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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I just don't have time to work and give up on my career?

50 replies

PinkHardHat · 05/02/2014 12:46

Dh works long hours and is away a lot. As a result he does nothing around the house but is great with the kids and they adore him. Our eldest is 6 and has autism. She struggles with sleep and often doesn't sleep until 10.30 p.m. I've been studying for a degree with a view to training to be a teacher which I've always wanted to do and generally study from 10.30 p.m. til 2 a.m. which is interspersed by dd and dd2 waking and then I'm up at 6.30 a.m.

We get ready and walk to school, dd2 and I get home at 9.30 a.m. I do housework and we play/read before her nap, I study while she sleeps. When she wakes we have a snack then collect dd1. She has activities three days per week and on those days we're not home until 6. On the other two days we play, eat, read and have a bath and have no time for anything else. I iron while they're in the bath, I'm not a clean-freak, I'd say I actually don't do enough housework.

I literally do not rest all day and still don't have enough time to do everything I need/want to do never mind to relax and have a bath or read a book. I just feel like I can't fit in a career as well, as much as I may want to. Aibu to admit defeat and give up on my career aspirations?

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 05/02/2014 13:48

Yep, I'm interested to see what you're basing the comment 'he is great with the kids' on as it seems he never actually sees them?

Original poster

PinkHardHat · 05/02/2014 13:54

Moving closer to dsc isn't an option. His exW has said she'd move plus it'd be amassive upheaval for our dd. We have dsc most of the holidays. He is home some evenings and some Saturdays but our eldest is very particular about me doing everything because of her SN.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 05/02/2014 14:03

How many days a week does he work?

Binkybix · 05/02/2014 14:04

Tricky. If I were you I'd get the degree then reassess things. Focus on one thing at a time. What are finances like? Could you get cleaner maybe? Get rid of dog and other pets (or don't replace them if high turnover ones like hamsters)?

Binkybix · 05/02/2014 14:05

Does he work all day on Saturdays? Even if he does 6 hours, for example, he could do plenty in the rest of the day.

dreamingbohemian · 05/02/2014 14:07

I'm not sure I understand -- you wouldn't be working in addition to everything you do now, but instead of a lot you're doing now. Presumably the kids would be in childcare. Hopefully you could stretch to a cleaner, but if not, there are lots of ways to get really organised with respect to housework etc.

Is your husband planning on keeping these hours forever? Because working 6 days a week and being out all day Sunday is not giving him any time with his children or allowing you to have any kind of career or life outside the family.

Do you think that's actually fair?

WooWooOwl · 05/02/2014 14:15

All of the teachers I know who have their own children also have cleaners and/or an ironing service, so they cut down on the amount of housework they have to do that way.

You would put arrangements in place so that your dc were collected from or taken to school and your dc would get playtime in whatever childcare you used.

It is hard juggling a career and children, but you wouldn't have to do it on top of the stuff you already do, you would do it instead of things that take up your time at the moment.

idlevice · 05/02/2014 14:15

Are you honestly doing fine on 4.5hrs sleep? Has your DH not said anything to you about this/is he not concerned about all you are doing & how you are feeling? To me, only being able to rely on one weekend afternoon where he is around is an unfeasible situation, unless only very temporary. Something needs to give before you sanity & health does.

WilsonFrickett · 05/02/2014 14:27

I absolutely understand how tough it is for a DC with SN to accept another care-giver doing things 'wrong' but would also respectfully suggest you set a personal target on changing some of that behaviour now, or you'll never be able to be away from the home of an evening. It can be done, with small steps and patience.

TheGreatHunt · 05/02/2014 14:31

Please dont be offended but your eldest might prefer you just because you're her mum - mine are like that and they don't have SN. Many kids are like that.

My concerns for you are that your DH spends more time with his other children, works shit loads of hours (does he really need to?!) and you're trying to hold it all together.

Original poster

PinkHardHat · 05/02/2014 14:33

Couldn't afford a cleaner as childcare would take up much of my salary, not to mention having to buy a second car and fuel etc. Dd loves the pets, they can't go. If dh isn't physically out on a Saturday he's on call so he can't take the dc out and I can't leave the house either. Wilson it's difficult to change when his work pattern changes so much and no reliable pattern of him looking after her.

OP posts:

Original poster

PinkHardHat · 05/02/2014 14:35

GreatHunt - 12 hours p/w isn't much time with his children really, certainly not something that can be reduced. His working hours aren't going to change, but his salary will increase.

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 05/02/2014 14:35

I know it's hard, I do.

But look five, ten, fifteen years down the line - what future do you see for you - not through the lens of being a partner or a mother, you as an individual. If you want it to include a career (and I think you do as you've managed to keep up with your study etc) then changes will have to be made, right?

Viviennemary · 05/02/2014 14:36

I think you should finish your degree. And if it's possible get some childcare or a cleaner. But put job seeking on hold. When and if you have a bit more time free you could get involved in some volunary work at a school or with adult literacy. And that would be good to put on a CV if you want to pursue a career in the future.

Viviennemary · 05/02/2014 14:37

voluntary!

Bramshott · 05/02/2014 14:43

It sounds like you are shattered (not surprisingly!) and can't see the wood for the trees right now.

When will your degree be finished? June? Can you get through till then, and then re-assess? Do you HAVE to start teaching practice straight away, or could you defer it, even if just for a year or two?

It sounds to me like if you could just say now that you'll take a year out, and start your teaching practice in Sept 2015 instead, that could give you the breathing space you need. By then your DD1 will be 8 (or nearly), and DD2 will be 3 - they'll be completely different people, and their needs will be different. Don't write off your career at this stage.

Is there any way you can gently disengage from DD1 in the evenings, so that even if she isn't asleep, you can get on with stuff? Even if you could start studying at 9pm, that would make a big difference.

tabulahrasa · 05/02/2014 14:48

My eldest has AS, I did a combined degree which included the teacher training, after a few placements it became really obvious that this wasn't going to be something I could do, not and have time to eat, sleep, wash, you know actually exist, lol.

I changed my degree so that it says subjects + education instead of professional education and I plan to do the PGDE at some point....

I kind of regret it, in that, it is something I really want to do, but, I'm more sure than ever that it wasn't the right time.

Do your degree, reassess then and if it still seems impossible get a job that will give you some experience when it is the right time.

Binkybix · 05/02/2014 14:51

I can see that it's difficult. On the bright side, you would be swapping some of the stuff you do now (childcare, studying) for the new work so it's not all extra. If DH is around the house on Saturdays then he could do some chores even if he's on call?

innisglas · 05/02/2014 15:17

Whatever you do, finish your degree.
Is there any way you could have an au pair? Or would it be possible for your DH see his other children every second Sunday?
I'm all in favour of SAHMs, but it can turn into a tragedy when the children grow up or when ambitions are frustrated.

StanleyLambchop · 05/02/2014 15:52

You mention you were an SAHM before with your ex- so do you have older children? Could they help out with your younger DC/ housework/ pets to free up more time for you. I would definitely be ditching the ironing in your situation, you have so little time, just cultivate the crumpled look!

JennyCalendar · 05/02/2014 16:54

You must be exhausted.

I would finish the degree, but not start the teacher training until the youngest is in school.

I'm a teacher with an 18month old and to be honest, I am only just keeping afloat with DH as a SAHD.

I'm out of the house from 7am-5.30pm. Once DS is in bed, I'm working from 8pm-midnight most nights. I'm a bit behind on marking at the moment, so having to spend one day per weekend doing marathon marking sessions to catch up. This is partly to do with my subject, but also the time of year with coursework etc. It will be quieter from May-August.

It is a fulfilling career and if you are passionate about it then you should go for it, but in a couple of years when your littlest is in school. Better to wait and enjoy it than start too soon and burn out.

Original poster

PinkHardHat · 05/02/2014 22:08

Yes my degree will be finished in June. Even once my youngest is in school though, I just don't see how I'd manage it as the university I'd do the course at is 50 mins away. That means dropping dc at before school nursery at 8 which means getting up at 6. The course wouldn't finish til 5.30 so I'd have to put my foot down all the way back to make it back for nursery closing at 6.15 p.m. The only one who services their school doesn't serve dinner so they'd still need feeding, to do homework, reading etc and dd1s sleep is getting worse as she gets older rather than better so it could be 11 p.m.+ before I get to do some work - all of which disregards seeing dh at any time if he's home.

Don't get me wrong - I don't dislike the idea of being a SAHM at all, I would enjoy it without the pressure of my degree. But like Wilson says, I look to the future when the dc are teenagers and want to have something for myself too.

OP posts:

Wetoopere · 06/02/2014 07:55

There's a few schools near me offering teacher training 'on the job' once your dd2 is at school that might be a better option. Plus at 11 dd1s needs will be different

BethGoLightly · 06/02/2014 08:01

I feel utterly exhausted reading your schedule. There is no way I could survive doing all that on four and a half hours sleep. I think finishing the degree is priority and then I would take it easy and concentrate on you and your DCs before you become ill. Your DH is probably seeing his other DCs more than yours if he is working on Saturdays and with them all day Sunday.

MrsSeanBean1 · 06/02/2014 08:49

I was a lecturer on Early Years and Primary PCGEs and I must say that all the students said it was the hardest year they had ever done......definitely worth doing but very very hard. We found that our mature students always did very well, as long as they had support at home. Please delay attempting this until your littlest one is settled in nursery and think about getting a bit of help around the house as a pGCE is very full on.

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