Aibu or is he?

[ThreesyDoesIt]

To start off yesterday dh stormed up the stair and sulked all day as I had moaned at him fparty even opening a blind in the morning when I was out trivial yes but he was being a lazy sod.

Anyway my grans having a birthday party that none of us can make due to dhs umcles wedding and dh is best mam at it. So my grans having a wee tea party for the kids and those who cant make it. The same day dds go back to school, so originally dh, myself and dd3 were just going togo but now tea party is at 5 pm so all the kids can go. My mum is taking us as we dodon't drive amd its an hour away so when she told me the time had changed and all 3dds could go but it ment we couldn't all go as theres 5 of us and wouldnt all fit.

So when dh eventually came down stairs I said I wasnt sure what to do now as it would mean leaving him out and that made me feel bad.

Dh went mental and after shouting for over 15 minutes about me being dis loyal to him and no kind of wife at all he announced that this marriage isnt working for him any more as I don't know the meaning of being a wife!!! Wtf!!!!

He also had disinvited me from said wedding and a pre planned night out tonight. Also banned my parents from the house???

We have not spoken since I am gobsmaked, confused and heartbroken. Trying to keep it together as 3dds heard the lot

Aibu and dis loyal? I have not seen my gran or wider family for 3 years since our wedding party. Sorry this is so all over the place.

[ThreesyDoesIt]

Dh and myself sat down. He told me he had felt deeply hurt but that his reaction was out of order and that he should never have said what he did. He asures me there no other issues and doesn't wish to end our marriage. He said of course the girl's should go to party at my grans.

Thanks for all those that listened and commented. Felt very embarrassing to hear some home truths about things but dh and I are happy to admit marriage takes work on both parts and clearly we need to communicate better at times.

[Melonbreath]

Could it be he hasn't been happy for a while and is looking to pick a fight over anything in order to end it? Op, I would say well, if you feel like that over something so small and silly maybe you HAD better go as god knows how you'd cope over something big that crops up

[CinnabarRed]

Has your Gran even met DD3?

[cranverry]

Gran. Not grab sorry

[cranverry]

Could he travel by other means and meet you there? YANBU though, seems such a strange overreaction by him and seems pretty controlling. If he can't go then no one can go. Tantrums, huffs and sulks when he doesn't get his own way.
I really hope you and your DCs go to the tea party. It sounds like it would be great for you all to spend some time with your family especially your grab.

[OOAOML]

I agree with holycowwhatnow, to me not being able to attend a tea party with in laws would be free time for me.

[CinnabarRed]

... travel by train...

[CinnabarRed]

1. I agree with Rhonda that he has no grounds to feel hurt whatsoever, for the reasons she explained so clearly.
   

1. In any case, he hasn't been uninvited, he's still welcome to the children's tea party.
   

1. If there's insufficient time to take public transport after school, what's stopping one adult leaving a bit earlier to trav by train, while the other adult does the school run?
   

1. Give it's only an hour's drive to your family, why haven't you seen them for three years plus? It's not that hard logistically. Does he always find reasons for visits not to happen? If so, that smacks of him trying to isolate you from your family and old friends....
   

1. Even if his hurt were reasonable (assuming he really is cut up about missing a tea party ), his reaction is so OTT as to make me think there's more to it. And perhaps I've spent too much time on Relationships threads for my own good, but something isn't smelling right here. I wonder if he fears what your mum might say to you if she has an hour on her own with you in the car, hmm?

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

Why doesn't he do anything in the house? Is that what a wife does?

[deleted203]

At the point where he shouted that this marriage wasn't working for him I would have said, 'Well I tell you what, love. Fuck off out of it then. There's the door'.

He sounds a nightmare.

[waltermittymissus]

But OP has already said that they do everything with his family, they're missing gran's party for his uncle, they live near his family yet haven't seen hers in three years and on and on...

I would have zero respect for a grown man who reacts like this because there's no room in the car. A car destined for a tea party for children, I might add.

And pregnant is dead right. All this 'good wife' stuff? Bleugh!

[holycowwhatnow]

If my Dh brought my dc to a family event and couldn't bring me because there wasn't car space, I would be OVERJOYED at the thought of have x number of hours to myself. Ecstatic.

He's being a complete idiot and his overreaction is inexcusable. And now he's introduced the idea that the marriage isn't working, it can't be ignored and changes every future argument.

YANBU

[pregnantpause]

Before the whole invite uninvite debacle, am I the only one with a problem with his attitude of how op should behave? As a good little wife What the hell does he mean that you don't know how to be a wife?! You ARE his wife, that title doesn't change your responsibilities or relationship towards him surely? You married as a commitment of love, not some kind of "promotion " where your role now involves extra duties, and a change to his preferred character. He sounds a Dick just from that.

But seriously, to talk of ending your marriage, to exclude you from a major wedding (presumably as he is best man) even if these things are not carried out, the threat, and the intent to punish you for your behaviour is still apparent If he really intends to leave the marriage, then what you have done has not caused it, nobody leaves a marriage because they can't go to a tea party, or rather, they may not be able to go to a tea party- as you said, no decision was made, your failure was to try and discuss that as an option
If he doesn't mean it, then he does mean to punish you, and bring your future behaviour in line. It's a threat. Act like the wife object/slave/vessel I want you to be, or else
In front of the children too utter shit head of a man.

Yanbu, but I think, from what you have posted, you need to look at the kind of man your husband is. Here he has not been portrayed as man fit to be a husband.

[Justforlaughs]

walter [rubs hands] He is entitled to feel hurt that he had an invite to a family event and now he has in effect been uninvited (does that word even exist outside of mumsnet??), it is irrelevant what the event is. Yes, his reaction is way over the top, but he can still be hurt by this. Especially if there is more going on behind the OP has mentioned on this thread. I have no idea of the backstory (obviously Rhonda does [sulks]) but I can think of instances where DPs (in general, male and female) feel excluded by their DPs partners families and IF this is the case generally, then I can understand why he would see it as yet another instance of being unaccepted/ excluded or whatever. As I've already said several times, there are obviously other problems going on here and the OP needs to find out exactly what the problem is - in his eyes anyway. My own DH doesn't see any of the tensions between me and my ILs and going by many, many threads on here the same can be said for many other partnerships and marriages.

[waltermittymissus]

I actually disagree justfor. He's not entitled to feel hurt because he can no longer go to a children's tea party.

Say that out loud. How ridiculous does it sound??

[Justforlaughs]

That's a shame RhondaJean I was looking forward to a battle! It also seems that you have inside knowledge of the OP which is definitely unfair !

[ThreesyDoesIt]

No wasn't trying to go incognito at all.

I am still planning day as normal as possible as dds areaware were not talking they have a party so will be out most of afternoon, not sure about tonight though.

Yes his reaction is mad to me he's met my gran 5 times we spend no time with my family its always his side.

[RhondaJean]

Thought it was you pet. Like the new name and hope oh don't mind me asking, didn't think you were trying to go incognito.

What have you got planned for today, I would be trying to get on with it and have a good weekend and wait for him to calm down a bit then talk to him.

Right just for, we actually do agree on this then we are just coming at it from different angles!

[ThreesyDoesIt]

Yes rhondajean name changed a couple of weeks ago.

Definitely a tea party for dcs.

Originally my 3dds were invited but as it's their 1st day back at school I said myself dh and dd3 would go show face. Now times have chamged so all dcs could go in family I said to dh i was unsure what to do as I felt bad if he was left naturally. I never made concrete plans to leave him at all

As far as I am concerned I have no underlying issue in our marriage its appearing that he does though

[Justforlaughs]

Must go out, must go out, must go out if I keep saying it I might just do it!
RhondaJean but I haven't said that his reaction isn't OTT, I have said that he is entitled to feel hurt and that they need to sit down and get to the bottom of why he feels like this about the marriage.

[RhondaJean]

See I totally disagree. If the op had just decided she was going and the husband wasn't welcome any more the fine. But regardless of what going on between the two of them the children should be both their priority and the reason he can't go is so that the children can.

So he is bu over this. The only people who will suffer from his histrionics are his own children and whatever else is going on is really irrelevant when that is the case, he needs to man up over his massive disappointment .

And it's not as if it was just them that were invited, it's a party for more children than theirs. It's a children's social event that has been rearranged to be more convenient for the children.

Whatever other issues are going he is bvu and acting like a toddler having a tantrum and not a father who is putting the best interest of his children first.

[Justforlaughs]

Damn, it's not even my OP but I'm intriuged by this thread and have to go out, will be watching with interest later!

[Justforlaughs]

RhondaJean Possibly an adult who sees this as the final straw, I am not a mind reader, but no sensible adult reacts like this to a very minor issue, so my common sense says that there is more to it. As I said before, from the first sentence of the OP there are obviously issues that need to be resolved. They need to talk about what the real issue is, but I still think that if the shoe was on the other foot and it was the OP who had been invited to lunch with DH and 1DC and then the invite had been changed to include the other DCs but exclude her the reactions would have been different. She/ he is perfectly entitled to feel hurt and superfluous.

[RhondaJean]

Oh come on just for, I see what you are saying but its a party for the children and now the times have changed, not ops doing, it means that all the children can go and unfortunately that means one adult can't.

And it isn't his side of the family.

Note. One ADULT can't go.

Adult. Key word. What adult throws a strop about two of their children being able to go to a tea party and them not? And then threatens to end their marriage over it?

[Justforlaughs]

But it wasn't the original arrangement. Originally, it was op, DH and 1DC who were going. Now, arrangements have been changed and he is no longer welcome, with not so much as a "by your leave" about it. Of course he is hurt.