was this a friendly tip off or an uninvite?

[FestiveBlackBorderBinLiner]

Earlier this year a local wannabe 'Queen Bee' decided to pick a fight with me over my role in a volunteer community project. After the weird phonecalls & nasty emails I resigned but did n't go into details with the wider group. The project is great and I did n't want to derail it with a personality thing.

The dust settled and I tried to patch it up by doing something for the group but got a direct mail from the 'leader' warning me off. I now avoid anything that the group do. In a small town this is tricky. I've also stopped meeting or discussing my life with friends who are close to her because I think that jealousy was a big factor in her outbursts.

So New Year is coming and as a family we've had an invite to a house party, today the host tells me if I arrive early I should be able to avoid the 'leader'. Small town political nightmare. The host is clearly in a tricky position. Do I:

Send family (our dds are friends) but I'll not go at all
Go early and leave early (DH once he's there will want to stay and there's a quiz planned so might be hard to leave)
Get verry, verrry drunk and cry in the kitchen?

Your thoughts please

[THECliffRichardSucksEggsinHell]

We have Alpha Dad in our village. He wears tweed, is a school governor and also fundraises for the school. He is constantly harping on about how rich he is and how they are renting out their expensive home so they can rent a house right in the heart of the village. I don't know what he does for a living but he's always taking the kids to school or picking them up, he's there at every assembly and production and is usually surrounded by a bevvy of designer clad women who shriek "oh helllllloooooo!" at each other and sometimes turn up at the school in their horse riding gear.

Recently the BBC came to film a small scene from Top Gear. This man wandered up and down the village on his mobile phone looking like one of the production team. Loads of people actually approached him to ask when the film crew would arrive and what was going on. He loved it.

I have only spoken to him once and got that look I'm so used to now once I open my mouth, that look of questioning curiosity when they hear my Mancunian accent.

I always make sure I'm there bang on time both before and after school so that I don't get drawn into village politics as I will only end up shooting off my big mouth anyway.

[pippop1]

Presumably your DH knows all about this woman? If not, make sure he does and make sure you are not alone at the party. Hold your head up high and make your mind up that you will ENJOY the party,

[SettingPlaster]

I think what surprises me about these kinds of situation is the extent to which other people are happy to hand power to someone else, by 'creating' Alpha status and colluding with it. I approach life from the perspective that we all amble around within the same 24 hours, and no one is more or less important than any other person.

90% of the village may consider that Person X is the most alpha of alphas, but I will retain the right to consider her woefully intellectually underpowered and liable to misuse of hair-straighteners.

[BenNJerry]

I genuinely don't understand why people let others dictate their lives so much. Who gives a f* what this woman thinks? Go, and enjoy yourself. Thank god I live in the city, I couldn't be doing with all that small town cliquey bullshit.

[FestiveBlackBorderBinLiner]

For those round here who've never moved a mile from their own dung hill you'd think school was 2 rather than 20 years ago. As an observer you go through several stages - disbelief, astonishment than bewilderment on how to cope with it.

Old family names are 'respected', teenage fueds and ex-boyfriends are recognised at the school gate.

It's probably a long term survival thing but people will excuse poor behaviour if your the second cousin of the local stately home.

I don't want to upset the host, her family will be pleased that she has the local Queen Bee attending and although I have friends elsewhere my DDs have to grow up here so I shall put the happy face on, not drink and leave at the first sign of trouble.

Thank you - I shall re-read all the encouragement before all local social engagements and wonder if any of you are local - I don't think we've had Top Gear here but we certainly have our own self important mover & shakers.

[TheWitTank]

I wouldn't want to go to a party where I was on edge all night wondering if I was going to get shouted at/nasty comments/feel uncomfortable. You would hope that queen bee wouldn't behave like that at somebody's party, but she sounds like a right madam and god knows what she like with a drink in her. Sounds like your host is hoping to avoid a confrontation she knows will happen.
I would personally decline the invitation and go elsewhere with the family or as suggested, go a bit early and tell your OH that you will def not be staying as you do not want a possible confrontation that would ruin the hosts party.

[THECliffRichardSucksEggsinHell]

Festive you may well live in my village.

I am an outsider too. I do not come from this area, or this region and we only moved in 3 years ago. I live on the wrong side of the village, not in the pretty houses but the affordable living ones which some say should not even carry the name of the village as our houses are tucked a mile away out of sight of the tourist pretty area.

I do not let other peoples attitudes worry me and certainly would never live my life according to what others in the village may think. I would bring my children up to be the same.

There are people like her everywhere, not just in local villages. She obviously feels threatened by you and I don't think that you avoiding her will ease that. So long as you remain there you are a threat to her.

That's why you should be gracious at the party. Be lovely and nice. Drink a little just so that you feel confident enough to chat to people. I doubt there will be any trouble because she's not stupid; if she causes trouble then it will look bad for her again. Her reputation is obviously everything to her. People will naturally side with you because I'm sure she's not liked by many and not everyone will want to suck up to her either.

I'm cross with the host for even suggesting that you leave early.

PM me with the venue details and I'll distract everyone for you by gatecrashing

[MellowAutumn]

mmmm you sound resigned to being subjugated by the system or at least your perception of the social system and are going to teach your dd the same thing - ie how to be bullied. I live in a very small place with some people who possibly think they are the social elite but can assure you if you raise your eyes from the floor there are lots of other people out there who don't give a shit about this sort of stuff and still have a social life and jobs and everything - honest

[MollyWhuppie]

TheCliffRichard speaks a lot of sense.

I have been in a similar situation. It feels easier to hide away and avoid people, but the problem will not go away, and the QueenBee will have won by succeeding in pushing you out.

Go, be nice to everyone including her, and try and enjoy yourself. Increase your social status with the people there that you like, and don't worry about her. She is the one who it will reflect badly on if she's being mean or unfriendly to you - and people will only like you more if you hold your head high and enjoy yourself, and show them all that she is wrong. Why should you hide away?

[CosyTeaBags]

I was going to write something supportive - but basically Molly has summed it up perfectly ^^

Go, be fabulous, be nice to everyone including her. Show her you're above all this silliness. Smile, have a wonderful time. As Molly said, you will increase your social status if you go and have fun with other nice people.

Please don't let this woman get you down. You haven't really gone into detail about what she's actually done to you (apologies if I've missed that bit) but is she really likely to have a go at you at this party, in front of people? If she is, then that might require a new tactic - but assuming she isn't - then stick with the above.

Good luck, and if it feels too much, know you have the weight of MN behind you cheering you on!!

[CiderBomb]

Go, get pissed and then tell her what you think of her. That's what I'd do anyway.

[CosyTeaBags]

Sorry, just re-read OP and you did go into detail - she sent you nasty emails. I think other posters are right - she won't be foolish enough to actually be nasty to your face in front of your family.

Your friend (the party host) is obviously aware of the situation, so they must also know what a nasty piece of work this woman is.

If QueenBee decides to make any snarky comments to you during the party, think of it as her scoring points against herself, making herself look even more of a bitch in front of your friends.

Let her look like a fool if she wants to. You will come out of this on top.

[FestiveBlackBorderBinLiner]

DH has turned up very supportive, evidently we were n't staying late anyway, only showing faces to be polite and we have other things to do.

With the power of Mumsnet behind me and the possibility of Cliff Richard gatecrashing I shall navigate the choppy waters of social niceties and collapse into perfect margareti once back home.

[tudorqueen]

Oh god, small villages and towns ugh. Have found that these irritating Queen Bees are generally the people who are totally insecure in their lives, often quite bored and feel they should have achieved more. Feel sorry for them instead.

That REALLY annoys them

[Dilidali]

Heheee, small village politics...love them. I don't watch a lot of telly, but I imagine that's what soaps are all about. I do listen to the Archers sometimes .

Anyway.
Do go to the party and do make sure you look fabulous. Polite conversation, pay compliments. Shift the focus from the queen b*h to networking with the neighbours, you're not there waiting for that woman, you are there to have a good time, a nice glass of something, nice chats to various people.
When YOU had enough, excuse yourselves, pay compliments (to)/thank the hosts in front of everybody,cheerio, head high up, bye everybody, see you in the new year.
Do not let that woman push you around.

[nilbyname]

Kill her with kindness, or just kill her.......

[MrsGrasshead]

We have a similar type in our small town. I would go - don't let her win. And then leave early if it's awful. Why do people like this exist? There really ought to be some kind of karma.

There will be at least one person there who won't be fawning round her. Seek them out.

[HollaAtMeBaby]

Go to the party with your head held high and spill a drink on bitchface

Why do people live in these awful suffocating villages though? If you had the misfortune to be born into a place like that, I can sort of understand staying, but why choose to move to one? Makes me shudder.

[Tapiocapearl]

My area can be like that.

Email back and tell her that you are both adults and it will be fine, don't worry.

At the party have a nice chat with everyone. Stay polite and jolly with bee.

[lessonsintightropes]

OP you've just reminded me why I left my small village in the north west at 18 and didn't let the door bang me on the bum whilst scarpering to London as fast as I could. Thanks - we were thinking about leaving the city but this is the reason why I'd never want to!

Best of luck with the party and remember, she who smiles and turns the other cheek smiles last.

[BillyBanter]

Go to the party and spray the wannaBee in slurry.

[MrsGrasshead]

Why do people live in these awful suffocating villages though?

Sadly because we had no hope of living near a reasonable school in our home town. My dc are very happy. But I have to say I find it very difficult here socially.

[grovel]

Go to the party. Be charming to everyone. At midnight get 2014 off to a good start by giving the Queen Bee a slap.

[Rhubarbgarden]

Why do people live in these awful suffocating villages though

Not all small villages are like that.

Good luck op. There will be plenty of nice, normal people there as well as this weirdo.

[FestiveBlackBorderBinLiner]

Nice dress -tick
Happy face - tick
Top Gear conversation topics - tick (means I can stand on the man side of the room)
Slurry gun - tick, pocket size
Happy Slappy Hand - tick, bling ring for bonus points.

I like the idea of the Mumsnet equivalent of a teenage house party being advertised and lots of random strangers turning up with scarves, Pom Bears, Fruit Shoots, etc saying 'No' and 'Did you mean to be so rude', cleaning the sink and the S & B ladies picking out an outfit for a good start the next morning.

Cheers everyone, I'm 40 not 14 and I refuse to be pushed around in my spare time I shall charm then fuck off when bored.