DS has lost something (new and relatively expensive)

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

He's 8 and I am pissed off but also recognise that I do sometime expect to much.

He has history for dumping things where he stands, not putting things back, never knowing where he's put stuff (probably fairly standard) what gets my back up most is he won't bother to really search for something and I suspect half the time doesn't care if it turns up again or not.

He's gone to school upset because I have told him off and I feel bad but instead of being sorry he just gives me huffy looks. (I think he is sorry but huffy looks are his default setting these days)

I've told him he needs to look for it when he gets home but if it's permanently lost how can I deal with it without getting mad? I am too shouty sometimes and I'm trying not to be as ds and I do seem to rub each other the wrong way these days. I'm thinking a computer/I pad ban for the weekend?

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

No he doesn't get pocket money, I think you're right he needs to have a more meaningful idea about the money and value.

[steppemum]

well, the solution is simple. No watch, no playing out.

Find the watch, you can play out.

A few weeks of not being allowed out will teach a valuable lesson.

BTW we have the same rule WRT time and watch, but ds doesn't like his watch (hmm) but he is never late home, he asks his friends for the time!

If he gets pocket money, he can save up for a £5 cheapy from the supermarket, and he is therefore, by default, grounded until he has saved up a replaced it.

[shewhowines]

If he doesn't get pocket money, he can do chores to earn the money to buy a new one.

[wigglesrock]

I'd start by giving him pocket money - he'll get a better idea of money, budgeting, how much he really wants something. I've an 8 year old daughter & she hasn't lost any of the vast amount of Moshi Monsters she's bought herself .

If he needs to replace the watch in order to call for his friends - buy him a cheap one, £20 is dear for a kids watch. My dds was £8 from Argos. Take the cost of the watch out of his birthday money/ whenever he has the equivalent saved up in pocket money. I can't keep an umbrella in our house - and its me that loses them.


My dd is all over the place at the minute re eyerolls, hurumphing but her body's changing, her hormones are all over the place. I tend to turn a bit of a blind eye, I'm not sweetness & light all day, every day.

[ukatlast]

YABU I don't think losing something is a discipline matter? Have you never misplaced your car keys OP? How will stopping him using his IPAD help at all?
You have identified that you 'rub each other up the wrong way' at the moment so I think it's time to work on building the loving side of your relationship and that means picking your battles very wisely and not jumping on every single thing he does.
Many 8 year old boys do seem to suffer from an inability to manage stuff - it may not even be his fault.

As for the watch does he really even need one? I know I don't. I use my mobile for the time and at school there are clocks all over the place.

[ukatlast]

' I think you're right he needs to have a more meaningful idea about the money and value.'

YABU OP he's 8. It doesn't matter. Consequence fine - no watch.You may find he doesn't really want one anyway and that's way he didn't go out of his way to take care of it.

[ukatlast]

STEPPEWOLF: 'well, the solution is simple. No watch, no playing out.

Find the watch, you can play out.'

Wow glad I don't live under your regime.

[shewhowines]

uka It's not the fact that he lost it, it's more that he can't be bothered to look for it, or indeed value it at all.

[ukatlast]

err I mean Steppemum.....

[ukatlast]

shewhowines - as I said he probably didn't want or need one in the first place, let alone an expensive one.

[Fullpleatherjacket]

I wouldn't make a drama out of it for an 8 year old. Plenty of years for things to get worse, believe me Just get a cheap one if it's essential or let him do without.

My ds lost two at secondary putting them down on the bench at PE and forgetting to put them on again . The second was a Christmas present Ben Sherman he'd been desperate for .

I left it to him if he chose to replace them with his own money. He didn't so went without.

[MrTumblesBavarianFanbase]

uk 8 year olds are not babies, they are very capable of a degree of responsibility and of inderstanding the value of everyday objects and of money, and of budgeting for luxuary items they don't actually need from pocket money.

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

Well I think he did want one as it was part of our agreement for allowing him to play further afield and he was excited to receive it on Christmas Day.

I do disagree that he's 8 and it doesn't matter though, surely teaching them to respect and care for things should start early on? He wants the responsibility and freedom to play out and knock for friends and he manages that very well always sticks to the rules/timekeeping/letting me know exactly who he is calling for and coming to tell me if he is going in their home so on that basis I think he is capable of putting things in a safe place.

Ukatlast you are right about focusing on a more positive relationship that's why I posted because I want to handle it without continuing this negative rut we are in and it's helped I'm not angry anymore so I will able to talk to him calmly when he comes home about it.

Thank you for all your opinions

[shewhowines]

*uka8 He might not value the watch himself, but he needs to recognise that things that have value, and have been given by his parents using money that they have worked for, needs to be respected.

i agree that if it is a one off, then cut him some slack, but it appears that the ops son has form for this, coudn't care less attitude.

[steppemum]

ukatlast - if you read the whole post, you will see that I suggest he saves up pocket money and buys a new cheapy one, available for about £5.

Playing out and coming home at a set time is an earned privilege. It involves having the watch. The watch is expensive and can't just be replaced.

So, he doesn't loose his computer time, his mates can come round to his house, but if he wants to go and call for them, he needs a way of telling the time.

It is hardly a regime to let the natural consequences of something happen.

(and I would probably let him earn the money to replace it, so it didn't take too long)

[steppemum]

My ds dropped his 10 day old tablet (birthday present) on the floor on Christmas day and broke it.
he was distraught. It was a genuine accident. We haven't told him off, in fact we have spent lots of time hugging and comforting him, and telling him it was an accident.

But the bottom line is, we can't afford to replace it. Dh has spent hours and hours taking it apart and trying to fix it. He has finally taken a risk and bought a screen, and it is now fixed. 3 months later, and I can't wait to see ds face this afternoon when dh gives it to him.

But it was a sad but natural consequence, it is broken. we can't afford to fix it right now. I wish we had been able to do it sooner. I wish he hadn't dropped it. But you know what, in the scheme of things, I don't regret at all that he has learnt that valuable things don't grow on trees.

[Dancergirl]

Wow, some of you are really harsh.

I do see the point about natural consequences but sometimes a bit of common sense is called for. You wouldn't allow a child to play outside because he lost a watch? Really? And yet we all complain that our dc spend too much time inside. I love to see dc playing outside with their friends, they are getting fresh air and excercise and a little bit of independence. Playing out shouldn't be an earned privilege, it's an important part of childhood.

OP, you say that as your ds is responsible in other areas, he should be responsible for putting things away safely. I would turn that on its head and say that as your ds is generally sensible and responsible, I would allow him to make a few mistakes and cut him a bit of slack. If he always sticks to the rules when he's out, he's doing well - not all 8 year olds would do that.

He doesn't need a watch to play out, if he needs to be home at a certain time he could ask a friend for the time or ask a friends mum etc. Banning him from playing out completely is madness IMO and everyone loses out.

[steppemum]

Dancer - OP has explained that he wanted to go further afield to knock on friend's door which are not in his street and to have a bit of independence. The deal was that he had to have a watch so that he knew how long he had been out and what time he had to be back.

He can play out, but he can't go off to the further afield places, unless he has a watch to keep track of time.

I can't see why that is harsh.

[StarGazeyPond]

I think I'm pissed off mostly because I know he won't care if it's replaced or not.

FFS - then don't replace it.

[Caitlin17]

YABVVU in having spent more than £10 absolutecmaximum on a watch for an 8 year old. I think its ready pretty unfair putting that pressure on an 8 year old. No one needs a "good" watch before 18 or 21.

[Caitlin17]

And my son at 8 got to play out with friends without needing a watch.

[Dancergirl]

I agree caitlin not being able to play out is not a natural consequence of not having a watch. As long as he sticks to the rules of being home in time it's fine. It's not as convenient though, he'll just have to find out the time from someone else, but not impossible.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Do you usually follow through on consequences for certain behaviour? I don't think you expect too much if you want him to look after his things and not take them for granted. He's old enough to acknowledge boundaries and as he grows up you'll be glad when you get positive feedback from others about your DS.

Slightly tongue in cheek but maybe you could draw up a contract for DS.

I must

1. respect my belongings
   

1. keep my bedroom tidy
   

1. talk to people in an appropriate manner
   

1. remember to smile because I am loved!

[MyBodyIsAtemplate]

yes make this a concequence so he can't go out with his mates until he at least has a really good tidy up and clean of his bedroom. it will most probably turn up.

the attitude thing though is a bit off for an 8 year old. he can't blame hormones yet. I would stamp on that now as you don't want a surly teen that's bigger than you.

it's not typical of any child to be rude. it's bad behaviour.