Me being hormonal or her being cheeky as fuck?

[Anjou]

My hormones are all over the shop at the moment so I'm totally prepared to be told I'm being overly touchy, but I do think my friend has been pretty rude about my kids.

My friend and I have known each other for about 15 years. We get on BRILLIANTLY in terms of having an amazing laugh. our friendship was built on going out in London in our early twenties, so it was all quite raucous. We're now in our late 30's and we accept that - particularly as I've now moved away - we're not as physically close or 'there' for each other. We're both fine with this and stay in touch by text, phone and say "we MUST meet up soon!" all the time without making plans to actually do so. Fine.

She's very much still a good time girl while I'm married with 2 DS. She asks about them and occasionally I'll send her photos. Sent her a photo yesterday - the first one in about 4 months probably - and she texted back "they're very Scottish looking!". DH is Scottish, we live in Scotland. Unsure what she meant, I texted "In what way?" Her reply "well, a diplomatic answer would be round faced and jolly?! LOL"

For a start I fucking hate 'LOL' and all that crap, but has she just called my kids fat?!!! They're 2.5 & 8 months old. They're not overly chubby but I'm not even annoyed by her suggesting they are (because they're not). I'm annoyed that she's made what seems to be a disparaging comment rather than a nice one.

I was tempted to text back "actually, that wasn't diplomatic at all" but I've decided to leave it. I've also decided not to send any more photos as she's said many times she won't be having any kids and so probably isn't that interested (although she does ask about them which is why I sent photos in the first place).

AIBU to be upset? Have I got hold of the wrong end of the stick? Prepared to be told to go Grip shopping!

[VoiceofRaisin]

what isn'tme says.

You are being a little bit hormonal - I suspect it was a (unfunny) joke that fell flat. I take it they weren't wearing kilts and sporrens?

Anyway, aren't all babies and toddlers quite round faced? Nothing to take offence at. And jolly cannot be taken as an insult, can it?

Take it lightheartedly if you can. I bet your DC are gorgeous.

[BloodiedGhouloshes]

TBH, I would have been offended too. The words 'to be diplomatic' is fucking rude.

[backwardpossom]

Scottish looking? Eh? Disappointed my kids aren't Scottish looking, really, going by her definition. Maybe I should dye their hair red and dress them in tartan.

[PrimalLass]

I'm Scottish and wouldn't be offended by that.

[Anjou]

Thanks for the replies. I thought there was more than just a bit of touchiness on my part, but I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought her comment strange/nippy.

It could be, as some have said, that she DOES want kids of her own. I hadn't considered that. She has always been very kind though, so not really one for using the old schadenfreude.

Ted, Simon Pegg! I'm sure your wee one is a lot more cute now. Not that Simon Pegg isn't, actually ...

Fanjo, that's just it. We ARE good friends. I value our friendship and want to address it (I think) but not in an inflammatory way. Question is, how?

Re: 'Looking Scottish'. This is the thing that bothers me. She seems to be saying that she has to be diplomatic about the fact they're round faced and 'Scottish looking'. I just don't get it, but it comes off as unpleasant rather than complimentary.

For me, it's not a question of whether we remain friends. We will. It's just whether I address it or keep schtum. Maybe have a cup of tea and sit on it for a bit.

[nicename]

I think she was being cheeky as she even said 'the diplomatic answer would be'.

[itsn0tmeitsyou]

I get the looking Scottish thing. Some babies look French, some look Scandinavian, some look German etc etc. There's a particular look that obviously not everyone in a country shares, but enough people do for it to be noticed. She probably just thought you had noticed it too, and doesn't realise that we don't see in our own children's faces what other people do.

[itsn0tmeitsyou]

however I agree she does seem to be implying that looking Scottish is not a great thing.... so you talk about it, but then I'm trying to imagine how that conversation could go anywhere that you want it to go, though? have some chocolate and try and do something more fun...

[MissDD1971]

Mum - v - non mum here.

she said something a bit insensitive (and IA with other posters) maybe she felt awkward - didn't know what to say etc. don't forget, you're not bessie mates anymore so she I take it doesn't interact with your kids a lot etc. dare i say it, she even finds them boring?!

but she didn't say anything totally rude imo. she would have BU if she'd called them fat etc or said what was on her mind. but jmo.

I'd forget and move on.

[Anjou]

Oh, forgot to say. I'm of Mediterranean origin. I know we all think our kids are gorgeous, but we can also be objective. DS1 really is a showstopper. I literally get stopped in the street all the time with him. DS2 isn't as much a stunner but is still very cute! They both have my colouring with very large dark eyes, so wouldn't be classed as typically 'Scottish'. (I'm assuming that a lot of folk outside of Scotland think big ginger beards, a kilt & bagpipes is typical, so ... no. ). I'm just mentioning this as some if you might reasonably think that if they're fair, red haired with rosy cheeks then they look 'Scottish'. They don't.

[MissDD1971]

Scottish looking - celtic looking?! Ewan McGregor??!!

I'm sure she wasn't being rude. not intentionally. you could have a talk with her briefly if you're THAT upset about it.

[MissDD1971]

On reading again, I swear she didn't know what to say, and said something thoughtless, tactless but not meant unkindly.

she just didn't think. is that such a crime?!

[Rosencrantz]

So she said that they look like their dad? Hardly an insult!

[LazyGaga]

Well you don't really need to think do you? The automatic response on seeing someone's children is "Ahh, they're very cute/sweet/lovely etc etc" whether you think it or not. It's one of the social niceties of life. Even long before I was a parent I knew that.

[lljkk]

was your friendship built on silly cheeky throwaway comments?
I think that's how she meant OP to take it.

[thebody]

to be fair most babies are gorgeous to the parents while the rest of us see Winstone Churchill in a babygro.

I have admired some truly shocking friends babies but they have all turned out nice.

obviously like Anjou all of mine were stunners.

[itsn0tmeitsyou]

I do my best thinking when sorting the socks, and they're all paired off nicely now.

When you were in your 20s living it up did you ever think anyone else's babies were cute? I know I didn't. Even my own relatives. Mostly I thought they were snotty, pukey, bit dirty, didn't really want to interact with them. Now I think mine are all sensational, even though I know that my DH and I are distinctly average looking. There is a tiny part of my brain which occasionally wonders if they are just average looking too, but I shut it off immediately before any more self-doubt creeps in to my life. I generally find everyone else's babies and children very cute these days too. Some kind of maternal thingie in the brain make-up has changed things I expect.

You have to accept that your friend is still in this zone. She has not got her maternal brain thingie switched on, so still sees other people's children like many of us used to. Also, she will know your face like the back of your hand, so will mainly see the parts she doesn't recognise, i.e. the Scottish bits.

I also agree with lljkk that I bet your friendship banter contains a lot of cheeky throwaway comments, and she has just completely and utterly failed to understand that your children are off limits for this banter.

Tell her you were a bit hurt, maybe explain why, because I just don't think she would understand, since she hasn't got children.

[Anjou]

Thanks for the comments everyone. (Another drip feed bit: she knows my DH very well too and knows that he isn't 'Scottish' looking either).

Anyway, Itsn0tmeitsyou, yes. You're right. This is what I've been thinking about (charging around a toddler group rather than pairing socks!) and I've decided I'll say something like "I love you very much and that's why I need to tell you that your comment upset me. I don't think you meant to be rude or upset me. I don't know what you were thinking but I think it's a good idea to tell you how I feel about it so that we can sort it rather than it become a big thing for me, without you even knowing I'm upset".

Or something. I'll work it out.

Thanks for taking the time to comment, ladies. Much appreciated.

[nicename]

Sometimes people without babies can be unbelievably crass with their comments. It was meant as a jibe (like you'd say to a friend 'who on earth cut your hair, edward scizzorhands??') But she doesn't know better than to mess with a mummy!

I'm Scottish and have no idea what she meant. Fat? Common? Ugly? Deep fried? There isn't really a 'scottish look'.

[MissDD1971]

I think personally she said it without realising it. and was stuck for something to say maybe....

A mum I know (wife of DS of friend of mine) once told me "what do you say to other people when their babies are ugly, some of them really are?!" but I think hope she was too nice and tactful to actually say this.

[Milkjug]

Tbh, I don't buy the 'mummy vs non-mummy' argument. I wasn't a mother till I had a child eighteen months ago at 39, and there is no way I was going around making 'pseudo-diplomatic' comments on the appearance of my friends' children!

Doesn't it come under the same brand of commonsense courtesy as 'don't slag off other people's parents/husbands etc even if they do'?

[GoldenGytha]

I'm Scottish, and have three Scottish DC,

I'm a bit at the "Scottish Looking" thing too,

She does seem to be implying that it isn't a good thing to "look Scottish"

[IronOrchid]

Parents or not, people who like kids think they're cute. People who don't like kids find them decidedly uncute.

If she's one of the latter and childfree by choice then she won't find your offspring endearing. Maybe she meant they were 'bonny' looking? Not worth ending a friendship over.

[GrendelsMum]

I think there's a particular hair colour I associate with Scottish people - a sort of reddy sandy golden colour, with quite pale skin and pink cheeks.