to encourage dd to play as nicely with her sibling as her friends?

[PuffyPigeon]

Dd is 7, her sister is almost 2. Dd1 has always shared and played nicely with other children, she's always taken turns and been polite, usually being over generous or kind so people like her.

However, with dd2 she's the opposite. Dd2 adores her and went running into her room this morning, saying hello to her only for dd1 to snap: 'don't even think about getting in my bed.' Dd2 and I turned to get ready, dd1 ignored dd2 when she asked if she was coming. Dd2 was playing with teddies when dd1 came in and started whinging that dd2 had one of hers. It was a teddy I'd found at the bottom of a toy box that dd1 has ignored for at least a year. She pretended to play with dd2 then slowly sat on said teddy and sneaked it into her pyjama top so she could hide it from dd2.

Dd2 started crying because she couldn't find it and dd1 pretended she was clueless. It sounds petty but it's constant little things that build up. Sometimes she's great and if dd2 asks for something she's got she finds her something else she'd like instead rather than just saying no. But then other times I'll be getting dd2 dressed and dd1 will whinge that I never help her but always dd2. I do give dd1 one on one time but find her meanness to dd2 hard to see.

I was discussing it with a friend and said I'd reward kindness but punish meanness in dd from now on as I believe she's capable of playing nicely with dd2 if she can play nicely with friends of all ages. My friend said I'm being unrealistic and should just get used to this as it's what siblings are like. Aibu to think that's unacceptable?

[newsecretidentity]

OP, I feel much the same as you do. My DD's are 6 and 4, and I have no patience with them being rude or spiteful to each other.

It makes me sad when I see other siblings so excited to see each other afterschool, and being so sweet when mine really struggle to be halfway decent to each other. But things have started to improve between them this year.

For a start, like you said in your thread title, I expect each DD to play as nicely with her sister as with her friends. Niceness begins at home, so if one of them can't be nice at home then they can forget about their social activities until they've made amends.

If they have one-to-one time with me, I've always made a point of encouraging them to make a thoughtful gesture for the sister who isn't there, by choosing a special treat or something. Over time they've come to really enjoy it, and get really excited about choosing something to make their sister happy.

And ultimately it does come down to "bribery" in the form of reward charts. Each daughter has her own reward chart with various tasks that she is currently working on. (They have to fill the whole chart with ticks to win a trip to Build-a-Bear) And each of their charts has a row devoted to "doing something nice for your sister", so if they don't make an effort they can't fill up their chart.

Moreover, if they do something nasty then they have a sad face added to the bottom of the chart, which they must work off before the chart is completed.

The crazy thing is that it's worked. I've seen them spontaneously share stuff that they really love, and spend time giggling, tickling, dancing and playing just like they do with their friends. So while it's been a PITA, it is sooooooo worth the effort.

[2rebecca]

I think not letting your children have personal belongings but being forced to share them is sad for them. I'm not forced to share my stuff and have to "take turns" it is a thing adults only force children to do. This is one of the things children brought up in communes where personal possessions aren't allowed most resented.
It's nice to let other people have a go of something occasionally, but on the whole if you buy something for a child then they should have as much say in who gets to use it as if you buy something for an adult.
Also younger kids are far more interested in playing with older kids' stuff than older kids are at playing with little kids' stuff.
Children should be able to play games together with other children without snatching, but that's different to always having to take turns if ever another child wants what you have.

[PuffyPigeon]

2rebecca I'm not saying they should be forced to share. I'm saying that should be encouraged to realise that sharing is kind and will be rewarded with sharing in return, while hoarding and hiding things is selfish. As an adult I would share pretty much anything if someone asked politely, surely that's more normal than never letting anyone touch your personal belongings? What if I buy a tea set for younger dd - should I segregate it so pink cups are for one dd and blue are for the other? Or tell dd1 she can't play because it belongs to dd2? Hardly. It's actually dd1 who plays with things that technically belong to dd2 more so which is why it irks me that she then cannot share her things in return.

[MexicanSpringtime]

The problem PuffyPigeon is that you are seeing everything very logically, however emotions have a way of throwing logic out the window. Your little girls are only small and only learning, the idea is to find the way to encourage your older daughter to do the right thing, rather than to find the way to condemn or punish her for not yet being able to control her emotions.
I think everyone agrees with your aims, just wondering if there is a better way of acheiving them than by mere punishment and if punishment might not be counterproductive

[Marylou62]

When I first read this my first thought was jealousy. All the replies are right when they say that it can be normal sibling behaviour but in your first paragraph you say that she is aware enough to play nice to get people to like her. I would work on this. I was a nanny who was very very close to my charges, 2 girls with a 4 year age gap and there from the birth of C2. C1 was the darling of her mums social circle until cute C2 came along!! C1 could be very mean and didn't even like her sister touching her. She often pushed her away from her and when asked why she was so mean she just said that C2 was 'annoying'. I had a cuddly chat with C1 (when she was 7) and told her that people were starting to notice how horrible she was to her cute little sister and that lots of her mummys friends couldn't understand why. I also said that one day she would hurt her sister in front of people and that she would be very embarrassed when her mummys friends saw it. That seemed to work. They get along better now. I must add that another friend had 2 girls 3 years apart who fought like cat n dog! They are so close now and it's lovely. And with my 3, any toys belonging to any child that was fought over, I just took it away! No conversation, just walked over and took it. And I must say that in all my 30+ years of childcare, as a child nurse/nanny etc, the siblings that were close and supportive of each other where ones who had gone through stressful things in their family. A nasty divorce and the death of a sibling/parent. Good luck and as my mum would say. 'this too shall pass'!

[mrsjay]

you have the same age gap i have between my dds and they were the same by the time dd2 got to about 2 dd1 thought ay up this little thing is here to stay and i dont want her touching my toys or whatever they get on great now all i did was ask dd1 to play with her sister for a little while and did it gradually it will work out being mean and nasty was not tolerated