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AIBU?

to think the way ex looks after our DC's is lazy and half assed?

59 replies

iwanttobelola · 07/09/2013 15:42

Need an objective point of view.. not sure if my judgement is being clouded by my strong dislike of my ex
We have 3 DC's with the eldest starting high school last week, they go to their Dad's for one weekday and night and one weekend and night (ex's choice to fit in around his work)
When they stay there on the weekday the eldest (11yrs) gets the younger two (6yrs and 7yrs)their breakfast and makes sure they have had a wash, dressed etc then their Dad gets up 15 mins before they need to leave for school. Now the eldest is in high school he has to get the bus which leaves at 7.40 meaning he has 'taught' his younger brother (6yrs) how to get breakfast ready for him and his sister so that he can go and get the bus .. his Dad is still in bed when he leaves to get the bus so he makes his own lunch to take with him.
I feel this isn't his responsibility to do that their Dad should be up when they are and be doing all this and to see him out the door on time.

I have spoken to the DC's about it and they like the arrangement as it is 'like being a grown up', I have asked the ex if could not get up to see eldest off to school and he replied 'there is no need'

AIBU to want to insist that he gets his ass out of bed in the morning or they don't go there on a weekday or am I being over protective.?

OP posts:

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Crowler · 07/09/2013 19:23

It does sound lazy, but probably a philosophical issue. Not everyone is a rah-rah school run parent. It's a shame, the kids will remember.

BusyCee · 07/09/2013 19:36

They're probably fine, but it is a bit that he doesn't WANT to share time with them in the morning. I know it's not always a barrel of laughs, but he's effectively saying that his bed is a higher priority for him than they are. They'll make up their own minds what they think of his (lazy arse) attitude in time...

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 07/09/2013 19:38

Remember that you are not HIS parent, therefore his behaviour - unless abusive or dangerous to your dc - is none of your concern. They have their own way of doing things and your dc say they like it. Leave well enough alone. Do things your way in your house and leave your ex to do things his way in his.

BergholtStuttleyJohnson · 07/09/2013 20:12

I don't think there's anything wrong with kids getting their owb breakfast etc but I do think he should be up with them. He's lazy but not much you can do about that.

TedMoseby · 07/09/2013 20:19

I actually find it pretty sad that your ex doesnt want to spend the precious time that he has contact actually being with the children. Heaven forbid he might have to make coversation with them over breakfast.

Lazy.

ThatsNontents · 08/09/2013 21:22

Or he's doing it ok...

hettienne · 08/09/2013 21:30

It is lazy BUT

it's not harmful
the kids are happy with it
they are presumably fed, dressed and at school on time
it's one day a week

You would be very unreasonable to reduce contact due to parenting differences. He only has to be a good enough dad.

Turniptwirl · 08/09/2013 21:47

I think it's lazy parenting and lazy in general but if the kids are happy then let it go. Save the rows for anything that does upset your kids, if he things you're giving him grief over every little thing it'll have no impact. So yanbu to think he's a lazy bugger but you should be the bigger person for as long as your dc are happy with the situation

festered · 08/09/2013 21:57

I don't think he NEEDS to get up with the kids, I don't see the harm in him not-as long as they're okay with it.
However, if I was in your position I think I would feel that he should WANT to get up with his children, purely for being a good parent and spending that extra time with them, being involved in their routine and seeing them off for the day.
But he isn't that sort of person. He's not doing harm, and the kids are happy, so just a niggle, I think.

AmberLeaf · 08/09/2013 22:03

If a Mum who had majority care of her children was doing this, would the answers be the same?

I don't think so TBH.

But because this is a non resident parent/Dad, it must be sucked up?

Is this because the OP should be grateful for his limited involvement?

AmberLeaf · 08/09/2013 22:05

Do the children like it really though? or do they know this is just it and they have no choice/alternative?

It is poor parenting. I don't know how it can be justified really.

Onebuddhaisnotenough · 08/09/2013 22:10

shitty, lazy, pathetic attempt at parenting. But he doesn't sound like the sort of person who'll take anything on board if you comment. It's just crap that when the kids are older, they may see his lying in bed/laziness/selfishness as part of a bigger issue. What's he like the rest of the time with them ? Engaged ? Interested ?

Onebuddhaisnotenough · 08/09/2013 22:11

And really what amberleaf says.

hettienne · 08/09/2013 22:12

Amber - if a parent with care was letting her children get themselves up for school one day a week, I think the replies would be similar: lazy, but not harmful enough that she should see her children less.

AmberLeaf · 08/09/2013 22:15

I really doubt it hettienne

hettienne · 08/09/2013 22:19

What do you think the answers would be then Call social services?

AmberLeaf · 08/09/2013 22:22

No.

I'm talking about the apparent mindset that whatever a NRP does, however far from ideal it may be in some cases, it must be tolerated and how that can differ from what would be accepted on a day to day basis.

As for it being one day a week, would this man do it differently if he had them every day of the week? I doubt it.

So if it was a resident parent doing it 5 days a week, what would the answers be?

hettienne · 08/09/2013 22:25

The question is, should the OP stop contact unless he gets up with them. If it was a resident parent doing it 5 days a week, would the answers be she should get up with them or lose care? No.

Ultimately, this does have to tolerated even if it isn't ideal, because parents don't have to be ideal.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 08/09/2013 22:30

amber My DSC Mum (resident parent) has been doing this for years.
If anything, the responses I have has when questioning it here on MN have been even more vociferously supportive of her than the posts on this thread are of Dad.

AmberLeaf · 08/09/2013 22:31

I wouldn't allow my 11 yr old to be responsible for 6 and 7 yr old siblings.

So to answer that, yes I would stop the midweek contact [not the weekend-which is what the OP stated] unless he properly parented his children.

That is difficult to do though I do appreciate, because the OP will look the baddie to her children and her EX could well dig his heels in.

Would be much easier all round if this father would just get his lazy arse up and care for them properly.

AmberLeaf · 08/09/2013 22:35

China, that's probably because you're coming at it from a step Mum perspective.

ChinaCupsandSaucers · 08/09/2013 22:36

Would be much easier all round if this father would just get his lazy arse up and care for them properly.

Is there a book? "The Proper Care of Children" by Amberleaf?
I didn't get issued with one when I had my DD, so I expect I'm not doing it properly by your standards, either!

My mantra has become "my way is not the only right way" - it helps in all sorts of situations, especially DDs dad!!!!!

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ChinaCupsandSaucers · 08/09/2013 22:37

China, that's probably because you're coming at it from a step Mum perspective.

That's a refreshingly candid answer, thank you!

hettienne · 08/09/2013 22:43

Stopping the midweek contact because the NRP doesn't do things the same way as the RP would be an awful thing to do. The people who would suffer in that scenario are the children.

I probably do things with my child that other people wouldn't do, or would think lazy, but so long as I'm meeting my child's basic needs and not causing them any harm then it is no one else's business.

AmberLeaf · 08/09/2013 22:58

^Is there a book? "The Proper Care of Children" by Amberleaf? wink
I didn't get issued with one when I had my DD, so I expect I'm not doing it properly by your standards, either^

Trust me, I am very much of the 'free range' parenting mindset, I don't molly coddle and tbh am a bit of a slattern around the house, but making it an 11 yr olds duty to care for little siblings is shit.

because the NRP doesn't do things the same way as the RP would be an awful thing to do

I agree with that, but this isn't just not doing the same as, it is wrong to have a child in the role of parent. It does cause harm and resentment.

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