To expect more from my 3 1/2 year old daughter? At a loss.

[Slightlyneuroricnat]

I had a thread on here a few weeks back but I can't find it.
I'm at a bit of a loss with my daughters behaviour.
She is 3 1/2 and had a sister of 2.
She is good as good some days and a joy to be around.
Others she is constantly hitting, to not only her younger sister but also to other children out at play areas.
Today, we went to a soft play area as it was one of her friends parties and within half an hour she had pulled hair / pushed over / punched at least 5 children.
The only reason I didn't leave sooner was because I'd driven a friend there and felt bad leaving her there a good hour from home.
Obviously each time she was taken out at say down for a good 5 minutes, I explained why it was naughty, she apologised to the child and then a few minutes later she went on to do it again.
We eventually did leave and as soon as we were home I sat her down and explained how bad her behaviour was, took away her favourite toy and whilst she seemed upset at the time Shea now happily playing with her hundreds of other toys so I have no idea if this is having any impact at all.
Can anyone advise me that's been through this?

[LolaDontCryOnDogTails]

OP my son sounds pretty similar, same age too
Especially the not taking praise well!

If i say well done what a clever boy he screams at me.
His is less hitting more shouting, and directed at adults over children.
Just letting you know you're not on your own, it's pretty draining but everyone has said it's a phase.

Not much fun though

[kitchendrama]

There is a technique which I have found quite effective. And that is, when a child gets hurt you lavish all your attention on the victim and completely ignore the child who lashed out. No eye contact, no comment at all. Turn your back if necessary. If it is attention seeking behaviour she will soon be puzzled by the fact you don't rush up and deal with her and it may pull her up short.
My two eldest DDs are 13months apart and that was challenging but children zone out quite often when being told off (no matter how well you are doing it) so it helps to find other techniques.
A great book recommended to me was How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and How to Listen so Kids will Talk. Some really great techniques, useful at all ages. It does get better and perhaps nursery will help too. Exlain your worries and experienced staff will be willing to help. HTH

[justtoomessy]

My DS used to really push people around, hit out etc but now after 2 years of it he is finally coming out the other side. Positve praise stuff really worked after a while as well as giving DS jobs to do e.g. can you look out for so and so and make sure they are safe and happy.

[MeeWhoo]

At a recent parenting course I attended they said the best thing at that age as far as "telling off" is concerned is to put on your stern face and voice and to hold the part of the body they are hitting with (so if they are kicking you put your hand on their leg) while you tell them, "no hitting" or something similar and wait till they calm down.

It is best if you can look them in the eye at the same time, but if they turn their face away don't force them, they are still very aware of what's going on. Don't go into long explanations as to why she shouldn't, as particularly at that point they arevworked up and they will lose focus during the explanation, so better something short and simple that makes it very clear wht your expectations are.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

I wonder if she is over stimulated. Out all day every day, swimming and two classes etc etc. Nothing is more likely to give my two the rage than soft play - and you always see children biting and hitting - I think they get too hot and there is no fresh air.

I think she needs some downtime, just kicking around at home or in the garden.

I have a friend who has a similar age gap - also both girls. She has always taken them out continuously, lots of classes etc. Her eldest is still a nightmare now at 6 because she expects to be entertained non-stop and hasn't learnt to just be calm and play without hype.

I would cut back on what you do with her - but she definitely needs to be in nursery to start learning how to cope with structure and rules.

[Slightlyneuroricnat]

Thanks for your further replies.
Yes I was speaking to my husband and come when she starts nursery the only lesson she will be able to continue is swimming on a Saturday morning as she is doing afternoons and am def not going to take her to classes before nursery and get her all riled up.
She does need to learn to listen to other adults especially as I think she feels intimidated sometimes and hits out rather than crying ( she's not a crier ) or running away like I see other kids doing.
I also think part of it is boredom, she's done all the soft plays for the last few years and is now bored with them but are there for my younger, obviously I can do them without her come end of April as she is going to a school nursery so there 5 days a week

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I agree with over stimulated-that's what I was trying to say when I said 'tired.' She might be just about be able to hold it together on activity days and then because that's used up all her concentration/focus she has to vent and let off steam and this comes out physically.

[Slightlyneuroricnat]

Dame,
That could be true.
She's always had a lot of energy and refuses to sleep until she literally can't keep her eyes open.
So maybe she's holding it together for all these play dates etc but is actually pretty shattered.
I think I'll start easing off all the classes as they will have ro stop in a few weeks anyway.
I just hope she's okay at pre school and this behaviour doesn't keep happening there as I dread to think of being called in about it

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

It's worth a go isn't it, just to see if it works? You'll probably have to ease up anyway as she starts pre school as it takes a LOT out of them ime!

[Slightlyneuroricnat]

Yes that's true and I wouldn't want to wear her out / hype her out before pre school
I just wish I knew why she did it

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Frustration/attention/habit? Who knows? Ds was a bit like this, he always seemed like an adult trapped inside a child's body and he hated it Nursery really sorted him out though and that was the first time I really felt he was 'his proper age' iykwim? I was a sham too and it did us the world of good to be apart a bit tbh and for him to have to listen to someone else's rules

[Slightlyneuroricnat]

Yes I am hoping this is the case and she doesn't feel completely pushed out as she knows I'll still have her sister with me.
I did consider finding a pre school for a morning a week for my youngest just to have some time with her the 2 of us but with drop offs / pick ups etc I don't know how well that would work

[SJBean]

Nursery may be the answer! My friends little girl is just four and her sister is three in June. Like you she is conscious that if she takes the eldest one home due to bad behaviour the younger one gets punished too. Maybe there are ways round this though - giving the youngest a treat when she gets home that the other one doesn't have? The amount of times I have heard her say 'if you do that again we're going home' and then doesn't follow through with this means that the little girl now just sees this as an empty threat.

[Slightlyneuroricnat]

Sjbean
She def doesn't believe my threats as a few of them
Have been empty or turn into 4/5 chances before we actually do go home.
Today we had a nice day however when it was time
To leave the park she didn't want to and hit me.
We were leaving anyway but I made out that as she had hit we were now going straight home and this is what I'll have to stick to.

[SJBean]

Good on you! Staying consistent is the key I guess and not worrying about her not liking you for it - the most important thing my mum taught me about having kids is you're not supposed to be their friend (until they're 25 that is!) good luck with it all.

[Slightlyneuroricnat]

Thankyou!
I was most irritated yesterday with the incident as whilst I already have a 3 year old hitting me, a 2 year old asking for food, trying to get them both back to the car etc, I then have a lady informing me that what she needs is a good slap, that'll teach her, then she will know what it feels like.
Ignorance is very annoying.