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AIBU?

to despise MIL because of all this? LONG

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22honey · 08/02/2014 19:13

This may be long. To put it short, I've never thought much of future MIL as a mother. She has been an alcoholic her entire life, never takes responsibility for anything (got 2 dogs for the kids when they were young, when kids moved out said she didnt want them and left them to rot in her house while she went out getting pissed, barely fed them, never walked them and when we moved in they were a state which I had to sort out, feeding and walking them everyday, as an animal lover this infuriated me!), never worked, had loads of kids and just sat on benefits her whole life having pissheads in her house drinking. She encourages OH's brother to drug deal and has even tried it with OH in the past. She is extremely emotionally immature, passive aggressive and needy. She relies on her kids emotionally and plays silly mind games and gives the silent treatment if they dont bend to her whims. Me and OH are in our early 20s and expecting our first baby.

To put it blunt, she dragged DP and his brothers and sisters up. She goes out getting drunk all day then comes home at night passive aggressively ranting about rubbish. We lived at hers for a while, we were manipulated to moving in as MIL was never there (she was busy at the time living with pregnant SIL and her BF trying to interfere in their relationship) and we were of the opinion we'd be staying here alone. This is what we were told, and we gave up stupidly our own nice rented house to move here. Obviously that changed and MIL came back, brought another SIL who has serious emotional and addiction problems (this is what Il eventually get onto) with her and turned the house into a pisshead's drunk den even having the cheek to invite two strange blokes over for a few days to get drunk whilst I HAD NO BEDROOM DOOR! OH was absoloutely furious but the control freak MIL is he was told he now doesnt have a say despite being told when we moved here it would be like our house. Again it was just one of MIL's manipulation tactics to get OH to move home so she could try and get him to pander to all her emotional needs.

Before anyone says it I am grateful despite the fact in 30 years her run down council house has never been refurbished or had anything done to it, is an utter craphole like a doss house and the entire house hasnt ever had any flooring. No bedroom doors were on the house since DP was a teenager- MIL thinks this is normal! She also thinks its normal to have a doors open to anyone policy which is utterly awful and chaotic to live with.

She has treated me with a lot of passive aggressive disrespect whilst I have been at hers, she sat on my dog squashing it whilst drunk and refused to move, she is always coming out with pathetic comments like to shoot my cat even though she said we could bring the pets here!! I honestly cannot stand to be around her.

She is a nightmare and DP agrees, such as she tries to make it a competition between me and her and puts DP on the spot such as for example if there is tea being made DP will always bring me mine first (he puts me first in everything!) and his mother sits there and goes 'Oh is it favouritism now!' and 'So she comes before your own mother!' and each time DP has to be in the situation of saying 'Yes, she comes first everytime'. I too feel awkward given the look on MIL's face when she has to be told.

However, the reason I hate her runs much deeper, something I only found out about 3 months ago. Now don't get me wrong, I have sympathy for MIL and know she has had a bad time in life. But IMO there is just no excuse ever for this. Basically oldest SIL whos in her 30s was sexually abused by her GF from being 5 years old. This came about because MIL left her in his care alone whilst she WENT OUT GETTING DRUNK. Now, of course if MIL hadnt known her father was a dangerous paedophile this would have been different but MIL knew full well because years later when SIL finally spoke up about it (he went to prison for it eventually) all MIL could do was play the victim and say 'it happened to me' whilst crying and trying to gain sympathy (it also happened to her siblings however none of them were so irresponsible and selfish as to leave their kids with the guy). Well I'm sorry but is that any excuse for not taking responsibility for your own child and leaving them alone with someone you knew was a violent paedophile for years just so you COULD GET DRUNK?

SIL is in a really bad way emotionally, mentally, she is incredibly ill and tbh probably won't live till 45. MIL takes no responsibility whatsoever and when SIL has tried to talk to her she merely plays the victim that it happened to her. Well yes, I am sorry for that truly but that doesnt negate the fact YOU were the adult with the responsibility of protecting your child and you didn't do that because you wanted to go out socializing. It makes me utterly sick tbh.

Im sorry but AIBU for really hating MIL for this and thinking she is truly the epitome of a shockingly awful mother? I havnt said this to DP as dont want to upset him and he already knows I dont like his mother. He was brought up to never question or criticize his mother (no wonder given how truly awful she is!) and I can tell he feels guilty when he has too and it makes him angry. DP only found out about SIL etc when I did. It was hidden from him and only him (hes the youngest) his entire life, and the bitter side of me just thinks so he'll go on thinking MIL is a bloody saint which she is far from.

Not to mention MIL has no self awareness whatsoever and seems to think shes the best mother in the world because she spat out loads of kids and amazingly they all made it to adulthood. Well yes she did but she did a shocking job bringing them all up, never did anything whatsoever to try and improve any of their lives and merely wallowed in self pity her entire life expecting her kids to pick up the pieces. I would rather take advice from someone who had less kids but actually did a decent job of bringing them up.

I could go on forever about how awful, sly and manipulative she is but this is getting long now. Am I wrong for despising MIL for all this and feeling I don't want her having too much contact with my child when its born?

MIL is also always bitching about all her kids partners behind their back, she hates that anyone else has taken their attention off her. She is also the kind of person who does little 'favours' for people due to having ulterior motives and wanting you to feel you are in debt to her. Her behaviour is not normal for a mid 50s woman.

She is really unsuitable but I dont want to offend DP saying she can't look after the child alone when its born, but tbh I really dont want her too. He knows she is a nightmare and is an alcoholic but I think it hurts him, he has a hard time critisizing her and will make excuses for her when he can (which isnt often as her behaviour is so awful and plain to see manipulative and immature). She sees all her kids and grandkids as an extension of herself rather than their own people and DP and his siblings have several noticeable character flaws due to being brought up in her chaotic, alcoholic household. I will add MIL and FIL arnt together anymore, she hates him and slates him as a father (she is no better!). He is a heroin addict but is a nice man in general and isnt in denial like she is and doesnt encourage his kids to drug deal and never work like she does.

MIL's victim mentality mindset has really brainwashed most of her kids all through the years, the mindset inflicted on them is that their mother can do no wrong, is to be absolved from all criticism and it there to be looked after like a baby. DP quite frankly is sick of it and the chaos and we can't wait to move out.

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22honey · 09/02/2014 01:05

Yes, MIL is on long term sick benefits.

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