To want a little more help, and be able to eat a meal occasionally?!

[cookiemonster5678]

I have a 3 week old baby who is my first born, I absolutely adore him and am enjoying my new life as a mum... He does cry a fair bit, and wants to be cuddled upto me rather than in a bouncer chair or moses basket, which leaves me with very little time to get jobs done during the day,

Am I being totally unreasonable to want my partner who works full time to help me a little more during the night, and also want time to eat a proper meal?

I couldn't have asked more from my partner during his time at home after the birth, I had a traumatic labour and was unable to do as much as I would have liked at first. He did all the night feeds, most of the day feeds, all nappy changes, bottle sterilising etc etc etc and left me to enjoy cuddles with the baby and recover from the labour. I am not moaning about him, he is brilliant with the baby and we have just sort of slipped into a way of doing things that I am not entirely happy with.

Since he has gone back to work (full time) we have fallen into a routine where as well as looking after the baby all day I do every night feed Sunday - Thursday, and he takes over Friday and Saturday. During the weekends I still end up waking up when he does the night feeds as I am a light sleeper and struggle to fall back to sleep. During the week he sleeps right through the night and gets up at 7am for work, I have usually been up for at least an hour if not more by this point. I am utterly exhausted.

During the day I don't have time to make a decent meal to eat, and end up picking at food when I get a minute. This is leaving me more drained and with little energy.

I just cried and cried when he left for work this morning, mainly because I miss him so much when he leaves us, but also because I still hadn't eaten breakfast, knew I wouldn't get chance too, and was knackered from being awake the best part of 4 hours in the night.

I have just taken the baby into the kitchen, and he finally fell asleep in his chair to the sound of the tumble dryer. I feel rotten doing this, but I made myself a lovely nutritious meal, and left the baby in the kitchen to go to the sitting room and eat. I did keep nipping back in to check he was ok. Was this mean of me? I was just so desperate for some food that I had the shakes!

When my partner gets in from work he takes a while to get himself organised, he has a bath, then makes himself some food, prepares for work the next day etc so while he is doing that I still cant hand baby over and usually end up doing a further nappy change and feed. It can be anything around 7-8pm before we are all settled down to spend time together and I can get a rest.

What I am mainly asking for advice on, is would I be unreasonable to suggest to my partner that he helps a little during the week when he arrives home, and with night feeds?

I completely get that he works full time and needs his sleep, but I also feel that I need to be more awake and alert to look after our baby during the day. I am thinking maybe he could get up once out of the 3 times the baby wakes? Or we could each do night feeds on alternate nights throughout the whole week? Any other suggestions welcome too...

I also understand he has been at work all day, but he has had a lunch hour and a full nights sleep, I have not.

Or as a stay at home mother should I be doing it all, and leave him to sleep during the week nights?

Sorry for rambling, I am a very tired new mum trying to get used to it all!!

[Mim78]

Lots of good ideas on here. Not to regurgitate but I think:

1. You do need to just put baby down for a bit to make tea or something to eat, go to the loo etc. I know it's hard with pfb but baby will be fine if you put him down for a few mins, even if crying.
   

1. Get in some easy food that you can put together really quickly.
   

1. Get dh to cook enough for you anytime he cooks for self (sounds like he does this in evenings) even if you have to warm it up later. Get him to make a big batch of say pasta sauce or chilli con carne or whatever you two like next time he cooks so you can freeze some and warm it up.
   

1. If anyone asks how they can help, say please make me some portions of food to freeze/ microwave, and offer to pay for ingredients.
   

You are the most important person, as baby will have no one to look after him if younare sick. Xxx

[MrsSpencerReid]

Haven't read every post but I would suggest a sling, then baby can be cuddled and you have hands free to cook/eat, I've even managed to go to the loo!! It does get better!! Dot worry about housework, just look after yourself and baby

[Sunnymeg]

When DS was that small we used the slow cooker all the time. DH would prepare dinner and put it in to cook. I used to have the leftovers from the day before microwaved for lunch. A hot meal twice a day kept me sane and was something to look forward to. Don't worry about this stage we have all been there. DS was born at the start of a glorious September, but I remember drying everything in the tumble dryer and getting upset that I couldn't summom up enough energy to hang the washing out.

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

This was me three years ago and it still is as my life now as my dd is such a poor sleeper. This is what I do to cope particularly in the early days:

• Swap tea/coffee with horlicks/complan/ovaltine
  
• Keep a box of belvita or similar breakfast biscuits & bowls of fruit to snack on in the main rooms that you occupy
  
• keep yoghurts/ cheese sticks & similar dairy snacks to graze on
  
• Get your dp to make you lunch & breakfasts
  Think about smaller wholesome meals / snacks rather than big meals 3 times daily
  
• load the machine before bed & get your dp to switch it on before work
  
• batch cook & freeze a portion
  
• sleep when baby naps
  
• if he has a problem with the housework, then he either pulla a fibger out or pays for a cleaner

[ladyquinoa]

I think you need ear plugs for the night and a sling for the day.

He needs to take the baby for half an hour or an hour when he comes in to give you a break and for him to bond. He needs to cook for you both - even if its just making a sandwich.

I think it might work for you to go to bed early, him do the first feed and you the following two. Thursday to Sunday he can do two feeds and you can do just one.

[ladyquinoa]

Also a slow cooker makes life easier. DH can cut up ingredients for spag Bol the night before and then you can stick it on first thing in the morning, giving you a healthy tea by the evening

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

Congratulations.
YANBU to want a bit more help.
His after- work "me time" would have me reaching for a shovel tbh.
The nights I'm less confident about as o bf mine so that would have tricky for dh but I think he should postpone his pampering session until a bit later.
For comparison. Mine are 4 and 1 now. 1 yo is still bf at night.
I work (pt). on my way home I pick up dd from CM, DH (who works funny hours but prettu ft) picks up DS from school. There is no down time really. I am bf dd now after bathing them both. Dh is clearing up after dinner.
I will get a shower in about half an hour after making the DCs packed lunches.
I'm sure your DP will help if he was so good initially.just talk to him.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

And yes to all those ideas from others about batch- prepping food.
If he makes a packed lunch he can make you one too.
Or maybe you could do that (if you need a change from baby time) while he holds baby.
I would find a postnatal group too, or, even better one of those "toddler" groups in a church hall. There's almost always another tiny one there, actual women to talk to, they will love seeing your dd and someone will make you a cup of tea. With a biscuit.

[TheRealAmandaClarke]

I vote yes to a sling too. Lifesavers.

[Littleen]

Grats with the baby! :)
Surely your other half could make food for you aswell as himself when he gets in? Doesn't take much effort to make for two!

Also, my friends say that having baby in a sling/baby carrier helps them get things done, as baby cries less when being close to you. Also if baby is sitting in a chair in front of a window, they are distracted a bit more :) I've got a baby coming any day now, so not tried any of this myself, but hoping it'll work! Got an ergobaby sling ready for action :)

[LittleBabySqueakSqueak]

Sorry if you've already said and I've missed it, but if you possibly can, either he or you sleep somewhere else when he's doing the nights. When my DD was tiny I slept on the sofabed on work nights, with her in her moses basket, and at the weekends DH did. I could then sleep in the bed without interruption. Even waking with exploding boobs just meant expressing and going back to sleep, no emotional involvement needed.

You said you've been up for an hour when he gets up - can you go back to bed then? It doesn't matter if you don't start the day until lunchtime if it gets you the sleep you need to handle the night.

And I sympathise about not being able to get food. We're beyond that stage now, but I remember it well. Soup in a thermos cup is good. Microwaveable soup.

[memememum]

I hope your talk with your dp goes well. I think that you are very reasonable to expect some more help from him as you are also working full time (more in fact). It sounds like he was very helpful during his paternity leave so hopefully you will be able to discuss it calmly and come up with something happy for you both.

[TalisaMaegyr]

God those early days are fucking dreadful.... I HATED it, felt like I'd been hit with a brick.

Having said that - I do think you've got a good one there, he just maybe doesn't know what you need. And without wishing to sound like some Nanny McPhee type from the 1930's, you need to start putting the baby down so you can get on with some stuff, including having something proper to eat!

It does get easier, I absolutely promise.

[Stripyhoglets]

My Dh worked 37 hours a week, he helped with nights and I BF, he'd change nappies and rock baby back to sleep if they wouldn't settle. The two hour routine when he gets in has to change, he gets in and takes baby while you go in the bath/shower then eat and then you take baby back while he then does the same. He should make you a sandwich for lunch when he does his, the little things help and he will have to get used to no immediate downtime when he gets in as it really doesn't work that way once you have children.

[sonlypuppyfat]

Please put the baby down and eat something, I did this put the baby before my needs and ended up ill on really strong Iron tablets the tiny one won't come to any harm if they have to cry for a minute. I found finding time for myself hard with my first one but you find if you have more they fit in more with your life.And don't forget they are not little very long.

[BeaWheesht]

Dh never did nightfeeds because I was a SAHM and he had to drive but he did let me sleep in unt 730 if baby woke earlier (if not screaming for a feed) and sometimes would bring baby to me in the night and change them if need be. He also made me a packed lunch and took over at 6ish when he got home for an hour or so. I think all of that type of thing is perfectly reasonable.

It sounds as if you've fallen into the same trap I did with dc1 though and you think you need to be permanently doing something, anything, for your baby. That isn't true! Ds never cried for even a minute before I cuddled / fed / changed him and if he was awake I was there, right next to him.

It was until dc2 was born that I realised I'd been slightly mad behaving like that. Dc2 had to wait sometimes because I was potty training dc1 / taking her brother to nursery / meeting friends etc and you know what? She is by FAR the more chilled out and independent of my children.

Go easy on yourself but also, I think, you need to accept you're going to be tired for a while. That's life with a new baby. I don't mean that to sound harsh but in all seriousness accepting that fact really helped me.

Also drink lots and lots, eat healthily and try and socialise and get some fresh air, it all does help I promise.

[BeaWheesht]

it wasnt* until dc3 was born...

[BiddyPop]

Lots of good advice already, so just a few ideas. Have plenty of snacks you can eat during the day, things like dried fruit, flapjacks or cereal bars, fresh fruit,...having a sambo in fridge, or makings of one, is good too. Tins of soup to just nuke and drink are useful.

In the morning, when DH is getting breakfast, make a flask of tea or coffee, whichever you like to drink. And make a hot drink then as well. The flask is to grab a cup on the go later in the day when you need it and have no chance of a break. And have water where you can grab it easily, maybe a couple of sports bottles scattered in different rooms that you wash and refill in the evenings.

Yes, changes and feeds are vital. But grab plenty of baby grows and vests, so that you don't have to go mad on washing, just do a load every couple of days in the evenings as part of the routine of sorting the house that you do together.

Try to think of meals that either can be prepped in easy stages during the day when you get 5 minutes, or the night before, or batch cooking at weekends. While you need to eat healthily to recover your own strength, that doesn't mean it has to be perfect homegrown, home cooked works of art. Throw meat in a freezer bag with marinade in the morning, peel potatoes and veg, putting them soaking in the pots on stove until ready to cook, get mixes for stews, potato wedges, and sauces to make things easier. There are good sauces, part prepped foods, rady meals that you can buy.

And don't put pressure on yourself.

[Florin]

I think asking him to do night feeds while he is working full time is unfair during the week. When you are on one wage it is really important he does his job properly as you don't want to risk him losing it (obviously your job is very important too!) However this is how we ran our days (we bottle fed too)
At around 7 dh would go downstairs and make himself a coffee and get me some juice and make ds a bottle. While he was doing that he would steralise bottles.
There is really no rush for you to get up. I would feed ds while dh got ready and then after he left we would fall back to sleep. For the first 6 weeks ds slept in our bed. When I felt ready I would shower with ds in the bouncer watching me, he normally hated the bouncer but enjoyed watching me shower. I would then get myself dressed hair done, make up etc ready to go out even if I had no plans just so I knew I could if I wanted.
We would then move to the sofa where I would set up on the coffee table a selection of drinks and easy to eat foods. I used to like eating ham. You can eat it straight out of the packet and I felt less lethargic filling up on protein rather than stoggy carbs, it also helped me shift the baby weight which boosted my self confidence. We then settled down with netflix and made our way through several box sets while I cuddled baby. I had all changing stuff downstairs too so all I really needed to get up for was the occasional bottle. As I was already up and dressed and always had pram/sling and baby bag packed if I ever found myself in the position where baby was fed, changed and reasonably contented I could just pop baby in pram put my shoes on and go out without much effort. I would then walk into town pop up to Waitrose and pick something out for dinner. We lived off the Waitrose bung in the oven meals. Thinks like chicken wrapped in Parma ham etc and served with just bagged salad so really easy and hardly any clearing up.
When dh got home I gave him 15 minutes to go to the loo, change in something more comfortable and get us a drink and then he would take over for a bit . We would then go to bed about 10 and he would bring up pre measure powder in one of those formula dispensers, bottles and a thermos of boiling water. That way I could make bottles without getting out of bed. Dh would do the midnight feed and I would do the rest. We did only basic cleaning which I did if I managed to put baby down or we would do it between us at the weekends.

[ukatlast]

I was a SAHM with both of mine and I did all the night feeds but we used to take it in turns to have a lie-in at weekends.
Not as early as 3 weeks but eventually I used to gleefully hand baby to husband as he walked in the door from his long commute and head off to the supermarket lol...that was my idea of a break and 'me-time' back then. He used to go to supermarket before that point.
OH was totally baby-focussed and happy to interact himself for long periods/change nappies etc etc but I didn't think it fair to expect him to get up in the night when he was working full-time. If I had needed help he would have done so and we did in the end do a lot of co-sleeping/musical beds just so everyone got a good night.
I think the best thing you can do is get a cleaner to take pressure off both of you, get some microwave meals in that you can heat up quickly, get your OH to feed you in the evenings and not just himself (why is he just doing himself?) with him holding baby whilst you do your essentials (eating/washing/relaxing).

Yes you should look after your baby but this also includes taking care of your own mental and physical health, going without food and drink is not helping anyone. I know it is difficult. I used to feel I couldn't shower unless DH was there amusing baby and indeed that never really changed.

It will get better your baby is still very young.

[ukatlast]

If you are not breastfeeding, if you an afford it, buy the pre-mixed formula to allow quicker night feeds.

[ukatlast]

...yes and definitely tumble-dry everything as someone else said. It is about making it all as easy as possible for you.

[SwayingBranches]

Yes he needs to do more, nevermind the whole he's working thing. Small babies don't stay small forever and you need to get through this phase intact.

This is what we did with ds2 who was a velcro screamer.

We slept separately, I called on dh from 5am onwards, sometimes 4am, so if I've had little sleep I can catch up and sleep till 8am, or if I needed to breastfeed earlier, and dh would get ready for work.

dh came home at lunch so I could have a break and have lunch myself. Obviously he works close enough for that so not always feasible.

dh took over as soon as he came home and I would make tea, as that was a break! Then we'd take turns in the evening. But mostly dh walked up and down the living room with ds as it was the only way he would fall asleep.

While ds remained velcro and screamy for a long while things did get better! Like dh could get up at 6 and I would have until 7 in bed just free of baby.

There are a lot of things on this thread that are helpful, but they also put all the pressure on you to do the work, on you to compensate for the lack of help. Do not compensate, make sure your partner does his fair share, especially early on, otherwise it gets entrenched that you are the one who does all the child stuff and they are free to have their "me time" after work etc.

[SwayingBranches]

I find it strange that suddenly men's sleep needs ring fencing and protecting when a baby comes along when normal life usually includes working after nights out, working while ill, working after bouts of insomnia, working after playing on the computer until 2am, and all other manner of non-perfect night's sleep, while their partner gets ground into the floor.