To ask how you split childcare if you and your partner both work?

[MamaBear17]

Long, tedious story short, my husband and I are both teachers. We work in different schools. I am a middle manager so have two areas of responsibility and a team of 8 to manage, in addition to being a class teacher, dh is a class teacher, however he works in primary so does have a fairly heavy workload too. We both work f/t. Currently, dh takes our dd (2) to nursery on two mornings and picks her up 2 evenings. I take her three mornings and pick her up two evenings. The 5th evening is split between us depending on when we have meetings etc. DD has to be picked up by 3.45. We are on a school hours contract with the nursery and would have to pay extra for her to stay later (which we cant afford). Anyway, we seem to have a re-occurring situation where dh complains that he is getting behind on work or people are commenting that he is leaving early during the week - I should point out that most weeks he stays late three nights a week and I leave 'early' three nights a week to pick dd up. I have tried my best to make it fair, I do more pick ups and drop offs than he does but cannot lose the two nights I stay behind because I have to cram in all of my meetings and extra curricular into those times. On the face of it, he gets the better deal despite a lighter workload, but makes me feel like I am being unreasonable because I get cross when he starts complaining about doing too many of the pick ups. We both have to work in the evenings in order to make the situation work, but I am happy to do it because it means that we do get to spend some time with dd (she goes to bed at 6.30 - if we picked her up any later we'd never see her). My question is this: is my husband hard done by in having to do an almost equal share of the childcare? Family members have made comments in the past about how when their children were little the man wasn't expected to do any of the childcare because he was busy working, and if he was the only one who worked I would agree. However, the fact that I am the main earner seems to fall on deaf ears. I feel a bit like I am being made to feel like a battleaxe for insisting that we share childcare and household chores, but I just cant do everything.

[whatever5]

You are not being unreasonable about the fact that childcare should be shared equally between you if both work fulltime. However, I do sympathise a bit with your DH. It's really difficult if colleagues and/or management suggest that you're not pulling your weight because you leave early. Some people just don't seem to notice that you arrive early, work lunchtimes or work at home etc. They just see and believe what they want. I know that you are in a similar position but it may be a bit easier for you if you have a management position and he doesn't.

Could your dd not stay in nursery a bit later two days a week?

[Pilgit]

Oh god this has really made me cross. I have recently gone back full time as main earner. Loads of people have asked how I manage child care. I have stopped politely explaining and just tell them the dc have 2 parents. ..
They NEVER ask male colleagues how they manage. Grrft

[moonbells]

I do all drop-offs and pick-ups and work f/t. DH leaves at 7am to catch a train and gets back at 6.30pm. We run into trouble if I am ill, rather like I suspect a single parent would in similar circumstances.

Wish we could share as I'd have an easier life, but I'm the one who works near the school and he's a commuter. I earn more, too. It's never as simple as it appears to begin with! If DH were in my line of work, was close to the school and didn't do half the pickups etc he'd get very short shrift from me!

[clam]

pilgit Has it been said anywhere that his colleagues are making comments about him leaving early because he is male? I gathered that is is because he's just leaving early on a regular basis?
IF it is the case that their workload is increased, or compromised, by him not being on site enough, then they may have a point.

[ThePitOfStupid]

Clam, has it been said anywhere that his colleagues are picking up his jobs? The comments reported do not say that,

If they are then that is a problem that needs solving, yes.

[clam]

Which is why I said IF. In heavy type.

But I have to say, in the schools I have worked in, and others I am familiar with, it would be looked upon very unfavourably to leave at that sort of time on such a regular basis. Male or female.

[clam]

But the fact that colleagues are making pointed comments is an indication that there might be an issue.

[MamaBear17]

Hi, okay Im going to try and address a few points raised and update. Firstly, dh's key stage team are fine with our arrangement, the people who made the comments work in a different key stage; so, there really isn't any 'picking up of slack' going on. At all. We both manage to get our work done within the time we have. H feels that he is falling behind on his marking by leaving early. Tonight he stayed behind and I picked DD up. He got home at just before 5. Apparently, he was doing his marking but noticed everyone else had left, so he did! He could have stayed later but chose not to. I find that a bit annoying but hey ho.We have talked and he does feel that it might be a sexist thing either his colleagues. I don't know. Schools can be bitchy places to work, they may well have name the same comments to a woman.
As for my job, due to how well I have done in multiple areas over the last few years, SLT want to put me through the NPQSL qualification - basically the qualification you take before you apply for a deputy headship. I have declined. It isn't the right time for me because Id like to have another baby in a year or so. My point is, despite my childcare commitments, I am doing a good job.
Anyway, having spoken to dh more calmly today, we have decided to put dd in for an early start once a week. This is dh's idea, he thinks the extra half hour will help him to stay on top. He is also going to stand up to the colleagues making comments. The time he leaves doesn't affect them in anyway at all and dh agrees they are just being judgy. Thank you to all who replied, really appreciate it.

[ThePitOfStupid]

Sorry clam, you did

But I have experienced people making "part-timer" comments just for the sake of stirring, not cos it affects them at all.

Sounds like a good solution. OP.

[DoItTooJulia]

I think your DH needs to find something to say to his detractors!

Along the lines of, yes. I leave at this time on x day and x day every week. I've been in since six thirty.

Or next time the colleague who says it rocks up at 8am say to them, late again?

This would really piss me off. He needs to manage his colleagues responses and not let them affect him!

Good luck sorting it out!

[nextphase]

Sounds like an excellent solution - his problem, and his answer to it - hope the cash flow stands up to it.

[TeacupDrama]

I am struggling to understand how two FT teachers not anywhere near the bottom of pay scale but in middle management roles can not afford 2-3 hours child care extra a week, something somewhere does not add up,

maybe OP could suggest that if DH would prefer to do more of his work in school rather than at home that he paid for extra childcare

[MamaBear17]

Dh is m2. Only just starting his career really. I am middle management. We have a big mortgage.

[Peanate]

DH and I both work FT and juggle the kids between us. One if us drops them off (so is a bit late), and the other leaves a bit early to collect them from after school care. We swap out depending on who has meetings.

DH hasn't had any negative comments as far as I know (he's relatively senior so does his own thing). I'm mid level, and have had a fair few snarky comments in my direction. I've had an arrangement with work that I can leave Hal an hour early when I need to pick up, and I balance that out with starting early, and I'm always happy to work late or weekends when it's busy.

I've just had an incident where someone was majorly out of line with a comment to me about it, so I got HR involved (advice from another senior person). I've since had my contract amended to take the fixed hours out, and replaced with an average of 40 hours across the week. So far so good.

It's TOUGH balancing kids and FT work. Especially when you have unnecessary and snarky comments to deal with. I think the most important thing is for you and your DH to be understanding of each other's pressures and pull equal weights. I'd also highly recommend finding the money for that extra day of care if you can.

[50shadesofmeh]

In this house 3 kids both of us work full time shifts, I do lots of night shifts so does husband we split everything 50/50 all childcare , household chores etc its great and totally ideal if you ask me. Bugger the people who seem to think mean should somehow not take part in sorting out childcare, it makes me angry actually.

[Peanate]

Oh yes 50shades. The anger that I had after that final comment to me. It's quite frankly none of anyone else's business what your arrangements are with management / HR in terms of flexible hours for childcare (assuming you aren't taking the piss of course).

OP - as someone said upthread, your DH needs to man up and tell his colleagues to back off with the out of line comments.

[clam]

"Bugger the people who seem to think men should somehow not take part in sorting out childcare"
But, apart from a couple of relatives (whose opinions, frankly, don't count in this case) where has it been established that the work colleagues are objecting because he is male?

[ShinyBlackNose]

How do we split the child care? We both work shifts, he's full time and I'm part time. Due to the shift pattern DH works I work on his days off, when he's at work I'm off.

I think there are supposed to be three days a month when we are both off, but various things get in the way and we can easily go a month or more without spending a single day together as a family.

So, whoever isn't at work is responsible for child care. I'm responsible for housework and gardening.

[50shadesofmeh]

I have it implied all the time Clam ' oh the kids dad has them ?' When I'm on 3rd 12 hour nightshift.
Or ' how do you find time to do housework?'
Er there are 2 adults in the household.

[clam]

So, tell them that!
I must live in a parallel universe to some of you because in my world, all the blokes take care of their kids, cook, do their share of chores and pay their way. It's just not an issue.

But I repeat, the OP's dh's colleagues don't appear to be making remarks because he is male and rushing off - just that he is rushing off.

[BackforGood]

Same here Clam, and I also agree this is about being a Primary school teacher, and what the expectations are for that role, and not about him being male.
Peanate - It is your business when you work in a situation where you need to sit down with a colleague to plan things or moderate things,or share information, and that colleague isn't available often enough.

[Bue]

I think YABU in having your DD in a full time school hours only contract, tbh, although I do appreciate that M2 pay is really low! (And I see you are going to put her in for an early start once a week, which I think is a good idea!).

I know a lot of teachers (and am married to one) and leaving at 3:30 on a regular basis is not a practice I am familiar with, so I can understand that it doesn't go down well with colleagues. Flexibility is very important but I also think there needs to be a reasonable assumption of core hours in any workplace, or how do you plan things? Run meetings?

[KeepingUpWithTheJonses]

Df and I both work full time. We have ds1 in full time school and ds1 in am nursery from 8.50 - 11.20.
Df is off on a Wednesday and I work compressed hours (11 hour days) so am off on a Thursday and Friday. We're both off on a Sunday.

So our only childcare is on a Monday and Tuesday, where ds2 goes to a childminder 11.30 - 6.30 and ds1 from 3.30 - 6.30 (df picks them up after finishing) and both of them from 8.45 - 12.10 on a Saturday.

We're lucky in that both of our jobs are flexible, so on a Monday and Tuesday df takes his lunch hour 11-12 to pick ds2 up from school and drop him to the childminder and I take mine at 3-4 to do the same for ds1.

I don't know how people with standard 9-5's afford childcare tbh (if they have young kids anyway). We pay enough as it is, 9-5 for 5 days would be a huge stretch.

[clam]

A lot of primary school work is team-based. And it's quite difficult to manage that if people aren't there during the only available times to meet, which is usually after school. That might be why his colleagues are becoming vocal. It's just not appropriate to say "none of their business." It is their business if it impacts on their ability to get the job done.

[Wuldric]

Family members have made comments in the past about how when their children were little the man wasn't expected to do any of the childcare because he was busy working

Wrong family mate. Absolutely ridiculous behaviour. Do not stand for it.