being undermined by parents

[smallmomma]

My dd is 10. I have had quite a few issues with her behaviour in the past.
During a fall out with my parents - I managed to get some form of control back.
Speaking to them again, and we are seeing changes in my dd again. Which im willing to accept, if she accepts and respects my rules, and remember that I am the mother.

A few weeks back my dd wanted somw shoes. So we spent 5 hours trailing around shoe shops. She spent most of her time looking everywhere but the shoes. Me, my oh and my other dc were showing her shoes tht she may have liked and she kept saying no.
Needless to say, we got fed up and went home. Shoeless.
Which she then moans to my parents about. As if im a bad person not buying her shoes.
I took her to asda for shool shoes as they were needed. Again she looked everywhere but. In the end i said you picn, or i pick. So she picked some yay!
Then i thought, we would get her a coat.
The same thing happened. If you dont pick, i will. So she picked.
Now its not a bad coat. She is the only one who has problems with it. My point is - you picked it!!

So she has been moaning to my mam and dad again. After repeatedly asking me to buy another.
We have had 3 bdays this month, halloween and preparing for xmas. I have 4 kids.
I dont have the funds to just buy her a coat willy nilly when her current coat is brand new!
We have had huge arguements over her refusal to wear it, and trying to go to school in the freezing cold rain. Which puts across that i wont buy her a coat - as that is her intention.
She made my parents feel sorry for her. So yesterday she came back from grandparents with a new coat.
Which just pissed me right off!

All my arguements, battles and persistence. For what!?
Now i look like the bad one for saying they shouldnt have done that!

Am i being unreasonable here?

[FunkyFucker]

You are not insane. Your posts are articulate and make perfect sense. You are the victim of bad parenting and they are using all their efforts to basically buy your daughter off you.

Stick to your guns.

[smallmomma]

Thank you funky!
I am going to stand my ground from now on.
I just wish i could have a normal functioning family. A family that done the normal things, like supporting instead of making things more difficult.

At least I know what not to do with my dc. So far i think im doing a pretty good job. Just need to stop them dragging me down.
I will also do what someone suggested earlier.
Make remarks about my mothers parenting when she comments on mine!

[FunkyFucker]

Absolutely...like 'you can't talk you spent the whole of my childhood in an alcohol induced fug...no wonder you can't remember what the role of a parent is...

That sort of thing.

[MrsOsbourne]

Your mother resents you because you are a good person and specifically a good mother.
She will only be able to see anything from her point of view so you being a good mother will challenge her and she cant ever accept that she was wrong.
We cannot change others - it is futile to try and do so and also not appropriate as they, not us are responsible for their behaviour- although they will have trained you to think its your fault or responsibility.

Keep listening to your OH

[puntasticusername]

Have you ever had any counselling to try and help you make sense of your family situation? You mentioned contact with a MH worker further up the thread, but counselling specifically? If not, it might be worth considering. Again, sorry if I'm just retreading old ground!

[MrsOsbourne]

You can have a normal functioning family - your own !
Think of yourself not as their child but as your DC mother.

[smallmomma]

Lol funky. Yeah that sounds like a good one. I can just imagine her disgusted face!
MrsO you have very good points there. That probably is the case, considering it all seems to be based around my dc and any decision which involves my dc!

Punt, I have spoken to cpns about it in the past. They also came to the conclusion that my mother was trying to relive my childhood through my dd.
I think i may need to though.

[puntasticusername]

Yeah, it might be worth looking into. With the caveat that it won't be a magic bullet that will suddenly turn all your family relationships perfect, nor is it likely to give you all the answers you're looking for about why your parents are the way they are and why they treat you the way you do.

However, it should give you some more tools to help handle your own feelings, interact with your parents (assuming you do want to) and move forward more happily with your life.

[alcibiades]

I did wonder whether your parents were subconsciously trying to do it right this time round, but they're not, are they? They're still making wrong and selfish decisions.

You're not a bad person. You are trying to climb out of that pit your parents dumped you in. If AttilaTheMeerkat were here, she'd explain more succinctly that you are in the FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt - concerning your parents.

You don't need to feel guilty about going no-contact with them - "but she's your mother!" - so what?, she was a crap mother. You don't have any obligations towards them - they didn't fulfill their obligation to love and care for you properly when you were a child, did they? The only fear that's appropriate is that they might entice your daughter away from you.

Keep talking here for as long as you need. As you can probably tell, there are many of us who had experience of a crappy (or worse) childhood, and that's why we can understand (a) the dysfunctional dynamics of your original family, and (b) how difficult it can be to get free of that.

[BlingBang]

My father was very hard to live with and quite mentally abusive. He just drags you down and sucks the life from you. The only way to deal with him is to detach really. You can try and match him verbally and think you can give as good as you get (and I did for many years) but you don't win - he still manages to get the reaction he wants and poisons everything. I might tackle him head on and not back down but it takes it toll an I'm the one who suffers in the end. The only way I could really deal with it was to detach and not engage with him, take away his power to see you all riled up and upset.

I don't know your parents but they sound toxic and I doubt you will win with them or know peace if you engage with them.

[smallmomma]

I cant thank you all enough for your support on this.
And to think I came here actually feeling quite bad - as if maybe I was in the wrong and i just couldnt see it!
So thank you all for that.
I will keep talking here, as I feel i need it especially with my self doubt.

[smallmomma]

I am also sorry to hear thay a lot of you have gone through a similar thing :-( thank you for sharing your stories xxx

[Justforlaughs]

I think you've done a great job! I might have suggested that her grandparents kept the coat until Christmas and gave it to her then, (thus allowing YOU to buy something more "fun") but other than that I would have done exactly the same as you.

[ghostonthecanvas]

You have done so well without your parents. That is what you need to keep saying to yourself. Totally agree you need to stand firm. I would go so far as to say you need to take charge. You put down the rules. They need to follow. If thats too confrontational and if they will use the idea of you being in control to manipulate others, walk away. I too have had a challenging upbringing and you cannot underestimate the power of a simple "fuck the fuck off away from me" which can be surprisingly unconfrontational. is that even a word? and apologies for swearing. Always seems stronger when written

[ZombieMojaveWonderer]

Wow my parents would never do that to me. They always back me up and check with me first before buying them anything. When my mum visits (every week) she brings sweets but she always asks me before they see them whether they have been good and can have them. I am very lucky with my mum to be honest.
In your position though I would certainly return the coat and ask them to check with you in the future.

[smallmomma]

Yeah i think taking charge is a must. But probably the most difficult task as im so submissive.

I too thought parents were supposed to be supportive and caring and not so judgemental. But i guess mine are the opposite.
I am just pleased i dont have that side of them in my personality.

I tried a while ago to be understanding of how they were. I even went as far as saying that i understood they may have had rough or difficult upbringings and if they could tell me if this was part of the reason behind their behaviour i would accept ir and understand.
I got no response, i got defence instead.
My dad says he would write me a letter on hks death bed.
Which i found a little bit over the top.
And a bit hurtful.

I am going to plod along at the minute and see what comes about.
I havent heard from them today. But they want me to watch their dog on the 7th while they go to scotland for the day.
I should have said no but they made me feel guilty.
My mam doesnt cross the doors, you see. My sis wouldnt watch him coz hes too much

[smallmomma]

In fact, on the 7th im going to say what they used to say to me..."you shouldnt have got the dog in the first place".

I bet they will be disgusted. Even though they said it to me whenever i said anything about my dog.

[DIYapprentice]

My dad says he would write me a letter on his death bed

WTF??? What a way to get the last word in!! If he says that again tell him 'don't bother, if you wont' talk to me then I won't read any death bed confessions/recriminations'

[Chippednailvarnish]

You really don't have to plod on with a relationship with them, I think you would do better without them.

[smallmomma]

I know. I cant help but feel bad that they would grow old and may need me and im not there.
I also feel bad on my childrens behalf - not having their grandparents because ive had a falling out with them.

Maybe they arent even worth my thoughts. Sometimes i feel that is the case. But then my soft/guilty side comes about and i cant cope no matter what decision i make

[AnandaTimeIn]

I really would get some counselling to deal with your awful upbringing and to help make you stronger in dealing with your parents now.

They sound horrendous! And you sound lovely (and strong!). Glad OH is seeing it for what it is too.

And yes, do read Toxic Parents.

If you don't get a handle on this now, like PPs say, you are in for a hell of a teenage ride....

[puntasticusername]

Your children "not having their grandparents because you've had a falling out with them" - oh, but it's a tiny bit more than that isn't it!

The fact that you continue to feel this bad about things just shows you're a good person yourself.

Definitely keep talking!

[ipswichwitch]

My mam was singled out for the worst of the crappy treatment by her alcoholic mother. Her sisters were treated very badly but mam had the most spiteful behaviour directed at her. She never knew why - never will now gran has died, and frankly I think it's pointless looking for answers. There won't be any real concrete reasons, and your fathers "deathbed letter" is just more bollocks to keep you dangling.

I was always my grans favourite, and she went to great lengths to demonstrate it to the detriment of my brother and cousins. Your DC do not need this in their lives, so you should never feel guilty for not keeping contact going. They do not need the sort of grandparents who will drive a wedge between siblings in such a way. It damaged the relationship between me n my brother.

I wish my mam had done more to detach herself, for her own self preservation. She has zero self confidence, and wound up being the one doing all the caring for her when she got ill, which just made my mam ill too. You need to withdraw, you have nothing to feel guilty for. They have made their bed - let them lie in it. And yes, if they ask you to look after their dog, say no and "we'll you shouldn't have got a dog". Give them what they give you. I wish my mam had been brave enough to do the same.

[ghostonthecanvas]

Some of the happiest most, trouble free days of my life were the years I spent parent free. I got sucked back in occasionally. Things have improved in later years but more because I don't take any crap and my mother has realised that she was fecking usless. They never undermined me in front of the kids though. I hope this thread gives you the extra strength you need. Your kids will be better off not having grandparents that disrespect their mother.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

But they want me to watch their dog on the 7th while they go to scotland for the day

Oh I can't I'm meeting up for the day with my friend Funky.

There you go, perfect excuse.

Don't tell them we are meeting on here of course