to despise MIL because of all this? LONG

[22honey]

This may be long. To put it short, I've never thought much of future MIL as a mother. She has been an alcoholic her entire life, never takes responsibility for anything (got 2 dogs for the kids when they were young, when kids moved out said she didnt want them and left them to rot in her house while she went out getting pissed, barely fed them, never walked them and when we moved in they were a state which I had to sort out, feeding and walking them everyday, as an animal lover this infuriated me!), never worked, had loads of kids and just sat on benefits her whole life having pissheads in her house drinking. She encourages OH's brother to drug deal and has even tried it with OH in the past. She is extremely emotionally immature, passive aggressive and needy. She relies on her kids emotionally and plays silly mind games and gives the silent treatment if they dont bend to her whims. Me and OH are in our early 20s and expecting our first baby.

To put it blunt, she dragged DP and his brothers and sisters up. She goes out getting drunk all day then comes home at night passive aggressively ranting about rubbish. We lived at hers for a while, we were manipulated to moving in as MIL was never there (she was busy at the time living with pregnant SIL and her BF trying to interfere in their relationship) and we were of the opinion we'd be staying here alone. This is what we were told, and we gave up stupidly our own nice rented house to move here. Obviously that changed and MIL came back, brought another SIL who has serious emotional and addiction problems (this is what Il eventually get onto) with her and turned the house into a pisshead's drunk den even having the cheek to invite two strange blokes over for a few days to get drunk whilst I HAD NO BEDROOM DOOR! OH was absoloutely furious but the control freak MIL is he was told he now doesnt have a say despite being told when we moved here it would be like our house. Again it was just one of MIL's manipulation tactics to get OH to move home so she could try and get him to pander to all her emotional needs.

Before anyone says it I am grateful despite the fact in 30 years her run down council house has never been refurbished or had anything done to it, is an utter craphole like a doss house and the entire house hasnt ever had any flooring. No bedroom doors were on the house since DP was a teenager- MIL thinks this is normal! She also thinks its normal to have a doors open to anyone policy which is utterly awful and chaotic to live with.

She has treated me with a lot of passive aggressive disrespect whilst I have been at hers, she sat on my dog squashing it whilst drunk and refused to move, she is always coming out with pathetic comments like to shoot my cat even though she said we could bring the pets here!! I honestly cannot stand to be around her.

She is a nightmare and DP agrees, such as she tries to make it a competition between me and her and puts DP on the spot such as for example if there is tea being made DP will always bring me mine first (he puts me first in everything!) and his mother sits there and goes 'Oh is it favouritism now!' and 'So she comes before your own mother!' and each time DP has to be in the situation of saying 'Yes, she comes first everytime'. I too feel awkward given the look on MIL's face when she has to be told.

However, the reason I hate her runs much deeper, something I only found out about 3 months ago. Now don't get me wrong, I have sympathy for MIL and know she has had a bad time in life. But IMO there is just no excuse ever for this. Basically oldest SIL whos in her 30s was sexually abused by her GF from being 5 years old. This came about because MIL left her in his care alone whilst she WENT OUT GETTING DRUNK. Now, of course if MIL hadnt known her father was a dangerous paedophile this would have been different but MIL knew full well because years later when SIL finally spoke up about it (he went to prison for it eventually) all MIL could do was play the victim and say 'it happened to me' whilst crying and trying to gain sympathy (it also happened to her siblings however none of them were so irresponsible and selfish as to leave their kids with the guy). Well I'm sorry but is that any excuse for not taking responsibility for your own child and leaving them alone with someone you knew was a violent paedophile for years just so you COULD GET DRUNK?

SIL is in a really bad way emotionally, mentally, she is incredibly ill and tbh probably won't live till 45. MIL takes no responsibility whatsoever and when SIL has tried to talk to her she merely plays the victim that it happened to her. Well yes, I am sorry for that truly but that doesnt negate the fact YOU were the adult with the responsibility of protecting your child and you didn't do that because you wanted to go out socializing. It makes me utterly sick tbh.

Im sorry but AIBU for really hating MIL for this and thinking she is truly the epitome of a shockingly awful mother? I havnt said this to DP as dont want to upset him and he already knows I dont like his mother. He was brought up to never question or criticize his mother (no wonder given how truly awful she is!) and I can tell he feels guilty when he has too and it makes him angry. DP only found out about SIL etc when I did. It was hidden from him and only him (hes the youngest) his entire life, and the bitter side of me just thinks so he'll go on thinking MIL is a bloody saint which she is far from.

Not to mention MIL has no self awareness whatsoever and seems to think shes the best mother in the world because she spat out loads of kids and amazingly they all made it to adulthood. Well yes she did but she did a shocking job bringing them all up, never did anything whatsoever to try and improve any of their lives and merely wallowed in self pity her entire life expecting her kids to pick up the pieces. I would rather take advice from someone who had less kids but actually did a decent job of bringing them up.

I could go on forever about how awful, sly and manipulative she is but this is getting long now. Am I wrong for despising MIL for all this and feeling I don't want her having too much contact with my child when its born?

MIL is also always bitching about all her kids partners behind their back, she hates that anyone else has taken their attention off her. She is also the kind of person who does little 'favours' for people due to having ulterior motives and wanting you to feel you are in debt to her. Her behaviour is not normal for a mid 50s woman.

She is really unsuitable but I dont want to offend DP saying she can't look after the child alone when its born, but tbh I really dont want her too. He knows she is a nightmare and is an alcoholic but I think it hurts him, he has a hard time critisizing her and will make excuses for her when he can (which isnt often as her behaviour is so awful and plain to see manipulative and immature). She sees all her kids and grandkids as an extension of herself rather than their own people and DP and his siblings have several noticeable character flaws due to being brought up in her chaotic, alcoholic household. I will add MIL and FIL arnt together anymore, she hates him and slates him as a father (she is no better!). He is a heroin addict but is a nice man in general and isnt in denial like she is and doesnt encourage his kids to drug deal and never work like she does.

MIL's victim mentality mindset has really brainwashed most of her kids all through the years, the mindset inflicted on them is that their mother can do no wrong, is to be absolved from all criticism and it there to be looked after like a baby. DP quite frankly is sick of it and the chaos and we can't wait to move out.

[ohfourfoxache]

No, I understand that saucy, but I have taken it from your posts that you understand why mil left her own children with this man monster, therefore perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

I completely understand why the mil would want to blot everything out (she must have been to hell and, probably, stayed there). Yes, the man who raped his family is to blame, but the mil should not have left her own dc in that position. It doesn't matter what happens in life, your priority should be your dc. End of.

[paxtecum]

Honey:
Exactly what 'quietlysuggests' says.

Best wishes to you.

[22honey]

'Dh's dbro is a lovely, lovely man...very caring, kind, funny. The kids genuinely love him. BUT he's also an alcoholic in denial, has been in and out of police stations since he was 12, and lurches from one life disaster to another. He has such low self esteem I could weep and no sense of self-worth or ambition. I am confident in saying that due to a more sensitive nature, the way he is is likely down to MIL. Dh as a general rule is much less emotional, more laid back and I think found it 'easier' to put up with MIL over the years.'


This is exactly like SIL and DP. SIL has been in and out of prostitution, has resigned herself to dying on oxygen in the next few years and is very very emotionally immature. She is like her mother in a lot of ways but I feel more sorry for her because she had it all inflicted on her. MIL's mother was a great woman who died last year and was nothing like MIL. MIL had a good role model as a mother to look up to. SIL has never had that.

My DP is like yours, much more laid back and less emotional and yes finds it much easier to put up with MIL than most people do. He is a generally happy person and very chilled. IMO he has the patience of a saint putting up with MIL all these years. He must have. Even SIL gets annoyed with her drunken rants and SIL is a heroin & crack addict!

I will add DP doesnt even drink he has no substance abuse problems and hates it all, which isnt surprising given what hes lived with his whole life.

[22honey]

'I completely understand why the mil would want to blot everything out (she must have been to hell and, probably, stayed there). Yes, the man who raped his family is to blame, but the mil should not have left her own dc in that position. It doesn't matter what happens in life, your priority should be your dc. End of.'

This is my point, I have sympathy for what MIL has been through but I do not accept it absolves you of responsibility for protecting your kids. I am not saying MIL is at fault for what the man did, it is no ones but his. But she failed miserably to protect her own child from a danger she knew and that is what I find unforgiveable.

[LadyBeagleEyes]

Why on earth are you still living with her?
Just leave and only have contact when it suits you.

[ohfourfoxache]

Where are you moving to, honey? As in, how far away? (Not trying to out you!)

[22honey]

I will add the whole family isnt chaotic, its really just DP's parents and oldest SIL who are in a dire state. We will be moving to the next town locally, not too close and not too far away. MIL never bothers leaving her town and barely her estate anyway so wont have to worry much about unexpected visits. I feel bad feeling this way about my DP's mother but I cannot help it.

[PortofinoRevisited]

Why are you even there? I cannot comment on your DP but I would not have put up with living in these circumstances, with these people, if there was one single thing I could do about it - and that would include leaving a partner. I would not put up with such shit, let alone bring a new baby into it all. Leave, cut them off totally. Your DP will make his own choice I guess.

[GimmeDaBoobehz]

I haven't nothing else to add but of course you're not unreasonable at all for feeling the way you do.

Just be glad that your partner has managed to be such a stable person, because it's against the odds there.

[ohfourfoxache]

Don't feel bad! Please!

There has been damage to the family in whatever way shape or form that may take. But it is your responsibility to limit that damage for your dc. And for you, and for your DP

[harriet247]

Cut them out totally.move as far as you can. She sounds like a nightmare but its your life and you have to take charge of it

[22honey]

Porto DP is totally on my side and says it is a nightmare, we were both lied to and manipulated about the circumstances of living here before we moved in. MIL was not living her the first few months and everything was fine. It was when she came back living here (which we wernt told she was doing) it all went to pot.

DP is keen to move out (infact it was his idea) and wouldnt dream of choosing his mother and living here over me and our child. I know everything will be fine once we move out I was just wanting advice on whether I was unreasonable for disliking MIL for the reasons in the first post.

DP has been told under no certain terms she isnt having our child alone, and although he looked upset he accepted it. I just feel bad though, I feel like I shouldnt have to say these things about my partners mother and wish I could like her and get on with her, its just impossible since I found out what she did. I dont blame MIL for wanting to get drunk but as a mother it was her duty to put her kids before herself and she didnt and never has.

[Cranky01]

Op
Can I ask very gently whether your dp would consider leaving your baby in her care? As this would worry me a lot.

I wouldn't worry about hurting his feeling but of worry if he wasn't of the same opinion as me

[ohfourfoxache]

Please do not feel bad! Some shit is outside of your control!

[CouthyMow]

I was raped as a 4yo. My mother was too drunk to notice. There is no WAY my DC's are around my mother unsupervised. I accept that my mother has been through some godawful shirt in her own childhood - but there is NEVER an excuse for knowingly putting your own child in harm's way. Which my mother did.

In 16 years my DC's haven't been alone with my mother. And never will be. We aren't completely NC, I speak on the phone with her, and we see her in very short bursts, in MY home, for around two hours max, just on birthdays and at Christmas. No more than that.

OP, YANBU. He may not want to go completely NC, but moving out AND not allowing her to EVER be unsupervised with your DC's is EXACTLY the right thing to do.

[CouthyMow]

Having been in the situation, I can't understand why ANY parent, regardless of what had happened to them, would knowingly put their DC in harm's way.

It has made me want to do everything in my power to keep my DC's safe, surely that's the reasonable, normal way yo react yo having been abused? To ensure the safety of your DC's??!!

[DamnBamboo]

Way too long.
What is with all these ridiculously long first posts lately?

[ohfourfoxache]

Damn, I'm sorry to be so rude, but rtft or don't. But don't come on here complaining about the length of threads, which you have been forewarned about, just to complain. Some posters have problems that can't be summarised, and even if they can, why should they.

[22honey]

No he wouldnt not alone, hes been told he cant anyway but I can tell this fact makes him sad. It cant be nice to admit to yourself your mother isnt fit to look after a child. As I said shes always had them living in denial and thinking she is a saintly perfect mother never to be criticized. I've been with my DP since he was 16 and he only started realising how fucked up his homelife was when he became an adult and met more people and families. His mother had only ever associated with other dysfunctional addicted families and their kids, so he was of the opinion it was normal throughout his childhood. All this about SIL has been a huge shock to him as you can imagine. DP was never told even the abusive GF's name, he obviously never met him and it was all kept a massive secret from him.

It angers me seeing the effect she has on my DP. Like when his gran was dying and MIL was meant to be at the house with her that day, she was ringing him up out the blue telling him to go and see to her because MIL was out (during the day!) getting drunk with other alcoholics. DP went crazy at her and was really upset. As said she takes no responsibility.

DP is of the same opinion of me but doesnt like to talk about it much.

My own mother had depression issues several years ago where she needed inpatient help, luckily shes been stable and fine for years now but I wouldnt have left my child in her care whilst she was in an unstable state. The unfortunate difference between my mother and his is my mother takes responsibility for her own issues so as not to inflict any misery she feels on her kids. Her mother never got help for her issues and committed suicide at a time when my mother and auntie really needed her and subsequently my mother has always done all she can to assure any illness is under control and she is stable, for our sake because she couldnt put us through the same. She made an effort to get well, she didnt and never has wallow in her own self pity and it worked, shes been stable and well for years now. My mother has never had substance abuse problems which make her incapable of looking after herself nevermind someone else. MIL however has never done anything to address any of her issues she has just played the victim and allowed it to continue regardless of how it has affected any of her kids.

But thats my point I wouldnt let my own mother in an unstable state look after my child so his can't either, and unfortunately she is unwilling to work through the many issues she has.

[22honey]

Damboo, I did post LONG in the thread title and it is long because I wanted to explain the situation in as much detail as possible as it is rather complicated (in my eyes!).

You dont need to read and comment if you cant be bothered :)

[MaryWestmacott]

OP - having seen your update that you're out of there in 2 weeks time, just hold on. however, I think you need to be prepared that your laid back DP might need to face a few realities once he becomes a parent himself. Right now, he is excusing his mum's behaviour in his own mind, but when faced with the emotions of being a parent himself, the level of her failings towards him and his siblings might hit him. When he realises he'd crawl over hot coals than allow anyone to harm his DC, the idea that his mum was prepared to leave her DD with a man she new would abuse her might suddenly stop being "that's just how mum is" and become "how the fuck could she do that?"

I would avoid slagging his family off to your DP too much (I know, I know, tempting to do!) but that might make him defensive. Allow him to get away and see it himself.

[22honey]

CouthyMow exactly how I feel, which is why I just cannot forget or forgive what MIL did. I cannot understand it. I have been abused myself and like you said it makes you want to protect your DCs even more. The fact it didnt have this affect on MIL I find sinister and theres no way I can ever warm to her now. She will not be having contact with my child unless I am there.

[22honey]

Mary yes I do avoid slagging his family off (its only really MIL I feel like slagging off! :D), even though he does it himself but you can tell the discomfort he feels when having to do it with regards to his mother. He has no problem whatsoever pointing the flaws out of other family members but his mother was always different. He'll acknowledge shes a nightmare but would rather not talk about it.

His attitude towards her has changed recently though and he has been being rather touchy with her and basically like he doesnt give a shit how she feels or what she thinks. This has obviously come as a shock to MIL who has been sulking and giving him the silent treatment, but he just doesnt rise to it, says he doesnt care and ignores her. Hes more interested in planning our future together, and couldnt care less if its not near MIL. He actually said he doesnt want to be too close to her (shes very interfering). Im sure his sudden distaste and indifference towards her is because of what he learnt not too long ago, and how he feels about our future baby.

Its hard when your MIL is a nightmare because you feel like a cow for stating it how it is, maybe thats because of old age traditions that the MIL should be respected? I dont agree if shes a nightmare but MIL seems to (conveniently) believe this myth!

I never planned having a child here it was quite unexpected and no way would I ever have considered not moving before the baby is born. DP also knows it has to be done. Thankyou for all your advice and I feel better now I know Im not being unreasonable for taking a huge dislike to MIL for leaving her child with someone she knew was a paedophile.

[innisglas]

Your husband sounds lovely actually, why would you break up with him? Al Anon is a very good organisation for the relatives of alcoholics, so you and/or your Dh might find it helpful.