AIBU to ask for a good phrase to deal with PIL...

[Jewels234]

The PIL are visiting next week, and we are cooking them dinner. They have opinions on everything. Especially at the moment as we are planning our wedding (not paid by them, not an issue at all and I certainly don't expect them to but don't want to drip feed).

They don't like the photographer, the caterer, the church, the religion that we are getting married under, our flat, our rent, the share price of my employer, the dresses I am considering, me being vegetarian, where we go on holiday, us running, the fact that we are considering buying a house, a buffet starter at the wedding, the wine I buy, the food I cook...you get the picture!

I need a good phrase to deal with this, or I may explode over dinner/run to the kitchen in tears (it has happened before!).

[Ohwhatfuckeryisthis]

Just going to say similar to jack-shame it's not your fucking life then. More gin?

[Rosieliveson]

I find a 'I'm not so sure about that' or 'mmmm, that's an interesting idea' or 'perhaps, but that's not really my/our thing' pacifies the PIL quite well and allows conversation to continue without awkward silences.

I often get a 'so you didn't like x idea/suggestion' at a later date but I just smile and say 'we decided on something else/this etc'

Works a charm

[chicaguapa]

Just say what DH says to his students: "Thank you for your opinion." Then walk away (or in your case, change the subject.)

Possible subjects:

Where's the plane?
What's happening in the Ukraine?
And if you really want to distract them, the General Election next year.

[EBearhug]

would you feel better able to cope if you had a bingo card hidden in the kitchen with their most-used phrases on?

Or on a BIG chart up on the wall.

(No, I wouldn't have the nerve to do that in real life.)

[Blondie1984]

my favourite phrase for times like that is "i'm sorry you feel that way" - and put the emphasis on the "you"

[Jewels234]

Love these suggestions! And makes me feel a million times better that it's not just me that has this issue.

They are so controlling. I'm so nervous about one day having children and their involvement. For example, they open and read my DP's post (including credit card statements). Long story about why he hasn't rerouted his post, and he has nothing to hide and is v relaxed so it doesn't seem to bother him. It drives me nuts!

[WhoNickedMyName]

"Wow - what a fabulous idea... not for us though... hey, you really should consider renewing your vows so you can do it your way"...

say it every single time they make a negative comment about your wedding, in the most ridiculous gushing over the top manner.

[ArtisanScotchEgg]

I'd be tempted to do the smile and nod, "really?" and a few "oh well"

Would/will they take your non-committals as you agreeing with them? Are they just complaining or do they actually want you to change your plans?

[cozietoesie]

I changed my mind. Flirt outrageously with them. Both of them. OTT compliments and chucking flowers across the table etc.

(Famous advice on how to deal with bores - decrease the distance between you and not increase it. Get inside their social body envelope.)

They might think you're slightly unhinged but I guess that won't bother you?

[LouSend]

I tend to pause, say "Really? You'd do it that way? Really?"

Then, in silence, I do (what I hope is) a surprised, contemplative face and then say nothing.

It usually does the trick and the best thing is they have no idea if I think the idea is so stupid I've been stunned into silence or if I'm actually considering it.

[mameulah]

If they opened your post and you are still talking to them then you have more tolerance than I can ever imagine having and don't have to worry about not coping with them over dinner.

I can't believe they opened your post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Shockers]

Get them talking about themselves. If they mention... flowers for instance, say, Oooh, what did you have? How fabulous! Food... Can you remember your wedding breakfast PILs? Oooh... sounds lovely!

And so on....

[Madmartigan]

Such apity I laughed out loud at some of these. I then read them toDH so cannot use them on his parents, or not in front of him anyway. I'm playing bingo with SIL st the next big gathering, though.

[Pinkcustardpurplecustard]

Don't tell them anything about anything. If they have no information, there's less for them to pick at. Aim to be quiet ish and make small talk only

[justmuddlingalong]

'Would you like to borrow my phone, to call someone who gives a shit?' I use this quite frequently.

[BornFreeButinChains]

id come head on, " wow do you realise you have just expressed negative comments six times in the past half hour, did you realise that, I hope you don't mind me pointing it out...sometimes people don't realise when they are being negative all the time, and obviously its not good to hear such negativity...we are really excited about our plans but laying them before you makes us feel miserable"

[cozietoesie]

What I do in real life is to have an incredibly fussy menu which requires me to spend most of my time 'fiddling with something' in the kitchen with a bottle of gin close by. Difficult guests pretty well think of me as 'the help' I guess.

[zipzap]

You could try throwing an insult back each time - mirroring their attitude back to them. So if they don't like your cooking point out how much better it is than their cooking. Or if they don't like the wine then say that at least it is better than the dreadful stuff they like that is designed to appeal to old fogeys with no taste. Or f they don't like the religion you've chosen then just say that you're not hypocritical enough to get married in their religion as you can't bear it's failings - insert list here, all religions have some failings you can point out. Or your holiday - just pick holes about their most recent or upcoming destination and say that you can't believe that they want to go there when there are sonmany other nicer places in the world.

Probably wouldn't go down very well if you did it in reality but nice to dream about doing and come up with some good retorts for the usual things they criticise you for just in case they push too far and you do decide to go for it.

Alternatively ask them why they criticise every single thing that you do and every decision you make - and do they mean to be so rude? Just to see what they say when they are put on the spot.

Finally - every thing they criticise, just say something positive along the lines of oh that's good or I'm glad about that and carry on as normal, don't let them see you've been hurt or annoyed. Then when they finally ask about your seeming agreement or positive reaction to all your suggestions, you can just say that you're glad when they don't like things as then you know they'll work really well, and are really good decisions. Conversely if they do like something then it's time to go back to the drawing board for that thing and find a different way to do things...

[DumSpiroSpero]

Agree with Guggenheim

'That's niiiice' a LA Mrs Brown, all the while bearing in mind Brown's Catchphrase - Mrs Brown's Boys - Seriâ?¦: this clip.

[DumSpiroSpero]

Not sure that link will work as am on tablet but if you search You Tube for 'Mrs Brown elocution' you'll see what I mean.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

A - get him to reroute his post - before you get married. This is ridiculous.
B - you don't like it? Phew, I'd start to worry if you did.
C - in what context don't you like it?

[FunkyBoldRibena]

'Give the man/woman a tissue' is one I heard recently when someone was saying they didn't like someone someone else was doing.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

"It's ok, we're happy with of choices so we're really not looking for any feedback/advice".

I would be having doubts about marrying your fiancé in these circumstances. Whilst he might be willing to shrug off their continual criticism and interference, he needs to be able to stand up for you. I'd honestly think about whether some pre-marital counselling might help you set the ground rules for dealing with PIL.

[Delphiniumsblue]

I agree with parakeet, there is no point in arguing or explaining or justifying so just go with one of her phrases, or a simple 'really' , said in a very bland way, and change the subject

[DraggingDownDownDown]

And there-in lies the problem....... DH-to-be

He needs to snip snip snip those apron strings and re-route his mail. Only a small thing to him but an issue for you - which means he should care wnough to do something about it.

What else do they have access to?