The whole school thing is not what I expected

[Chocolatecookies]

We are now into year 1 and I'm still feeling a bit let down by the whole primary school thing.

I thought it would be:
Lots of like minded parents
Lots of nice children
Nice walks to school, happy chats on the way home
Play dates, parties
New friends made etc

In reality it's:
Lots of small town cliques who ignore you
Some really cross kids who's behaviour is a tad worrying
A death trap getting to and from school, loads of cars, grumpy child all the way home
Had one or two play dates but dc hasn't really found a special friend yet

Dc is doing ok, reading well, I like the staff. But I guess it's just not the 'dream' I thought it would be! I always smile and chat to anyone but its not easy.

End of term blues, reality or time to look for something else??

[HolidayCriminal]

Sadly OP's reality is mine. Fortunately I didn't start with high expectations.

[HairyGrotter]

I'm glad I have bigger dreams and ideals than your fantasy about school :-/

I have a life, a life that fulfils me, DD's school life is hers, not mine. She's likes it, I don't as I'm not overly keen on children or parents, but as it's DD that goes to school, my opinion doesn't really matter.

Still glad I have no expectations of school, what an odd thing to have

[Chocolatecookies]

Why it is wrong to have expectations of the school years? I base these on the positive experiences of others. The other parents and children do have an impact on my child's happiness.

[HighwayRat]

My expectation of school was for dd to be challenged, make friends and be inspired. This is whats happening, it isnt about me its about her. Join the pta and get involved

[saintlyjimjams]

I think it's true OP that you don't really know whether a school will suit your child until they start. I have 3 children in 3 different schools (across primary & secondary) & on the whole they're a good fit. I was very worried about ds2 moving to secondary last September as I wasn't sure the school was a good fit for him. However he took about 2 hours to settle in & loves it, I knew it was the right choice within the first week.

Ds1 moved school after his first 4 terms (do half way through year 1). The first school was a disaster for him. Again after the move I knew within a week we'd made the right choice.

You probably won't get a perfect school but you also should expect your children to be happy there & enthusiastic about going. That's how I judge my kids schools.

[Chocolatecookies]

saintlyjimjams thank you. I do feel bad as if I only had 1 Dc to consider I think I would 100% move now.......but my second dc is due to start in sep so I have major practical issues about getting a school 2 places.

[HolidayCriminal]

Sorry Chocolate, didn't at all mean you were wrong to have expectations.
My one disappointment is parties ( I know this is trivial). Somehow I thought dC would go to lots of parties & they most certainly haven't.

Small towns are claustrophobic places, though. think that's part of our problem.

[Chocolatecookies]

Same here, I think they tend to invite who parents like etc and if you are not in the group so to speak, they don't invite your child. They do however brag about it publicly and that must upset dc :(

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

Except for the tricky class, DD1 experience was similar for the first year at school. She was nervous of some of the children because they were naughty. She didn't play with some other children because she wasn't into what they were playing. She didn't have a special friend.
But gradually she found her way. By end of equivalent of your Y1 she had one good friend. End Y2 she had two additional good friends. She is 11 now, those girls are still friends (most of the time), but over the years she got to know and like all the other children.
Our school experience got better from end Yr 2, before that there hardly any play dates.

Does your DD have any hobbies? Are the children in the class involved in any hobbies that your DD might enjoy? My girls became friends with some classmates due to shared hobbies, gives them something in common which they might not have had before.

[balenciaga]

aww chocolate the parents at our school do that too

honestly its like some never LEFT the playground

sigh

also second maybe getting your dcs into out of school activities? just so theirs (and possinly yours) social life does not revolve solely around school

[Oblomov]

I find the monotony of life is trying to fit in reading, getting to school etc.
I never had the dream , you had.

[Oblomov]

Nearly everyone I know, in Reception, has grumpy kids. But our kids are happy and have made friends.

[Chocolatecookies]

Thank you for your comments.
Momof2 - sounds a very similar position. We do do an enormous amount of things outside of school and have lovely friends who our dc have grown up with.
I just find the playground so intimidating, some very vocal mums. The behaviour of some of the children is worrying. Has been quite an eye opener this year, their parents don't seem bothered but always have something to say about other children ;) it's just a funny atmosphere :(

[alistron1]

What goes on in the playground at school drop off/pick up has no bearing on what goes on in school. And I can tell you that as a primary school veteran of 13 years and 4 kids, plus as someone who has worked in a primary school for 5 years. If your kid is happy, settled, making progress then the external stuff is irrelevant.

[NoodleOodle]

I had similar feelings when my DC was younger. I didn't change schools as I didn't want to upset the status quo, thought the school was good as it was good in the league tables etc. I found out many years later that the lack of skippy happiness I saw was actually unhappiness, which DC felt they couldn't tell me about (I did ask, promise). So, knowing what I know now, I wish I'd looked into alternatives. You have to decide what's best for your child. Are they un-happy, or are they unhappy (if you see my distinction?) and is there a workable alternative where you could see your family being happier? I wouldn't stick with it just to not expose your child to change though, which was a fear of mine I wish I'd been brave enough to ignore.

[Balaboosta]

IME you can't expect dc to make close and lasting friendships till year 3 or above. Before that friendships and friendship groups are very fluid. It also took me till this year - year 2 so third year in school - to feel really at home in school playground etc. I say this to manage your expectations a bit.

[JaneinReading]

This is yet another reason women who work full time and avoid the school run win. Avoid it all and don't do the school runs. Get someone else to do them. It's much the better course.

[rowna]

I don't think they are unreasonable expectations. It's just a shame really it doesn't happen for everyone.

We are now in a position where we have people to go to the park with and things, but it's taken years. Year 3 was when it started to improve.

[Chocolatecookies]

I think I keep coming back to the worry that there is such an odd class this year, that I'm not sure who, even in time, DC will find. I know that sounds mad out of a class of 30 but it really is a strange year

[almondcake]

OP, my kids are teens now, but when DS was little, he was at a primary where he didn't get invited to parties, had few friends, there were various problens with the school etc. We moved him to a different school (a village one) and it did all turn out like the dream you describe. So much have I taken it for granted for the ten years my kids were there, that it was not until I read your OP that I remembered that not all schools are like that.

If you can find a better school, move your child.

[Chocolatecookies]

Almond cake - thank you. Did he take long to settle? Was be happy to go?

[RunnerBeen]

I'm stupidly worried about DS starting school and leaving our little bubble.

we are actually lucky to have a very good school with mostly nice children and families. I think as long as your DS seems happy about school and is learning well that's all you can hope for. I didn't think boys really made "special friends" in the same way girls did. As for his grumpiness on the way home, i'd probably put that down to being tired after a long day, or maybe even a bit of pent up frustration being let out after having to sit in a classroom all day- i know my DS is always grumpier when something dofferent at nursery calls for him to sitstill and be more restricted.

School is a massive life change and i'm not surprised it takes some children a while to adjust, especially when they start getting into the swing of it and then there's suddenly a two week holiday flung in and they get used to being at home again.

if yiu're really worried, speak to the teacher and make sure they are haply that he is making friends and progressing well, i'm sure they can put your mind at ease.

[PolyesterBride]

I don't think your concerns are silly or invalid. I think it's perfectly reasonable to want your child to go to a nice school with nice people and make nice friends. If I were you, I would make enquiries with the local authority just to see what is available. Even if you have to do it in the first week if the next school year, the disruption would soon be forgotten.

I have had similar feelings to you because we live in a place where everyone grew up here and we are outsiders. We don't have any playdates because we are not in the group. But it is a nice school in a nice area and I am sure my DC is happy there. However, if I thought id be able to get the "lovely school experience" somewhere else, I'd go for it.

[TheBuskersDog]

If you do decide to change school you may be lucky and find a place in year 1 for your eldest child for next year, your biggest problem is you have a child due to start school in September and all the places will be allocated for that year group.