parenting. ..childcare..working

[TheMultiTasker]

I am a sensitive soul so please go easy!
I am unsure if I am being unreasonable, before I joined mn a while back I would have thought yes. However mn has opened my eyes to the importance of eequality and respect for working mums etc (that's not phrased well..but what I mean is. I now feel my job is equally important etc)

I don't want to drip feed so apologies for the length.
I am work as a nanny. Its something I am so passionate about and I worked really hard and trained for. I work PT since having our ds and as he comes with me, we incur no childcare costs. If he didn't, I would not be able to work
My contract ends very soon and haven't yet been able to find another nwoc job. So will be a sahm while activly job hunting .
DH works full time and earns the same as I would (but more through extras) when I work fulltime hours. he also loves his job.

It is of my view that we have been lucky that I have been ableto work at all since dc and that in between jobs its just a case of really cutting back. bills are covered by one wage. We share all money.

Dh Is anxious about being on one wage (aka not having lots of play money) and has suggested I work evenings and weekend.

So basically, I'll do all the childcare midweek and then work in family time? Doing something unrelated (we are talkng local shops) to my area of work and one iI've worked hard to build great reputation and continually seeking extra training. While he gets to do and progress in a job he loves?

It won't be long before I find a nannying job. I'm sure- but aibu in feeling put out at his suggestion. He didn't get my point and thought it was nuts when I suggested he sahpand work evevening and weekends while I work ft instead ..since there's not much difference in our current earning potential ?

[TheMultiTasker]

Roll, I have good connections and actually, lots of family see much benefit to having an nwoc nanny, not least from a financial pov, for ex. I take around £8- 8.50ph instead of the £10 nanny's with same experience but no child command. nwoc nannies are common here and so I am fairly confident I'll be just fine. As it is I have four interviews over the next fortnight. . its just a case of finding a mutually good fit for both us and the family.


thank you all for your input. It's given me lots to consider.

[rollonthesummer]

Nobody has said she could be a childminder overnight, but if she loves working with children and wants to be with her own child whilst she works, there are very limited options available to her.

She has been (as far as I can see) very lucky thus far finding an employer who she can nanny for and take her child. I cannot imagine there are many jobs like that available; if I was looking for a nanny, and had plenty of people to interview-I would not take the one who wanted to bring their own children with them. I just wouldn't, not unless there was absolutely no alternative and I was desperate for quick childcare. I wouldn't be happy about it though. OP may find she never finds another job like this one-so, will she never work again? Waiting until her own children start school does not make this problem go away, it just means you can only look for work between 9.30-2.30 as you still have nobody to look after them. I am suggesting she finds a long-term solution.

Moving house and registering as a child minder is a positive step and will allow her to look after children (which she loves) and look after her own. It may not happen overnight, but surely it's a better choice than not doing anything.

The other option is working in a nursery/daycare setting who might give her a discount on her own child being there too.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Do any of you now the steps she would have to take to be a childminder?

It's not quite as simple as waking up be morning and booking in a child.

[rollonthesummer]

I'd look into moving and being a childminder or babysitting-that's pretty much what you are doing anyway and you enjoy it.

You seen confident you'll get a nannying job soon where you can take your child-are there really many jobs like that?

[olympicsrock]

I think YANBU to want to be a SAHM and enjoy family time rather than taking a part-time role that you don't enjoy and takes away family time given that money is not an issue.
But DH is not unreasonable to want a good standard of living.
You need to talk and decide how important the fun money is to you both. Perhaps you could just do a few shifts?
We have a NWOC, it works brilliantly, I think it will be a more common option soon so good luck getting a new job. In the long term if you're determined to look after your own child perhaps you need to consider being a CM even if you need to find a new house where you can do that.

[whatever5]

He is suggesting that you work evening and weekends in a job that you don't like while he works in the daytime doing a job that he loves.

I think that 's a bit childish. It's not about fair, it's about paying the bills.

It is not childish to think what is good for the goose is good for the gander!!! The OP could earn the same as her DH if she worked full time in the day. Therefore why is it expected that she and not him should work evenings/weekends in a crap job while he works in the day in a job he enjoys? Why should it not be the other way around?

[Cindy34]

He has discouraged you from taking jobs that do not pay a certain amount. Why?

If there is a nwoc job available and it is paying at least NMW then why not take it? Surely it will pay the same or more than a job in retail and you get to take DS with you.

[Ubik1]

He is suggesting that you work evening and weekends in a job that you don't like while he works in the daytime doing a job that he loves.

I think that 's a bit childish. It's not about fair, it's about paying the bills.

[Ubik1]

I look after DC during the week and work evenjng and weekends.

I think you need to look closely at whether you can cope on single income - we've found that it's the small things that add up and tip you into debt.

Working w/e and evenings isn't easy - I have 3 DC and miss out on alot of family time. It's rare for us to have time together as a family. It's not something you should do lightly, it strains everything.

Really it boils down to how much you need the money.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Rollon,

Nwoc jobs can be handy as it should make the nanny quite a bit cheaper that's why some people use them.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Did I understand correctly that he is actively encouraging you to avoid not very well paying work?

So no retail,service industry stuff that most people would jump into for antisocial hours employment.

Or have I misunderstood.

If I've not YANBU,

The obvious solution would be you use cc on a temp basis get employment work past probation period then he quits and takes over childcare and works evenings. If its good enough for you then it's good enough for him

[rollonthesummer]

Both DH and I are in jobs we don't particularly enjoy because we need the money and because it's not fair to let one person shoulder all the responsibility.

Sometimes you have to do things that aren't perfect. It may be that you never get another nanny job where the employer is happy to let you bring your children. If I was forking out for a nanny, I would probably want you to focus on my child, not yours whilst I was paying you. Then what?

[whatever5]

I understand what you mean. It's the principle really. He is suggesting that you work evening and weekends in a job that you don't like while he works in the daytime doing a job that he loves. That wouldn't be fair. The fact that he currently has a job and you don't is irrelevant as he wouldn't be expected to give up his job unless you had a full time one.

There needs to be some compromise so that you are both reasonably happy. Are you sure you wouldn't consider child minding or babysitting work via an agency?

[MidniteScribbler]

So you get to sit around and SAHP until your dream job falls in to your lap while he goes to work and covers all the bills. How exactly does this fit in to your vision of equality in your opening post?

[rollonthesummer]

I think suggesting the OP's husband works 7days a week is a dreadful idea! Would he get any time to just 'be' at home and with their DC?

I presume he felt responsible for being the only one bringing in money and that was why he felt she should do tunic to work; this plan doesn't solve that dilemma at all!

[ikeaismylocal]

Doesn't your child go to bed in the evening?

How would you feel about your dp working weekends? In my opinion it would be pretty unfair on your child but if you are so against it for yourself it could be an option. You would be "working" 7 days a week in as much as you would be looking after a child full time, he would be working 7 days a week out of the house.

[WilsonFrickett]

To be fair, while I don't think you are wrong to wait in a similar situation I'd probably do one or two nights babysitting per week. If you do it through an agency you'll get a decent rate and I'd hate to not be earning at all (personally).

ikea it isn't DP's money, their money is joint. It doesn't really matter who earns it IMO.

[Jinsei]

Well, he is not BU in not wanting to be the sole breadwinner IMO.

However, I think he should at least consider being the one to SAH during the week while you work FT, and then doing an extra job himself at the weekends. If he is not willing to give this option the same consideration as he expects you to give it the other way round, then he is BU in my view.

[ProudAS]

How about evening babysitting?
Weekend childcare for shift workers?

Not such a steady income maybe but if DH is earning enough that wont be such a concern.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Ok - so I think that what you are saying is that if you put your ds into nursery then you could get a job tomorrow and earn similar to your dh's wage? Is that right? If that is true then YANBU - if one of you is going to (unhappily) be a SAHP + w/e shop worker then it could just as easily be him.

So I think you have about 6 options available:-

You SAHM (until you get a nanny with child job)
You SAHM (permanent)
He SAHD (permanent)
You SAHM plus w/e work
He SAHD plus w/e work
You both work and put ds in nursery.

I suggest you each choose 2 you hate the most then debate the pros and cons of the remainder.

[TheMultiTasker]

ikea - I love my job purely because I love caring for children. That includes my own. I adore my ds and the idea that I might otherwise because I might occasionally like to have an hour or two break once in a while is silly. I also feel that family time is a break for me because its an extra pair of hands.

Of course if we are on one wage then yes those things come underneath that, but thankfully we share all money and as such there is no his and mine, there isn't now and there wasn't when I was bringing in all the 'fun money'

[greenfolder]

i would also add that rather than doing shop work, if you wanted to earn extra, evening babysitting would be easier and more profitable.

[greenfolder]

no yanbu at all. the critical issue is that you can manage fine for money in the short term.

no need to slep around minimum wage whilst you find another job. Or you find childcare for dc and split the cost between you.

there is a critical difference between having to work evenings weekends to make ends meet and choosing to.

i have friends who work evenings- 5.30 to 10 in an office whilst partner does evening. when children are pre-school it is knackering. when they get to school age, you are missing out on a large chunk of time.

[ikeaismylocal]

I think yabu. You say you love your job so much, but you want me time away from your pfb, surely if you work Saturday and Sunday you'd get plenty of me time every evening.

Do you intend to spend any of the money your dp earns on new clothes, nice food, family days out? It seems unreasonable to assume you can spend the money he earns if you are not willing to take a little job to bring at least a bit of money into the home, it seems like a miserable idea having no treats at all.