to be shocked that my friend was the OW

[NonJudgementalWannabe]

name changed for this as i don't know if i am being a bit silly

i met another mum a couple of years ago through the dcs school, we instantly hit it off and now i class her as one of my best friends. our dcs are very close as well.

we were recently talking about how we met our DHs and it transpired that she was the OW. i have to say i was (and am) shocked. as she just doesn't seem the "type" IYSWIM, and neither does her DH. she is one of the nicest, kindest people i have ever met.

friends DH is lovely too and absolutely besotted with her. they have been together 6 years, married 4 i think. they have a gorgeous little DD together and another one on the way. she was a single mum of one when they met, so he is also stepdad to her eldest. their marriage just all seems so genuine and lovely, i can't imagine them having such a horrid start, and doing such a horrible thing. according to my friend it was her DH that started things (she was single) they fell head over heels ( ) and he left his XW within weeks of meeting her, and he wasn't happy in his marriage anyway (but they all say that don't they.....) and she says its been very hard sometimes dealing with the guilt, fallout and what ifs etc.

i am possibly being biased as dh had an affair a few years ago. but i took him back and we worked through it, it wasn't easy. i never knew dh's OW, i sometimes still wonder about her tbh. i guess that, since dh's affair, i have had this image of the OW always being a hard faced nasty type and my lovely friend just doesn't fit the bill. she does seem to regret how they met but she wouldn't change anything as they are happy now. BTW my friend does not know about this.

i am not going to stop being her friend and i don't want to judge. but i just feel weird about it TBH, not sure what i am looking for but just wanted to write it down i guess.

[littleredsquirrel]

See I'm genuinely surprised at that. I do tell people who I consider to be friends. I don't go about blurting out the first time I meet someone "oh by the way I'm wife number 2 and DH was married when we met" but I have told people I consider to be friends. I never dreamt they would then go away and consider whether they wanted to remain friends with me.

DH and I have been together for many many years now and are very happy with two lovely DCs (who know that DH was married before even though there was no real need for them to know because no other children were involved)

[littleredsquirrel]

I guess however that if a "friend" changed their attitude towards me because of learning I was once the OW then my perception of them would also change and so the friendship would be no loss really.

[NonJudgementalWannabe]

thanks all, your posts have really made me think. as i said, i would never stop being friends with her for this reason, that would be silly. and she really is a great friend and a lovely person.

interesting about the different types of affairs as well, i think the poster that wrote that is definitely on to something. in my case, DH didn't want to leave me, things had just got a bit stale as they often do but we still loved eachother. and i think he genuinely really regretted his fling. there are perhaps "worse" cases where one or both has fallen out of love and there really is no going back, but one or both are just cruising along for fear of change, upsetting the children etc

and for those that have admitted to affairs that are now happy, i am genuinely happy for you, yours were obviously somehow meant to be

[secondchances]

I'm a firm believer in people only cheat when they are unhappy. Why they don't just say "im not happy with our relationship" i'll never know. However, whilst I understand being cheated on really isn't nice unfortunately these things do happen to the people you least expected. Love comes to you in odd ways.

[Lilacroses]

I do know what you mean. I have had friends who have had affairs and it has been really hard if I know their spouse too. However, as one of the first posters said, life is complicated. I know a couple, the wife is HORRIBLY abusive to the husband, really, really unkind and insulting in front of people all the time. I honestly don't think anyone would blame him if he found someone else, in fact I think alot of us are hoping he does.

Agree with SecondChances that if things were as they should be people should just tell their partner that they are unhappy but I suppose maybe people don't quite realise how unhappy they are till they meet someone else.

[NonJudgementalWannabe]

I'm a firm believer in people only cheat when they are unhappy

sometimes but not always

if its just a fling / one off then they may not be unhappy, its not an excuse but it may be just they can't resist the thrill of the new for whatever reason. and they quickly regret it and realise what they stand to lose

however if they then leave their DP / DW, set up home, marry, have dcs with the OW and live happily with them, then probably they were unhappy with their previous relationship

humans are funny creatures, and its not always black and white

[Fleta]

I was the other woman for a while when I was 18. He was 48.

It was a genuine mistake on my part - I had absolutely no clue that he wasn't separated. We regularly stayed at his, spent plenty of time together. He was open from the beginning about being separated. Except he wasn't.

"His" place turned out to be a rental he owned that he was using for us to be together. The time he spent with me (at least 3 nights a week) he was "out with the boys" etc.

We carried on being together for 2 months after I found out before I was physically able to make the break. I feel very awful for the wife, but I was crazy about him and needed to give myself time to come to terms with what had happened.

[RunRabbit]

I'd never be able to be friends with a person like that.

I try to be a honest person with integrity and like to surround myself with likeminded people.

People who know the kind of damage infidelity does and still make that choice to inflict that kind of damage on another person is not the sort of person I want in my life.

[Mumof22222boys]

I agree with the analysis of the 2 types of affair. I wouldn't be judgmental about some people, but others are different.

I know someone who was discovered having an affair recently - initial denial / minimising followed. Her DH was shocked and heartbroken. He is an amazingly supportive H and dad, and her excuse was that she had fallen out of love and that he was controlling. I know you only hear one side of the story, but knowing them both well, I don't buy her excuses. She is seeking a bit of fun and distraction with a younger man...I doubt it will last. The heartbreak and disruption for the DH and children doesn't seem to matter (nor the impact on her parents and other family members). And she isn't exactly swinging from the chandeliers at the moment as they go through the divorce.

I have no interest in remaining friends with this person - she has shown herself to be utterly selfish. However OP, I would be friends with your friend.

[maleview70]

"people only cheat when they are unhappy"

"people only look for someone else when they are unhappy"

Neither of those statements are true for men.

I know lots of men who have cheated who are happy with their wives and their wives are non the wiser!

They did it becuase it was on offer and they took the risk.

Maybe greedy, definately wrong but nothing to do with unhappiness.

[Heartbrokenmum73]

My sister was the OW - she's been with her other half for about five years now and they have a child. They had two flings before he left his then girlfriend, then went back (for the kids, but never told girlfriend about why he'd left), then left again.

It's difficult for me to listen to how awful the ex girlfriend is (maybe she is, I've never met her, I don't know), knowing that they were doing this little dance of deception for two or three years (sister had a boyfriend during that time too), especially when I suspect my ex had OW before we split.

They're very happy together, but I would always be wondering about his likelihood of straying if I were my sister, tbh.

[NonJudgementalWannabe]

for two or three YEARS heartbrokenmum thats awful, i don't blame you for wondering if he would stray again

and maleview how depressing that you know "lots of" men who cheat on their wives, because they can. thats awful that their wives don't know :(

[mumandboys123]

so the end justifies the means? it's OK to have an affair if you're 'unhappy' or you're with the other person for at least a year, 5 years, 10 years?

I have heard of a situation recently where the 'other woman' after 14 years, has just had the same thing happen to her. She has three children now. That's three children on top of the three he had with his ex - that he never supported and which the 'other woman' was happy to stand by and see happen. She is oh so sorry now. Her 'friends' are having a field day behind her back, she is the talk of the playground (and I don't even get into the playground and I know!) and I for one struggle to feel sorry for her in any way shape or form. We kind of reap what we sow in life. I see it as a closing of a circle. She may well have owed his wife nothing but she knew what she was doing and has spent many years being vocal about what an awful woman she was and how she deserved everything that happened to her. I am sure she feels differently now.

The real 'problem' here, the man involved, of course gets off scott free but I believe it will catch up with him eventually. Probably at the point where he needs someone to support him - illness, for example - when all those chickens will come home to roost.

[NonJudgementalWannabe]

not sure if your post was directed at me but i never said it was ok mumandboys far from it.

and TBH, despite my feelings about people that have affairs, i feel rather sorry for the woman in your post, no one deserves that to happen to them. esp the children. poor woman. and what nasty "friends" she has - i don't think its very nice to be so gloaty about her

[littleredsquirrel]

I see it as the closing of a circle

nice

[LessMissAbs]

Gosh, how goody goody and sheltered you must be OP. Divorce, splitting up, overlaps are all part of life and dont mean someone is a certain "type". I wouldn't even classify your friend as the OW as it was such a short period.

And its hardly your business to sit in judgment. What an overreaction on your part.

[FudgefaceMcZ]

She didn't really have an affair though, did she, she wasn't married. He had an affair. She could well be perfectly nice, but there is no way he gets out of being a dick since he could have actually been honest with his wife and broken up before shagging about, but instead chose to hedge his bets and come out with 'wifey doesn't understand me' bollocks and may well do it again to her. I would stay friends with her so you can support her when that happens. I'd probably dump your husband too but I see you're not even considering that, just blaming the woman he used to cheat on you.

[CarolPrankster]

Its just not that black and white though, real life.
I can understand why some women are so anti the OW but its not that simple. DH's exW refers to me as the OW but he had been split from her for 6 months before I met him, technically they were married but living in separate houses and exchanging spiteful emails. She is utterly vile to me and slags me off to anyone who will listen making it hard for me to actually have any sympathy for her.

[dementedma]

runrabbit mind your halo doesn't slip and choke you. Oh, and aren't those judgy pants giving you a wedgy?

[StandingInLine]

I've been the OW but only in the sense he was married but seperated. Of course that made no difference when his ex got herself pregnant with another mans child (who'd scarpered )and wanted partner back to play happy families but he refused.
We're a normal couple, been together for 6 years and have 2 wonderful kids. She still to this day says I split them up forgetting the fact she'd moved on a lot quicker than partner.
But ,just to humour her ,I say that I would do it all again for the family I have now. I wouldn't regret my kids.

[RunRabbit]

dementedma I see so you think, I think I'm an Angel because I wouldn't do something that I know full well would cause another person pain?

Riiiiight

Your bar must be set pretty damn low.

[monicalewinski]

I'd never be able to be friends with a person like that.

It's not about what you would or wouldn't do RunRabbit, it's about the holier than thou deigning of your friendship.

How do you know that each an every one of your friends has never lied about anything? Do you make them do a lie detector first?

[AchyFox]

You mean an OW.

I kept trying to read your post working out how she was the OW your DH had.

LTB if you still feel aggrieved.

[DeathByLaundry]

I was the OW. It was awful. He was married, unhappily -they made a mistake marrying to try and fix things in a stale relationship, they wanted completely different things in life, and she had already had an affair. No justification, but relevant nonetheless.

We were incredibly strongly attracted to one another but he had strong feelings of obligation to try and salvage the marriage and I was morally horrified with myself. I ended up a complete mess, almost failed my degree and found myself on antidepressants. He got into a similarly bad way and ended up signed off work for a long period of time. We cut all contact and tried to get on with our own lives.

A year or so after we'd first met he got back in touch. He'd separated from his wife and I'd had time to pull myself together. Everything fell into place and over a decade later we're married with two children and usual ups and downs excepted we're really happy. His ex has married someone who is much more suited to her and nobody has looked back.

I'm sad that I'm judged on that happening. It was awful and but for the children I genuinely would change it all if I could. I hated myself so much for what I was involved in that I got ill.

I don't think these things are black and white

[RunRabbit]

monicalewinski I'd find it disturbing if my friends had never lied to me, but, there are things you can overlook things you cannot.

I'm not going to care if my friend lied about eating the last of the cornflakes. But to intentionally do something that you know will hurt/shatter/destroy someone else and not care and do it anyway is on an entirely different level. I just cannot have that sort of person in my life.

Everyone has qualities they wouldn't be able to tolerate in a friend. Everyone has their boundaries and lines they draw in the sand about what is acceptable for them. And what I've written in bold. That's my line.