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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think you shouldn't post pictures of someone else's DC to Facebook without asking permission?

81 replies

LouiseD29 · 27/08/2013 01:55

Possibly being a bit over tired and pfb, but have been having visitors over the past few days to meet my divine week-old DD. Am knackered, but pleased to see everyone and understand they all want pictures of themselves holding the baby. But now they've all started popping up all over Facebook and it's just really winding me up. Not sure exactly why, I just feel it's really rude to broadcast pictures if someone else's baby without even asking first! AIBU?

OP posts:

TheBleedinObvious · 27/08/2013 08:48

Yab a bit unreasonable.

It would be nice of them to ask first, but what is the harm?

I would understand not wanting your address, birth dates, full names etc but a picture of a baby and their first name is not a problem imo.

There is nothing stopping a complete stranger from taking your baby's photo in a public place and uploading it on Facebook by the way.

JassyRadlett · 27/08/2013 08:53

Comingalong, I take photos first and foremost to remind myself of an event or time. Sharing is secondary.

I also think the OP's own Facebook posting habits are irrelevant. She controls her privacy strings, she doesn't control others'.

OP, YANBU. It's up to you to decide what profile you want your child to have on social media until they are old enough to decide for themselves.

My brother and his wife aren't putting any pics of their DS online, and have asked others to respect this, first because they have a strong sense of privacy and second because they wang their son to be able to determine his own social media presence when he's older, rather than them dictating it.

I also think the point about potential conflict between teaching about how to use social media safely and what parents actually do is a good one, and I hadn't considered that before.

JassyRadlett · 27/08/2013 08:58

Curlew, parents don't own their children but they are responsible for them.

And make many decisions on their behalf thoughout their childhoods based on what they think is in the best interests of those children. Social media presence is just one of those.

blueshoes · 27/08/2013 09:08

I think you are a bit overtired and pfb.

Nobody's baby is that interesting to anyone else. I think people will think you a little grumpy and unhinged if you asked them to remove photos of your baby from fb. But they will do it because they think you are hormonal.

Good luck.

Curleyhazel · 27/08/2013 09:11

Yanbu. We are also the 'weird ones' and ask people not to post pictures of DCs on FB. Just stand your ground op and ask for the photos to be removed. If they are friends, they will be sympathetic and if they make you feel bad or ridicule your request, well then don't let them take pictures next time.

Congratulations on your baby, this is such a special time for you and I totally understand that you feel protective about something like this. As another poster mentioned, a week ago your baby was still safely tucked away inside you and it must feel disconcerting to have images of your baby online that you can't control. Saying that, please try not to stress yourself about this as ultimately it's not anything to worry about.

Curleyhazel · 27/08/2013 09:12

Jasssy, well said!

Inertia · 27/08/2013 09:14

YANBU. We have asked relatives to remove photos of our children - we don't want our children's images to become the property of Facebook, and want the children to have control over their online presence when they reach an appropriate age.

saintlyjimjams · 27/08/2013 09:15

Tbh the only people looking are going to be those with an interest - other family members, friends etc. If it's grandparents & significant others sharing I think it's quite sweet tbh. Unless you have a family member you need to keep at arms length I'm not sure it's a big issue.

More important when they get to 10/11 and are starting to use profile pics eg on Skype etc to teach about Internet safety.

waltzingmathilda · 27/08/2013 09:20

Uraban myth that Facebook somehow steals the copyright to photos - they remain the property of the person who took the photo - although Facebook its self is only interested in US law www.facebook.com/help/www/249141925204375

Although as I said the copyright remains that of the photographer - if you dont want people uploading and passing on photos - don't allow anyone to take them.

I'm not sure what the issue is either, unless there is a protection order in place.

Dackyduddles · 27/08/2013 09:23

Ridiculous. They are proud and showing it. Would you prefer they came and didn't mention it? Or said visited bit baby's ugly am not having its photo up with me for all my friends to see!

pianodoodle · 27/08/2013 09:24

Whatever the legal position - if I have a picture of someone else's child and want to post it on fb I do ask first. Just seems good manners.

FormerlyKnownAsPrincessChick · 27/08/2013 09:25

No you're not bu. This is a huge bug bear of mine because so many people think it's weird not to broadcast your life on social media. The first photo that we sent to our parents of our daughter just after she was born was posted by several other family members (who my mum had sent the picture on to) minutes after she was born and whilst I was delivering the placenta! If we had wanted to broadcast we would have posted ourselves. You can see my leg in the background (ie legs akimbo pushing out placenta!) and I feel exposed and upset. However, it was done and the sentiment of the posts with the picture were beautiful so I liked and made a comment to say we are all well. This is the only photo on fb. Family and friends have been asked politely not to post photos of our baby online. No-one (publicly / to our face) has had an issue. I've said that I don't want facebook to own my family album, I've also said it feels weird. My baby isn't my possession and I want her to choose whether she wants an online presence when she's older. Maybe weird to others but it feels the right thing to do to me. I totally understand and respect other people who want to show off their dc or don't have an issue with others posting. It just doesn't feel right to us. Incidentally, I'm happy to email pictures to family and friends who are interested. I'm also just as hacked off about a photo taken of me, dd and dh by in-laws just a few hours after the birth (me bloated, tired after 56 hours of labour and no make-up) that has been circulated as a home made greetings card by mil. Again, we've had words because I feel utterly violated at a vulnerable time and that my privacy has been trampled.

pianodoodle · 27/08/2013 09:29

It doesn't really matter to me why someone wouldn't want a picture up or whether I have the "right" to put it up regardless of their feelings.

It only takes a second to ask "do you mind..?" and if they do and you are a friend you should respect that.

pianodoodle · 27/08/2013 09:33

I'm also just as hacked off about a photo taken of me, dd and dh by in-laws just a few hours after the birth (me bloated, tired after 56 hours of labour and no make-up) that has been circulated as a home made greetings card by mil.

That's just thoughtless and I'd be furious.

I know people say no one "owns" the baby but at a week old I was pretty much of the opinion that she was mine mine mine

MiaowTheCat · 27/08/2013 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

silverten · 27/08/2013 09:35

No I don't think YANBU. Your baby, your decision.

I have no pics of DD online, apart from one taken from the back where she is only identifiable to people who know her from the context. You can't see her face at all.

I prefer a high level of privacy as these things have a way of coming back and biting you in unlikely and unpredictable ways. The Internet looks all cosy and friendly and you get the illusion of safety partly from being able to access it from your own home in privacy, but the reality is far more dangerous in the sense that there are plenty of people on it who can get up to quite nasty things with very little come-back on themselves.

My mate posted a couple of pics of DD on her page without asking me- she took them down as soon as I asked but in the half hour they were up they'd been viewed and liked by a total stranger (who I then found out far more than I bet she would have been happy about simply by clicking around her profile).

DropYourSword · 27/08/2013 09:36

What are people wanting to protect against?

silverten · 27/08/2013 09:40

My take on it isn't that I want to waste time trying to second guess what people may or may not do, DropYourSword, and then spend more time working out whether I'm happy about it, and then try and fix my settings so that it's all protected. Life's too short.

Anyone who wants to see DD can come and spend some quality time with her. No one else needs to bother.

hettienne · 27/08/2013 09:44

I don't really see the harm?

If someone wasn't on facebook themselves and never posted pictures of their children then I would ask first - but my facebook is full of kid pics so it wouldn't cross my mind not to put up a photo of one of those children.

MrsOakenshield · 27/08/2013 09:49

once you post a photo on Facebook it is Facebook's to do what they choose with. They could use a picture of your baby for advertising or anything, without your permission or knowledge.

Also, not everyone has Facebook! And if the parents don't have it, that is presumably because they don't like it, and therefore it's extremely rude to post pictures up.

I have FB but I don't post pictures of friends' children who aren't on FB themselves.

MammaTJ · 27/08/2013 10:03

It really would not bother me, but I would ask another parent before I uploaded pictures of their child!

Feminine · 27/08/2013 10:05

Wouldn't bother me. I imagine you can hardly see your daughter!

I understand when children get older, its better to keep them off (if they are not your own)

I always check with parents. I think I've only put up one of a friends daughter...I checked first!

Congratulations!

nancerama · 27/08/2013 10:05

I don't have any problems with other people posting pictures of DS, but I respect that not everyone feels that way.

I grew up in a family that displayed a lot of photos. It always gave me a sense of belonging that my pictures were displayed in aunties, uncles, grandparents houses alongside pictures of other members of the family. To me, Facebook is an extension of that, particularly as we don't see family very often.

I do worry when parents pour out their feelings in status updates though, particularly if they are struggling with their DC. Their kids could read that one day. And divorced parents who bitch about their exes on FB make me too.

Cravey · 27/08/2013 10:11

I asked people not to put pics on my grandson on Facebook but I didn't put any on and neither did grandsons mum. There was a good reason though, his dad, my son was in afghan and we wanted him to see pics beofre anyone else. If my son had been at home however it wouldn't have bothered me I don't think. But it's your baby so only you know how you feel. Congrats x

chesterberry · 27/08/2013 10:13

I have had this same problem with my DD who is coming up for 3 weeks. When she was first born I posted three pictures of her on facebook with very high privacy settings (so not even everybody on my friends list would have been able to see it) for the benefit of her paternal grandparents and some close friends who I knew wouldn't be able to meet her for a while.

I haven't posted any more pictures as I don't want to play out her life on facebook and think it should be up to her to decide whether she wants photos of herself shared online and who they are shared with. However, several of my visitors have posted photographs of her on their facebook profiles. This really annoyed me as I can't even control who sees them and there are people I don't even know who are friends-of-friends looking at and even commenting on some of these pictures.

I politely asked my friends to take the pictures down and they did and I now specifically say to visitors I don't want her photo shared on facebook. Everybody made out I was being very PFB about it (maybe I am) but they have taken down the photos and respected my request.

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