AIBU about not taking baby around MIL's

[Totalpushover]

Hi there, I've asked this before but I need avice again...

Basically myself and OH are younger parents, 18 and 20.
Please don't judge us on that, I'm desperate now.
We cannot afford private.
I will be living at my mums, and my OH cannot live with due to space. However he's welcome over whenever he likes.
His mother was under impression we were both going to live at his, and is now very pissed off that i'm not.
He's tried to talk to her about her dogs and her smoking.
She has finally agreed she won't smoke in the house when bubba's comes over, but i'm not entirely happy with this as she'll smoke any others time in the house and third hand smoke is dangerous too.
I've said to OH because of the lingering smoke I cannot allow LO to sleep overnights, its too risky and if she was damaged by constant smoke thats festered i'll never forgive myself.
She will not hear a bad word on her dogs. (Three Jack Russells, and an elderly Labrador.) They are not trained, do not listen an two are snappy, have bit, will bite for no reason or for unacceptable reasons. She does not care, it is our faults apparently. All I asked is that they are on ground level when baby is round, so they cannot express dominance, and be all over her.
MIL disagrees and says they should be allowed to lick her all over, be protective and love her.
I do not share these views, a dog is a dog, and shouldn't be given such frighteningly close access, especially to a newborn.
MIL cannot come around mine, my mum and herself do not get on.
What do I do? Its causing huge tension between myself and OH, and tearing us apart.
Should I just stick to my guns, and only have LO around his for a few hours in the day or not even risk it at all?
Any advice would be great, but please no flaming If you feel strongly on this subject please back why x

[Totalpushover]

This makes me v v happy :D
Just the smoke thats festered in the upholstery thats fucking me off now!

[ZombiesAreClammyDodgers]

OP, you will like this: www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/law-to-ban-smoking-in-cars-with-children-to-be-passed-as-soon-as-possible-9120161.html

[Totalpushover]

Yeah I know Clam!!
Grrr, he has been to said antenatal class, quite enjoyed it which shocked me as he was sat like a sour puss at first!!
Apparently smoking in the car stops as of tomorrow, shrugs
We'll see.

[clam]

Something to bear in mind if you were to split up though, is that he would then have a free rein to take the kids round to his mum's whenever he had access.
(Sorry to throw that one in!)

[expatinscotland]

Gawd, he smokes, too? And in the car? Bitching about an antenatal class. What do you want with such a loser?

[TwelveLeggedWalk]

This isn't an issue that's going to magically resolve itself, in fact as your LO gets older and more mobile it is only gong to get worse.

You need to make it clear that with snappy untrained dogs your LO will not be going to your MIL's house until they can drive themselves there - there are just as many if not more incidences of children being badly or fatally bitten as babies, from toddler right up through school age.

The smoke thing is not great but you can work around for an hour in granny's house - open the window, ask her to wash her hands before cuddles etc. Your DP smoking in the car is pretty shit in my view.

Your DP stropping about and bitching about your weight are beyond shit and into 'why are you with him again?' territory tbh.

I'd stop wasting any more emotional energy in this. You are having a baby, and living at your parents. How involved your DP and MIL are is kind of up to them, you need to make sure you and your baby are happy and well set up at the home you're going to be living in for the forseeable.

[Totalpushover]

special subject

I am just very frustrated with him this morning.
He's avoided this entire subject, we've had a spat over the fact that he continues to smoke in the car himself despite this baby being born next month. I have tried to tell him the risks and warnings off things, it seems he takes them in then either ignores it or simply does another silly thing.
As for our relationship being dead in the water, I'm starting to think that way too.
He's been jesting me about my weight gain all morning and is throwing a strop that we've got an antenatal class in half an hour.
I am so done.

[specialsubject]

having an 'other half' that you think is a 'royal arse' just shouts that this relationship is dead in the water.

keep the baby away from danger, have a grown up talk with your 'partner' and make adult plans.

[HazleNutt]

I would normally say that your baby has a right to a grandparent and you should make an effort, even if you don't like her. But she seems to be selfish and nasty and putting her dogs' interests above her grandchild's safety. I'm not sure your baby needs a grandma like her.

[Totalpushover]

Yes specialsubject I had seen it too.
OH is a royal arse and didn't even want to look at this topic i'd posted just for him saying he already knew what peoples answers were... I give up sometimes, I really do.

[specialsubject]

another baby killed by a dog - in the news today.

admittedly an illegal pit bull - but legal dogs do it too.

need any more reasons, OP?

[rumbleinthrjungle]

I remember your last thread OP. It sounds like you've done all you can and well done, but she's determined she's not going to make any changes. All you can do is be clear the baby doesn't go into her house and she's welcome to meet you and see the baby in neutral places. It's in her power to make the changes you've specified if she would like the baby to come to her house. After that unfortunately it comes down to standing your ground and weathering any attempts to get you to soften on your conditions.

[fairyhellokitty]

Yanbu
Baby's are precious shouldn't be around snappy, untrained dogs who lick everywhere
Or around smoking whether 1st, 2nd hand etc

[Littleen]

Like many others have said, you are being a sensible and responsible parent by refusing to let your baby stay there overnight. Short daytime visits are okay though - on the conditions she doesn't smoke whilst you're there and do not let the dogs get too close to the baby, when they obviously cannot be trusted (many dogs can be, but I still wouldn't want them licking a baby!) I think a very limited time in a smokey environment will not do any long-term damage to the baby, smokers can recover their health after a few weeks of not smoking, so a few hours now and then should be "ok".

Perhaps it would be a good solution to meet up in a cafe like starbucks or costa, if you can afford a cup of tea there, you can sit for quite some time :) Or you could go for walks together instead of staying at her house.

[Cuddlydragon]

Stand your ground OP. Your concerns are very real. If she does not wish to put her grandchild first, that is her right. It is your right and your job to protect your baby from harm. Good luck, it must be hard for you. I'm much older and thought I'd find it difficult to stand up to my Mil. Actually when it came to my baby it was incredibly easy. Nobody's feelings came before their safety.

[HermioneWeasley]

I'm feeling nauseous imagining what your MIL's house must smell like with smoking and dogs. I wouldn't go for that reason alone.

Stand up to her now or she'll always expect to get her own way.

[VegetariansTasteLikeChicken]

if your mil gave a fuck about your baby and meeting it, she'd do anything for the opportunity.

Not smoking around it and letting her dogs loose on it are a pretty low bar

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

YANBU.
Just be firm.
It will be hard for them to hear but you can't risk your baby's health or safety.
Good luck.

[MommyBird]

I could of wrote this post 4 years ago.
My MIL is a chain smoker and has 2 staffys.

Theres too many horrible stories about dogs and babies these days so we put our foot down.

MIL refused to stop smoking when our DD was there and refused to put her dogs away.

We didnt take DD up there. Simple.

If your MIL wants to see her DHC so bad she will have to meet you elsewere.

[Totalpushover]

How about dog gates? Why isn't she willing to meet you halfway on that? - yes one to stop them going in OH's room, but the biter (its always the fcking biter!!) can jump nearly 5" which is highly frustrating!!

And Bruno she IS use to her own way. If you stand up to her she goes bloody crazy/nasty ect ect its so hard to fight her kindly!

My OH has finished work now, i will be showing him your replies, I highly appreciate it ... :)

AlpacaLypse I may have to haha!

[IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM]

I love dogs too but would not trust someone who put their dogs needs, above that of a baby.

I have a dog and have no problems putting her in the kitchen if guests are scared.

[AlpacaLypse]

I'm not a fan of lol or bubba either but OP does know how to use punctuation and paragraphs! That's the only thing that ever puts me off reading Original Posts.

TotalPushover, best of luck - you've got the Viper's Nest on your side!

Do you think it might be good to change your username? Not be TotalPushover but something like 'ToughYoungMumAintGoingToTakeAnyMoreShit'?

[PeriodFeatures]

Sorry, too much 'LO' and 'bubba' to read the post in too much detail.

how incredibly rude and sanctimonious! ^^

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

Just no.

And secondly - has it occurred to you that carrying on refusing is the BEST thing your OH can do to really get the message across that he is no longer a child, he is an adult and a father and what he says goes when it comes to HIS child?

Your MIL thinks she's in charge.

She isn't.

She doesn't like having to get used to that idea.

But she will, if you don't back down.

Back down now and it will be something else anyway... and in the meantime your baby will be in danger and probably end up bitten or worse.

So he may as well stand up to her now, on this.

Long term, it will make ALL your lives easier.

You go out and meet her at the weekend.
If she'll lock the dogs away, you will come to hers for an afternoon.
Or she can grow up and come to your mums.

DO NOT allow your baby to be in the same room as a dangerous nippy dog. Just DON'T take that risk.

[ZombiesAreClammyDodgers]

How about dog gates? Why isn't she willing to meet you halfway on that?