DP, EXH and Christmas

[NachoAddict]

This could be long and I am in work so I may not reply quickly so I will put in as much as I can to cover any questions...

EXH and I seperated almost 3 years ago just before christmas. This coming christmas will be the forth since we split. We were together seven years but it was a stormy relationship due to domestic violence from him to me. Regardless the state of our relationship at the time we always managed to spend christmas together with the kids, including the first one after we split.

I moved DP in with us very quickly so the second christmas after EXH and I seperated DP was there. He refused point blank to let EXH come round on christmas day as it was the first time he had had his DD overnight on christmas eve. This caused a lot of problems between EXH and I, he was not happy that he didnt see the kids untill boxing day.

Last year EXH put his foot down and said since I had the kids the previous year he was taking them for dinner and over night. I still had christmas morning with them until 11am but the rest of the day was terrible for me. I missed them so much. we also only had DSD for an hour or two last year.

This year EXH has said that he would like to come round on christmas morning and watch the kids open their presents and spend an hour or two with them before leaving us to get on with the day.

I don't think that is unreasonable, I think the kids would love it (8 & 5) and that as grown ups we should be able to manage a couple of hours in each others company for their sake.

We don't know when we will be having DSD this year as her mum hasn't decided yet.

I have spent lots of time with DP's ex for the sake of keeping relations easy. we have many times eaten a meal together at MILs etc.

Would I be unreasonable to expect DP to allow EXH a couple of hours with his kids on christmas morning?

[PourquoiPas]

Well done OP!

[Bogeyface]

Minimizing is a normal way to protect oneself in a bad situation, we all say "Well, it could be worse.....". But when you have done this for so long it can be a hard habit to break which is why I think that the internet has been the biggest gift to abused women.

Before online support you would never have been sure just how bad it was, especially if you have family or friends who have a vested interest in your maintaining your marriage because it suits their status quo. Place like MN allow others to say "Fuck no! You are NOT over reacting/BU/causing a fuss" etc.

You have done it once, now you know that you can do it again :)

[NachoAddict]

Funnily enough, that's what people always say about me, that I am strong. it always seems odd as I cant imagine doing anything other than carrying on.

Hand overs went well today, as if nothing had ever happened. It has inspired me to stick to my guns from now on.

I don't think I could have done it without all the amazing women and great insight on this thread. Xxx

[dreamingbohemian]

I'm just so glad you've had a good result so far and are thinking about things a bit differently. You sound like such an amazingly strong woman. I hope you'll keep us posted on how things go and good luck!!

[NachoAddict]

Don't worry cjel it took awhile for it to dawn on me too. Haha.

you are right as always dreaming minimizing is always part of it, I think that's how we stayed together so long but I need to break the habit.

The support I have received on this thread is overwhelming and a few of you should consider a career in this area if your not already doing it.

[dreamingbohemian]

Oh my word, you did not overreact! He threatened your DP with violence and was very aggressive about the whole thing. Not to mention his history. Please don't think you overreacted -- I imagine that's part of the whole cycle of abuse, to minimise things once he starts being reasonable. But try to nip that in the bud too, otherwise you will start doubting yourself, and you need to keep up the firm boundaries for all your sakes.

[Inertia]

You didn't over - react at all. You responded to a threatening demand with a reasonable and measured message. This led to an outcome which suits everyone.

Saying " no more" to threats is not hysterical.

[PorkPieandPickle]

Really glad to check back and see how things have gone, you're sounding like a different person already :)

It's really good to see you sticking up for yourself. Hang in there. I hope it all stays calm at Sundays pick up x

[AgentZigzag]

Shitty you had/have to put with such a man, but it's an amazing thread seeing it dawn on you.

You ROCK Nacho keep that confidence up.

[StuntGirl]

Don't feel like you over reacted - you didn't in the slightest. You were firm and took control and placed firm boundaries. I suspect this is the first time you have ever done that to him. Keep doing it! He does not deserve a place in your lives, and don't ever forget what he is capable of. Keep him at as much as a distance as is reasonable with the children - he is a nasty piece of work and not someone who deserves to be invited into your lives.

[cjel]

I meant!!!

[cjel]

oopps I think I didn't read all the thread before posting, sorry. Ignore what I put before, I thought he was friendly reasonable person. How wrong could I be?[embarrassed]

[Bogeyface]

I do think that you being firm and not rolling over is a good start. You stuck to your guns for the first time, no wonder you were in a state. FWIW I dont think you over reacted at all, he is a dangerous and abusive man, standing up to them is very frightening.

But now you have a tool to use next time he kicks off. Dont answer the phone and communicate by text as much as possible.

[cjel]

porkpie its not dsds home ,she has one with her mum.
DP doesn't like his ex or yours? does he have a habit of not liking people?
I would do what you and ex want, its a load of tosh that after 4 christmas they will get confused about boundaries. They are well aware of who lives with who and this is different again to their last few christmas's so why not do what you all want? if dp had his daughter he wouldn't worry about what you wanted to do.
You are being very good parents to want to do this. well done.

[NachoAddict]

Its possible that it is down to his gf, they had the kids for lunch last year though so maybe not.

I am just glad that he is being reasonable so I'm not about to question it.

I feel like I was hysterical and over reacting now.

Will definitely give him a fee options from now on, it worked well!

Huge thanks for all the advice and support.

[Bogeyface]

Hmm, I smell GF involvement too.....

[Inertia]

Sounds like the outcome you wanted, well done Nacho. Looks like texts along the lines of the one you sent could be the way forward - offering options which are acceptable to you both but with no giving in to unreasonable demands.

I wonder whether his girlfriend has said that she just wants her children in the house on Christmas day?

[fromparistoberlin]

I think on paper, its a very fair idea.

I think the probklem is that (a) dp not happy and (b) you are only doing it cos he will kick off, thats the issue

Its a fucking head fuck OP, as I completely agree that technically, its OK as for the cost of 2-hours you get the rest of the day to yourself

I think xmas is quite some time away, so why not read, digest and think about it?

I can see why you are torn

[dreamingbohemian]

Ooh good outcome! I can see why you are uneasy and I suppose maybe mentally prepare yourself for him to change his mind between now and then, but at least this is a good start.

I do think another good reason for texting instead of calling is that it allows for de-escalation. For all you know, his first reaction upon reading the text was indeed as it was earlier -- no way, not going to happen, etc. But then he calmed down and for whatever reason was like, eh, I guess it's fine. So I would say going forward keep texting and allow for a possible cooling-off period before talking.

Really well done though, I hope it all works out!

[AmberLeaf]

Thats fab.

I wouldn't have said this though Ok well if you change your mind about having them after lunch let me know

Stick to what he has said now, best not to have given him the option of switching.

But that really is good news!

[NachoAddict]

Ok so I have had a response.

3 missed calls so I answered...

"Hello,

Hiya, are you alright?

Er Yes, are you?

Yea, I will have the kids boxing day. We might be going out for dinner so not sure when I will be back.

Ok well if you change your mind about having them after lunch let me know.

Will do"

All bright, cheerful and happy. wtaf?? I feel like I am in a parallel universe. Glad he has took it so well but uneasy after the way he was at the start of the week, it's like two seperate people.

Was it really that easy......

[StuntGirl]

Good for you nacho! I bet your partner is chuffed to see you taking control too.

I agree that it might be a good idea to have neutral third party there for pick up if neccessary. And don't forget to log all your correspondance with him! Noting down that you offered several solutions to the Christmas arrangements which he ignored will not look favourably on him should this go as far as getting solicitors involved, especially if he chooses to eventually respond with nastiness or violence.

[dreamingbohemian]

Really well done. I hope it goes okay. Does he usually come to your house for pickups?

Do you actually need to be there for the exchanges, or could your DP take care of it? Not that you'd want to abandon him to it but just wondering if that would keep things calmer. Maybe that's a bad idea though, just a thought.

[NachoAddict]

Thanks Amberleaf

[AmberLeaf]

Well done OP.