to still not want to fork out to attend relatives wedding?

[CrapBag]

My sister plans to get married abroad. She initially said she wants my dd to be bridesmaid. I am on benefits which she knows but she thinks by giving people a couple of years notice to save then its OK.

She was talking about packages for the wedding which include ten guests. I asked her if dd would be paid for (under this package thing) and she just laughed and of course not, she is fully expecting me to pay about 3k for the for of us to attend her wedding because we have notice to save. We are currently trying to saves house deposit which is a damn site more important than a wedding.

Now the place has changed and its even more expensive and further away. She is also having it in term to e and we have an older child at school.

I have recently found out I am getting a decent inheritance and would easily be able to afford to attend but I actually don't want to use the money for that. I don't want to take ds out of school and get fined, it's also not somewhere you can incorporates family holiday, otherwise I would have done it tbh.

Aibu to not want to spend the money on this even though its my sister? Ultimately all the family that she wants there will save up and go, the ones who can't, she's not so bothered about anyway.

[bellybuttonfairy]

People get so wrapped up in wedding. FFS - its only a half hour thing with a party afterwards. Surely its about being married rather than getting married. Id marry dh in a coal pit as long as I could marry him.

If your dsis wants to go bananas about it, dont feel you need to be dragged along.

Ring dsis tomorrow and just say the truth. Say that youd love to see her get married but you really cant afford 3k. Infact 3k is a silly crazy amount of money to spend on going to a wedding. YANBU

[MrsGarlic]

Could you not just go by yourself and leave husband + kids at home?

I do think it is very unreasonable for her to expect all four of you to attend, but she is your sister, so I would make the effort to attend if possible. I may have missed how old your kids are, but given you've got 2 years to save, the youngest will be at least 2 so probably could be left with their dad for a few days.

[Adeleh]

YANBU. Really unfair to expect anyone to save up to go to your wedding. Why can't she just get married here and have honeymoon abroad?

[80sMum]

YANBU. It's a bit much to expect wedding guests to cough up for a holiday to a place they may not wish to visit, simply to attend a wedding.
DD married abroad and there were far fewer people attending than had originally said they would come. As the wedding got closer (and the venue and everything was booked) people began to drop out with various excuses. Some actually admitted that they couldn't justify the cost.
In the end, to ensure sufficient numbers turned up, DH and I paid for several people's flights and accommodation ourselves.

[wobblyweebles]

We got married abroad because of my visa. My sister couldn't afford to go so between me and my mum we paid for her to go. It was fab to have her there and worth every penny. No way would I have insisted that she come if she couldn't afford it.

[SavoyCabbage]

Tell her you definitely can't afford it and you won't be going.

Buying a house is a life changing event. You can't let somebody else's wedding have an impact on that.

[WestieMamma]

YANBU

My brother got married in Canada and we didn't go. We could have scraped the money together but, this will make me sound like a right cow, we just didn't want to see him get married enough to spend every penny we had on it.

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

My brother got married abroad & we didn't go as the ting was wrong & money was tight. I had just returned to work from mat leave so didn't have 4k for the four of us to fly out for 10 days. He and my SIL were v understanding & had a party in the UK when they got back so we didn't miss out.

[MsAspreyDiamonds]

Timing not ting!

[SJBean]

MrsGarlic I think even if OP's sister was to suggest she comes on her own that would still be unreasonable. This is eventually what my Dsis wanted me to do. Like my DH OP's DH would have to take a weeks holiday to stay at home on his own with the kids while OP would have to pay for the privilege of spending a holiday (in a place not of her own choosing) Apart from her family. As much as it's lovely to have some time to yourself I don't think some people understand how precious family holiday time is. I know her wedding is her number one at the moment but OP's family is her number one and this is just asking too much.

[OwlinaTree]

I'm always confused by this. The point of going abroad to get married is surely so you don't spend much more than the cost of the honeymoon, and it's just the two of you.

If your families are expected to come, why are they expecting everyone to travel half way around the world to all go to a wedding then hang round the happy couple's honeymoon? Can't they be on their own?

Very odd decision. Decide you you want at the wedding. Make all other choices based round that.

[OwlinaTree]

Sorry that should be decide who you want at the wedding.

[EllaFitzgerald]

I think that if a couple want to go abroad to get married, either by themselves or with 200 of their nearest and dearest, then good for them. It's their wedding day, so it should be exactly how they want it to be. However, they've either got to offer to pay for people to attend or accept that their choice means that a lot of people won't be able to make it. It's outrageous to put that kind of pressure on people to come up with thousands of pounds.

I'd make sure I told her as early as possible. I'd also be inclined to tell her in front of other family members so that if she chooses to stick her head in the sand and believe that you'll find the money somehow, she can't accuse you of ruining her plans when she realises that you definitely won't be going.

[Grumblelion]

YANBU - she made her choice to get married abroad, now unfortunately she'll have to deal with the fact that her decision will prevent some people attending. She may be in for a bit of shock as I'm sure you won't be the
only ones who pull out.

[DontmindifIdo]

See, I always feel really stabby whenever I hear someone say that weddings overseas work out so much cheaper (usually they are suggesting they'd go to that location for their honeymoon anyway). I always point out the total cost of the wedding is the same, it's just that some of the costs are paid by your guests instead of the couple.

we briefly toyed with the idea of an overseas wedding, mainly because DH isn't good with attention so it would be a way of doing a small wedding without offending anyone (invite everyone, expect very few would actually be attending, but noone has been left out by not getting an invite), when we did this, we automatically calculated in our costs the cost of taking both sets of parents, both siblings, and my bridesmaid. We wouldn't expect anyone else to go. (In the end, we had it in the UK as DH came round to the idea that it would be nice to host an event as we'd been to so many other friends and family's weddings)

OP - make it clear your stanse, and don't let anyone make you feel bad about not going. Remember, she doesn't want you there enough to a) pay for you or b) hold her wedding somewhere you could go. If they should be guilting anyone into coughing up for the tickets and hotel, it should be her.

[3bunnies]

Buying a house is something you will benefit from for years to come. I doubt you will look back in 25 years and think how pleased you are that you went to her wedding rather than buy a house.

I am a little curious if you don't mind me asking why only one of your dc is a bridesmaid. I realise that it could be a teenage boy/girl with no intention of joining in, but I hope that they were at least asked and they refused. My dn was a lovely page boy at age 10. Would understand if one was too young - dd1 was a bit young at 3.5 and 18 month dd2 would definitely not be appropriate but I got the impression that it is your younger dd who is the bridesmaid.

[theborrower]

YANBU.

My wee sister recently got engaged and said she wanted to get married abroad. Her fiancée immediately said "no way" because of all the reasons above - family not being able to go because of ill health, cost etc. they are going to choose somewhere central because "we want it to be easy for people to get to and don't want to have to lay on buses, expect people to stay overnight in an expensive hotel etc" He's a good 'un.

Good luck with telling your sister.

[fluffyraggies]

Don't go OP. And don't let them make you feel bad.

''Anyone who gets married abroad or in a location far away from their home, has to accept that the consequences are that people may not have the time or money to attend.''

This

No matter who says what to whom subsequently, this is what it boils down to.

I would add inclination to ''time and money'' as well to be honest. Even if you can afford it and have the time it's a big big ask to go abroad with kids just to attend a wedding.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

Just say youve added up spare money after saving for the house and it amounts to £5 per month. In three years time that will be £180, so a no go, but you will see her at the party.

Add in "surely you wouldnt expect us to spend our House deposit on a non kid friendly holiday to a place we would never consider going?"

[MrsCampbellBlack]

I'd just make it clear you can't afford to go. But am nosily intrigued about an inheritance she knows nothing about - is it a family member because that may become a bigger issue than the wedding to be honest.

[jedishelly1]

YANBU, your sister is!

[Toecheese]

How much are you due to inherit?

I can understand prioritising buying a house.

[3bunnies]

Inheritance probably on dh side.

[SuburbanRhonda]

I thought that about the inheritance and wondered why the OP's sister knew nothing about it.

But surely if it's the DH's inheritance, OP wouldn't say that it was she who was inheriting?

[HappyMummyOfOne]

It does sound like its the OP's inheritance not the DH's so i forsee more problems on the horizon not just the wedding.

If the OP is on benefits then savings over a certain amount will affect them and spendinh thousands to attend a wedding or go on holiday would be seen as deprevation of capital.