To put on my knight's outfit and attack my DM with a sword because she said 4 is old enough to wipe my own bottom?

[BoffinMum]

I have a good arrangement with my DM, DF, DSis, DBs and indeed any other random people in the locality. I do a poo, they wipe me very nicely while I do a perfectly executed downward dog yoga position in the bathroom as my helpful contribution to the process. So far this has worked well as a hygiene strategy.

Only today things changed.

My DM offered instruction in how to rip off loo paper, how to fold loo paper, and how to reach my arm behind so I can wipe my own bottom. Then she told me to get on with it.

I was disgusted.

Poo is smelly and stinky, I told her, so this should be her job. My arms are too short.

She just laughed and told me to get on with it again.

I was not having that, so I put my entire foam knight's outfit on, got on my hobbyhorse and went into the sitting room armed with my foam sword to teach her a lesson. I was very cross. I rubbed my sword on her neck quite hard.

She just laughed and told me my bottom slaves were not going to do this for me any more. Sword or no sword.

Any amount of crying and protesting failed to work. I am concerned this neglect will continue. WWYD? WIBU?

[BoffinMum]

At joiner!

[Onetraumaatatimeplease]

Now then, you just need to make it fun for them. When I invite me mum to wipe me arse I use a bit of the old reverse psych, try "if I wipe my own bum then why are we paying for your keep?" Then comes the fun, offer a plop by plop description and then invite them over to have a look and then you can discuss shapes, formations, colours etc. EVERYDAY is a school day in my house.

[krasnayaplats]

I had not noticed age of thread either, but malyshka (baby) krasnayaplats aged nearly four would like to share this tip. As you are old enough to wipe your bottom you should demand privacy appropriate to your developmental stage by locking the bathroom door. You will then find that you are unable to unlock it. A joiner may have to be summoned to release you. You should find that you are not expected to visit the bathroom alone for some time after that.

[LarrytheCucumber]

My name is Katrina and when I was four I backed out of the toilet with my knickers down and asked my teacher to wipe my bottom. I am 44 now and the memory still haunts me

[NaughtToThreeSadOnions]

Ah but BoffinBoy the good thing about boffinbrother learning to drive is you can get him to take you places mummy wouldn't want you too or drive and buy extra sweets! It's the annoying thing about aunty sad onions she doesn't drive!

[BoffinMum]

Indeed Mummy recently had to be put to bed by BoffinSister after she miscalculated the alcohol units in a cocktail and became unwell. BoffinSister muttered something about Edina and Saffy but I am not sure what that means.

[BoffinMum]

21SonofDragon this is BoffinBoy. I have noted that Mummy is currently teaching BoffinBrother to drive and I did wonder if this was her ultimate evil plan.

[53Dragon]

Hi this is 21SonOfDragon Just you wait till your mum goes out for the evening and expects you to be her taxi service and come out at midnight to pick up her and her silly drunk friends

[ginslinger]

Sometimes if you get grannies involved things improve - if they don't improve your DM will be too drunk/angry to care. Try a little sob when telling granny that mummy won't help you wipe your bottom.

[HoneyDragon]

This is has got to be the best update of a zombie thread ever.

[BathshebaDarkstone]

My fault, I never read dates. It did have me crying with laughter though!

[BoffinMum]

This got resurrected because we were discussing four year olds wiping bottoms on another thread.

Thank you for asking about BoffinBabe's progress, I am happy to report that two years on, BoffinBabe can indeed wipe himself pretty well now, albeit with the odd minor skid mark appearing from time to time in his Scooby Doo pants. There is a preference for not wiping after school poos unless absolutely necessary, but this is not generally a massive problem.

He is very proud at the moment because this month he has also learned to swim and ride his bike (which he did while chattering to himself and occasionally muttering 'woohoo!') He has shared this with the rest of the known world so sees no reason why MN shouldn't be included in the good news.

This is what wiping can lead to!

[Gruntfuttock]

Why resurrect this thread?

[Chippednailvarnish]

Well I make DB (8) wipe my bum and pretend that I did it.

Littlechipped (4)

[HoneyDragon]

I was getting some serious déjà vous for a minute

This is a zombie thread, I sincerely hope Boffin boys cracked it by now

[EmmaWoodlouse]

Hi, #1 youngwoodlouse here. When I was a little larva my DM used to put a glass pebble in a jar if I wiped my bum really clean. When the jar was full we went to Legoland. I'm a fully grown woodlouse now and we still use the phrase "pebble-clean" for anything that is really, really clean.

I sympathise though, it's a steep learning curve. But DM wants me to learn to cook now and that's even harder.

[hibbleddible]

cervix what is elimination communication?

[BathshebaDarkstone]

MiniDarkstone here. My strategy is to examine the paper and announce "clean" when it's the first piece and covered in poo.

[BoffinMum]

I did announce at one stage I hated them all, EVEN Daddy.

[BoffinMum]

Three stickers now and counting.
Seven more to my comic.
I am a knight that says 'OK then'

[BoffinMum]

Well I have worked out that SOME people in this family will do the decent thing and wipe me, but MUMMY is the mean one who makes me do it all by my own now my arms are long enough. Although getting poo all down my legs and stuck to my ankles just before setting off for school has hopefully provided a disincentive to future wiping exhortations.

I have only got one sticker since Sunday.

[AnyFuckersfrogslegs35]

You think that you guys have problems - Sheesh!! At least you have hands

I'm not human, I'm a little hairy furball of a persian but I've got a few tricks for you all :)

My human mummy MUST wipe my bottom on occasions as I can't complete the task myself but sometimes a nasty lady comes and uses a noisy device in my bum area to remove my hair :(

Anyway,to get my revenge here's what I do to annoy mummy-
When your bum's not fully clean, go naked from the waist down and sit on the floor, open your legs and place your hands in front of you then proceed to drag your little arse across the floor/carpet, do it quickly and cover as much space as you can for maximum effect.

Rubbing naked bum on the side of the sofa or on mum's leg will guarantee a reaction too.

Good luck my little human friends, I hope you win your battles :)
Meow!

[phantomnamechanger]

1. poo in the toy box
   
2. look bemused while parents hunt for source of stench
   
3. deny all knowledge and blame burglars/mice/ghosts when the poop is found.
   
4. RESULT - they will escort you to and from the loo and clean your botty forevermore
   
   HTH juniorphantom

[TheNaughtySausage]

Oooooh you are all giving me lots of ideas! I still have to wear nappies but I do like to roll over the second mummy takes my nappy off so that I can make nice pooey smears on my changing mat. I've also discovered a lovely table covered in all sorts of interesting things just within reaching distance and one day I will squirm and wriggle all the way there while mummy is trying to keep me out of the pooey smears, bwa hahahahaaaaa!
From BabySausage aged 10 months