ABIU to be seriously concerned for my daughter?

[WeAreTheOthers]

My DD turns 15 this June and I've recently become incredibly worried about her. She's always been a little chubby but has always acted as though she doesn't care about her weight. However when I checked her emails recently (I do every so often to make sure she hasn't run into any creeps, you know what it's like on the internet) I see that's she's been talking to her friend about attempting to lose weight without my knowledge. When I confronted her about it she refused to answer me, instead opting to berate me for invading her privacy. I believe she has changed email addresses now as that account has not been active for around a week but she refuses to tell me her new address. I logged on to her old address yesterday and it seems that just before she changed accounts she told her friend that she's probably only gaining weight, and wants to be able to see her ribs clearly.
In addition to this I recently found that she has gone through 3 razor blades in 3 months, and the last time she took a shower I found a small smear of blood on the edge of the tub, as well as several missing plasters. It wasn't menstrual blood as she finished her period two weeks earlier and is very regular. She wears short sleeves most of the time but never anything shorter than knee length, even in summer. She claims she doesn't have the thighs for it but I think she may be cutting her upper legs. DD is smart and if she were to cut I think it would be an area she could cover without arousing suspicion. I've also been watching her closely and she seems to give up easier than before, she used to be a fighter but it now it she seems almost resigned even though in public she still acts with the same 'f*ck you' attitude.
My mother thinks that DD is just going through puberty and is attention seeking but I am have serious concerns which DH shares. ABIU to be so worried about her? Or am I being stupid for not trusting my gut instinct and taking her to the doctor's office?

[DamnBamboo]

Why would you think that recording your daughters period dates is the sensible thing to do?

Just why?

[WeAreTheOthers]

@DamnBamboo
You're very likely right, knowing her sense of humour she may very well have been joking about it. You can never really tell with her.

I'm not sure if she IS overweight, she's nudging 5'7'' and last time she was weighed she was approximately 160lb so probably a bit overweight but she is very muscular so I genuinely don't know. As for starving herself, I don't know as I only see her eating her evening meal but I wouldn't put it past her and her group of friends are very loyal about not telling anyone what they said to each other. And again, it's almost impossible to tell when she's losing weight because she wears very baggy clothes anyway and she always has a bit of a flabby stomach. She had food poisoning and flu within two months of each other a few years back, she'd lost 30lb and I couldn't see a difference. I only knew because she went for a check up at the doctors.

Asking nicely very rarely works with her, her temper's on a hair trigger and she naturally assumes you're asking something to hurt her. I suppose I haven't really helped that by prying so I've probably only got myself to blame.

I know how often she shaves because she always shaves on a Thursday before going swimming with her friends, she makes a big-ish deal out of it and always leaves her shaving cream on the side and her razor out(in case you're wondering how I know that she says something to the effect of 'no mom, I can't shave my legs tonight because I shave them on Thursdays and it'll make my skin sore', 'mom, you know I always shave on Thursdays and wash my hair on Mondays', 'mom for god's sake I can't wash my hair today, I wash it on Monday and it'll get dried out!' she has my OCD I'm sure) . And I know how many uses per blade because A. I buy the things and B. if I say to her 'change your blades you'll irritate your skin' she says (and I'm afraid I must paraphrase here because I don't remember every version and even if I did there would be too many to put here) 'mom, I've only used it five times. You use a razor blade 10 times minimum before you throw it away. Money doesn't go far these days.)

I don't think it's overbearing to want to look out for my daughter. I probably am paranoid and going about this in completely the wrong manner but I don't know how else to keep an eye on her seeing as she won't talk to any of the family, her friends won't tell me anything unless she says something first and in terms of intelligence and foresight she runs rings around both me and her dad. I've had friends who self harm and I lost my sister to suicide, hopefully you understand that I don't ever want my daughter to be in the position. I know this is a bad way to go about keeping an eye on my daughter but I just have no idea how else to do it.

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

So you tell her when to wash her hair, shave her legs and change the blade? Crikey, you wouldn't last long with my two!

[ACatCalledColin]

If she's going swimming (albeit with her friends) then I doubt she's cutting her thighs as those would be visible when swimming and other people would see them.

[DamnBamboo]

Ah OP.
You do sound like a very caring mother, there's no doubt about that.
I think the earlier suggestion of just 'hanging out' with her, if she'll do that, is a good one.
It just sounds like it'll take some time to rebuild a little trust perhaps.

[FengMa]

OP, I'd start with an apology for checking her email if it wasn't part of a pre-arranged deal for computer access etc and then explain (a) why you checked, (b) calmly explain why you were worried by what you saw.

She might like to hear that you'll stop snooping but that your door is open for anything at all she wants to talk about. I'd probably not mention the razors, but say that you've noticed that she seems low/subdued and would love to help. Perhaps offer a punishment amnesty so that she knows she won't be in trouble for whatever she says.

You know your daughter better than anyone and you should trust your gut about her low mood. Maybe some bonding treats together away from the house (her choice) might help make her feel extra secure in confiding if there is something or cheer her up if she's just a bit blue after all. Even if grandma is right that she's attention-seeking, it'd seem she fancies some attention. Why not give it to her? Can't hurt. It'd give you the chance to guide her sensibly through the weight loss minefield and influence without spying.

I say this as I think I probably exhibited similar behaviour but all remained secret. I got better at hiding it and just lived under the stroppy teenager banner when I could have really done with some grown up help. Being 15 sucks hard, remember, esp if you are uncomfortable about your body.

[Nocomet]

I don't check DD1(16) emails deliberately, although odd ones still bounce about the system and appear in my or DHs machine.

She isn't bothered, she face times her BFF.

As for everything else, since she wanders about in a bra and knickers and shares packets of razors, tampons and towels with me and her sister (that way I pay for them) and I still rummage round her room looking for washing, music folders, lost school lunch cards and generally trying to sort her chaos.

I don't get teens and privacy, I discussed everything with my DM and she would have been flabbergasted at the idea she wasn't allowed to come in an clean my room.

She knew exactly what contraception I used aged 20 when I met DH. She's just an old fashioned SAHM, cooking, cleaning, washing and quietly looking out for everyone is just what she did.

Consequently I'm much the same. I don't get this, suddenly at 13,14,15 you stop parenting your DCs attitude. I find it very very odd.

[thebodydoestricks]

Re periods because we are all crap at remembering when we are due so record it in the diary

I have 4 kids, 2 teens and 2 older. My periods are all over the place and so were dd4s. Recording gives us all a pre heads up.

They ask me too. We are perfectly normal I assure you!

[ACatCalledColin]

My mum used to record my periods for me when I first started. I started when I was 10 and wouldn't have done it myself so she did it for me. That did stop after a couple of years though and I was doing it myself by the time I was 15.

[thebodydoestricks]

necomet thank God I thought I was mad.

My dd 15 and I went to the GPs together about chat about the pill as her periods are so crap.

We are close. I too tidy her room. She and all my kids are close.

That's why I suggested actually talking to her dd. woman to woman.

[WeAreTheOthers]

@DamnBamboo
She doesn't like to spend too much time with me, though I was never close to my parents either so perhaps she's inherited that. She's got a good group of friends around her though, very tight-nit and loyal to each other, and there are a couple of teachers that she's very close to so I hope that if she does feel that she needs help she'd go to one of them. She's a sensible girl. We do both like Sherlock (the version with Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman is her favourite, though I must say I prefer the Jeremy Bret ones...) so perhaps we could watch that together one day. And she writes a lot of fanfiction, maybe I could do some research on that so I can actually have a discussion with her next time she brings it up.
Would that be helpful? Or at least would it be a start?

[thebodydoestricks]

usual agree with the snooping and my remark was a tad jokey.

Think the op is getting a rough ride though. It's perfectly normal to worry about teens. You just have to keep it in proportion.

[DamnBamboo]

I think it's a great idea weare
All you can do is try.
She may well say no the first time, possibly the second, third and so on.
But if you remain calm and say no problem, maybe another time, she'll come round.
Perseverance is the key and eventually she'll realise that you're not trying to be nosey and that you just want to spend some quality time with her.
Good luck

[ThePigOfHappiness]

God you sound bonkers. How controlling.
I buy things in my house, it doesn't mean I'm monitoring who uses what.
This all sounds mad. Are you in us?

[DamnBamboo]

I don't think giving your teenagers some privacy means you stop parenting them. Good parenting means letting them become their own person.

My DCs tell me most things because I never felt the need to control them or snoop.

They knew they could come to me and tell me stuff, even if it was not 'good' stuff. They knew I was always on their side

^
This

[thebodydoestricks]

Op you sound a lovely mum and I think your suggestions are very sensible.

Sometimes it's a little rootlet that's all you need to make a connection.

I learned the offside rule for ds2, no mother could do more.

[WeAreTheOthers]

@DamnBamboo
Thank you, for persevering with me as much as anything else :)
By the way, you're nickname is awesome (not sure why I chose 'WeAreTheOthers' for my nickname, I can't stand the song...)

[ouryve]

I'm slightly overweight at the moment and can still see my ribs. It's not such an extreme ambition.

And I've had my worst shaving cuts inflicted by blunt razors. I use disposables and more than two uses and I'm ripping myself to shreds.

[Cocolepew]

I record both my dds periods , mainly do I know when to expect pmt.

I think the op is getting a raw deal

[NurseyWursey]

Recording periods that aren't your own is just

[friedgreentomatoes88]

People record their own periods?

[GertyD]

OP, I am with you on this one, in so far as worrying and reading/checking emails. All these 'how could you breach her privacy?' posts, IMHO, I see as a bit daft. 15 year olds are still kids, and do needs checking up on. Social Media has opened up a whole new playing field. It is dangerous, and they - the 15 year old kids- will often, not always, but often make mistakes that can't be ignored in the vain hope of some Dawsons Creek 'they'll find their way and grow out of it' solution will be found.

I check my 15 year olds stuff. I stay quiet about 99 per cent of it, as am scared he will go underground, other stuff, you can't be silent about.

The razor stuff, could be something or nothing and needs tactful monitoring. The weight issue will always be a toughy. But I know kids say stuff to their mates that is rubbish and they don't ever mean.