To wonder why I always end up being excluded/left out?

[Rhine]

This has been going on since my early teens when I was in high school. Whenever there is a party or some kind of meet up I usually end up being left out and not being asked along and it's really hurtful. I'm always polite and smile at people, I make efforts to chat with them but I still end up getting sidelined.

I know that I can't expect to be included in everything and that's fine, but when your one of only about two or three people, or worse the only person in a large group not invited it's horrible. You end up out of the loop and uninvolved when everyone chats about it afterwards.

I'm trying hard to widen my social circle. I suffered social anxiety for many years, I has counselling for it and I thought that I was over it but then stuff like this happens and I end up back at square one. My counsellor told me that it's perfectly fine to ask if you can go along to something, but I don't feel confident enough to do that.

I don't want to say too much in case it outs me, but it makes me wonder why I even bother trying with people? Maybe I was just meant to be a loaner?

[cheeseandfickle]

I second the suggestion of seeking out individuals that don't seem to be part of a group. I have done this at the school this year (my youngest is in reception) and made lots of really nice friends.

I often find too that one-to-one friendships are the way to break into a group. If you become friendly with one group member then they will often start to invite you to things and introducing you to other people. The thing that is important to remember is that you need a connection with someone to start up a friendship; whether it's your DCs being in the same class at school, or having a hobby in common, or being on an online forum together.

[ThingsThatShine]

Have you ever tried meetup.com? I knew a girl who was really quite awkward and anxious but she made a lot of good friends through going to activities organised by this

[rookiemater]

I used to be socially anxious too.

What cured me was when I was in my early thirties I joined a young professionals networking type group. I joined mostly to meet men as I was single at the time, but ended up being asked to be the members director. Suddenly I was in the position of having to focus on others, to make them feel at ease when they came along to our meetings. The transformation for me was amazing, it no longer mattered if my clothes or make up were right, or at least not so much, what mattered was the other person.

OP I'd go down a different direction, rather than trying purely to make friends, volunteer to help in an organisation - can be as low key as you like. If your DC are young, then be the person helping out at the toddlers group, if they are at school (controversial this one) join the PTA , volunteer to help out with school events. These are ways that will get you in contact with people in a more natural way where you have a common bond.

[maddening]

right - look up bands and comedians and shows that you and your friends are in to - jot down available showings, find restaurants nearby and suggest it to your friends - having a nice idea of an outing might help you feel confident - or if you get a voucher for a naice restaurant ask them along.

[Rhine]

I've never tried meet up, no but I might give it a go. I think I need to accept that not everyone will like me or want to be friends with me. That's life I suppose, I don't often meet people that I clique with I suppose I'll just have to keep on trying until I do.

[Borelis]

I found this thread on a search - I know this topic is several years old but I do relate to it hugely. From my experiences, it constantly happens to people who are "too nice/polite" it seems.. I get why being too nice can be a bit off-putting/boring in a romantic relationship but it doesn't seem like it should be a dealbreaker for a simple friendship, surely?

[freddie831]

Maybe your trying to fit into a goldfish bowl when your a mermaid.
Women are awful creatures in general attention seeking need to be better than everyone else.
Noone is perfect and maybe you do give off the wrong signals some off the time but everyone does.
You might be very beautiful and the women dont want you around . Look up a loose women talk where Sara Khan admits that she excluded good looking women,
Maybe your better off without them

[Thingsdogetbetter]

If it's a large group with a clique of 6, then lots of other people are being 'excluded' too, not just you. Your internal narrative that it's just you who gets left out is screaming and you're not seeing that it's everyone else in the group too. You're focusing on this group of 6 and yourself and seeing/expecting history to repeat itself. Which is stopping you seeing the other potential friends in this large group.

Widen out your focus to all the others who are not in the 6. Perhaps start your own clique? The tightknit 6 are just that: tight and difficult to break into for anyone. Look at the others in the group. When talking to 3 or 4 of them, casually mention going for coffee. The more you invite the less likely that everyone will be 'busy', so the fear of being rejected is reduced.

The 6 have already set their group dynamic. Don't try and break into it. Widen your search to the rest, who may be feeling as anxious as you.

[Thingsdogetbetter]

Zombie - when will i learn to look at dates?!

And @freddie831 wtf. Don't like woman much?!