we want to). I am jsut annoyed at the whole termtime, midweek thing. DH and I are both on contract, so if we dont work, we don't earn (although actually, by next June I might be on a proper contract, so might not be the case for me). We'd both lose a week's money on top of the cost of the holiday, getting someone in to look after the dog and cats, the potential fine from school....oh God, its really not going to be worth it, is it?

Crap.

[Wigglebummunch]

It's not going to be worth it. If you want to go then go and suck up the costs you've listed. I would decline the invite but probably make DH go as it is his brother after all.

[ALifeOfPie]

I think you are entirely reasonable to do whatever works best for your family. People who choose to have a wedding mid-week in term-time have absolutely no right to get miffed if some people, even close family, don't come. That's the price they pay for making that choice.

BUT you've got over a year to find a way to make it work if you want to go. You can start saving. You can have an extra-frugal christmas and put the savings into the holiday fund (one frugal christmas won't hurt). You may as someone else suggested be able to get someone to stay at your house with DD while you are gone, or just add the fine (assuming PPs are right about it being £120 rather than £720) to the cost you need to save up for. Keep an open mind, where there is a will there is a way (but if you actually don't want to put in the required effort, that is fine too)

[LizardBreath]

I went to a wedding abroad that time last year. None of the Children attending got fined (or rather their parents didn't), it sounds as though your daughter possibly won't be missing that much? Especially end of term. I also had my doubts about weddings abroad, but it was brilliant. really, Really enjoyable holiday.

[mummytime]

It probably is cheaper then than the middle of the school holidays (and to do it in the school holidays might even need to be booked years in advance).
You could ask the school, they only time I took my DC out in term time I got permission but laid it on thick about the family reasons. This is an article about the fine in the Guardian and suggests your maximum fine if paid promptly is £120.
How much money are you losing anyway with your DDs irregular school attendance etc?
If you are self-employed it is crucial to not factor in the lost wages to holidays. The most expensive holiday we had was about 10 days when DH was working as a contractor, and the main "cost" was the lost money.

Could a neighbouring teen feed the cat and dog? Or could you do it on a swap for a neighbour?

[nennypops]

Barefootgirl, it's a separate issue, but dd is entitled to full time education by law. You might like to get some advice via the Special Needs board.

[Hissy]

If you decline now, your (idiotic) bil has the opportunity to rearrange the date to make it more accessible to family/friends with dc.

He's being very selfish and it's a pointless exercise in ego boosting tbh.

Decline the invitation now.

[PrimalLass]

Just go. The fine is about £1/week between now and then.

[5madthings]

If your bil and family is so insistent you go maybe they can pay the fine if you get one?!!

[mygrandchildrenrock]

I thought you only got a fine after you'd missed 5 days of school, not for the first 5 days. Then the fine is per day and each parent has to pay it. It can quickly escalate if they don't. You should be alright for a week, I don't know if different Local Authorities have different rules, but I thought it was a national ruling. I shall have to check this out and get back to you.