My DD turns 15 this June and I've recently become incredibly worried about her. She's always been a little chubby but has always acted as though she doesn't care about her weight. However when I checked her emails recently (I do every so often to make sure she hasn't run into any creeps, you know what it's like on the internet) I see that's she's been talking to her friend about attempting to lose weight without my knowledge. When I confronted her about it she refused to answer me, instead opting to berate me for invading her privacy. I believe she has changed email addresses now as that account has not been active for around a week but she refuses to tell me her new address. I logged on to her old address yesterday and it seems that just before she changed accounts she told her friend that she's probably only gaining weight, and wants to be able to see her ribs clearly.
In addition to this I recently found that she has gone through 3 razor blades in 3 months, and the last time she took a shower I found a small smear of blood on the edge of the tub, as well as several missing plasters. It wasn't menstrual blood as she finished her period two weeks earlier and is very regular. She wears short sleeves most of the time but never anything shorter than knee length, even in summer. She claims she doesn't have the thighs for it but I think she may be cutting her upper legs. DD is smart and if she were to cut I think it would be an area she could cover without arousing suspicion. I've also been watching her closely and she seems to give up easier than before, she used to be a fighter but it now it she seems almost resigned even though in public she still acts with the same 'f*ck you' attitude.
My mother thinks that DD is just going through puberty and is attention seeking but I am have serious concerns which DH shares. ABIU to be so worried about her? Or am I being stupid for not trusting my gut instinct and taking her to the doctor's office?
AIBU?
ABIU to be seriously concerned for my daughter?
WeAreTheOthers · 22/04/2014 20:32
I don't think being aware of DDs periods is odd. Keeping track is a tad far but my mum always knew when mine were coming. She was excessively controlling.
I pissed her off one Saturday and she collected me from my friends with a spare pair of trousers and a top ready to take me to my dads. She said to me just before I got out of the car (so that there was no way I could go to Tesco with her) 'oh your period will probably start this weekend' I panicked but thought it would be ok. It bloody did and it went on the outside if my trousers and I had to go with my dad to buy tampons but I was too nervous to actually tell him so I acted all strange and bought loads of other toiletries and hid them within the bag. I was quite young. I think he thought I was secretly buying crack or something...
My mum also read my diary which was very graphic about my recent sexual experiences and talked about who I'd slept with and what else I'd done. I was almost 17 then. She couldn't look at me for weeks. She certainly didn't apologise.
You can turn this all around op, don't worry 
I don't think you are being unreasonable to be concerned, but I do think you have gone about things in entirely the wrong way!!! I totally understand you checking her emails and I will do the same with my kids at that age, but to tell her that's how you found out?? Big mistake, huge classic rookie mistake - what we're you thinking?? Of course she was going to freak that you invaded her privacy! And on top of that will feel humiliated that you read her private thoughts, her confidence will have taken a knock from that pushing her to cut more if that's what she's doing, and to clam up even more so you'll get even less out of her! You said she's a bit chubby, well all 15 year old girls have puppy fat, but if she is overweight and you found out she felt like that you should have gone on a mission to change all your lifestyles together in a healthy way, join a gym together or regular swimming or running, do it as a get fit thing rather than a lose weight thing but at least then you can watch her and control it more. I'm not sure what you expect a GP to do - pump her full of anti depressants as a quick fix or stick her on the year long NHS waiting list for 6 sessions of counselling??? You confronted her, it was an ambush, an attack, she's not going to be more willing to come forward and talk after that! You need to apologise to her, properly, heartfelt and with no agenda. No sorry BUT I was worried. Just sorry, admit you were wrong, promise to never do it again (and get caught!) and acknowledge how it made her feel. Then you have to work on getting her trust back, not obviously, but take her on a mother daughter spa treat or something, or even just a lunch. Hopefully, in time, she'll start talking to you. Maybe grotty kids at school have said something, maybe a boy she likes is dating a skinny girl, the F U attitude is always just a cover and always from the most insecure people deep down. Re the cutting I would try and catch her out "accidentally" when she's changing or something, ask the PE teacher at school if they have seen anything, the spa day or swimming would force her to show some flesh in front of you. For the record I have been shaving my legs for 23 years and not once managed to do it without cutting myself somehow! She could genuinely be worried about her thighs, but even if it is cutting don't panic! It's not nice for your child to be doing that to themselves but as a previous cutter it does serve a purpose and does not automatically mean they are going to progress to slashing wrists! Cutting is a way to release pain, when emotional turmoil is so extreme you can't cope anymore a cut focuses you, stops the pain, calms everything and gets you back on track. She needs to learn other ways to deal with panic and hysteria, try mindfulness, meditation, yoga, again a spa day might have introductions to this and it could be something you do together. If she is cutting obviously she needs to sort out what is causing that pain, and private counselling, though expensive, would be best for that. But it has to be at her pace with her agreement in a way that supports her and builds her confidence, you can't force her with this, she'll just dig her heels in more and be more resilient. Please don't panic, it could be something, it could be nothing, but I think you need to calm it down and back off and bit initially, slowly slowly catchy monkey. Let her feel safe and in control, let her come to you (or your DH or a favourite aunt or grandmother) and then face things with her together. I never cared about my weight really but I did have an "I'm so fat" phase to keep up with every single other girl in the class who was saying that. 
Ludicrous really.
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