To want to breastfeed again?

[TwosaCrowd]

Warning - long post coming up

When my son was born at 37 weeks (though we think he was more like 36weeks) he struggled to latch, suck and swallow. I had to press a buzzer for every feed and a midwife/HCA would come and help me express into a syringe to feed to DS. I was kept in for a week whilst we were doing this as they said they couldn't let me go home syringe/cup feeding.

The bad latch led to my nipples shredding, and I was unable to BF, so I pumped round the clock, including through the night and bottle fed expressed milk.

After 2 weeks I was going doolally, and was admitted to a mother and baby unit for help with the feeding. DS still struggling to latch, one night the nurses checked on me at 2 am and again at 5am, and commented on how often he was feeding. Until I told them that it was still the same feed from 2am, I hadn't been to sleep, just trying to get DS to latch for 3 hours.

But, after about 6/7 weeks, it all worked out, and we were merrily bf away quite happily. Until my mental health took a rapid decline (diagnosed bipolar, off meds due to breast feeding) and I was readmitted to the mother and baby unit. I stayed in for 3 1/2 months, and was given no option but to be forcibly stopped from BF so I could go back onto medication - I became very unwell and I was told they would take the baby off me, section me and inject me that day if I didn't stop straightaway. The reason I had carried on so long was because since we had such a long, rough start, now that I had cracked BF, I didn't want to stop! I also thought it helped with bonding, kept me close to DS when I was ill etc.

I'm now 21 weeks pg. I've been told that I am not allowed to go through what happened again, and everyone, especially DH is expecting me to formula feed after the first week.


But despite everything, I still want to breast-feed. It upsets me when I hear friends and other mums who are perfectly able to bf, but choose not to, because I am desperate to be allowed to do it. (Not in a judgemental way, just seeing them take something for granted that means so much to me). When I struggle with my baby, when everything feels shit and awful and the world is exploding around me, those quiet few moments of skin to skin cuddles give me an inner peace. The oxytocin produced relieves me and calms me down and really make me feel close to my baby. Plus I'm so scatty brained that I can't picture myself coping with bottles and sterilising and remembering to take powders and hot water and spare bottles out.

So I know IABU, and DH will hate me for it, but I feel so sad that this world has been lost to me. It's something that I can do, that I have achieved, but other people are forbidding me from doing it.

[Hazchem]

RainbowSpiral I can't believe how thoughtless and inappropriate putting the poster up was.

[PansOnFire]

YANBU for grieving over the possibility of not being able to breastfeed, it's a struggle to come to terms with something that you've always thought was an integral part of having children. Breast feeding didn't work out for me, I just couldn't get to grips with it and that first bottle made me feel like a failure. I'm not even sure why because my DS did so much better on formula, it's not been something I think about now at ll.

Please don't worry about the lack of bonding, feeding my DS was an amazing experience with both bottle and breast I honestly didn't feel that there was a difference in the bonding process. It's the snuggles that make all the difference and bottle feeding does not take away from this. I worried about the bonding too but it didn't affect it, then I worried about the lack of bonding once we started using a cup instead of a bottle, again, this hasn't made a difference.

You have to look after yourself, don't get hung up on something which is a non issue. You do the best for baby and yourself and the most important thing here is that you are well enough to look after your children.