To want a little more help, and be able to eat a meal occasionally?!

[cookiemonster5678]

I have a 3 week old baby who is my first born, I absolutely adore him and am enjoying my new life as a mum... He does cry a fair bit, and wants to be cuddled upto me rather than in a bouncer chair or moses basket, which leaves me with very little time to get jobs done during the day,

Am I being totally unreasonable to want my partner who works full time to help me a little more during the night, and also want time to eat a proper meal?

I couldn't have asked more from my partner during his time at home after the birth, I had a traumatic labour and was unable to do as much as I would have liked at first. He did all the night feeds, most of the day feeds, all nappy changes, bottle sterilising etc etc etc and left me to enjoy cuddles with the baby and recover from the labour. I am not moaning about him, he is brilliant with the baby and we have just sort of slipped into a way of doing things that I am not entirely happy with.

Since he has gone back to work (full time) we have fallen into a routine where as well as looking after the baby all day I do every night feed Sunday - Thursday, and he takes over Friday and Saturday. During the weekends I still end up waking up when he does the night feeds as I am a light sleeper and struggle to fall back to sleep. During the week he sleeps right through the night and gets up at 7am for work, I have usually been up for at least an hour if not more by this point. I am utterly exhausted.

During the day I don't have time to make a decent meal to eat, and end up picking at food when I get a minute. This is leaving me more drained and with little energy.

I just cried and cried when he left for work this morning, mainly because I miss him so much when he leaves us, but also because I still hadn't eaten breakfast, knew I wouldn't get chance too, and was knackered from being awake the best part of 4 hours in the night.

I have just taken the baby into the kitchen, and he finally fell asleep in his chair to the sound of the tumble dryer. I feel rotten doing this, but I made myself a lovely nutritious meal, and left the baby in the kitchen to go to the sitting room and eat. I did keep nipping back in to check he was ok. Was this mean of me? I was just so desperate for some food that I had the shakes!

When my partner gets in from work he takes a while to get himself organised, he has a bath, then makes himself some food, prepares for work the next day etc so while he is doing that I still cant hand baby over and usually end up doing a further nappy change and feed. It can be anything around 7-8pm before we are all settled down to spend time together and I can get a rest.

What I am mainly asking for advice on, is would I be unreasonable to suggest to my partner that he helps a little during the week when he arrives home, and with night feeds?

I completely get that he works full time and needs his sleep, but I also feel that I need to be more awake and alert to look after our baby during the day. I am thinking maybe he could get up once out of the 3 times the baby wakes? Or we could each do night feeds on alternate nights throughout the whole week? Any other suggestions welcome too...

I also understand he has been at work all day, but he has had a lunch hour and a full nights sleep, I have not.

Or as a stay at home mother should I be doing it all, and leave him to sleep during the week nights?

Sorry for rambling, I am a very tired new mum trying to get used to it all!!

[nevermindthecat]

Packed lunch for himself I presume?

I think a lot of the answers here depend hugely on the partners job. If his work is very physical I understand him wanting to have a bath or shower. If he's a teacher he will need to prepare for the next day. They are just two examples springing to mind.

I don't think anybody should be doing it all but with such a young baby the roles seem to me to be caring and providing. It stands to reason one will do more of one while the other will do the other.

[minibmw2010]

Speak to your DH. It sounds like he's only been back at work, maybe a week or so since the baby? He probably just doesn't realise if you haven't said anything that you need more from him. Point out his nice evening routine that worked so well before the baby just isn't working so well right now and could he either stop it or at least cut the time down a bit. I used to basically hand over the baby and go sit in the bathroom for a little while just to breath by myself. Do that a couple of times and I'm sure his routine will change rather sharpish. Or, just speak to him, give him a chance to realise you need help. He sounds like a good man, give him a chance to help you.

[WilsonFrickett]

No problem with a wee and cuppa tea nevermind but OP said:

When my partner gets in from work he takes a while to get himself organised, he has a bath, then makes himself some food, prepares for work the next day etc so while he is doing that I still cant hand baby over and usually end up doing a further nappy change and feed.

He can do all of that once the witching hour is over and OP has had a bit of a break and some food, surely?

[NorwegianBirdhouse]

I remember how hard it was with my DS now 2. Like you I got woken during the night and found it hard to get back to sleep thinking, 'I've only got three hours before he wakes again' so I was uptight. Then during the day, the last thing I wanted to do was try to get to sleep again. I wanted some head space. When he napped during the day, I was still on edge doing bottles etc and for months didn't really think of eating lunch as i had no appetite - living on my nerves a bit waiting for first baby to wake up and yell at me.

My DH took 2 weeks off and was great. When he went back we tried sharing the night feeds but each had a short night which was hard. Next we tried swapping night about and that helped a lot because on your night off you can relax your body and say, 'I have 8 whole hours to sleep.'

Talk you your DH about the evenings. Why a bath? Would a quick shower not suffice? and while making his tea, couldn't he make yours, or prepare your lunch for next day.

It is early at 3 weeks and does get a lot better but make some changes. Just because you are at home does not mean you have loads of time to catch up on your rest.

[eastdulwichbedwetter]

Congratulations!

Of course he should help you and make things easy for you both.

It's a suggestion, but I found woven wraps great as I could have my children sleeping/bfeeding on me while I cooked and emptied washing machines, went shopping etc etc.

I found feeding on the move best in an ergo with an insert as you have to be careful about breathing and feeding in stretchies if you are occupied.

Just don't do what I did and continue this until they are three.....

back goes

[waterrat]

Well re nights I don't think it's fair that you feel completely destroyed and he feels normal. Tbh what jumps out more is his evening routine - is he having a laugh?! He needs to walk in and take the baby pretty sharpish - or at least within half an hour after getting changes etc

Tell him you are struggling and need help as soon as he walks in - the pair of you need to e more organised about food - whenever he prepares food he should make extra and put aside for you.

What you are going through is really common - the nights will get easier - I think perhaps you would be better dividing it up rather than asking for every third waking - can he do wake ups until 11 then take the baby from 6am?

[TheScience]

You definitely need a better routine (for you and your DH, rather than the baby!).

He gets in from work at 6? 6.30pm? Quick shower and a change and he takes over with the baby and does the next feed and nappy change
You get a break
One or other of you makes dinner - either make double portions so you only cook every other day, or do a load of batch cooking for the freezer at the weekend so dinner just means reheating
How about you get a bath and some downtime while he does baby care?
If you and the baby go to bed at say 9.30pm/10pm, he still has time after that to make lunch for him AND you for the next day
You do the night shift, he can then get up with the baby at 6am while you get an extra hours sleep, then bring a fed, changed baby and a cup of tea and toast for you in bed while he gets ready for work.

[hogsandkisses]

The way I see it, you both work full time at the moment. Your hours are the same minus the fact that he travels to work and has a lunch break, so perhaps your work day is 2 hrs longer than his. Looking after a baby is also a job. If you had a "real" full time job, would you even ask if he could help you (e.g. with cooking and cleaning) in the evening? Of course he should take his responsibility when he's not at work.

[formerbabe]

If your baby is fed/dry/safe, you can put him/her down to get some food/jump in shower etc...

Mums with two or more children have to do this all the time...if they didn't their other kids wouldn't eat/get dressed/get to school!

[NoodleOodle]

Could you do something like take a full hour or even two to yourself once he's finished his bath and work prep, so you get a complete break time for own bath, leave the house for a walk, and move your evening meal together to a later one? I'm sure you'll be able to work something out that works for you both, you'll just need to communicate and be willing to experiment, it might take a few different arrangements before you settle into a routine that suits all three of you.

[BackforGood]

Congratulations!!
But it is a SHOCK to the system isn't it ?
First, remember it's very early days, and it does get a bit easier once you get used to it - I presume this has been your first week on your own ?
People can throw all sorts of advice out on here, and you should read it all and try whatever you think will work for you - there is no right or wrong way. Personally I never got on with a sling or baby carrier of any sort, but I know others felt they were a godsend.
Am also a bit confused about your dh "making himself some food" when he gets in - why aren't you both catering for each other when one of you gets the chance to make something ?
If you have a slow cooker, then he (or you if he's got the baby) can prepare stuff in the evening, and then just tip it all in the slow cooker when he is having breakfast, then you can both dip in and eat when you are ready and it cooks itself and keeps itself warm - can make enough for you to have for lunch the next day too, just pop in the microwave for a few mins.
Don't be worried about having the odd ready meal and take away either, or, if someone says to you 'Let me know if there's anything I can do' the take them up on their offer and see if they'll either make you a lasagne or cottage pie or something, or if they will come and hold the baby while you do it.
What worked for us was me going to bed at around 7.30 / 8pm and dh feeding them at that 11pm/11.30 / midnight time, then by the time I got up at 2.30 / 3am, I'd had a nice solid block of 6 - 7 hrs sleep which REALLY helps - it's hard to cope if you are not getting enough sleep.

Oh, and agree with all those who say sometimes you just have to put the baby down in pram or Moses basket or whatever, you can have it in the kitchen and still be in view and still talk to them. You have to do it so they are safe if you are handling something hot, even if they are screamers, but most babies get used to the idea.

Oh, and don't be too hard on yourself - it IS lifechanging

[BackforGood]

That was a bit long

[Katnisscupcake]

Do you know, it really touched a nerve when you said about your DH mooching around after work before 'finally' taking over. This used to grate on me more than anything when I was on mat leave and I had a wonderfully quiet baby (on occasion I was known to scream with excitement when she woke up because I knew it was cuddle time ).

After a long day of washing, feeding, cleaning and NO adult conversation at all, I just wanted DH to take her when he got in from work so that I could just have some time on my own, even to make the tea or do some cleaning, but be ON MY OWN. But he would spend ages after work having a shower, going to the loo (with a flamin' magazine!!) etc etc. But I felt like I couldn't complain because he'd been at work all day, but it drove me mad.

DD is now 4.5 years old - he still does it now when he's been at work on a Friday which is my day off - gggrrrrrr...

Sorry, not at all helpful to you but I TOTALLY get where you are coming from on that.

[theywillgrowup]

your dh sounds pretty good to be honest

maybe he could help out watching baby say maybe when you fancy a bath (i used to take babe in bath and bf at same time)worked out pretty well,lol

but i do think you should and are doing the lions share if he's working and hes also doing nights at the weekend

you should be able to eat etc,maybe trying to organize your time a bit better if you can

sorry but i do think your being a tad unreasonable

it will get better

[ProfPlumSpeaking]

Firstly, congratulations.

Secondly, poor you - you sound exhausted and struggling. For the very short term, can you get your mum or any good friend to come and lend a hand by taking baby for an hour or two during the day so you can bathe/ relax/ eat? Medium term, you and your DP will need to figure it out between you. I suspect you have a part to play in this: your baby honestly will not come to any harm in a cot crying for half an hour (and prob he won't even cry for anything like that long) whilst you do things you need to get done. IN fact, it will enable him to realise that he is perfectly safe in his cot. If you don't look after yourself (washing, eating at the most basic) then you soon won't be able to properly care for him.

It sounds like your DP is already doing quite a lot in terms of nights if he is doing Friday and Saturday, but he doesn't seem to realise that your day doesn't stop at 5.30pm so neither can his. I also was a bit worried when you said he makes "himself" something to eat. At the very least he should be cooking for you too if he is in the kitchen preparing food. And possibly making you a packed lunch for the next day too whilst you are struggling.

I also totally get where you are coming from but you might need to spell it out for your DP.....I never really managed that with mine and never quite forgave him for not realising/noticing/ caring but really I should have been clearer and more specific.

[FruitSaladIsNotPudding]

You poor thing, sounds tiring. My dh also used to make me a sandwich before he went to work - something really filling like peanut butter and jam or tuna mayo to fill me up if I didn't get a chance to get anything else.

Also, I think he does need to get into a routine of mucking in straight away when he gets home. Then, when your dc is older, it'll mean an hour or two of sorting bath/food/tidying together, THEN settling down to relax once the child is in bed - and it probably won't be too long before he is sleeping in the evening, and that will make such a difference to you.

[FruitSaladIsNotPudding]

Sorry, pressed post too early. If he carries on taking an hour or two for himself when he gets in, he'll miss your ds entirely in the evening - my two are out for the night by 7! So he may as well change that routine now IMO.

[Leonas]

If he is working full time, i do think you need to let him sleep during the week. My DP works upwards of 80hours a week doing 2 jobs and I don't expect him to get up at all during the night (or we let him sleep during the day if he is on nights). Our wee one is 9weeks. Tbh, I think you are lucky to have a DP who does as much as he does already - but maybe I am just jealous!
I had to learn to just put my lo down and eat during the day - you will learn to eat quickly but it is better than nothing!

[FruitSaladIsNotPudding]

I don't think that because he is working full time, that means he should get totally unbroken sleep while the op copes with everything else. Her mental and physical health are important too, and a couple need to come to a compromise which they can both live with. My dds were both crap sleepers and while I did all the night feeds because they were ebf, my dh helped in the night too. I would have been ill through sleep deprivation if he hadn't.

[Nanny0gg]

Your DP needs to help when he gets in. He can 'unwind' later.

Have you room for a baby swing? My DGC absolutely loved theirs.

[GinSoakedMisery]

Congratulations on your new baby.

You're still very early on in your new parent role, as is your DH. You need to come to a compromise as to what works best for both of you and obviously ATM what you're doing isn't working. Ask him when he comes in to take the baby off you while you do something else. Why doesn't he cook for you while he is cooking for himself?

When I had DS1 I found the first few months of maternity leave so hard. DH worked 8-6 5 days a week. We did eventually get into a routine that worked. He came in from work, had a quick wash, then was handed the baby for the rest of the night. He bathed, fed and put ds1 to bed while I cooked and had a glass of wine relaxed a bit. I'd do the majority of the night feeds, DH helped if I was exhausted. We each got a lie in at the weekend, DH on Saturday and myself on Sunday. DH also made all the bottles for the day before going to work, back then we made 24 hours worth of feeds up, not sure of today's guidelines.

And yes to putting baby down while you eat, you need to make sure your needs are getting met as well, you'll make yourself ill by not eating and drinking. Do you have a play mat? Maybe invest in a swing.

[pinkdelight]

I think the nights sound fair enough as they are. It's just hard in these early days, but be nice to yourself and don't put any pressure on yourself to have any jobs done or such thing. I ate a lot of porridge and (reasonably nutritious) ready meals, or things from the freezer warmed up (could you batch cook at weekends) or, to be honest, lots of muffins! And it does really help to do the tumble dryer thing or use the white noise phone app, whatever works at this stage. It will pass and you'll catch up on your sleep in dribs and drabs through the day. If he's working, he can't be up all hours during the week. Just try to take it easy when you can.

[DewClawDisaster]

In the evening, one of you prepares food for the next day - so 2 packed lunches, and the prep for the next evening's dinner, ready to be slung in the slow cooker or wok etc. I found having a lunch for me in the fridge really worked in terms of eating during the day - it's there, ready to be taken with one hand whenever you need it. When you get to going to groups etc, it means you always have a packed lunch to take out with you too.

Also, have a thermos mug and make some soup in batches, have par-bake rolls in the freezer - easy, filling food on the go.

Have sports cap bottles of water around and about so you keep hydrated too.

I couldn't have survived without my stretchy wrap sling, allowed me to care for my velcro pfb and still eat/drink/wee/walk the dog etc.

Whenever the baby settles for a nap, you have a wee, make some tea and then nap or relax with a book etc. Do nothing else for a while. If your DH is getting good sleep, then he needs to be taking up the slack with household tasks.

This bit will get better, it doesn't go on forever. Promise.