to still feel sad about wedding day, years on?

[darnedwetsinks]

Bit of background...DH and I are happily married, 7 years, together for 9. We've had and still have some very happy times and love each other but I've always, always felt I wasn't 'enough' for him. I'm pretty sure he finds me boring a lot of the time as I see him glazing over a lot when I chat to him. I'm probably quite boring :(He's not a chatty person with me and no matter what the topic, be it politics, hobbies, TV, it's really hard to get him to engage beyond one word answers at times though he does try, but you can see it's an effort.

On the other hand when he's with his friends or close family he really comes to life. It makes me so sad. He's animated, chatty, and I know deep down that although he loves me he prefers their company to mine. We do have very different interests and sometimes I feel we just don't click. I have friends and family members that I could spend hours and days with and we would never run out of things to talk about - it's just never been that way with him.

Anyway, our wedding day is one he has very happy memories of and often talks about with huge fondness and nostalgia.

I have different memories. Basically from the first opportunity he got ie once we reached the hotel he was off with his friends and family. I spent so much of the day just standing on my own or with other people and a few people made jokes about 'oh dear, lost your new husband already' as he spent the parts of the day he didn't 'have' to be with me either standing outside smoking and getting pissed with his friends/brother or just saying to me 'oh, there's X, just going to go over and chat' (not ever saying, come with me). The parts of the day we were together were lovely and he made a lovely speech but I remember just thinking, god, even on my wedding day he's more interested in other people.

Reading this back I'm aware I'm going to get accused of being needy and clingy and I'm really not, I just wished that on our wedding day we'd be together as a couple more and it makes me sad to remember. God I'm going to get flamed I think but I just needed to get this out and I would never say it to him, actually just writing this down has been quite cathartic!

[ApprenticeViper]

Have you asked him why he seems to be the life and soul of the party when anyone else is around, but can barely manage a syllable to you?

The subjects you've mentioned (politics, hobbies, TV) are fairly generic and should be topics that generate a conversation. What does he talk about to his friends and family?

[ZingSweetApple]

I'm sorry you feel this way.

(I have irritating memories about our wedding day, despite the fact that it was the best day of my life!)

have you told your DH that you are unhappy about the lack of communication?
I don't think you are needy or clingy btw.

[HearMyRoar]

I don't think you are needy or clingy but I really do wonder why you married someone you didn't really think wanted to be with you.

[Nomorepeppapig]

I could have written this! Apart from that fact that it doesn't really bother me! My husband isn't a chatty person either but is more chatty with friends. But to be honest so am I. We love being together but just don't talk that much. Well I talk he sort of listens! We mostly talk about our DC.
Our wedding day was lovely too. But in the evening we spent a lot of it with our own friends. Didn't think this was odd I think it happens at most weddings. What we your DH like on honeymoon?
If your feeling sad about it talk to him. Don't let it get you down.
I'm just happy to be with someone that I love and loves me and I really love that we just get on. It's never hard work, no big dramas.
I can understand how that's not enough for some pep lie though.
Xx

[darnedwetsinks]

I have told him a million times how I feel. He says he does enjoy my company and swears blind he finds me really interesting and fun to chat with - his actions speak differently though.
I married him because I love him and I know he does love me - but I don't think we're soulmates though I guess I did tell myself we were at the time..

[cory]

I think the crucial thing here is not what your wedding day was like but that you have always felt and still feel he doesn't appreciate you.

fwiw we have photos of dh at the wedding stuffing his face at the late night supper, totally oblivious of his bride, but they don't make me feel sad at all: I just laugh and tell myself that he knew he would have me forever, but he might never get a buffet like that again. If anything they make me feel more secure about our relationship. The difference, of course, is not in our weddings, nor in anything special about me: it's about in dh's ability to make me feel I am interesting and worth spending time with.

[ohhifruit]

I am sorry you feel this way however it sounds like the issue is bigger than just the wedding/memory of.
Is there anyway either of you can change the way you feel or are you destined to feel like this forever?

[Balaboosta]

Hmm. I think that this is a serious issue and not to be dismissed by saying you are 'needy and clingy'. You need to address this. It's a basic dynamic of your relationship and its not going to get better. But I would separate it from talking about the wedding day. Discuss with him what's happening NOW. ie - DH we have a problem. I am not feeling wanted. What are we going to do about this?

[Balaboosta]

PS - I do not think this is about asking for his reassurance (=needy) but about owning this as a problem that you - in the plural, as a couple - have.

[arethereanyleftatall]

Is it just the male members of his family he's chatty with? Maybe he's just a boys boy?
Remember he did marry you, you don't marry someone you don't enjoy being with. So, he does.

[ThoughtFox]

You don't think that perhaps he sees you as the one he can relax and be his real self with, and that he performs a little with others?

My DH is the life and soul in company, very quiet with me, but to be honest, he is actually the quiet guy, and he doesn't really like to spend too much time socialising.

[Thumbcat]

When he's being chatty with other people, do you join in the conversation too or do you stay quietly in the background?

[darnedwetsinks]

I think I've just come to accept it. I would love to be with someone who I can have amazing conversations with - I'm naturally a chatty person and love to discuss everything from last night's tv to the independence referendum. And I do. Just not with my DH. We have dcs and are a happy family and we do get along well but I've accepted he's never going to wake up and think I'm the most fascinating person in the world and hang off my every word. I wish he would, and I've told him it makes me sad, and he will try for a while, but you can't make yourself feel something you don't fee.

[Chippednailvarnish]

I think your wedding day is the least of your problems...

[Mamafratelli]

The thing is he's with you all the time, he is probably excited when he sees his friends and family and wants to catch up whereas with you it's just natural.

[midnightagents]

Yanbu! Please don't feel bad, I honestly could have written this post and can identify with a lot of what you are saying.

It's hard isnt it? Feeling like the comfy place to come back to whilst their real or fun life exists mainly apart from you. Especially it's hard if it doesn't work both ways. I think the only way to cope with it is to talk it through, let them know how you feel, & also build a life for yourself away from husband and the kids. Try new things. Get out in the world and make new friends. It's really hard, but trust me it works, and it gives you some new things to chat about.

[wouldbemedic]

This sounds very hard. I think it's crucial you do some work around this - both of you - because the marriage sounds pretty vulnerable in some ways, even if you are hiding your sadness well at the moment.

It's not about whether he finds you interesting or not. I think men often don't tend to find women that interesting when they see them all the time. Part of this is about the banality of married life. But there's a problem when your DH doesn't make you feel special. Not necessarily his fault because it has more to do with the dynamic of the relationship. I don't think your dynamic will change unless there's more honesty between you about this area of sadness. And there are things you can do about it. Do you have one night in the week that's just about you both going out together?

You don't say if you said anything about your DH's behaviour on your wedding day. I would have done because it was insensitive and rather shaming. If someone treated me like this I wouldn't care if he found me interesting or not.

For what it's worth, my wedding day was a bit awful. Our mothers didn't speak to each other because one of them had gone behind the other's back and moved the place settings around at the reception so the seating plan made no sense after promising she was fine with said seating plan... Awful.

[midnightagents]

Just wanted to add some more actually because I identify so much with what you are saying, hope you don't mind!

Everything you have said sums it up really well. I describe it to my partner as like I've come to accept that our relationship is not very passionate, and he's not a particularly passionate person, except it hurts when I'm reminded that he is - just not with me. I can see him really light up, but never around me. It's very hard, I've nearly ended things because of not being able to cope with it, but for dc sake want to work it out (and also I love him of/c).

Apart from, like I've said, trying some new things for yourself and boosting your confidence that way it's very hard to find solutions to the problem. It will normally come in moments when you are not trying or looking for it too hard. One thing is to never panda to it, or try to hard to impress him, stay 100% true to yourself or else the power balance in the relationship is likely to be unhealthy.

[EllaFitzgerald]

You don't sound at all boring to me. You do sound like you're taking the blame for him being boring though. Why is it always your job to entertain and engage him? What's he doing to entertain and engage you? It's supposed to be a two way thing.

[Bettercallsaul83]

I'm actually just like your husband, but female.

I'm sure my partner thinks I find him uninteresting and boring.. It's not true though. I guess I feel most at ease around him and find I am able to relax and be quieter. With friends and family I feel I have to make more effort to talk and be interested in them and the topic of conversation.

It must be awful though and apart from faking conversation then I'm not sure what you can do.

I think it stems from spending so much free time together, if I didn't see and speak to him for a few days or weeks (such as with friends and family), the there would be a lot to discuss. As it is, with texts and evening chats there isn't an awful lot of excitement in speaking together all the time if you aren't a chatty person by nature.

Try talking to him, but not sure you can change things after this long.

[DrunkenDaisy]

Oh darling, no flaming from me. You sound like such a sweetie, how would you feel about being more demanding or calling the shots more?

You sound like me in my 20s when I had a child with my then partner. I remarried in my 30s and learnt not to dismiss my feelings. I won't be taken for granted anymore and married a man who understands that. Actually I recall a time a while ago when he started taking the piss a bit. 'Coming alive for friends and his mum'. I lost it and threw his cake in the garden!

I won't tolerate not being treated like a partner and neither should you.

[Pickle131]

I would just say that I think the most important day of your marriage isn't the first day but the last day. If that's to be the sad day one of you is no longer living, I'd say you need to prioritise nurturing a friendship together. That might mean doing what he's into for a while. It sounds like you need to make new memories and get to know each other again. Accept what he's saying- he likes your company- and give him more of it, outside of the mundane house stuff. It's so easy to forget why you're with someone when you forget that you're first and foremost friends, and you don't spend time on the friendship. I hope you can work on it and be really happy together.

[darnedwetsinks]

Thank you all for being so kind and giving good advice.
I always remember this guy I worked with. I didn't find him in the least bit attractive but I could have spent two weeks in his company and not got bored. We literally just laughed the whole time we were together and completely sparked off each other. Like I would say "Remember xxx programme from back in the 80s?' and he would go 'omg yeah, I loved that, and remember x and x" and it would go on from there. Just clicked so well. My dh, I say 'remember this song?`or 'oh god look who's on tv, xxx' and he just goes in a bored flat way 'no don't remember that love'. I would love to be married to someone like the first guy, actually I would just love my dh and I to get on like that!

[FootieOnTheTelly]

I am really chatty and my DH is really quiet and reserved. We have been happily married for nearly thirty years. I chat and he listens a lot of the time. For example, I couldn't name anyone he works with but he knows everything about my life.

It works ok with us because we make time for each other and do a number of activities that are companionable. We go for long walks, play sports, go to the theatre or go out to eat together. It's easier to chat when you are doing something. This isn't a as artificial or as forced as it might sound.

I have also found as the kids are older and leaving home we chat more.

I admit that if I could design my perfect man from scratch I might have a more chatty model but as my DH is very lovely in all other respects it works out just fine.