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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To come out in a cold sweat when I think of my children at secondary school?

71 replies

AwfulMaureen · 18/02/2014 21:00

Seriously...my older DD is the youngest in her class...the thought of her going to high school almost A YEAR younger than many of them just fills me with horror.

Sometimes I think "Meh...I coped" and then I think about how it was different back then. I had no social media to cope with...kids were FAR less sophisticated and knowledgeable.

DD is young...she's a bit gawky....she's sensitive...I can't stand it!

OP posts:
cory · 18/02/2014 21:24

I have to say I find there is something very reassuring about seeing my children growing up and becoming more capable of looking after themselves. And occasionally proving themselves more capable than me.

mygrandchildrenrock · 18/02/2014 21:24

'She's a baby still...really like a little girl at 9...'
I used to be so worried about my children starting high school until I realised that I was thinking of them as they were then, not how they would be in a year or two. Children can grow up quite a lot between 9 and 11. Once I realised that I stopped worrying, quite so much!

MrsDavidBowie · 18/02/2014 21:26

My did is one of the eldest (sept born) but was not particularly emotional ally mature when she started secondary school.
Her best friend is August 30th and is much more mature.

Think it depends on the individual.
And just because you were unhappy at school doesn't mean it will be the same for your df. It has been fantastic for mine despite having lots of issues.

Babyroobs · 18/02/2014 21:31

My DS1 was the youngest but one in his year ( end of August baby), he has coped fine, never had any problems with the transition from Primary to secondary.

ClaudiusGalen · 18/02/2014 21:32

They grow up when they get there. I teach secondary and the Year 7s are generally all still very young when they start - most of them ask things like 'should I turn over when I've filled this page?'. By the end of the first term they are much more grown up.

I hated secondary school myself, but I left in 1997 and things have changed massively within education since then.

WorraLiberty · 18/02/2014 21:35

Try to stop thinking of her as a whole year younger than the oldest in the class.

She's also only a few months younger than some kids and probably the same age as others.

I'm sure she'll be fine. It's an exciting time for her.

Theas18 · 18/02/2014 21:36

All 3 really loved secondary after the constraints of primary. The opportunities are huge, the kids were like them etc

Yes changing friends had minor hiccups but honestly, when they get to 11 and often nearly 12 and leave primary they are so ready for a new challenge (as is DS at 18 and just finishing year 13- as he said "its been a great 7 yrs but it's feeling small now")

BirdintheWings · 18/02/2014 21:40

DD (usually the oldest and always the tallest in her year) says grouchily that it's easier to be tiny and innocent-looking, because everyone else looks after you -- whereas if you tower over the Year 11s and half of the staff, everyone expects you to know what you're doing.

NotEnoughTime · 18/02/2014 21:41

I was you one year ago Awful Maureen

My DS is now in year 7 and is having a ball. He has really "come into his own" and has made a group of like minded friends.

The best thing about secondary school he says are the trips they go on and the school dinners

Im so relieved. The thought of my DS going to "big" school was far far worse than the reality.

ReindeerBollocks · 18/02/2014 21:45

I hear you Maureen

We are currently selecting high schools for DC1. My summer born babe with a medical history as long as your arm and a raft of hurdles still to overcome before he completes primary school.

Part of me is not dealing with it < immature response>

But the other part is trying to put coping strategies in place for DC1. Selecting the school that can deal with DC1 and everything that brings has been petrifying. God knows what I'm going to be like when it happens!?

YouStayClassySanDiego · 18/02/2014 21:47

Stay calm.

Ds2-16 hated primary and didn't like secondary if I'm honest

He's a July boy and now thriving at sixth form, it's like a rebirth for him and he's top of his classes, whoop-de-woop.

it'll be fine.

Nocomet · 18/02/2014 22:01

Honestly it's way better than when we started secondary, they have pastrol care that actually does care.

Yes my quirky dyslexic DD1 gets a lot of stick (just as she did at primary), but there are people who will listen and who care.

That is a million miles away from my generation at secondary.

TamerB · 18/02/2014 22:17

My DS was the August birthday and dyslexic. Secondary was fine, a bigger friendship pool and more activities. You can't tell - there is no point in worrying.

morethanpotatoprints · 18/02/2014 22:20

Hello OP

I think because school is most peoples natural default for their children's education they tend not to question the format too much.
Our dd left school at age 8 and I must admit to being happy that she won't attend a local secondary school at 11.
Most people are happy to go with the flow and expect their children to adapt to the situation, some dc have an awful time at school.
I think it depends on what you want for your dc.
Our older 2 went through secondary school, neither thrived or particularly enjoyed it. I wish I had heard of H.ed then.

Original poster
AwfulMaureen · 18/02/2014 22:50

Potato my main fear is that I will somehow hinder my children from making connections which could be useful to them....or from socialising in a "normal" way. I know they can join clubs and attend HE meetings but it's so true that many HE families are very quirky...we are certainly that...and part of me thinks that we need the normalization which school can bring.

I would love to HE and think it's got so many positives...but fear...fear...you know what it does.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 18/02/2014 23:04

My ds is Summer born, and the only 2 times it has bothered him in Secondary, are last year, (in Yr12) when his friends turned 17 often many months before him, and could start driving lessons, while he had to wait, and this year (Yr13) when his 'older in the year' friends have turned 18 and can get served at the bar Grin
Actually in school it's never been an issue.

So yes, I'd say YABU to be panicing that much about it at the moment. By the time they get to the end of Yr6, they are ready, they move up, and the vast majority of dc enjoy it. If you are in such a state now though, you may well convey some of that worry to your dd, and that, in itself won't help her. You need to convince her what an exciting time it is, and how much she'll love it.

pixiepotter · 18/02/2014 23:12

OH FGS one in 12 of the children going, and have gone for generations before have gone and lived to tell the tale.Stop being so PFB

kitnkaboodle · 18/02/2014 23:18

OP - what on earth are you so racked with fear about? the thought that she might grow up??

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 18/02/2014 23:20

My pfb is going to secondary this year so I do understand the worry.

On the other hand I do think they outgrow primary and secondary schools seem much more inspiring, dynamic places than when I went.

I am dreading the transition but we will survive and I really hope my ds1 will embrace the wider curriculum and learning opportunities.

furlinedsheepskinjacket · 18/02/2014 23:20

I was told all sorts of horror stories by other parents before my dcs started secondary school

dd was the youngest in the school - they have both finished school now and did really well
they didn't love it but they got through it fine - that's life though :)

loulou1980 · 18/02/2014 23:29

My daughter's birthday is August 27, she has never struggled to keep up, has lots of friends and has always enjoyed school. Try not to worry :-)

morethanpotatoprints · 18/02/2014 23:37

I don't agree that you should convince them that it will be exciting and they'll love it. They may never forgive you for lying to them if they hate it and never embrace secondary school.

I think by the time you are ready to make a choice and have visited some then it is the important part. Knowing you have chosen the one that best fits your child will give you confidence in the school.

I don't think you are being PFB at all, and are very wise for questioning and looking at alternatives. Too many people just opt into the system and then complain about the laws, policies and procedures. There are dozens of threads daily on here complaining about some aspect of school life.

Joysmum · 19/02/2014 00:45

I know exactly how you feel. My DD would have been in the next year down if she'd been born 2 weeks later. She's also only child.

We are very lucky in that I though well ahead, decided what school I thought was best for her and bought a house there.

Tbh I think she'd have done ok anywhere. When I think back to the disadvantages of my own education, I took it for granted this was normal and just cracked on without excuses, I know she has the right attitude to try her best and keep her head down when needed.

Luckily we got her into our preferred choice and it's a very good school so she's not needed to keep her head down. It's up to us as parents and the junior schools to prepare the children for the step up. Having spoken to the mums I know of her old classmates, none of them feel they were better off at junior school and all were more than ready to progress up.

TamerB · 19/02/2014 07:43

She wouldn't want to be left behind. She has managed fine up to now with being the youngest. As someone said they are not all a year ahead, and it can be a huge disadvantage being the eldest. 1 in 12 will be the same age and 1in 4 will be born in the last quarter.
Look at the positives and they will too.

TamerB · 19/02/2014 07:44

I would have liked my son born 2 weeks later- he was quite happy where he was.