dd (13) thinks I am being totally unreasonable (so what's new) as I have taken her phone off her for the second time after she sent messages referencing anal sex and lube to a boy she barely knows (esp as one of the messages mentioned that said boy had asked my dd2 (only just turned 11) about lube - eurgghh. 
Apparently, this is classed as 'banter' - as was the previous set of messages to a different boy she barely knows about prostitution with reference to oral sex?! (Ironic and 'jokey', according to her.)
I do not think this kind of topic is appropriate for anyone of any age to text to someone they hardly know. There is also swearing too - I don't like to see this in texts either but am less bothered about this and am prepared to let this go.
Should add dd goes to an all girls' school so sees boys as rather more interesting than they actually are. 
She certainly has no actual sexual experience though reads EVERYTHING not nailed down eg newspapers, books etc, and though internet filters apply, I daresay the odd thing there may also have slipped through. Presumably teens talk about such matters as well, and she also presumably picks up the general porn-inspired culture around us, where women are supposedly expected to look and act like porn stars in all contexts, no matter how inappropriate.
I've tried talking to her but despair of making her understand - have told her that that kind of 'banter' in the workplace would lose you your job, that texting/messaging is not the same as chatting in the flesh, as stuff is recorded potentially forever; but though in the past she's claimed to understand my point, she is now just weeping that she neeeeds her phone back, I'm killing her social life without it, and that this kind of chat is actually not that bad and 'all teenagers do it'.
So, dear MN jury, is she right? Do 'all teens' 'banter' like this? Am I prude? Or , alternatively, is she way out of order/in need of help (what help???) and how do I get her to understand how normal adults (or even teens) interact with each other on phones (or off them)?
AIBU?
and an old prude to be upset by dd13's pornified take on life?
tantrumqueensmum · 27/11/2013 18:42
I cringe at the things I said at 15. At 13 I wanted to go to an all night party and DM said NO. I told her she was jealous and didn't want me to enjoy myself
. Everything was for show thinking I was such a woman of the world.
But it is right that the boys will believe the girls who say/text those things. It is leading them on and putting the girls in danger.
I think there's a big difference between " family time" (especially if labelled that, my own mother would throw up at the thought 
) and nice times just the two of you. She's growing up, ask her what she thinks of stuff, talk to her about your life and make her realise you are fundamentally a person who happens to also be her mum, laugh about things you both find funny (taking the mick out of her dad for instance, not in a mean way but you must know his habits pretty well).
Please don't give up trying to spend time with her, she will appreciate all your efforts even if she doesn't tell you
Also our schools have counsellors the students can access, it won't cost anything.
If not go to BACP website. they will have lists for your area, Some are charities and you pay as you can afford.
It is not a stigma any more to have counselling - you would be surprised at how many of us have it!! The school now has 2 full time counsellors for its students as well and there doesn't seem to be a problem seeing them.Keep telling her you love her and will always be there for her, but step back a bit from the lectures and leave that to an 'outsider'!!!
I used to buy my dd those cards with long lovely daughter verses in. and send love you texts. We didn't have to talk to each other and she told me she used to sleep with them and read them over and over(not till years later she admitted that though!!)
OhMerGerd, hoochycoo and ElephantsAndMiasmas - thank you for such great posts and interesting to see different perspectives.
I suppose I'm trying to strike a balance between both approaches, control and freedom/encouraging her to find her path. But safety has to come first for me. I've been talking to her about trying to find a win-win solution, where she gets her freedom and I get a knowledge she is safe - not quite sure what form that will take, but today let her message friends about homework in front of me and she was able to look at messages as her phone downloaded them which worked quite well as a teeny first step towards re-introducing phone use - think part of the issue is she wants her phone access because of fear of missing out on what her friends are up to as much as to message others - I'm happy for her to read (as what her friends write is fine!) just not post except monitored, until I've learnt to trust her a bit more.
hoooochycoo - LOVED your idea of getting her to read/write about feminist tracts in exchange for phone time. Absolutely wicked. But achieves beautifully a link between use of phone and understanding of why one shouldn't sext. She currently rolls her eyes when I mention feminism (As she does when I mention MN .) Also interesting suggestions of female artists to listen to - she claims to only like male indie stars eg Arctic Monkeys etc (yawn) so a bit of feminist attitude would make a nice change.
Because they were good! :-) honestly one of my favourite times of my life! The only thing bad about them was having to fight my mother for the freedom and respect I wanted! The only thing I regret was hurting her! Honestly. And I'm feeling passionate about it as this thread has got me thinking about it again! Anyway, have some flowers too! 
I too apologise, I don't think you are sad, only that its sad if 'a 13 year old' misses out on that stage of her life!!(still think you could look at why you are so' passionate' about being patronised and your teens being good!!!!) OK OK I'm going now 
hooochy
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