AIBU to ask for a good phrase to deal with PIL...

[Jewels234]

The PIL are visiting next week, and we are cooking them dinner. They have opinions on everything. Especially at the moment as we are planning our wedding (not paid by them, not an issue at all and I certainly don't expect them to but don't want to drip feed).

They don't like the photographer, the caterer, the church, the religion that we are getting married under, our flat, our rent, the share price of my employer, the dresses I am considering, me being vegetarian, where we go on holiday, us running, the fact that we are considering buying a house, a buffet starter at the wedding, the wine I buy, the food I cook...you get the picture!

I need a good phrase to deal with this, or I may explode over dinner/run to the kitchen in tears (it has happened before!).

[ThreeBeeOneGee]

I would tell an anecdote about a couple you know where the in-laws kept criticising and being negative. End the story with "Eventually the couple cut off all contact with them and never regretted it."

[rabbitlady]

"oh? really? goodness."

[Delphiniumsblue]

The problem is that DP isn't going to cut them off, he hasn't stood up to them yet and will even let them open his post!
OP needs to establish that she will be ignoring and not letting it get to her.

[ThreeBeeOneGee]

Or...
"OK. We weren't actually asking for your input."

[Delphiniumsblue]

An ambiguous word like 'really' is the answer, you can't argue with someone who won't get involved.

[ThreeBeeOneGee]

"It might be easier if you tell us what you do like about our wedding plans."

[ToAvoidConversation]

My MIL disagrees with lots of my opinions and choices but is the master at 'of course we all do things differently','interesting' and 'that's your choice' and all said with a smile. I think she struggles with her own PIL so is well practiced at not annoying us. I just use those!

Also 'I'll think about that' and 'thanks for our opinion/thoughts'.

Also preface things with a positive attitude..."MIL I know you are simply going to love our flowers, I was just saying to DH that I couldn't wait to tell you all about it...". Then if she disagrees she's just an arse!

[Delphiniumsblue]

'We weren't asking for your input' gives them a way in to argue why you need it. 'Really' and change of subject blocks it. If they try to get in with that you can just say, blandly 'yes, I heard you' and change the subject. If they get back to it add another 'really'.

[Delphiniumsblue]

'Tell us what you do like' also gives her a way in. It is the ways in that you want to block. ToAvoidConversation has the ideal 'blockers'.

[youarewinning]

"Well I thought about everything you've said and decided your right. So we are eloping to Las Vegas to get married and buying a house in as the prices are soooooooo much better"

You plans will seem like amazing ideas after this

[Delphiniumsblue]

You really can't argue with someone who is pleasant, smiling, non committal and appears to miss the point, and is very effective in never getting the point!

[drivingmisslazy]

ahh my in laws do this about certain things. I have said "well I like it and your son likes it, I can not believe how different you are to your son"

That was the early days, now they behave themselves a lot more.

[ethelb]

I would be cautious about 'ignoring' people. In mn fantasy land this apparently causes people to drop a topic they are deeply emotionally invested in.

In the real world they know exactly what you are doing and will get hostile/defensive/demand justification for your behaviour.

I suggest speaking to your dp about what he plans and if it isnt satisfactory dont see them.

[EverythingCounts]

' Well, it'd be a dull world if we were all the same!'

[Delphiniumsblue]

It worked for me and I even got respected for it, all without a cross word. I just did my own thing.

[thegreylady]

I had an aunt like this. She had an opinion on anything and everything and never held back. The worst was when she objected to my son having a black godmother as 'it isn't nice' . I told her she didn't have to worry about that as she was no longer welcome at the christening and in fact we didn't see her again till my dad's funeral years later. Before that we used to deal with her by saying,"Never mind you don't have to...eat it, go there, wear it..." Whatever it was we said 'Never mind". We called her and her dh Gloom and Doom they were a miserable pair.

[MimiSunshine]

OP a word of warning on the credit card bill. Unless your DP gets his address changed and the bills coming to your rented house (along with anything else that may not get post but still registered to him at his parents house) you may struggle to get a mortgage.

Happened to a friend, they sold, moved home then into rented. As the rented house was a short term solution they left some (not all) of their bills at their parents house (no idea why).
When it came to getting a new mortgage (they'd had one before) their records were all over the place and it looked dodgy so were refused.
They sorted it in the end but it meant a bigger deposit and higher APR and in the mean time they nearly lost the house they offered on.

Make sure you're both doing everything you can to look good to a lender (elec roll etc) and bills registered correctly, especially important with a credit product.

[EssenceOfGelfling]

"Oh dear, would you like to go lie down on the sofa and have a cry about it?"

I say this quite often to my daughter when she's grumbling about something. She is 2 though.

[ivanapoo]

"Yes, I wouldn't expect us to have the same taste/view/opinion on that." Followed by knowing look / smirk.

[RiverTam]

oh dear, I have to say that I agree it's your DP/H to be that's the real problem here and tbh I wouldn't even contemplate having DC with him until he gets his head out of the sand and deals with them. He needs to grow up and sort his life out!