To let my 16 month old fall asleep downstairs?

[justasmallone]

I've just spoken to our health visitor who has instructed me to get Ds into more of a routine and to use controlled crying.

I would not use Cc, although I have no issues with other parents doing this. We let Ds fall asleep on us and we put him in his cot when we go to bed. This works in our family and I don't see why we would change it at the moment.

Hv thinks as Ds doesn't go in his cot for naps and in the evening it may be contributing to his head butting? She seemed to think he has no routine, he does.

[justasmallone]

I think I'm going to just let her come. Smile and nod. I wont need to see her again until ds' 2 year check ... I'll send Dh. Easy life all though its really grating on me to do this.

[deakymom]

my daughter never regularly headbanged and she is a self harmer my son rocked aggressively in his cot every night he would bang his head on the mattress and roll up in the air so his feet were up in the air and slam them back again he is not a self harmer my HV is not happy my 14 months old still falls asleep on me and i transfer him to cot none of my children have slept well before they have gone into a bed

[Finola1step]

I think the best thing to do is to call or email the HV and say "Thank you for your advice on the issues we discussed. I am unable to make the appointment we arranged and will not be rearranging at this time. I will carefully consider what we discussed and if need be, will contact you again in the future. Many thanks."

Then make an appt with your GP just to double check that all is ok wrt the head banging. Make it clear that you have already spoken to HV (so GP doesn't re refer you) and just want reassurance.

[dietcokeandwine]

OP I have a 4yo and a 13mo-I have to say the bit where she said your 4yo is 'bullying' your toddler and toddler is therefore 'in despair' is utter rubbish! It sounds like completely normal 4yo-and-younger-sibling behaviour (bit of jealousy, bit of pushing boundaries, bit of being too rough etc etc) to me. My two are the same together (minus the headbutting) and no way in hell is any bullying going on.

I don't really know about headbutting as mine never did it but isn't it generally linked more to frustration, say at not being able to communicate much verbally? Maybe tiredness exacerbates it but regardless of how your DS goes to sleep he seems to be getting enough sleep from what you write.

I would smile politely and ignore ignore ignore.

[yorkie84]

I have a headbutter who won't sleep iin a cot! I agree though it is probably a tired thing.

[justasmallone]

She did say that maybe he wasnt getting enough sleep, I did set her staight on this he has 12 hours plus at night and 1 to 2 hours in the day.

[GreenPetal94]

Why is the health visitor coming around? Can't you just cancel her? If you don't feel she is being helpful then can you gradually cut links?

I realise looking back that I found my health visitors very unhelpful but at the time I was not strong enough to ignore them. I also felt I had to keep getting ds1 weighed. He was a big baby and now I realise that the constant weighing was not necessary. All was fine and I should have not let the health visitor boss me!

Good luck with it all

[girliefriend]

How much sleep is he getting?

Maybe the hv feels he isn't getting enough sleep and being over tired is contributing to the head butting? What time is he going to bed?

Does he sleep much during the day?

Maybe a bedtime routine, some quiet time and an earlier bedtime would be worth trying?

[Ploppy16]

Jesus aren't you lucky? You obviously got a health visitor who is the worlds foremost psychic and baby expert, not to mention baby interpreter...
What a silly cow she is, self harming and child protection? I'd love to see her back up her assertions with properly researched facts..
I don't think I've seen you mention it but how mobile is LO? When all 3 of mine first started getting around (when just starting to walk independently) they had a head butting phase for some reason. Actually DD2 started when she learnt to bum shuffle but that may have been a major inability to judge heights and distance... They all grew out of it quite naturally and are fine!
As for your older DC, sounds like she's jealous. I found that the behaviour of DD1 got worse for a bit when DD2 reached a milestone of some sort, she was jealous of the extra attention and praise so we made sure to 'bump' her up a bit as well.
YANBU btw x

[justasmallone]

Im seriously getting fire in my belly about her ahem, advice. I feel like I sm being told how to raise my very happy baby.

[justasmallone]

Ha! Beyond repair.

[callamia]

Rigid advice like that makes me wonder how humans have survived for so long. Do whatever works for you. If the baby is safe, well-loved and you're happy, then why should they all be doing the same thing? Your HV sounds very 'a little knowledge is a dangerous thing'. Can you ask to see a different one?

I think head butting could be a comfort thing - my younger baby does something like that when he's falling asleep in his crib, it's sort of like rocking I guess. Definitely worth a GP visit to rule out anything physical though.

[TwelveLeggedWalk]

" i would say she is putting 2 and 2 toegteher and getting a cat." Love this!

[BeyondRepair]

Ni head butting here ours falls asleep in mine or dh arms usually in our bed then we transfer.

they are not in deth experts i would say she is putting 2 and 2 toegteher and getting a cat.

[justasmallone]

I will. Tbh I dont think I will have much to do with now.

[ExBrightonBell]

I would definitely request a different HV though if you have another visit.

[justasmallone]

But I dont think I will.

[justasmallone]

Just to clarify, I dont think dd is jealous and have no qualms leaving them together within earshot. She has lashed out a couple of times due to fustration.

Ds does have a routine just not a conventional one.

I am seriously tempted to complain but shes scared me with talk of child protection.

[HadABadDay2014]

www.babycenter.com/0_head-banging_11554.bc

20% of toddlers do this.

I would put in a complaint because threatening a mother with child protection over a common problem is not on.

[littleducks]

I think the point she was trying to make was that he is headbutting out of frustration. A routine and a child understanding the order of the day can help prevent frustration.

No idea if that actually applies to your ds though. I thought perceived wisdon was to put them in a safe place/give them a bean bag or cushion and ignore.

[ExBrightonBell]

Your HV sounds crap at her job. She's managed to threaten, confuse, alarm and distress you in just one visit when you invited her to advise you.

Obviously you need to keep an eye on the 4yr old with the 16 month old, can't imagine why she would have thought you need to be told that. The mentioning of self-harm and child protection is just a bit weird. I wonder what she was trying to get across?

I would maybe contact the HV team and say you are happy to have another visit, but insist on seeing a different HV. You are within your rights to do this afaik.

[DoJo]

My son was a headbutter - he would do it when he couldn't get his own way or couldn't express himself and it was clear that it was mostly frustration. As soon as he learned the words for the things he really wanted, he pretty much stopped, and although he will occasionally still do it now (at just 2) he rarely bothers as he knows that we won't just change our minds because he's banging his head.

We just ignored it (apart from the time he tried to do it on the bottom of the bath whilst it was full of water, which did at least shock him out of his rage!) and he never seriously hurt himself, although he did occasionally give himself a bruise, a lump or both. He has always slept anywhere that he finds himself when tired - on us, in his cot, on the sofa and in the car or buggy, and this hasn't changed over the period that his head-butting has diminished.

Sounds like your HV is talking out of her hat - you could always go along with her and ask for some reference studies or relevant articles etc to help you. I'm guessing these will not be forthcoming and hopefully she will have to give it a second's thought before recommending such a bonkers thing again!

[EEatingSoupForLunch]

My niece was a headbutter, she stopped by herself soon after she was 2. DSis spoke to GP who said give it minimal attention (it was never people, just walls or floor) except maybe putting a cushion in the way.

Re your 4 year old, are you worried about their relationship? Some jealousy is very usual at this age but I'm sure you can assess how likely she would be to hurt little one if you are not in the room. Talk of child protection and self harm.is utter nonsense with a toddler. I support saying you don't want HV to come back, or asking for someone else.

[LucilleBluth]

Whaaaaaaat! DS1 was a head butter, he's a very intelligent 12 year old now, how odd.

[aworkingmummy]

Mine was a headbutter - it was a self soothe thing - used to shake his head really fast side to side too when trying to get to sleep. He grew out of it pretty soon - nothing to do with routine I wouldn't have thought - when I raised it with my HV, she said it's normal and they stop soon enough.