To feel utterly bollocks about working

[Climbingthewalls12]

It has to be done as otherwise we simply wouldn't be able to afford anything, including basic amenities. I work 8.30 - 5.30 with a 45 min commute and oh works upwards of 65hours a week (this includes all day on a sunday) and I just feel like an utterly shite parent. I am seeing DD, 18 months, for such a short amount of time and I'm terrified that she might foret me or that it will cause her undue stress etc.

On the plus side we have a wonderful childminder who DD is very happy with, they go on trips every day and there are two other girls that she dets along with well.

I still can't shake this feeling though that I am really failing as a parent. I am looking for something where I could work flexi-time and/or looking to shorten my hours though so far no luck.

Tell me AIBU to feel so

[HappyMummyOfOne]

There are lots of positives so focus om them. Your daughter is with a carer who is doing a great job and how many people remember what they did day to day at eighteen months?

You are working to provide for her, she will have a great role model growing up and will appreciate when shes older that you are more than just a mum. You have the means to support yourself should anything go wrong and possibly a pension. Am sure there are lots more you can think of too.

[Climbingthewalls12]

Thank you Tail that's lovely

[Tailtwister]

The way I look at it is to think about what the alternative scenario would be. If you didn't work, how would your family life look then?

I work out of necessity. If we didn't need to do it for the money then I would choose to be at home full-time. When I feel bad about it (and let's face it, we all do at some point or another), I think what would happen if I just chucked it all in.

Joysmum makes some good points that life as a SAHM isn't perfect either. You have to find the best balance you can with the resources you have. For some people, giving up work makes economic sense after all the childcare costs. For others, continuing to work is a necessity or they want to continue for future economic security. Others are able to make a choice either way with no particular pressure to contribute to the household finances.

You are not failing as a parent, despite how much you feel you are. You're doing your best with the cards you have right now, there's nothing else to be done. Don't worry yourself silly by over thinking it, that won't do anyone any favours.

I'm not religious at all, but I love this quote from the Serenity Prayer below. It really helps me to think of it when I'm under pressure and feeling low.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

[Climbingthewalls12]

He is looking for other things but as he is the main wage earner we're a bit reluctant to have him take anything less well paid whereas I'm just sitting in a pretty average admin job so hoping it might be easier to find something else similar but with shorter hours.

[wobblyweebles]

I'm curious - is your OH looking to work flexi-time and/or looking to shorten his hours?

It sounds like between you both and the childminder your daughter is surrounded by people who love her very much.

[Joysmum]

My mum was the same and it wasn't until I got older that I had any quality time with her on weekdays. I didn't want this to be the case for my daughter. Having said that, I turned out ok and had a fab childhood. My mum missed out, I didn't.

Hubby and I are very very lucky as we could afford to forgo a wage so DD had a parent at home. I was the one to be a SAHP and I'm lucky to see Dd grow up. Hubby envies me that. He missed pretty much all her firsts because of being at work. I'm not convinced DD is a better person because I'm at home but we are glad to have had the choice for one of us to always be home when she wasn't at nursery or school.

I have to say though, my DD did lose out by having a SAHP. she's not as adaptable as she'd have needed to be to fit into the routine of childcare. She's an only child and didn't get as much time with other children as she would have had in childcare. I had no previous experience of children whereas a professional would have more skills and experience.

There are pros and cons to everything, whatever direction your life takes you so please, try to look at some of the cons I listed for my daughter having a SAHM. Your daughter will have advantages that my girl didn't have so please don't beat yourself up over your need to work.

[Climbingthewalls12]

Its stupid really, my parents have both always worked full time too and neither me nor my sister are at least imo anything other than pretty well adjusted. I never begrudged my parents working either.

[DurhamDurham]

I have always worked since my girls were babies, they didn't know any different. It was a choice we made as a family, we enjoyed the fact that we could afford holidays and a second car which we could not afford with one wage.
Both girls are now teenagers and we are v close. They both have a brilliant work ethic too, they have both have had part time/Saturday jobs since they were 14. I like to think that I have helped contribute towards the way they have turned out so well....even if I worked all week.

[MrsGarlic]

YANBU to hate working, but you are NOT failing as a parent. You are doing your best for your little girl.

My mum and dad both worked full time. My mum went back to work when I was 4 months old and left me with a childminder. They both worked pretty intense jobs, working their way up their career ladders and were sometimes abroad as well. As we got older they were able to take things a bit more easy and now my brother and I have flown the nest they both work part-time.

I love them both and we are so close. I'm pleased they are able to take things easy now having worked so hard for so long and I am proud of them. It's never made any difference to our relationship, I never forgot them and now I see them every week. You clearly love your DD and there's no reason you won't have the same in the future.

[thecatfromjapan]

You are not at all unreasonable to feel the way you do. Something you are forced to do, when you would be happier doing something else, is going to make you feel bad, and you can multiply that by 10 when it involves your children.

But ... you are doing the best you can, in the situation you are in.

In an ideal world, people could choose between working in and out of the home, and the hours they spend parenting, and share parenting as they wish, and be able to work part-time, and have parenting valued. However ... we're not in that ideal world.

I don't think your little one will forget you. And I think she already knows she is loved and cherished and is secure in her place in her family and in the world - so that is all good.

Good luck with your search for flexi work. You are not alone in feeling the way you do. Try to spend a few minutes tomorrow congratulating yourself on all the stuff you are doing, and doing well - you need to counteract the glm feeling, and the self-berating, and you need to praise yourself - because, unfortunately, it is likely that no-one else will.

[Climbingthewalls12]

I just look at her little face and her gibber jabbering away to me and it breaks my heart that she doesn't get to see me all the time though not sure she notices so much

I know I am lucky to have a childminder in whom I have utter faith, DD clearly loves her not too much I hope!

[sausageandorangepickle]

1. You would feel just as guilty (or more so) if you were at home but couldn't pay the bills - and would be asking us if you WBU to be looking for a job.

1. You do what you need to to look after your children - that is being a good parent.

1. Your DD will grow up quickly, soon she will be able to stay up a bit later so you have more time in the evenings.

1. The more adults who love and care for your child the better (takes a village and all that), makes no difference if one of them is a CM.

hope this makes you feel better, but it is all true

[Sleepingbunnies]

I work 8:15 - 4:15 and am in at 5:30. I am the breadwinner, they have their daddy at home with them, (he works 4 hr shifts when I get in) but I know what you mean about not seeing enough of them... I make sure we have amazing weekends and i save my holiday for important things soley to do with my girls.

My little ones are almost 5 and 2.3.

I love them therefore they need clothes on their backs and food in their bellies and in order to do this I must work.

You are doing a good job and not letting anyone down. Keep going... One day it will be worth it! (At least that's what I tell myself)

[Back2Basics]

the football**

[Back2Basics]

Urgh I hate working to, luckily I only work 4 days a week but the 4 days are so intense.

I hate being home late, having to sort dinner and listen to the kids read and do their school work. My ds can't do tefotball club he really wants to do as it finishes to early for me to be able to pick him up and I can't ask the CM to.

I really need to start working at home.

[Climbingthewalls12]

I have only recently gone back to full time work whereas DP has worked full time since she was born so maybe its just that he has never known any different.

[catgirl1976]

YABU

You are doing the best in your individual circumstances

I was back at work pt when DS was 5 weeks and full time at 5 months. I am shattered in the evenings and at the weekends but we still have fun. He is a healthy, happy secure little thing and he loves me

I am sure your DD feels exactly the same and adores you

When she is older she will appreciate the sacrifices you have made

Don't let the guilt get you. Despite it being part and parcel of motherhood :)

Does your DH / DP share this guilt? Men don't tend to you know......