Aibu - stupid argument with DH!

[iloveironing]

Ok, so all of this is going to sound very immature

We were due to go away to visit PIL this weekend. I was looking forward to it and took a half day to go home and get ready. Went home, packed up, cleaned the house and gave DS's baths & dinners so we were all ready to go

DH came home and started packing. He picked up his favourite jumper and realised it had been shrunk a lot in the wash. He had put in the laundry basket and I washed it at the correct temperature so I'm not sure how it happened. I didn't notice what happened and ironed it and hung it up. DH looked angry and said 'what happened to my jumper?!' He gave me an angry look. He was im

I defended myself and said I wasn't going any further until he said sorry. He refused

Meanwhile DS2 was having a massive tantrum downstairs screaming 'mummy mummy mummy daddy daddy daddy'.

I refused to continue getting ready because he hasn't said sorry. DH drove off to PILs with DS1

He came back after 20 mins and sent a mean text to say he was outside and to get out to the car. I refused to move because of the tone of text

He drove off again. Then he came back. I said lets both say sorry as in I was to say sorry for being in a strop and him to say sorry for refusing to apologise. Again he refused and got really angry.

He's normally a lovely person but he's in a right rage now. He says himself and DS1 will go to PIL's tomorrow and I can stay here.

Was I wrong to insist on an apology? If I'd brushed it off we could have gone off to visit PIL and if we'd discussed it later on he may have acknowledged he was wrong. Instead what happened was there was a stand off for 3 hours which resulted in us going nowhere :-(

[Jolleigh]

It's petty, yes but we've all had petty arguments.

However, demanding an apology from an irritated adult who (however stroppily) was just asking what happened to his jumper was always going to get his back up. You should have explained that you didn't know then let him realise it was just a jumper. YAbothBU in this respect.

The bit where you really take the biscuit is where he comes back for you twice and you don't just swallow your pride for the sake of your DC and PIL.

[betman]

I'm also interested if there is something huge missing. You are both being very unreasonable to put your children and inlaws through this. You both should have sucked it up and gone for their sakes, especially as it was over something so small.

[Topseyt]

It does sound so ridiculous from your post. You are both being very childish, but it is something that many of couples have done from time to time in the past.

For me, one of life's hardest lessons has been "pick your battles". Another was trying not to back the other into a corner, and a third was to stop trying to goad a response out of the other half.

Tomorrow is another day. Try again then. Meanwhile, I am also marking my place to find out the conclusion of "jumpergate".

[MaryWestmacott]

Petty and childish from both of you.

I also think for mens jumpers, they always say they are machine washable when often they aren't, I think the assumption is men won't do handwashing. Wash at 30 or hand wash, or even better, refuse from now on to wash any of his jumpers, that way you won't have to have this fight again.

[TravellingToad]

Was his only crime an angry look?

[BurntPancake]

YABU. You can't force an adult to apologise and I can't see anything wrong with asking what happened to his jumper and having an "angry look". You both acted ridiculously after that though.

[scottishmummy]

You were unreasonable to be so rigid in demanding a reply

[cerealqueen]

All I can see is 'He was Im........

Then

'I defended myself.'

I need more.

[DoJo]

I'm assuming that there is more to it than what was posted, because otherwise YABU and should apologise.

If there is more, then you need to decide what's more important to you - being right or getting this resolved. A gracious, genuine and heartfelt apology is such a disarming thing, it can put a completely different spin on everything. If you are sorry for how this situation ended up, then say it - admit that you went OTT demanding an apology and explain that you were looking forward to going away and want to have a nice time together. If he doesn't apologise for his part in it then I would be surprised, but at least you will have tried and will have some idea of whether he is BU or has just blown up in an angry instant.

[DejaVuAllOverAgain]

OP from now on you can solve the problem by letting him do his own washing. That way he only has himself to blame if something shrinks and it will avoid any future arguments.

[innisglas]

Assuming that there is nothing further of significance in the "...", I wouldn't bother with apologies, just be nice to each other

[Fairenuff]

I must admit I've shrunk a jumper or two in the past. No-one has ever gone mad at me about it.

Now I either ask dh 'Is this one alright in the machine?' before I chuck it in, or leave it for him to do.

I'm sure we've all been there. Why has this blown out of proportion, was it the last straw for one/both of you? There must be more to this story.

[BolshierAyraStark]

Why did you not just say 'I have no idea' in reply to his question & angry look?

[CrazyOldCatLady]

There's got to be something big missing from that paragraph.

[Golferman]

I wouldn't get into a sweat(er) about it :-D

[meditrina]

There is a paragraph which breaks off, and I hope OP will supply the missing information.

Because right now, it looks as if you massively overreacted to one angry look.

[Thetallesttower]

Even if it was an accident, if I shrunk my husband's (or anyone else's jumper)-I'd say sorry, sorry it shrunk, I don't know how it happened. My husband would then see I was sorry even if not to blame, and the whole thing could be avoided.

I don't demand apologies as they are meaningless if demanded and when emotions run high.

I have to say though, I have had rows like this where it has escalated over nothing, which is usually about stress/stored up resentment or just catching each other unawares.

I don't agree with everyone that 'big' things mean bigger arguments, sometimes the small stuff or a tone of voice or an implied meaning can be hurtful (as long as you don't have a row every time something trivial goes wrong).

Now you need to get back on track, both of you were in the wrong really, all this storming out/demanding apologies- I would smile, say 'sorry about the jumper, I really don't know what happened, shall we just get on with the weekend'- giving the other person the 'in' to also apologise.

[diddl]

A stand off for 3hrs about a jumper??!!

Why did he drive off with one child?

Doesn't anyone care about the ILs?

My husband would have got in the car with the kids & gone with or without me depending on what I decided.

"What's happened to my jumper?"

"Well, it looks like it has shrunk"-and we would both have laughed.

Although if it was that obvious I would just have told him when it happened.

Seems odd that you didn't notice if it had shrunk a lot & it makes it look as if you were trying to hide it.

[UncleT]

OK, he probably could have done with looking less pissed off, but you're being over the top about this. He asked what happened to the jumper. He probably was annoyed, he's not likely to be happy is he? Problem is that now you're both being ridiculous and his text was out of line. You are both being unreasonable.

[HicDraconis]

cees - bollocks. I have never had a petty unreasonable row with DH and I can assure you I am not full of shit (daily psyllium husk).

[chattychattyboomba]

Some harsh comments here. I would also be interested to know what happened after he gave you an angry look (sounds like an overreaction and I can imagine how it lead to you feeling upset).
Don't worry OP. Some people love to tell you how perfect they are and never argue over petty things but I'm pretty sure we have these arguments daily. Today it was because I made DH a cooked breakfast and he 'grunted' thank you. Although my excuse right now is that I'm pregnant and very highly strung.
I suspect your demand for an apology was more taking a stand against a deeper issue. Have a think about what it really was that bothered you so much about his reaction and try to discuss it at a better time.