To be worrying about how FIL will be when baby arrives...

[Writerwannabe83]

Currently 30 weeks pregnant and can't tell if I'm being irrational and unreasonable or if there really are red flags....

I have lovely PIL, have never had reason to fault them or be annoyed with them or anything like that, I get on really well with them both. However, over the last few months FIL had been showing some traits that have unnerved me as to how he may be when the baby arrives.

I feel like he is always offering his 'opinion' and that whatever me and DH think or want to do isn't correct in his eyes. Me and DH were talking about our storage plans for when baby arrives, what will go in what cupboards etc but no, FIL has a better idea and we should obviously follow his advice... .

We are having a new kitchen fitted on Friday and FIL has been making negative comments about what plans we have gone for and belittling the decisions we have already made. We are having our garden renovated in the Spring and the way in which me and DH want it done apparently isn't right in FIL's eyes and instead he is telling us what we should do.

He was very pushy about what kind of cot we should buy and now he keeps telling me what kind of pushchair I should buy. He keeps giving me suggestions on what I need to do round the house ready for when the baby comes - including comments on net curtains to keep flies out and how the 'little one' can't be expected to go up a flight of stairs every time he needs the toilet wtf He keeps asking if we've done X, Y and seems to have a disapproving look on his face if we don't give the answer he wants. He isn't doing it in a nasty way at all but it makes me feel like he thinks me and DH don't know what we're doing.

He was passing comment earlier that showed he wasn't happy he'd not been here when we had assembled all the nursery furniture (my dad and DH did it) as he thinks he would obviously had made a better job of it. It is just little digs and comments that are continuously coming. He is never, ever normally like this.

It's like he thinks he knows best about everything and I can't tell if I'm just being over sensitive. I just want me and DH to be allowed to make our own decisions and not have them questioned or belittled.

I actually had a cry over it earlier when I was doing the washing up because I can't help but feel that when baby comes I'm going to be under constant criticism for whatever parenting choices I make

[HandragsNGladbags]

He's right about the downstairs toilet . He may also be right about some of the other stuff, but if he is irritating you will miss the interesting bits.

You have MIL on your side by the sounds of it which is great. If it gets too much ask DH to speak to her about it. It does sound more like he is trying to hep, albeit very heavy-handedly.

[Writerwannabe83]

Why is he right about the downstairs toilet? I'm genuinely baffled why we need one?? Are there genuinely MN'ers who have ongoing issues with toiletting because they don't have a downstairs toilet?? Obviously it's nice to have one but it isn't a necessity whereas we could use the space so much more usefully when the baby arrives. Three years down the line when the child is actually using toilets we can always have the toilet re-inserted if it's a huge issue Maybe focusing on toiletting is a grandparent thing as last week my own nan bought me (well, the baby) one of those toilet training seats that you place over the toilet seat so the child can sit on the toilet more comfortably I was just bemused and after thanking her I asked if she was aware the baby hadn't even been born yet and we weren't quite at the stage of toilet training She laughed but said she just thought we could put it to one side until we needed it, bless her

[pictish]

He's right about the downstairs toilet?
In what way?
What do you think people that only have one upstairs toilet do?

[minibmw2010]

People with an upstairs toilet manage just fine I'm sure, but why take away a convenient resource for no good reason other than your FIL wants you to keep it? Seems a bit childish?

[HandragsNGladbags]

My DM told me when we moved in and I said exactly the same thing as you, she said that having a downstairs loo was really useful with DC and I would totally agree with her now.

If you don't have one then it's no big deal, if you do then I would keep it.

I won't be upset if you disregard my advice

[pictish]

Oh I see! There is already a downstairs toilet in place, and OP wants to take it out.

Well...my opinion on that is to keep it, as an extra loo is a very useful thing. It's not an essential though, and him saying your little one can't be expected to go all the way upstairs to pee as an argument for keeping it, is a bit silly.

But then imo getting rid of a second toilet is a bit silly as well. Sorry!

[Writerwannabe83]

My point exactly pictish

mini - me and DH actually don't want the downstairs toilet, we have various reasons for wanting to get rid of it. It was mentioned yesterday in front of FIL and according to him it's a silly idea because we can't expect a child to climb a flight of stairs whenever it needs the toilet

[Writerwannabe83]

Its a 3rd toilet!!

Do we really need 3 toilets when we could use the room for something far more useful?

[Writerwannabe83]

It would be different if we actually used it as a toilet but at the minute it is just a junk room - the toilet hasn't been used for months. We have another 2 bathrooms so me and DH just use those. We could use the room so well for storage space, somewhere to keep the pushchair, keep our shoes and coats, store the kitchen mop and broom, the Hoover etc! And it's one less bathroom to clean

[pictish]

My kids managed it. And so do everyone else's.

Hmmm...it does sound a bit like he is being somewhat pushier and more insistent about his ideas that he ought to be, if he's going so far as using the child as a spurious emotional bolster to his arguments. Almost like he's saying "if you don't do it my way, it's your child who'll miss out".

Remember OP - smile and nod, and then carry on with your own thing.

[minibmw2010]

Writerwannabe83, it's your toilet, you decide obviously. But, it does seem to me like you are absolutely determined to refuse to accept that it might be a good idea to keep it mainly because the suggestion has come from your FIL. It's not about how many toilets you have, it's about where it is and how when you have small children it can be convenient for them. That was his point and it feels like because it was HIS point, you're going the other way. My house has 4 toilets (not boasting, it's a new build, they put them everywhere regardless of house size) but I can promise you now I'm potty training the one I wouldn't do without is the ground floor one.

[Writerwannabe83]

The thing is that due to the layout of our house the toilet in question isn't on the same floor as the living room or the bedrooms. The lower ground of our house is just a small welcome type room, the kitchen and the toilet - hence why it doesn't really get used. We then have a bathroom on the 2nd floor where the living room is and then the final bathroom on the third floor where the bedrooms are. So the toilets that are used in the house are the ones that would be near where the child is anyway - unless he's in the garden of course.

It's just annoys me that he thinks he knows best. Me and DH for a while have talked about having the toilet taken out and the pipe blocked off and using the room for something more useful bit then FIL then comes in and just disregards what we want, disregards our reasons and then makes out we are silly and that we should do as he says. It's almost like he has forgotten we are adults who can make our own decisions based on what we think is best.

[Writerwannabe83]

It can't be normal to be so irked by a comment about a toilet, haha [haha]
I'm going to blame the hormones.....

I think it's because he seems to have a comment for everything that I'm just sick of hearing them now regardless of his intentions.

[KitCat26]

He does sound pretty annoying OP.

My suggestions are:
Could you give him something insignificant to research, like a night light or something?
Could you or DH get MIL to speak to him again about how you would like to make your own decisions. Also about visiting when you are home from hospital.
Try the 'No that doesn't work for us' sentence whenever he suggests something you don't like?
Get your key back!!!

A downstairs loo is very handy with kids though.

Its not just for toilet training but for washing dirty hands when you come in from the garden and not bringing all the dirt into the house.

And getting the child to go to the loo before going to school/days out when the shoes and coats are on and all of the sudden they are just desperate

But if you do get rid of it you could always change it back later when the buggy days are over.

[fluffyraggies]

When my DDs were little and i was still with XH our downstairs loo was used as a storage cupboard OP It was neat and tidy in there but you couldn't see the loo or the basin!

My dear father was always on about what a waste of a good loo it was (he was a plumber!) and how he'd not be without his downstairs toilet. However their house had aloft and a huge garage for storage. We had neither.

Let the small stuff go, OP. (like children's toileting, and purchasing decisions) and work on the majorly annoying stuff like the coming round un-announced and constant critisism of your future plans.

It's for your DH to deal with really. Perhaps with his mothers help, as she can clearly see the problem.

(my lovely dad was a bugger for being like the priest in father ted who comes in and starts shaking and kicking things and tutting, saying ''it'll never last''! But he meant well - and repaired or replaced many dodgy bits of DIY we'd done saving us lots of £)

[WhenWhyWhere]

WriterWannabe. .... so, have you decided on a game plan?

[Writerwannabe83]

Game Plan =

1 Change downstairs toilet to a cloakroom/storage space
2 Get the garden done and put the shed exactly where we want it
3 Order a pram/pushchair that me and DH choose then invite IL to see it
4 Be armed and prepared for kitchen criticisms on Friday (to be fair, I've already snapped back a little bit at him when he's made comments on the kitchen)
5 Continue to be honest with my DH about how the FIL comments are affecting me and ask him to take action if things continue.
6 Smile and nod whenever possible
7 Rant on MN when I need to release steam

[WhenWhyWhere]

. Sounds like a great plan. I find I always feel better after a good rant.

Good luck with everything.

[HandragsNGladbags]

Position of third toilet is a complete game changer

In light of new info I would def use toilet as storage area.

[ROARmeow]

Why on God's green earth do you need to discuss your shed, garden, toilet, storage area, pushchair etc etc etc with IL's????

It's naff all to do with them. It's your house and your pregnancy.

Think you're all a bit over-invested in what the other thinks.

[Writerwannabe83]

We don't need to discuss it with them Roar, I have no desire to do so, but when they raise the subject it seems a bit to rude to blank them and pretend we can't hear them

[Kundry]

I'd just be very careful about what you tell them in future.

'We're wondering about getting a new shed' invites comments.

Whereas 'The new shed is being fitted tomorrow, don't come over as the fitters will be very busy' cuts off lots of comment opportunity.

You may have to get over your problems with feeling rude. If FIL has done this all his life, he is probably fairly oblivious to when he is over stepping the mark and won't pick up on normal social cues.

[Wibblypiglikesbananas]

All sounding good. Going forward, perhaps be a little more restricted in what you mention to them in the first place. In this instance, it seems like it's the only way to avoid unwanted opinions. Once they realise you don't need FIL's opinions/blessing then he may back off.

Out of interest, are FIL's views fixed or do they change with time? When we first got a mortgage, FIL was having kittens about how we'd be able to afford to pay it (no idea why). Now he bangs on about how lucky we were to get on the housing ladder when we did... It seems he's not happy unless he has something to fret about (and I do think this comes of having more time on his hands now he's retired). Other gems include stressing about me going into labour at a weekend, in case the standard of care was lower in hospital (DC2 was early hours Sunday morning so failed there!), stressing about school catchment areas for the DC (eldest is 2 and we're living overseas temporarily, don't know which country they'll go to school in, let alone which school!), stressing about BIL getting married (no idea why), the list of doom and gloom mongering goes on...

Feel l may also be over invested in this thread...

[Writerwannabe83]

Maybe you're right wibbly and he just wants something to fret over. Maybe he likes drama? Maybe he is trying to create problems that aren't really there so he can ponder over how to fix them...

I'm actually looking forward to his reaction to the kitchen being done on Friday - will he be complimentary or critical, who knows. His opinions don't really change, he gives us this specific facial expression if he doesn't agree with us or disagrees with decisions we have made.

Their contribution to our wedding cost was them paying to hire the Wedding Suits and again, FIL thought that gave him free rein to choose the suits He told DH what shop he would be buying the suits from and what suits he liked. Me and DH went to have a look (with the IL) and the suit was awful. DH was polite but said he didn't like it, or any others in the store and asked if they could look around some other shops and find a suit style/colour that my DH wanted. FIL's face was like thunder and it got very awkward. It turned into quite an unpleasant shopping trip. I got the same facial expression when he learnt we had bought our nursery furniture.

It's almost like he is offended if we make decisions without him or don't actively involve him or take his advice. Maybe he sees himself as 'Head of the Family' and doesn't want my DH to 'grow up' and be independent. It's like he thinks we should accept that his way is the right way and just go along with everything.