To be upset that my sister told my baby to 'get lost'?

[MetalLaLa]

Me, my DH and our nine month old DD live a good hour away from my side of the family, so we only visit around once a month with the occasional visit from them to our area. For Easter Sunday, my family invited us to lunch for the day, so we went and generally had a nice day, except for my sisters increasingly spiteful and odd behaviour to me and our DD. Our DD is going through a growth spurt and as such is having longer and more frequent naps in the day, and we decided to leave yesterday around 6.30 in order to get home at a reasonable time. My sister doesn't have any children of her own, and is always quite forceful with picking up my DD and then complaining at us if she starts to cry or doesn't want to play with her, which usually we just explain that it's what babies sometimes do etc. however, yesterday at one point she our DD started to REALLY go for it at one point when my sister was holding her as she was tired, my DH asked politely if she could hand her to him so he could go put her down, and she said 'no, she's MY baby, my baby' but she did relent when she saw that DD wouldn't stop crying until one of us had her (which did happen). My point is that just before we left, we were doing goodbyes and DD was getting goodbye kisses and quick cuddles from people, but when my sister held her, she started to cry, gave her back to me but then took her back, DD cried even harder and this led to my sister shouting, 'oh get lost then you weird little thing!'. I tried not to cry (as pathetic as that sounds) my parents, and my sisters DP just looked completely shocked at what she said with lots of 'you can't say that to a baby, that's horrible' but with no apology from my sister. Afterwards, I told my DH what had happened as he was putting things away in the car at the time and he told me he was glad he wasn't in the room at the time or things would have been said. Sorry for the long ramble, but was I right to feel (and still feel) upset at what my sister did and her possessive behaviour towards our DD? Should I say something to her to let her know she needs to apologise to us?

[MetalLaLa]

MissMystic I think what you put about her feeling 'shown up' is spot on as earlier yesterday she actually did say 'oh god don't show me up!' When my DD was in her arms and started to cry. God I feel like im making my sister sound like an ogre but it's becoming a running joke in the family that DD will automatically cry if held by her. My DH is beginning to get really irked by her behaviour that he doesn't really speak to her so it feels like yesterday's comment is the tip of the iceberg

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

DS2 then threw up on her face

Admit it, you died laughing inside didnt ya?

[JonesRipley]

She sounds pretty immature for a 28 year old.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

It's a matter of DSis just not being used to infants and feeling judged by you, DH, her DP and/or parents. You have your new family, she may hear all the time how quickly you've taken to motherhood. She may have zerointerest in starting her own family but she might still prefer not to look quite as wrong-footed.

Yanbu to feel protective and I hope she gets a grip on herself in future. She probably wished she had an easy knack with her DN. As her DP was audibly unimpressed I suspect she'll act better next time.

[GatoradeMeBitch]

28??? From your OP I assumed she was in her early teens!

[daphnehoneybutt]

YANBu

I wouldnt let her lay a finger on your DD again until she apologises for her behaviour and acts like a normal person. I would have pulled her up on the my baby thing, fucking weird.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"she said 'no, she's MY baby, my baby' "
Seriously? Why the hell would she say that?

[MetalLaLa]

The 'my baby' business isn't a first time thing, she's done it in the past and we've either ignored it or just bluntly told her that she isn't her child, she is ours. The more I think about what happened yesterday, the more I'm beginning to wonder why I've put up with this crap for so long. They're talking of coming up in a fortnight to see us but I'm trying to put it off

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Meta, sorry but your sister sounds completely deranged to me. As in, completely beyond just jealous and resentful of her little sister. I'm not sure I'd want her around me at all, I can see why you want to put her visit off.

[MetalLaLa]

My DH did say earlier if they do come up, he would rather it would be a time or day (like the weekend) when he can also be there. Never thought I'd end up needing my husband as back up to a family visit but I can't be the first and won't be the last Got a lot to think about!

[DoItTooJulia]

Metal, you need to be assertive. Don't put her off. Tell her her straight. Don't be confrontational, but if it leads to confrontation just stand your ground.

I wouldn't like that one bit, my ds2 could be like that around my sister and she was just upset and wanted to be able to cuddle and settle him, not say weird and inappropriate things.

[RedandChecker]

YANBU to be upset and I'm surprised you kept quiet.
When DS was 9months old we took him to a birthday party of my DPs best friends DD.

After the party I was told by SIL that DPs best friend said he hated our DS for upsetting his DD on her birthday by crawling over her legs

I cut contact and told DP me and DS would never see his best friend again after best friend admitted to saying this.

This behaviour towards a baby is strange and uncalled for.
I hope she is more understanding and sympathetic to her own children if she has them in the future.

As she is your sister I understand you have to have a relationship with her so I would tell her how it made you feel like you wanted to cry. It also won't be long until your DD understands so this behaviour needs nipping in the bud.

[RabbitSaysWoof]

I would be at the time to hear someone say that to a baby. Shouting it was worse.
I bet she was embarrassed when your dd appeared not to like her, and I'd assume it came from that.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

If she and DP visit you will be on your 'home turf' so any repetition give her both barrels. DD is not a toy she is programmed to want you and her dad first and foremost. That doesn't make her demanding or naughty.

It is tough luck on Aunty if she cried when being handed to DSis. One friend had a DS who as a bouncing baby 90% of the time when passed to me always filled his nappy. It became a standing joke. He was just a baby so I didn't take it personally!

[gilliangoof]

Your baby will not have understood a word she said.

[BlackeyedSusan]

babies may not necessarily understand words, but she would have understood the tone.

I would not let your sister hold your dd again as your dd is clearly uncomfortable with this. sister needs to build up a relationship carefully at your dd's pace.

[sykadelic]

Sounds like she was trying to "save face" because the baby embarrassed her. Trying to show that she doesn't really care, when in fact it really hurts her that the baby "hates her".

It's kind of sad really. Seems like she's pretty jealous of you. Sounds like she wants to baby to like her and wants to be a mother herself, and as it appeared you said her DP was there, perhaps show him how they should have one too, but the baby crying ruined it.

On the one hand I think you need to be more understanding and help her try and settle the baby (rather than taking the baby off her) and on the other I think she needs to be less defensive and definitely less reactive.

[AlpacaLypse]

Your sister sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant selfish brat.

[LithaR]

I can see this from the other point of view. I am an older sister and my younger sister had a baby first. I did lots for him until he got to an age where he was as rude to me as my sister. I felt a bit betrayed that my sister didn't want me to have any relationship with my nephew. Then i got pregnant with my ds after two miscarriages and it helped ease my bitterness and resentment.

Is there a possibility your sister is struggling to conceive and see's your babies' distress as an affirmation that she'll not be a mum?

[snowqu33n]

I too feel a bit sorry for your sister. You have got married and had your baby and not only are you naturally getting the spotlight entirely on you when you return to visit the family, when you hand her the baby (which sounds like quite a lot) she isn't experienced and doesn't know what she is doing, and it makes her look like a bad potential parent in front of her partner and parents. She is clearly upset about this and it came out in what she said to your baby. Cut her some slack - it isn't easy being the one without a child. When she says 'My baby' she means she really wants a baby of her own reacting to her as the mum. Can't you give her something specific she can do for the baby, that the baby quite likes, and show her the way your baby likes you to do it? That way you might have a nice experience all 3 of you together that would be a happy memory and build bridges.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I'd look askance at a person who shouted "Oh get lost then you weird little thing!" at a puppy never mind a baby of 9 months old.

[MetalLaLa]

There is a HUGE backstory about my family and my sister that would need it's own book to cover, but we do try so hard to make her feel at ease (she has stayed over at ours a few times, we encourage her with DD) but there is a lot of resentment towards me as I have kind ofbroken free of my parents' grip and taken some risks with my life, whereas she hasn't and I think it's starting to bother her. I want to try to help her but it's difficult if she acts like she doesn't want it, and especially if she says something like she did to her own DN it makes me less inclined to try again