AIBU in wondering why many people don't have any idea about invisible disabilities?

[KhloeKardashian]

I can so identify with the people on public transport misjudging and the dirty looks. What is wrong with people that they tutt and judge like that.

//www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/adrian-grist/the-trouble-with-looking-healthy_b_4939297.html?utm_hp_ref=uk

Even friends don't seem to get it.

There seems to be a lot of people around with very low IQ when it comes to emotional intelligence I guess and they just can't help it.

[RahRahRasputin]

I think people in general have no idea about disabilities, visible or invisible. There seems to be a lot of jealousy about any provisions for disabled people. Why should they get benefits (which they have to jump through hundreds of hoops for) or extra seats or parking spaces or designated toilets? Why should anyone who isn't disabled have to be deprived of those things? It's bizarre. People wouldn't want the disability but they resent any concession made to those with disabilities.

Like threads on here where people think it's perfectly reasonable to park in a disabled space if all the parent spaces are full, or to use the disabled loo because they have children. It would never cross my mind to use anything that was designated for someone with a disability. Even now that I have a reason (bowel cancer surgery) to use the disabled toilet, I struggle with the worry that I'm making someone else wait and I will use the non-disabled if I can. Whereas lots of people have no qualms about using the disabled loo instead if there's a long queue.

When I was having chemo I was very anaemic and couldn't stand for very long without feeling faint. I went to M&S with my mum. My dad had to drop us off right behind the shop by car then I had to walk around holding the trolley so I didn't collapse. While my mum was queuing to pay, I sat down in a chair by the exit. There was no sign about who could sit there but usually elderly people sit there waiting for a lift. I got my phone out to text my dad to tell him we were nearly finished so he could come back and pick us up. An older couple appeared, one with a walking stick. They obviously thought I was just a lazy youth and were hiding behind a display and ranting about me if they had come and asked I would've explained why I was using the chair and I would've offered to move. Instead I just dragged myself up and stood clinging to a handrail until my mum arrived, by which point I had nearly fainted and she had to practically carry me out of the shop and put me on a wall outside. Then they didn't even want the chair they just didn't want me to sit in it

But, if you saw a young woman with no obvious disability texting on her phone in a disabled seat, would you really think perhaps she has an invisible disability or would you think what a scumbag depriving disabled people of the seat?

Even having experienced it, I don't go round expecting everyone to have a disability. Most people don't. But I wouldn't judge anyone using disabled facilities even if they look perfectly well, unless I knew for a fact they didn't have a disability.

I don't really know what more can be done. If I knew someone had an invisible disability then I would make every effort to accommodate them but I couldn't do that unless they told me.

[KhloeKardashian]

I am sorry you experienced that RahRah, I felt faint and weak my whole life, it was dismissed by many a Dr's over the years I gave up saying anything I just lived a life of feeling ill all the time and being expected to do the same as everyone else. I am forty now and after two sets of tests, I am finally going for two days of specialist tests so I can finally get treatment for it. I have also had to sit by and watch my children have the same treatment. They too are having further tests.

I can also commiserate on the need for the toilet, my child was told by various consultants it was attention seeking over a sibling being born around the time of toilet training, to drink more, to have star charts, books in toilets and finally I was a bad parent. Tests have recently proved with tests that there was a physiological cause after all and an operation is required. My child was mistreated by Dr's, staff at school, bullied and our relationship was damaged as a result of them not understanding, the struggles with the toilet are not easy. That is not the full extent of our invisible disabilities either. Inability to hold the bowel contents is not easy to cope with, that is why those facilities are there.

[InsertAwesomeNickname]

Tbh there are people without disabilities that sit in those seats.

People don't automatically think of invisible disability because like many medical conditions, if it hasn't impacted you or your family directly they know little about it that's natural.

[AmberLeaf]

I think a big part of the problem is that many people equate 'disabled' with 'uses a wheelchair/sticks' and anything outside of that doesn't register with their idea of disability.

[RahRahRasputin]

Khloe sorry to hear you've been ill for so long, hopefully the tests will reveal something easily treatable :) I've been rather lucky with the surgery and generally don't need to use the bathroom so urgently that I can't get to the ladies, but I had skin problems which complicate matters a bit. I posted on here after my nurse suggested I could use the disabled toilet and had some lovely responses!

I'm sorry your child needs an operation but I hope that solves the problem and that all goes smoothly.

[KhloeKardashian]

That is great that you have had help for that RahRah.

She is so excited about the operation she has been psychologically damaged by having to live with this until her teens. She just wants to be able to have a poo like everyone else and feel clean and not smell.

[KhloeKardashian]

I am looking forward to seeing her feeling better about herself, and not having to buy thousands of knickers and wipes and washing clothes and bedding like a demon, I will save a fortune in matress replacements alone.

[mousmous]

I think a problem is that some people are too polite and don't want to be a burden and want others to read their mind and others are 'entitled' and self absorbed.

I bet that if a disabled person asked politely, in 99% of cases they would be offered a seat.

[post]

My ds is autistic. He has a low eq. It doesn't make him a bad person.

Some people have visible disabilities, some visible.

Some people have diagnoses, others just struggle to do things that others find easy, whether they are physical, intellectual or to do with empathy.

God knows I know what it's like to see and experience judgement and discrimination, but I'm finding it more useful these days to practise the lack of assumption and judgement that I'd like to see myself, rather than assuming that people are deliberately, or carelessly, wilfully, being shitty.

It's not like I never feel frustrated, but on the whole it's a happier way to be for me.

[post]

Oh, blow. X posts and I would not have said shitty! Every day's a school day :D

[RahRahRasputin]

Oh your poor DD, it sounds incredibly distressing for her, especially in her teens. It sounds like the op will completely transform her life, that's just fabulous :)

[AmberLeaf]

I bet that if a disabled person asked politely, in 99% of cases they would be offered a seat

Even those with invisible disability? With no means to 'prove' their need.

[LadyMaryLikesCake]

"Surely many hidden disabilities don't require the same facilities as more obvious ones."

Pain is disabling. It sucks the life out of you, making things unbearable. People do usually need the same facilities as those who are visually able. People with bladder and continence problems need to use the disabled toilet as it's unfair to make them queue and they need the space that a disabled loo has.

Ds is dyspraxic and has hypermobile in his hands and feet. To look at him you'd think he was a normal teenager, but he can't stand for longer than a few minutes, finds walking painful, can't write due to pain. His balance is crap (imagine having feet made out of jelly and then trying to stand upright on a moving bus. Then imagine really, really painful feet and ankles) so he really struggles to stand if there's no spare seats on the bus. Because he's struggled so much to try to keep his balance he's in pain all day and quite often the following day too so can't always make it to school. Walking to the bus stop (a few yards) can sometimes be enough. He doesn't sit in the disabled seat on purpose, it's usually the first one he gets to and he just needs to sit down. He gets glares from older people as the seat's 'for the disabled'. Sometimes he can't get a seat at all and he's too nervous to ask incase those sitting down need the seat more. He does get DLA but his needs were not severe enough for the mobility element At least if he had a bus pass then maybe people wouldn't think he's a lazy teenager? Who knows.

[Nomama]

Yes, VU.

Most people, as has been said, don't have much knowledge about any disability, unless they have personal/family experience. Why should they?

Also most people go about their daily business in their own daily bubble, some things impinge, other things don't.

You can't get angry because someone acts a certain way over something they cannot possibly know.

But you can get pissed of with having to deal with it on a daily basis. That's not unreasonable at all.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

Before I had my son, who is asd, I didn't know about hidden disabilities.

Through him I have learnt so much.

I didn't know about ADHD, asd and everything else that is not visible.

[LizLemonOut]

its not necessarily that people should be able to instantly tell that someone has a hidden disability, but people should at least consider it's a possibility and keep their tuts and comments to themselves

[SilverOldie]

If you are specifically talking about this re public transport, then in my experience, most people couldn't give a damn if you have a visible disability, let alone an invisible one.

If they don't want to stand up and give their seat to someone trying to balance on two walking sticks, there is zero chance they may even briefly consider if a person has an invisible disability.

[Whathaveiforgottentoday]

When pregnant I had a herniated disc and couldn't stand/walk for more than a few minutes and obviously couldn't be treated when I was pregnant. I considered using a walking stick just so people could see a had a problem particularly in the early months before I was obviously pregnant. However i didn't because although I was in enormous pain, a walking stick didn't help and as I already had a toddler I needed both hands.
My short time with a walking problem was extremely enlightening and luckily I don't need to use public transport often/ had understand bosses at work so most of the time people were pretty kind and understanding towards me. However, unless you've experienced that level of difficulty I think it is difficult to empathise and understand others needs particularly if there are no obvious signs.

[LadyMaryLikesCake]

I see that, SilverOldie The needs of others doesn't cross some people's radar half of the time.

[RandallFloyd]

I don't yet understand it tbh. I'm at the very beginning as my DS is 2 and we are at the first steps of getting an ASD diagnosis.

He is verbal and, as a PP said, he's still very young and impossibly cute looking so he doesn't stand out much yet but when he does there are some very odd responses.

So far, the vast majority of people have been lovely and kind or just ignored us and gone about their business, both of those reactions are perfectly fine and normal to me. Sometimes though people's reactions leave me a bit stunned. Why on earth do so many people take it as a personal insult when a toddler doesn't want to talk to them? Plenty of young children are shy, it doesn't even need to be ASD or similar, big tall gown ups look scary to some small children. Why do they not understand that?

I've also had some odd responses when I've told friends & family about his ASD. They are just so keen to tell you it's not true, that their mother/brother/auntie/binman's dog does all the this DS does and they're totally fine. It's almost like a jealousy, like they think you are trying to say you/your child is somehow more special or important than theirs.

I don't know, it's all very new to me so I could very well be completely wrong, I'm certainly no expert. A lot of DS's issues are very well hidden so far, so much so that plenty of people deny they are there even when I point them out, so maybe we have a lot of this to come; or maybe he'll be able to hide them enough as he grows up that strangers will never need to know. I don't know, I can't think that far ahead yet.

I'm waffling again, sorry. Your builder was a knob Khloe, he should have listened to you. Regardless of the reason, if you didn't want a step he shouldn't have built a step, end of. Good luck to your DD for her operation, she must be counting the days

[saintlyjimjams]

I don't expect people to spot ds1 is disabled.

But nor do I expect them to swear at him when he is acting disabled. Yes he looks 'normal', but he's severely autistic.

If people are so stupid and narrow minded they can't work it out I leave them to swear/glare/tut away.

I'm quite happy to answer polite questions, join in with jokes and respond to smiles.

Anyone who is aggressive about sharing space with ds1 doesn't get any time from me though.

I suspect some on this thread saying YABU have no inking how offensive and ignorant some members of the general public can be in the presence of disability.

[KhloeKardashian]

LadyMary We have those problems too, again dismissed until recently in all three of us. It is what caused the feeling faint and the GI problems we all have that were also dismissed. It has been noted before by professionals that we have a low self esteem, and it is them that contributed to it.

[KhloeKardashian]

I had to change something in Homebase today, I was slow and limping, I got shoved to the side by a couple with their trolley of tiles. Not only did they intimidate me, hurt me they delayed me and I was in pain and feeling fait waiting for them to be seen, I had one thing to return, they were still being served when I finished with the other person on the counter. It is people like that, that make you feel horrible, they put you in pain and dismiss you so they can get ahead of you.