AIBU about not taking baby around MIL's

[Totalpushover]

Hi there, I've asked this before but I need avice again...

Basically myself and OH are younger parents, 18 and 20.
Please don't judge us on that, I'm desperate now.
We cannot afford private.
I will be living at my mums, and my OH cannot live with due to space. However he's welcome over whenever he likes.
His mother was under impression we were both going to live at his, and is now very pissed off that i'm not.
He's tried to talk to her about her dogs and her smoking.
She has finally agreed she won't smoke in the house when bubba's comes over, but i'm not entirely happy with this as she'll smoke any others time in the house and third hand smoke is dangerous too.
I've said to OH because of the lingering smoke I cannot allow LO to sleep overnights, its too risky and if she was damaged by constant smoke thats festered i'll never forgive myself.
She will not hear a bad word on her dogs. (Three Jack Russells, and an elderly Labrador.) They are not trained, do not listen an two are snappy, have bit, will bite for no reason or for unacceptable reasons. She does not care, it is our faults apparently. All I asked is that they are on ground level when baby is round, so they cannot express dominance, and be all over her.
MIL disagrees and says they should be allowed to lick her all over, be protective and love her.
I do not share these views, a dog is a dog, and shouldn't be given such frighteningly close access, especially to a newborn.
MIL cannot come around mine, my mum and herself do not get on.
What do I do? Its causing huge tension between myself and OH, and tearing us apart.
Should I just stick to my guns, and only have LO around his for a few hours in the day or not even risk it at all?
Any advice would be great, but please no flaming If you feel strongly on this subject please back why x

[Totalpushover]

BridgetJonesPants25 - This is my frustration!! Those dogs will NOT be locked from the livingroom/room where baby is, "its their home, their territory, why should they be shut away?" was pretty much her words, she followed through by saying "OH has a perfectly good bedroom, if the dogs are such a problem keep her in there."
Yeah because she deserves that.

expatinscotland - Midwife has been informed, she wrote my a regards to a local group in my town which simply give advice on how to try and get a home. I've been already, they said because I didn't already have a house they couldn't help!! Backwards much??

[TheLittlestSprout]

OP my baby was snapped at by a terrier. It was the most terrifying moment of my life. The angry dog sounds, the screams of my baby, the blood and the complete horror of thinking my baby was being killed. Thankfully the injury was small and only needed butterfly stitches but his beautiful little face is still scared and I'm still traumatised by it. Every time I look at his face my heart breaks. Please, please, please don't put your baby and yourself at risk of this. If I could turn back the clock I wouldn't care who I angered or upset, I'd damn well keep my baby safe.

[Totalpushover]

Thelittlesprout thats so horrible :/

[IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM]

No way would I put baby near the dogs, not just one but a few that can move in a pack? crazy selfish woman...

even if they were toothless old dogs but you were still concerned out of respect for you and the baby she should shut them away for a while whilst you are there.

[expatinscotland]

Then you need to be firmer with your OH. NO visiting at his mum's. At all. Get the health visitor on board, too. ANY HV will realise this is a dangerous situation for a baby or child.

[Custardo]

look the problem is not yours

you could meet out of the house - but she would prefer to have a drink

you could go to the house, but she won't put the dogs away

can meet at yours but she won't come

you have given solutions, ask her for some solutions

[IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM]

Dont bother asking for any more solutions why should you op....

she isnt meeting you half way dont bother.

[PeriodFeatures]

you sound very level headed o.p. I have no real advice other than stick to your guns and do what you need to do to keep your dc safe and well. This is your and your dps baby and your respective mothers will need to work out their roles as grandparents themselves. I hope they can do this with respect and some emotional maturity but it sounds to me as if they might struggle.

All the best to you. I hope you enjoy your new baby and dont forget mumsnet is here! It has been a lifesaver for me at times with my dd and mil problems!

[ddubsgirl]

you have posted this a few times and everytime everyone has said the same do not go round this is her problem not yours I have a dog and he has run of the house BUT if anyone ever asked me to shut him away due to baby/scared I would, shes letting the dogs rule th house sorry but dogs come lower down in the pecking order! if she is going to put her pets above her granchilds safety then sorry she doesnt deserve to be called a granparent

[specialsubject]

you'll have to stay with your parents. The dogs are a danger to a small child, as is the smoke. Jack Russels have killed babies.

Sorry, too much 'LO' and 'bubba' to read the post in too much detail. Get your partner to step up to the plate with as much work as is going so you can save for your own place.

[TheoriginalMrsDarcy]

You are certainly not being unreasonable. I would never take my child to visit anyone who smoked in the house and anyone who did, and wanted to cuddle my baby girl would have to wash their hands thoroughly before they were allowed to touch her. My baby, my rules.

With dogs in the house, and esp those allowed to roam free around the house, even if they were locked up in a separate room, your baby would be at risk of coming into contact with dog hair or fleas or even poo particles all over the sofa. Thanks but no thanks.

I think the suggestion of meeting at a coffee shop is a good idea.

If your mother in law is unable to understand and respect your wishes then there's nothing you can do.

[waterrat]

A week old baby was killed recently by a small dog - a yappy terrier that gripped the baby's head - please do not give in. Tell your partner about that - it will be online it was reported in the national press

A house full of smoke is really unhealthy for babies particularly as a SIDS risk at night. I would not let the baby stay there.

The dog issue alone would be an absolute no - you can't risk this and your partner needs to man up.

[Belle2808]

Hmmm very torn here, currently about to pop an certainly wouldn't have any dogs/smoking around my baby... However my 23 year old brother and his gf have a 4 month old, no where to live and currently living between her dads and my mums. My mum is 51 works a 50 hour week and when she comes in at night she likes a coffee and a fag! It's her home that she works hard to pay for. She adores her grandson and takes him every Saturday out visiting his great gran etc! Now why on earth because they where irresponsible and fell pregnant without proper plans in place should my mum be the person who suffers. She wants to be the doting gran and help out but she pays for her home and can do as she pleases. I do not agree in any which way with dogs licking or smoking around children but u fortunately OP you can't dictate what someone does in their own home. Not flaming you at all but u are pregnant without stability it wasn't her choice. Ur OH will just have to journey to urs and he shouldn't even make an issue of it.

[waterrat]

www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/family-devastated-after-newborn-baby-1448401

[Totalpushover]

I know the JRT and little boy story. I have also showed it to my OH... That dog reminds me too much of MIL's biter which scares me further... And again I've posted again to show OH this tonight x

[expatinscotland]

Long ago, there was a poster whose newborn was killed by her parents' terrier.

[eggsandwich]

When I was pregnant with my first child 13 years ago I went with my Dh to a prenatal meeting with other prospective parents, at the meeting one of the parents asked about dogs around child and the health visitor who was there as well as a midwife said let the dog lick the baby's face, me being me I challenged her on this and said it wasn't very hygienic as dogs lick their bum's and had this advice been adopted by the medical profession, she glared at me but never answered my question. People do talk crap sometime!

[Gileswithachainsaw]

I love dogs and have no problem taking my children to houses with dogs. BUT these are trained well behaved dogs!! I would not take them anywhere with untrained snappy dogs. No way. And as for the smoking, no chance there either!!!

[HazleNutt]

I remember your previous thread and don't see that anything has changed for the better. There is NO way I would take my baby anywhere if I knew they have an aggressive, snappy biting dog. I would not take the baby to my own parents if they had a dog like that and insisted the dog should lick the baby all over. Just no. It's clearly dangerous, not some kind of an imaginary issue you have.

[ZombiesAreClammyDodgers]

How about dog gates? Why isn't she willing to meet you halfway on that?

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Just no.

And secondly - has it occurred to you that carrying on refusing is the BEST thing your OH can do to really get the message across that he is no longer a child, he is an adult and a father and what he says goes when it comes to HIS child?

Your MIL thinks she's in charge.

She isn't.

She doesn't like having to get used to that idea.

But she will, if you don't back down.

Back down now and it will be something else anyway... and in the meantime your baby will be in danger and probably end up bitten or worse.

So he may as well stand up to her now, on this.

Long term, it will make ALL your lives easier.

You go out and meet her at the weekend.
If she'll lock the dogs away, you will come to hers for an afternoon.
Or she can grow up and come to your mums.

DO NOT allow your baby to be in the same room as a dangerous nippy dog. Just DON'T take that risk.

[PeriodFeatures]

Sorry, too much 'LO' and 'bubba' to read the post in too much detail.

how incredibly rude and sanctimonious! ^^

[AlpacaLypse]

I'm not a fan of lol or bubba either but OP does know how to use punctuation and paragraphs! That's the only thing that ever puts me off reading Original Posts.

TotalPushover, best of luck - you've got the Viper's Nest on your side!

Do you think it might be good to change your username? Not be TotalPushover but something like 'ToughYoungMumAintGoingToTakeAnyMoreShit'?

[IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM]

I love dogs too but would not trust someone who put their dogs needs, above that of a baby.

I have a dog and have no problems putting her in the kitchen if guests are scared.

[Totalpushover]

How about dog gates? Why isn't she willing to meet you halfway on that? - yes one to stop them going in OH's room, but the biter (its always the fcking biter!!) can jump nearly 5" which is highly frustrating!!

And Bruno she IS use to her own way. If you stand up to her she goes bloody crazy/nasty ect ect its so hard to fight her kindly!

My OH has finished work now, i will be showing him your replies, I highly appreciate it ... :)

AlpacaLypse I may have to haha!