to not get a reply to a trully heartfelt text asking for support :( nc through ineptitude fromerly catfourfeet

[dizzycatdance]

Hi all

Brief back story

DH with sever short term memory loss, my sister incredibly intrusive ( to say te least) in his medical care. Evil sister Esis

Dh now living away, applied for divorce 10 months ago, nothing happened yet. His sister also controlling / blocking his access to the dc.

My sister closest in age to me has been quite distant through all this does "not want to get involved". But is close to Esis.

After a few attempts to have a meet up. She was generally "too busy" could well be true but given my circumstances I hoped for more support.

Arranged to meet up with sis on Feb 20th for lunch, chat etc.

This last Sat there was a big family get together. Sis was at event from 3pm onwards I arrived at 4:30pm ( as asked, , small house 2 sets of guests as it were)

Sis went out in her car, I casually asked where she had been. She told me that she had visited Esis house but esis was "elsewhere" all very vague / odd. No mention if Esis had been at party.


I wanted to know if Esis had been at the party so texted as follows.

Me :

Hi sis, was esis at the party before I arrived ? Dizzy

....................................................


Sis :

Hi dizzy , as I said to you at the party esis did not come at all. Makes me uncomfortable that you ask me again. I will give our meet up a miss. Take care.

Me:

You didn't say she hadn't come to the party just that se wasn't at her house in a very "vague" way.

No one in the family tells me anything.

I feel soooo cut off.

Esis knows more about my dh that I do.

I feel lost, alone, irrelevant.

im in the middle of the main square now typing this in tears.

im just lost.

......................................................................


I received no reply.

A couple of hours later I sent



Me :

I didn't mean to be rude to you I really didn't.

Id of like to see you but as you have said to me you "don't want to get involved" so I understand why you don't want to meet up.

I feel so,so alone

I will do my best to "take care" but right now I don't even know how.

I wouldn't wish what has happened to me on my worst enemy.

I miss my life.
I have friends I can meet up with but just for a little while I needed, really needed a sister.

I wont trouble you again.

If you do ask me how things are I shall say "fine".

Dizzy#

.............................................


I have sobbed all day, I just needed some support.

In all the time my dh has been away ( nearly 2 years) not one member of my family has rung to ask if I am ok, not one :(

I must be as vile as esis and sil tell my dh I am.

[MiniSoksMakeHardWork]

Oh my sweetheart! You are so not the problem here. Your pathetic excuse for a family is.

I honestly think the only thing which will help you now (other than the therapy you have arranged) is for you to choose to disengage from them all. For the sake of yourself and for your children.

I'm not expecting that to be as easy as it sounds. But if you make that decision, you gain power again. You get to make choices rather than waiting and hoping for something which isn't going to come from anyone else. As it is now, Esis has you exactly where she wants you. Begging to see dh, for the children to have a relationship with their father.

Give yourself the credit you so richly deserve in not going completely under. Cry and grieve for the husband you had. But refuse to play their silly games anymore.

[Whizbang]

Poor thing - very hard situation. Massive cliché I know, but we don't get to choose our family, and sadly it sounds as though you've been lumbered with a complete dud in esis, which is thoroughly bad luck but of course not your fault at all.

Saddest of all is this: "I am not a very nice person, both mine and dhs family cant all be wrong can they". Er, yes, they absolutely can be. You could easily turn that sentence on its head by saying that both families aren't particularly nice, given the terrible lack of support they've given you in such difficult circumstances. When we're feeling down, it's so easy to start tearing ourselves to bits when, during happier times, we would rightfully feel outraged and quite how crappy others are being.

As hissy has very eloquently put it, this is not your fault at all.

I had one thought though - you mentioned that you had a cousin who you were pretty close to who helps out with practical stuff. Do they realise how badly all this is affecting you? Do you think they could maybe drop a few heavy hints to "nice" sister (inverted comments because she only seems to be nice cos she's less awful than esis, not because she's been particularly kind) about how much her support would mean to you right now?

Just a thought. Anyway, hang in there lovie, this too shall pass

[HobbetInTheHeadlights]

your DH

Sorry your DC - I have a DC agitating for the pc hit wrong keys.

[HobbetInTheHeadlights]

sigh - I have family that blow hot and cold so I never know if I am going to get support or even at times interest.

I can't change their behavior, they don't see my view at all.

I can only change how I react to them - so I try and keep my expectations low and try very hard not to look for support from them - cause when I need it and it isn't given it worse than it was before. It is at times very hard to do.

It was very hurtful when we went though some bad luck accident stuff and needed support and my family didn't want to know made it all worse and was a bit of a shock even though it shouldn't have been really.

I second trying the stalely home threads on here and I hope the counseling helps. In mean time I be putting in emotional distance to avoid their ability to hurt you which mean focusing on you and your DH not people who aren't helping you even if they are family.

[catfourfeet]

Thanks hissy.

[Hissy]

No love, I think she is saying that YOU have the right, no need, to tell them all to FTFO

[catfourfeet]

Custsrdo :

I'm m confused ??

Are you saying that my sister is right to ignore me "fuck me off" ??

Northern : I wanted know if my esis had been invited enmass with my siblings and I was thus the only sibling to have been in the "second" batch (so to speak).

Not that I minded arriving at differrnt time. Just that the early ones got to all. Do the "surprise " party thing and I'd of liked to have been included.

If esis had been included and not me I would have been n hurt.

It all sounds so "school ground" but at the time seemed important.

I have come off my ad, think I need to go back on.

[Custardo]

I don't give a fuck who someone is and whether they are related to me, if I am treated poorly on a consistent basis, I fuck them off.

[NorthernLurker]

Why did you question your sister about your other sister? You didn't need to do that. It was nothing to do with you. She wasn't there when you were there. I can see why your sister was uncomfortable.

[dizzycatdance]

my head is bangin , im crying so much. proper all the way down to the diaphragm crying.

Im stuck in libmo, I cant move forward, I hope , dear god I hope the therapy can get me some way out of this chaos .

[Piscivorus]

You are entitled to miss it dizzy, it is normal to feel hurt and angry by how your life has changed and it is sad that your family are not supporting you through this.

You need to focus on keeping yourself healthy and getting through this

[dizzycatdance]

I miss my lie, I miss my dh, I miss it, I miss it all

[dizzycatdance]

I do have a cousin. rive who has been wonderful, truly wonderful. but in practical ways ( for which I am very , very greatful) but she doesn't like "big conversations"

I just want someone on my side, your family are meant to be the ones who , when no one else will stand by you , they will ALLWAYS stand by you.

Its so hard not to have that certainty now, that belief, that faith that if things got bad well "My brother would come" "My sister will help"#

Ive lost that faith, I need to grieve for it

[dizzycatdance]

hissy thank you for your post.
I am not a very nice person, both mine and dhs family cant all be wrong can they.

I think I am at the other side of a family going NC.

and like any narc I cant see it, even though Im trying to now I really am.

I just keep it all in and then just sometimes, so very little, I just end up SCREAMING in whatever way I can I AM HURTING , why cant anyone see.

[Kidsarehardworkbutgoodfun]

But they are never going to see your point of view - no matter how much they should. I'm in a similar position, not as extreme. But I have given up on any family support for my problems (chronic illness in children).

No one can make this right. All you can do is change the way you think about it.

Get support from elsewhere, preferably in real life, and limit your time with your family.

You only get one life. Stop letting them ruin yours.

[dizzycatdance]

the texts weren't meant to spare sis feelings. I have begged for support but , very politely, I have been left to my own devices. No harm "intended" but just let the assumption that as the kids aren't in care things must be ok so "let sleeping dog lie".

I rang sis a long while ago and finished the call extremely upset, obviously distressed. did she call back ? text ? send a card ?? nope.#

I need my family to see just how distressed I am , how much I am hurting, making a "good show of it" has earned me nothing.

Now sis can chose to ignore me but in the full knowledge that I AM HURTING. not "oh I thought dizzy was fine, she never said anything"

[Lambzig]

I remember your threads and I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time. It sounds like your sis is just burying her head in the sand. Although, I have had some fall outs with my sister in the past, but know I would get a response to a distressed text like that day or night. Any chance she was with semis when you sent it?

I think you need to put this out of your mind and focus on yourself and your therapy.

[Hissy]

Sweety, not one person has asked how you are! She's not supporting you either.

What good is she, or any of them doing here? None!

I don't know how many threads you've had in your battle to come to terms with all this, but I think i've been on every one of them. The threads would stay with me, and i'd often wonder how you are. I know that I wasn't the only one.

We care, we do. Real people on the other end of an Internet connection.

Your family have let you down catastrophically. They don't deserve you. They really don't.

You are a great person, a good wife (you fought long and hard for your H's diagnosis, and tried to protect his interests) you're a great mum,(in all this, you kept going) and as a person your heart is so evidently huge, it almost lifts from the screen.

Not one thing of any of this was caused by you. Nothing you could have done would make any difference.

Your h became ill, your sister stole him, with the blessing of your entire family.

Treachery is it's vilest and purest form.

[kungfupannda]

I've read your threads before, and you're in a very sad and difficult position, OP.

But I think this text conversation was ill-advised. Your sister is, to some extent, in the middle of all this, although it seems as though, if push came to shove, she'd pick your other sister over you.

By texting her and specifically asking about the movements of your other sister, you've effectively asked her to give you information about someone she knows you dislike, and who she is close to. She probably doesn't see why you want the information, or why she is being pressed to give it.

If you think there's a realistic prospect of salvaging a relationship with this sister, and you think it's in your interests to pursue one, then I think you need to be talking to her face to face, and asking for her support, entirely independent of your difficulties with your other sister. If she thinks you're always going to be pumping her for information about your other sister then she's likely to keep her distance. This was a fairly minor and unnecessary thing to chase her about - unless there's some very pressing reason why you needed to know about your other sister's movements, of course.

It may well be that she's someone who is never going to help or support you - only you know whether or not she's worth your time. It doesn't sound as though any of them are going to be much help to you, to be honest. But if she is worth your time, then I think you need to keep your relationship with her completely separate from your other sister.

[gobbynorthernbird]

I understand why you are so hurt by this, but the way you have reacted to your sister isn't good. That's a massive amount of guilt to put on her, unfairly so IMO.

[dizzycatdance]

I didn't want to cause an upset at the party. my family know what I think of esis.

I didn't meet anyone in the street??????

[Heebiejeebie]

Why didn't you ask her face to face or someone else when you went into the party? It sounds pretty hard work - the
multiple texts triggered by a brief encounter in the street, culminating in 'I won't trouble you again'.

[dizzycatdance]

no point in court of protection, he is deemed to have mental capacity.

his memory has improved a lot. but ( I think) that the last 3 years are just a blur to him and his "history" of it all is based on esis and sil. all lies or lies by omission :(

[flippinada]

I remember your previous threads and the awful situation with your DH.

I think you have to stop hoping for help and support from your family, as tough as that is, because you are simply not going to get it. Reactions of sitting on the fence and not getting involved are often a coded way of saying 'I'm not actually that bothered about you or the situation you're in'.

I really hope the therapy helps you and also recommend the stately homes thread as a source of support.