To have reported this woman for harassment in the work place?

[MoveYourArmsLikeHenry]

Dh and I have not been married for long. I am protestant and he is Catholic. Most people were happy for us and didn't give a shit about the cultural differences between us, only cared that we were happy togther, which we most definitely are.

There is this one woman who I work with who is very against "mixed religion" relationships. She wouldn't come to our wedding because it was against her beliefs, and she told us so. Fine, that's her choice and doesn't really affect me.

When work colleagues congratulated me on our marriage she would roll her eyes, tut, raise her eyebrows and generally just behave like a bored toddler. Didn't bother me because I had more bloody important things to worry about that her childish behaviour.

On friday though, she said something that, in my opinion, was bang out of order and downright rude. Another colleague who I am very friendly was telling me about her daughter's christening that is coming up shortly. She was telling me all the details of it; lovely church, nice godparents etc, and I told her how lovely it all sounded. Other colleague, who wasn't even involved in our discussion asked me "How are you going to christen your ds if you are different religion?" I politely told her that we have decided not to christen our son and let him choose to do so himself when he is older, if that's what he wants. She then starts telling me that it was "evil to do this to ds as he needs to be saved"

Cue me asking her what business is it off hers to judge how Dh and I raise our child, this was not appropriate and could she please stop. Only she wouldn't stop. She went as far to tell me that my marriage was "sinful"!

I can't believe someone say say such horrible, inappropriate things to someone else.

Was IU for reporting her to our manager for harassment? Ok, I know I wasn't but I still feel a bit "bad" for it.

[Raddy]

That's incredible, and awful.

I am Catholic as are our children, my husband is.. I don't even know what he is, I don't know if he was christened, his family are agnostic.

My parents are pretty devout, but we have never, ever come across any bigotry whatsoever.

I have 3 sisters and we have all married non catholics.

[AveryJessup]

My parents are very religious and would share some of the mindset of this person you work with, OP. They were not happy when I married my DH as he was 'Protestant' (in their eyes - he's technically Protestant but really an atheist).

Even then though they would never attack someone at work or in public like thus colleague of yours. It's just none of her business and she was way out of line to comment. You should definitely put in a grievance about this and have her behavior noted. She needs to learn that it's not appropriate to impose her prejudices on others this way. If you're in NI then it's even worse as I 'm pretty sure there are laws against sectarianism there these days due to the history.

[cjel]

Now I'm blushing

[CanucksoontobeinLondon]

OP, I'm in shock that this sort of open prejudice still exists. You were not even remotely unreasonable to report this lady to your boss. She totally crossed the line.

[Financeprincess]

Whilst your colleague's behaviour sounds ill-judged and silly, I don't understand why you found it advisable to report it to your manager. It's got nothing to do with your professional life. Were you trying to punish her somehow for saying something you didn't like? If so, I think you were rather spiteful. YANBU for being upset by her actions, but I think you were unreasonable for seeking vengeance by trying to get her into trouble at work for a personal disagreement with you.

[pianodoodle]

I miss Northern Ireland very much. I've been in England for 5 years now and although I'm happy, so many things don't compare to home.

However - this attitude I do not miss in the slightest! I find it embarrassing tbh. Only in N.Ireland would this be considered a "mixed" marriage it's a total joke.

Fortunately, your colleague is falling into the minority of people who still hold these views and I hope the numbers continue to drop.

You were absolutely right to report. She's a total dick.

Another good thing about being over here is despite coming from a "protestant" background (I'm an athiest anyway!) I intend to give my son due at Christmas a thoroughly nice Irish name that I've always liked :) and no one will bat an eyelid!

[KenDoddsDadsDog]

Financeprincess , it's deeply unacceptable in NI and can be extremely damaging not to mention illegal. It would be unacceptable in most work places but especially so where the OP lives.

[echt]

Financeprincess there is specific employment law regarding religious discrimination in NI ( if that's where this is happening) and if so, the OP was not BU to report the woman.

[TheHippywhowearsLippy]

Ywnbu at all, you did the right thing.

I live in Ireland & believe me these views are as common as busses. Religion is huge here & we have only discovered intergrated education where parents can choose to let their children mix with other religions but it's few & far between.

it's taken years of breaking boundaries just to make others see that we are all human & should live & let live.
I don't understand why the main land find it so unbelievable that this still goes on.

[echt]

Oops, cross post.

[treaclesoda]

I know this is off topic, but I think integrated education is a bit of a red herring. State schools, particularly grammar schools, have always had Catholic children attending them, albeit in small numbers (although off the top of my head I can think of a couple of state grammars with high numbers of Catholic pupils because there is no Catholic grammar school in the area), although granted I've never heard of a Protestant attending a Catholic school.

But my village primary could theoretically be rebranded as an integrated school tomorrow, but it would still be 100% Protestant because no Catholics live in this area.

I am pro integrated education btw, I'm not dismissing it, but its just not as clear cut as it might seem at first.

[pianodoodle]

I don't understand why the main land find it so unbelievable that this still goes on

In Northern Ireland we learned history of the whole of the British Isles. I don't think a lot of English schools do the same though so unless they've learned about it outside of school there often isn't much knowledge beyond what occasionally pops up on national news.

[PedantMarina]

Financeprincess, I've only bumped into you twice so far, and am not impressed. Workplace bullying is wrong, bigotry is wrong, and your efforts to get people to just suffer in silence is manifestly wrong.

You are also factually and legally wrong. The woman in this example doesn't even have to be a line manager for her bigotry to lead to a bullying environment. It doesn't have to be said in an appraisal, or any particular direct detriment to the OP's career. It doesn't even have to be in or anywhere near the office - if these remarks were made at a drinks do, they'd be just as bad as if they were said in a meeting. The woman's bigotry is creating a hostile environment.

I'm very concerned that some people might actually be guided by your comments.

There are laws against bigotry in the workplace. This has clearly been violated and the OP has the right, even the responsibility, to ensure that it doesn't flourish.

[KenDoddsDadsDog]

People don't learn about Irish history in England necessarily and don't live with it day to day. We did quite a lot as we were taught by Irish nuns. It has taken 15 years of connection to NI to learn that even saying 'mainland' can be contentious.

[RandomMess]

I think here on the mainland there just isn't this antoganism between catholic and protestant so it just seems to be so well odd, surreal, unbelievable.

We know about the troubles etc but here I guess it's more christian versus atheist tbh. Being a christian of any denomination is frowned upon IME - catholics and protestants are lumped in together.

[EvaBeaversProtege]

My guess would be NI too, I'm in NI & also on a 'mixed' marriage

You did right to report her. Her opinion is exactly that, an opinion & should not be foisted on you!!!

My dh would laugh at her comments too, but in sympathy for her & her narrow mindedness!!!

In my workplace comments like hers would absolutely be taken seriously.

I've only heard of christening/baptism cleansing children of original sin, not saving them!!!

She sounds like my hateful bitch of a SIL. Apparently she worries about our family not entering heaven as we're not Christian.... Myself & dc attend mass, have made our sacraments etc. Dh doesn't, but he's not a murderer, why would she worry about us?

[EvaBeaversProtege]

Oops. I've went on a bit there... Self projecting...

[pianodoodle]

She sounds like my hateful bitch of a SIL. Apparently she worries about our family not entering heaven as we're not Christian

Ah just tell her you thought about going to heaven - but then you heard she was thinking of going too so you changed your mind

[Financeprincess]

I don't remember you, Pedant Marina, but I'd suggest that you actually read my post before going off on a rant.

I made no comment about the OP's legal position. I gave an opinion, which is what the OP asked for. Nor is the individual who caused the offence the OP's line manager, as you seem to think. As for readers "being guided by my comments": this is AIBU, not the citizens' advice bureau. Grow up.

What I said is that the OP should put things into perspective. If we all went running to our managers demanding redress every time a colleague expressed an opinion we didn't like, nobody would get any work done. The OP clearly isn't 100% sure of whether she behaved appropriately, or she wouldn't be on here.

We've all worked with nutters. There are better ways of dealing with ill-judged remarks (e.g. gentle put downs, ignoring the remarks, asking the person politely to back off) than running to the boss and expecting him or her to fight your battles for you.

Please don't compare what the OP experienced to racism, by the way. It cheapens the experience of people who have genuinely suffered racial harassment.

OP, sorry not to have joined in with "oh, poor you, what a nasty lady!", but you did ask. It's understandable that you're upset, but I wouldn't have dealt with it in the same way.

Pedant Marina, I hope you enjoy stalking me on different threads, where you will no doubt find other opportunities to be unimpressed!

[maddening]

send her this link :-)

[EvaBeaversProtege]

pianodoodle.

Finance - it seems it's not been a one-off, it's been an ongoing thing. As a one-off I could understand that maybe it didn't come out how she meant it to, but as something that's been repeatedly commented on, OP was correct in reporting.

[KenDoddsDadsDog]

Sectarianism is as hate fuelled as racism. Ignorance drives both Financeprincess.

[FryOneFatManic]

FinancePrincess I have been a manager in several positions (some even in finance).

I would definitely want to be appraised of this attitude by the colleague. If unchecked, this can cause a bad atmosphere in the office leading to a lack of productivity, and much time wasted in trying to rectify the situation.

And yes, I've been there as a manager, having to deal with a situation that got out of hand because the victim didn't want to go "running to our managers demanding redress every time a colleague expressed an opinion we didn't like", who felt she should be fighting her own battles. But this kind of attitude can affect everyone in an office, so that automatically made it my business.

[MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams]

If you were Muslim and your dh were christian and she spoke like this, people would instantly say she was being racist/bigotted/prejudical. Just because its Catholic/Protestant, doesnt make it 'ok'.

Report her.

[PedantMarina]

Henry, didn't ask earlier, but how did it go? When did you report it? Have you have any progress yet?