To be pissed off with DH acting like a big baby

[FutTheShuckUp]

So valentines evening he was meant to be taking me out for dinner. Turns out as has happened before he's booked nothing nowhere has any space as they wouldn't and we end up driving round aimlesslessly and go home with mcdonalds.
We rowed and I said to him I'm so sick of him planning nothing like EVER. Special birthdays he plans nothing. Holidays I've always ever planned. His excuse is 'I'm good at that stuff' (which he's also said about kids birthday parties presents etc). I'm fed up. We've been married ten years in a few weeks and I feel like if I didn't plan EVERYTHING we'd do nothing ever. AIBU to tell him he has to change or I'm offski

He gets like a petulant child.

I do lots of nice things for him and he does lots of nice things for me.

He puts shopping away, remembers to put screen wash in my car, gets up earlier than me and gets the DDs on the school bus, with 1/4 the shouting I do. Oh and then makes me a cup of tea.

He's really very good at all husbandly duties except set piece romantic gestures.

Not helped by the fact that we fell into bed together and got engaged in six weeks, so 'dates' never really happened. We were broke students so a meal out = mac D's

He cant be arsed, thats the top and bottom of it.

it isnt difficult to book a table .

I bet he functions well when he wants to. He likely just feels like its your job.

He has the ability to prove you wrong and show you that what matters to you, matters to him, and make that effort . He just has to choose to.

if he doesnt want to, then thats fairly clear.

fwiw, a good father models good behaviour, including your child's template for their future relationships. What they see, they think is normal and are more likely to seek out.

its a big responsibility and no parent can be considered a good parent if they ignore that, imo.

Well as long as you're happy Starball

Though I'd say of all those examples, only the tea is really doing something for you. The rest are just things that need to be done.

OP can you think of any time in the past when you were having problems and you talked your way through it? Basically, do you see any chance of improving things here.

So, lets give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he really didn't realise that everywhere would be booked out. In which case, he would no doubt be so mortified and apologetic that he would be making it up to you by, say, booking another date, or making a special dinner at home, or buying a thoughtful gift.

Has he done any of this?

It's not the lack of special gestures. Some couples don't do that, which is fine. It's he saying he would do it, and letting you down, that's the issue.

He gets like a petulant child.

"I wanted to take you out, it wasnt MY fault everywhere was booked. I did TRY!!! You are being so horrible to me, I wanted to do something nice and it wasnt good enough!"

Sounds like this is the end of the road. Not because of the meal but because it has confirmed to you where you are in his priorities. But if you do leave, be prepared for utter bewilderment on his part. He genuinely will not see his neglect, thoughtlessness and disregard for you. And moreover, he will not see why you are unhappy.

It's not that you're better at these things - he just can't be bothered because he thinks these things are your job. I guess you are better at organising children's activities, dentist appointments, food shopping etc too?

Have you ever said to him "Do you realise that I feel so unimportant to you that I am thinking of leaving you?" Then telling him exactly how it feels to know that work is worth 1000 phone calls but a nice meal with you isnt worth 1.

Sometimes, sometimes that can be enough for them to think about what they are going to lose. Not often, but sometimes. Depends how you feel as to whether you think that is worth a try.

I have the very same argument with DH on a regular basis. He wanted to renew our vows for our 10th anniversary, so I told him that if he organised it and all I had to do was turn up then I wouldn't mind. Our 15th anniversary is coming up and I'm still waiting... (Not really bothered tbh but it's annoying)

Bogey you have just put into words what I have been trying to work out how to say for a long time.

OP sorry you had a rubbish V' day.

Ten years?

I don't know if YOU are being unreasonable as it is clearly something that could be changed.

It is unreasonable, however, to be ok with something for 10 years, decide you want it to change from what has been alright, and be immediately angry with someone for not changing it.

If you wish to shift the goalposts (to a not unreasonable improvement, by the way! :) ) after ten years, that's a big ask and you should ease into it in a positive way - as you no doubt hope your partner would, the other way around.

He's not always been this bad it's been a progressive thing tbh

I don't think I've ever moaned about my husband on MN because I've never had cause to, but your thread rang a bell with me.

We live in a lovely city, eat out quite a bit, but always end up in a chain restaurant or a handful of tried and tested places. We mutually agreed that we needed to try some new restaurants. I chose the one last week, so told him that he should choose this week. I swear he started pouting (don't think I imagined it) and uttered the immortal words "but your so much better at it than me". Never thought I would see the day!

Yes I am better at it, but that's not the point. In the end we had to go to my daughter's to offer a bit of moral support with the new baby, so he got out of that one nicely.

Anyway, you have my sympathy OP and yes your husband should be booking a nice meal out.

Feeling your pain, OP. My Valentines went like this "I was going to get you some flowers but I forgot. I'll get you something nice later."

On a rare weekend together it is always "So what do you want to do?"

The honest answer is "I want to do something fun that you have chosen and organised for us."

Never going to happen.

I got nothing for valentines day this year from my DH. To be fair, we did say we weren't going to 'do' valentines as our anniversary is soon, but I did think he might get me a card or something.

Never mind though, I'll just have to make sure he makes up for it for our anniversary

I hate eating out on Valentine's day - 20 extra tables crammed in with couples who are only out with each other because they have to be.

We stay in, and DP makes me dinner (usually I'm too impatient to let him cook). He plans it all, buys it all, cooks it all - there is some guidance from me if I think he's forgotten something/it starts to go a bit wrong. We've been together 6 years and if I didn't tell him off because we're poor and I'd guessed - he was going to book us a night away on the 15th as well to a west country village I like.

If he attempted to put MacDonalds anyhwere near my general area on V-day, or any other day where he had been supposed to organise something, there would be words, and many apologies required.

YANBU.
Your DH needs to understand that booking a restaurant requires minimal effort. Valentines day is on the same day every year - how can he forget?!
My DF is not all romantic, works very long hours etc. but even he took Mum away for the weekend this year! And always books them somewhere to go for dinner.

I would like to add this came from gentle training chivvying in the first year together. When we first got together I used to get the whole "What do you want to do" when we'd booked time off together etc. and used to be like "Why don't YOU pick something for a change" hands over laptop
Problem is I simultaneously had to relax my controlling feelings towards organising places I'm going to be sleeping in etc. - The result - a lovely weekend in a castle hotel in Dublin and another lovely weekend in bath.
Turns out when pushed he could think of something nice to do!

Sorry that sounded like I was just boasting.
What I'm trying to say is, you should expect him to be able to think of you all year round, not just on V-day.
If he doesn't, you need to tell him - calmly, so he can't accuse you whinily of being mean - that it's very hurtful that he cannot even put himself out that much for you. Especially if he used to and doesn't any more.
Also, a bit of signposting "this place is nice, that would be nice for V-day, I bet they'll be booked up by next week" etc. as gentle reminders for those forgetful DH/DPs can be useful!

I can definitely understand why you are disappointed. Does he show his love in other ways?

@falulah: "Valentines day is on the same day every year - how can he forget?!"

I think as I was saying elsewhere that Valentines Day has no emotional significance whatsoever to a lot of people, and is just a hoop they must jump through, to indulge someone as if they were a child.

It is like remembering to tick a box at the bottom of your relationship which has next to it in tiny, tiny writing "If you do not tick this box if you don't love me and would like a childish melodramatic pointless reaction". There is about as much emotional difference between remembering and forgetting, as unwittingly missing a box on a form.

Being thoughtful to your dp isn't about jumping through hoops.

I don't think my dp is that bothered about Valentine's Day tbh but he made the effort because he knew I'd love a meal and some chocs (I made an effort for him too).

God, all these menbabies, how do you still feel like shagging them ?

if they acted like this at the beginning of a relationship, they wouldn't get a second date

divisionbyzero
Valentines day has no emotional significance for me and DP either, we use it as an EXCUSE to spend money on each other because the rest of the time we don't have any to spare and I feel anxious about receiving gifts, this year even the day away was still too much. Birthdays and christmas are also 'excuses' - you'll also notice I said I hate going out on V-day precisely because it's full of couples who are there because they have to be.

I would've much preferred the original Roman orgy fertility festival in my slightly younger days, quite frankly.

My point is, it's obviously important to the OP - her H doesn't make an effort in general, and even knowing he was supposed to book somewhere on the ONE day it was 'his turn' he still didn't bother early enough, and as it's the same day every year, it's not like it crept up on him. The OP also said they USED to celebrate it, it's all fun and games if you're not V-day sorts of people, but if one person in the relationship suddenly decides to put zero effort in, I don't see how that's acceptable, no matter what your feelings are about the day in general.

Him doing this is a representation of how he acts the rest of the time in their relationship - ie not initiating time together, places to go, doing nice gestures etc., and the whole driving around looking for somewhere anyway - just, oh man.

divisionbyzero
In fact, I once made a card for DP that had us as cave people on it saying "Valentine's isn't invented yet, so I'll just love you every day for now" He has it on the bedside table. :)

feels so very geeky